Thursday, July 31, 2008

"I may have to save up..."

That's what Ethan said said this morning when I told him I was leaving today. He said,
"Maybe I could go with you when you come back for Christmas." And I said,
"Well, that would cost a lot of money." Wide blue eyes grew wider.
"I may have to save up." Yeah, that's a lot of house chores.


"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competency comes from God. He has made us competent ministers of the new covenant..." (2 Cor. 3 something)

I am weak, but He is strong :)

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Don't Start That!

(This was from yesterday, but I was in a hurry and forgot to post it!)

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you."



-Frederick Beuchner



Mom just read that quote to me from The Shack. She's been reading it, and after hearing about it from every person I've seen in the past three weeks, I can't wait to read it myself and see what it's like. I get to tomorrow. On the plane. ON THE PLANE, PEOPLE! I'm not really excited or anything. Nah, not me. Not excited at all.



Upstairs, three stuffed suitcases sit waiting on the bed and floor, and the bedroom is the mess of the century. I said bye to Flic last night. She's the hardest one, probably, because I have no idea when I'll see her again since she's moving to Utah. *sniff sniff* She thought I was starting to cry when I hugged her and she said,



"Don't start that!" But I totally WASN'T. I had something in my eye, probably.



We'll leave for Shreveport around 1:00 pm, and at 5:00. I'm hoping for



presence of mind

good conversations on the plane

no bribes, threats, or other harrassements...

Monday, July 28, 2008

More Fun Than Human Beings Deserve

Whoa!!! Three days till I leave! Here's how the packing is coming, in case you wanted to know:


This is not "everything," of course...but it's most of it besides clothes, laptop, and sewing machine. There is a method to the madness, although I'm not always clear on what that is :) The packing seems to be going smoothly, though. I separated the "stuff" by category in tubs and boxes and then listed it and then checked some things off the list...I don't know if this is being organized or being deranged, but I'm having fun and I can't think of any other way to do it. One moment I'm feeling like Super-Organiza-Woman, and the next I'm thinking, "Oh gosh, who am I kidding?"



In the midst of the madness, my parents have bought a new car. A "new" car...a cute, vibrant looking '03 Hyundai Santa Fe. Or Santa Fe Hyundai. However that goes. Here...see for yourself:

Mom and Dad have been praying and searching for a vehicle, because the van was getting pretty unreliable, and they wanted something with better gas milage. So they traded the van in this morning and bought this. So, bam!!! All of a sudden, there's a new car and no debt! Kind of miraculous :)

I do get this feeling though, that I'm being nudged out the door...the car only has five seats, and it's a standard, which I can't drive...(yet). When I'm home for Chirstmas, I'll have to learn. eek. It was sort of wierd realizing that this morning was the last time I'll drive until then. Unless, of course I end up driving in Ukraine...wouldn't that be a blast...

This morning Mom woke me up for coffeetime while it was still grayish outside. She came in and kissed my cheek, and then sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed my back very softly for a while. I cracked my eyes open and tried making some grateful noises. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed at the mercy God gives me through her.

I know how a bear feels when it's coming out of hibernation. The backrub got my blood circulating a little, which is always a nice advantage in the morning. What a lovely way to wake up. It just makes me sigh with happiness to think about it :)

Leaving is crazy. Prayer time last night was great. SO MANY PEOPLE CAME! It was a great time for everyone to visit. I loved just getting to come before the Lord and be free from worrying about the million prayer requests that could have been offered. God reminded me that He already knows what we need before we ask...so we were able to just have a sweet worship time, and I enjoyed hearing Connor play the guitar. I live with him, but I never seem to get to hear him play!

Yesterday I met the Murzins, Andrei and Olga, and their daughter Nadia, and two young boys. They're visiting from Kiev, and they've known Bruce and Deb for a while, so I'll be seeing them while I'm over there. Nadia is close to my age, and I like her already. It's exciting to already have that connection, and I was really glad I got to talk to them about some details for flying over and what not. I already have friends!

Meeting the Murzins made the fact that I'm going to a foreign country much more real, or surreal, I should say! It added a gravity to my giddiness, but was really good at the same time. Just as Mrs. Olga told me over and over "Don't worry, don't worry!" (I wonder why she said that? :), my worries really do fade when I look at the safety of being in God's hand. When I see all that He has done, the things that are so far beyond what I "deserve," I just have to love Him even more. And love turns into trust, and trust melts into peace.

This is "more fun than human beings deserve..."

I think somebody at World Mandate said that...


Saturday, July 26, 2008

Bread on the Waters

I have a lot of thoughts right now, and some of them are coming up for air...

Bits of Ecclesiastes have been sticking to my brain like flies are supposed to stick on fly paper...(yes, my brain is a mess right now!) But hey, at least I've got Ecclesiastes :)

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made one as well as the other. Therefore, man cannot discover anything about his future." 7:14

"Cast your bread apon the waters, for after many days you will find it again...

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things...

Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or if both will do equally well." 11:1, 5, 6

A few nights ago I was sitting on my bed thinking about going to Ukraine, and found myself saying, "I really don't know where I'm going."

You might say, "Well that's not true, you're going to Ukraine, right? To Rzchishiv?" It seems fairly "settled" as far as physical location goes. But for real, I felt like Abraham when he went out and didn't know where he was going. In my head, I know I'm going to Ukraine (barring unforseen detours), but it's like Ecclesiastes says, God has arranged life where we aren't going to be able to figure it out :) What a sense of humor.

The thing is, this traveling blind is kind of fun in the moments I recognize God at the wheel!

I was flipping through the devotional Streams in the Desert a few days ago at the Bourciers, and saw this phrase:

"You can trust the man who died for you."

So I want to cast my bread, my life, on the waters, on the altar to Him. He's the "God of my surrender," and I raise my white flag to Him over and over. I hope He will take me prisoner so that I can finally be free :)


P.S. Ethan just finished giving his rough, tough GI Joe a bath...it just struck me as funny that most little boys would be taking their army men out to the dirt pile, while Ethan is giving his a bath :) But don't worry, he has spends plenty of time getting grubby!

These Small Hours...

Here's what I wrote yesterday but didn't get to post:


Things are a little crazy, so I haven’t blogged much. But it’s a good crazy. I’ve been lunching with Flic and spending the night with Lauren and Gracie…kind of flowing with the go…wherever the next moment takes me. I needed to run a couple more errands yesterday and had planned to take Mattie for ice cream, so Lauren and Gracie came along and we ended up eating Dippin’ Dots at the mall, which I’ve always planned to do at some point :)

It was about like I expected…nice for the experience, in Lauren’s words, but not exactly what I’d call “The Ice Cream of the Future.” After all, it was the Ice Cream of the Future at least nine years ago when I first saw it.

We’ve just been swimming. Earlier I was at the church on my computer while Mom and Mattie did their cleaning job. I felt bad for not helping, but apparently not bad enough to help…

I needed to get on the internet with my laptop (which I can’t do at home), so I took that opportunity. I actually bought music on Itunes for the first time ever…a very novel experience. I loved getting to just pick out songs, I just wish that I could get them on my mp3 player now. One song went on, but not the three I liked best.



For some reason I got more frustrated and upset over that than anything else I’ve dealt with in the past few days. I think I'm worn out. Anyway, I spent the swimming time trying to take deep breaths and be thankful for everything the Lord has provided for me the last couple of days. He’s so good…

Of the four songs I got, two were by Rob Thomas, someone I’d never really heard, except that one of his songs (which I bought) was at the end of Meet the Robinsons, and I’ve been enchanted with it since I heard it :) It’s called “Little Wonders.” And then I got “Ever the Same.” He’s a secular artist, but those two songs have really good lyrics, and I love his voice.

So, I’ve been thinking a lot more about that sneaky, scary word “goodbye” since Flic confronted me with it on Wednesday when we were together.



“So have you started saying goodbye yet?” she asked. “No…” I really thought I was going to be goodbying my head off, as in, preparing myself mentally a whole lot…I said I would never be the person who blocks it out because they don’t want to feel it. But now, not only do I understand why people do that (and the good reasons behind it), I’m doing it myself. It seems like the most logical, easy way to leave. At the same time, though, I can’t stand the thought of not saying a definite goodbye before I go. I just want to postpone it.

It’s definitely a lot easier to leave than to be left, I grant that. Ouch. I have to feel for my friends and family members who not only will miss me, but would really like to be flying away themselves. I live with the go-ingest people ever. In a few years, we’ll probably all over the planet.

But it dawned on me Wednesday as I was driving home that I can’t stop time. I can’t reverse it. I can only embrace the future as it comes, minute by minute. I love this future. I love this present. I’m very happy here. But I have to do as the song suggests and...

“Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder,
Dontcha know
The hardest part is over,
Let it end
Let your clarity define you in the end
We will only just remember how it feels


All lives are made in these small hours,
These little wonders,
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away, but these small hours
These small hours still remain


Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Till you feel it all around you
I don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by
It’s the heart that really matters
In the end

All of my regret will wash away somehow,
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now

In these small hours these little wonders,
These twists and turns of fate..."

-Rob Thomas (if he's the one who wrote it)

I can't go back and I don't really want to. I can't stay here, and I don't really want to. I want to go where I'm going.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Unprojected Mole Removal

Today I cut Connor's hair. Again, which in itself is a little wonder. Poor Connor. Well, at least he has something to remember me by :) I had to leave my indellible mark.

I don't have a picture to post, because he protested both of the ones I took, and having already put him through all that trauma, I didn't have the heart to go through with it. Not that the haircut was bad. Actually, he looks great. We can see his head now...that's good. It's just that he wasn't prepared for Unprojected Mole Removal when I shaved the peach fuzz off his neck...

The trouble was that the clippers were set wrong, so no matter how hard I pressed down, I couldn't get the hair to detach itself. And of course it wasn't my neck, so I couldn't feel it, and I didn't notice how red it was getting. Well anyway, I sure don't know you could manage to remove skin without removing hair...

Actually, there was no blood. No blood at all. He's fine. He should be coming out from under the bed any time now...

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Divine Interruption

You interrupt my day with love
To tame the tenseness of my will
And feed the muffled begging of my heart.

Staring at Pine Cones

My hair is sticking up and I have what I think is a caffeine buzz from the half cup of coffee I had an hour ago. I'm all jittery, and it feels like caffeine...but coffee usually doesn't do that to me (not in that amount, anyway) So it feels wierd. Maybe my blood pressure is just up because of trying to load music onto my mp3 player :) Two different people have helped me and I still am really confused.

Today I thought of a definition for "stress."

Stress is when you try to control a world that is not meant to be controlled by human beings.

Besides fighting what feels like a losing battle with the mp3 player, I've been shopping and writing notes. Yesterday Mom and I had a very successful shopping trip in spite of rather major setbacks.

Our relatively new-and-shouldn't-be-having-problems van battery died and had to be replaced, and we found out the my grandfather had to go to the hospital with high blood pressure. After some hassle the van issue got resolved and Connor picked us up in his car to finish the shopping.

We were tempted to be upset by the van interruption, but I figured, hey, this is nothing to shopping in Ukraine, no doubt. My grandad's problem hasn't been too serious so far, although they moved him to the Shreveport VA clinic because he can get free care there.

So we were able to get all the toiletries I need to take (enough to last a month or two at least) and a few clothing items, and miscellaneous things like a converter and camera batteries. We actually found some sales at Kohls on winter things (what few there were), so I got a hat and two very nice scarves all for $13, which was a very pleasant surprise. I never do the shopping-for-winter-clothes-in-the-summer-when-they're-cheaper thing, so I was a little giddy over that.

God is so kind to work all these little things out for me and really "make the rough places smooth." It's actually a lot of fun to shop when there's a purpose and I can find what I intended to get!

We ate lunch at Jason's Deli (by this time Connor was with us). Connor had an ice cream cone that came with the meal, and he took it in the car afterwards. So we figured out that

Ice Cream + Stick Shift + East Texas July Heat= Major Drippage and/or Near Death Experience

Just kidding, Connor is a great driver and handled it fine. It was just funny to see him and Mom juggling his ice cream cone at stop lights :)

Hmm, on a different note...

I spent a lot of time today staring at pine cones. There are times when the most most useful thing to do is nothing...so I did it. Those pine cones were so pretty! They looked so perfect, but when I really looked at them, I realized that they weren't perfect at all. They all had flaws or gaps or pieces that stuck out funny. And the whole tree was irregular and sort of scrambled. It seems like everywhere I look I get the message:

You don't have to be perfect to be valuble or beautiful. Every tree and flower and person is different because God is creative and loves variety, and He can handle the wierdnesses we can't!

I keep trying to get everything in life straightened out, and I realize that a lot of my nervousness about the trip stems from a strain to get things "right." I want things organized and arranged and orderly, right down to writing updates. I want symmetry. And God keeps laughing and nudging me and saying, "Go on, mess up!" I don't mean "sin intentionally," but just "risk not having it all together."

I want symmetry, but God looks at the pine tree and says, "Be thou funky!" I don't handle disorder very well because I fear it will eventually result in chaos, but God knows exactly where it's headed, and He's not worried about it! Peace isn't the absence of disorder, it's the presence of God.

I want someone to be in control of the mess: It's God. I want someone to deal gently with me: It's God.

"One thing God has spoken,
Two things have I heard,
That You, oh God, are strong,
And You, oh Lord are loving."

Psalm 61: 11-12a

He is all powerful, He is completely loving, He is completely trustworthy.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Officially Happy

I'm amazed at the way things just "work out." I never know what will happen from one day to the next, but I kind of like it that way! Having a schedule was boring me to death. At the same time, having no schedule is mildly terrifying...

I was wondering how I'd get to see the different people I wanted to see before I leave. I wanted to see my friend Julia, but she lives half an hour away, and I wasn't sure when I'd get to go over. But then, yesterday she called me saying that she was going to be on my side of town and wondered if she could come by.

It was a perfect time for me, and helped me get focused enough to get my Friday housework done. So her mom dropped her off and we spent several hours just chatting, encouraging each other in the Lord, and then doing this at lunch time:
(Those are duck bills made out of Pringles, in case you've never had the pleasure of playing in your food before.)

So, it's official. I've been eager about Ukraine, excited to a certain extent, and somewhat anxious at times, but now it's gone beyond that...I'm downright happy! I know this because my stomach thinks it's on holiday and doesn't want to digest my food anymore. We passed a Mexican bakery yesterday and saw an advertisement for an international phone card, and my insides somersaulted! Just hearing an airplane go over can send me into a sort of ecstatic joy. And getting books to read with my little people...

Last night I went with Grammie, Mom, and Mattie to dinner and then Barnes & Nobles in Tyler. I bought books. I tried to drink a green tea latte (which I'd never had before) and almost died. I don't know if it was that my stomach was already in the preliminaries of rebellion or that the warm, foamy, vivid pea green drink looked and tasted like heated pond scum, or both...I'm thinking I'll stick with Starbucks' coffee next time and save my adventuresome tastbuds for some time when I'm not so...happy.
It seems no fair that the happier I get, the worse my gut hurts, but oh well...at least nothing is coming back up, you know?
There has been so much waiting, boredom, and difficulty along this journey, but right now I think the word Mom gave me from Isaiah 55:12 is coming true.

"You will go out in joy,
And be led forth in peace
The mountains and hills will break forth in shouts of joy before you
And all the trees of the fields will clap their hands..."
When I first read that verse, I thought the "trees clapping their hands" was a picture of trees clapping to music, but a few days ago I was thinking on it, and the picture God gave me was of me running a race, and the trees on either side applauding joyously as I crossed a finish line. It was as if they were yelling "You did it, Cassie! You made it! Hurray!" Like a cloud of witnesses.
And it's not just me "doing it," but God carrying me through, it's my family standing by me, the friends who have been praying, the people who have given their resources. Ukraine isn't a final destination by any means, but it is a goal to be celebrated!
A few weeks ago it was hard to believe I could come out of what I saw as huge, depressing messes. Now, although I still have a bundle of question marks and plenty of ache at times, I'm finding this verse true. I have so much peace, so much joy...so much delight in the smallest details of this adventure God has brought me into. It's clear that He does have good plans, exciting plans, even FUN plans for His children. Maybe not on our timing...but then that's a gift in itself!
If I'd had my way I would have left months ago, but I would have missed so much God had for me here. I'm so glad for what has been, what is, and what will be. Because of the storms I've been going through here, I have the assurance I need that He'll sustain me in Ukraine.
So..I'm going to go watch Monk with my family, and maybe finish rolling my winter shirts :)
Last night I dreamed that I was shopping at Walmart and a tornado was coming, so they made the customers get in a swimming pool outdoors for safety, where we watched dark clouds roll in and waited for funnel clouds to appear. Instead, a white flying saucer catapaulted out of the sky and crash landed on a hotel nearby, causing a fire and lots of black smoke billows. Then it started pouring rain, and Mom and Dad found me at Walmart, but then ran off to check on the spaceship. Finally the storm passed and we got to go, and as we drove home, Mom said, "Let's go home and watch Monk."
Ahhh. Now you know what we do at the end of a long day.

Hug-Me the Old Bear

Well, since Lexie commented about Hug-Me, I decided I needed to introduce him to everyone, poor little soul. Although I can't say much, because my beloved childhood companion is now a yellowed, stained individual long since robbed of its head-stuffing. I can't bear to throw him away, but would never expose such a sacred relic to cyberspace. And no, I'm not taking my bunny with me to Ukraine.

Here is Hug-Me, who, like the Velveteen rabbit, is surely well on his way to becoming "real." He belonged to Mom when she was little, and then Connor, and now Ethan, when he feels the need. He has some patches. Connor took him to the hospital once and the nurse put bandaids on the places where the stuffing was coming out. Later, Mom bandaged him permanently with old socks, so now he's sort of...vintage...to put it kindly.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Reminders of Yoo-hoo and India

This morning I drove down to the nearest gas station to get some milk, as mom requested. Milk is the main drink around here (not to mention my favorite), besides water, so it's bad to run out. Ethan and his bear, Hug-Me, came along, and as we left I told him (Ethan, not the bear) he didn't have to wear shoes. The gas station was just down the road and it wouldn't be more than a few minutes.

When we got there, I realized I hadn't been thinking- no matter how short or long we were going to be there, Ethan still had to go into the store! It's not the nastiest gas station in the world, but it's not the Taj Mahal either.

"I'll just have to carry you," I told him.
"Can I bring Hug-Me?" he wanted to know. Sure, he could bring Hug-Me. I hoisted him up, and we went in, Ethan clutching Hug-Me and acting sort of babyish. My heart was soft on him this morning, so I let him pick out a drink. His quick choice was Yoo-hoo. Nothing like good ol' chocolate flavored water...

Crazy, the memories that Yoo-hoo slaps me with. I have a vivid picture of sitting in Such-a-Bagel, a now-out-of-business bagel shop near the present Marble Slab Creamery, when I was younger than Ethan. Three or four. I remember distinct pink and turquiose, but I can't remember whether the walls were painted those colors, or if it was the turquoise basket with my strawberry cream cheese bagel. And then there was Yoo-hoo. Always Yoo-hoo. It seems like this was a regular occurance, but I'm really not sure.

Anyhow, Ethan picked out his Yoo-hoo, and I got the 2 % milk and a USA Today for Dad, and kind of fumbled everthing to the counter where the cashiers were grinning at us. An Indian family runs the gas station, and we've gotten to know Mr. Raj, who has talked with us about India and actually given us Indian food before! They are really friendly, and sort of make me "homesick" for India.

Today Raj wasn't there, just a man and lady who are related to him (I think). I don't know them by name, but they seem nice too. I paid (and repaid when I gave the wrong amount) and then, since I was still holding Ethan, (who has the amazing power of gaining pounds by the minute), (and don't forget Hug-Me), the man offered to take my bag out for me. I was going to say it wasn't any big deal, but there were plenty of people around and I thought, "why decline a gentlemanly offer?" So I said,

"That would be great, actually," and we went out to the car, and I dumped Ethan and his woeful looking teddy bear in the side door of the van. So I drove home, reminded of the special place I'll always have in my heart for Indian people and asking the Lord to please let this sweet family come to know Him.

At home, Dad shook Ethan's Yoo-hoo for him and opened it, and I took a sip, just to see if it was anything close to what I drank at the bagel shop when I was "knee high to a grasshopper." Nope. 98% water, 2% chocolate milk (probably skim, at that). But Ethan liked it. And I liked it that Ethan liked it :)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Wanting-to-Count-Things

I just finished showering and breakfasting. Actually I got up a while ago and sat in bed reading one of my journals (it was a bad idea). I don't need to be thinking about the past when there's so much in the present to think about. It's funny, in leaving, one of the hardest things to leave behind are my journals. I have a lot of them. I think I'm on #36. Of course, I often write with bleedy pens, so sometimes I can only use one side of the pages...so it's more like 20 journals. I don't know.

But these journals are my outlet. They are where I do most of my writing, and where I learn to be honest when the world around me keeps whisper-yelling "Hide! Hide! Don't come out and don't talk!" Journals are like photo albums to me...when I read them I can often picture the exact event, remember the same feelings, remember exactly what people said.

So going to Ukraine and leaving my journals behind is kind of an act of releasing and letting go of things I'm tempted to hold on to, good and bad. I'm a little freaked out about it, but it's probably the best thing that ever happened to me. I kind of get a new start. It's not that I forget good memories, but I have to quit clinging to them.

It's like C.S. Lewis said in Out of the Silent Planet (the only book I read out of his Space Trilogy), something about how continung to hold on to pleasure past the moment it occurs robs it of it's sweetness. It's like gluttony. Donuts are good when you eat them, but continuing to eat and eat and eat them makes you sick.

I love the quote from Gloria Dump in the movie Because of Winn Dixie:

"You gotta love it while you got it and then let it go."

Yesterday it was great to be home and relax. I did a lot of little stuff, like visit with Mom, measure my carry on bag, organize the mound of stuff-to-pack in the corner of my room, and make shopping lists. Sometimes life feels so crazy that it's nice to have something organized and set out in nice, neat, orderly lists. It's sort of a false hope, but hey, it worked for yesterday!

It reminded me of this line from a Winnie the Pooh story:

"Now it happened that Kanga had felt rather motherly that morning, and Wanting to Count Things- like Roo's vests, and how many bars of soap there were left, and the two clean spots in Tigger's feeder..."

Hehe. Only it was sort of just me and my suitcases, nothing much to mother. But I "counted" a lot of things. And I can't explain why in the world that makes me happy!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Me, God? A Warrior?

Oh boy. I feel like preaching again :)

God is so good to me! He gave me an awesome fundraiser last night at church. People gave SO GENEROUSLY and seemed to have a lot of fun auctioning the boxed dinners. The Hubers did an awesome job of arranging and pulling off the auction (and yoyo-ing!).

I've been under a lot of spiritual attacks the past few weeks, and didn't realize it until last Monday. It's especially been difficult on Sundays and Mondays. I thought it was just me and was upset with myself for being so flaky and horrible, etc. but then I realized that those accusing voices I'm hearing that make me feel guilty and cause rifts with others are NOT from God, and not from me.

And I remembered that often before missions trips there is a lot of spiritual warfare, not just on me but on my family. I seem to be hanging somewhere between extreme happiness and sheer brokenness, with an emphasis on the brokenness part. You know how in books, movies, and history the really cunning bad guys figure out that the best way to inflict pain on their enemy is to hurt the people closest to them? Well, I guess my big enemy knows about that trick, too.

And I realize that this "adventure" off to Ukraine for a year isn't just little ol' me going off to have an exotic babysitting adventure. There wasn't a thunder and lightning scene, but I know God has called me to Ukraine for this season, for a purpose.

Truth is, I feel like Gideon. "What, me? God? I'm just the youngest son in the lowest family of the most pitiful tribe of Israel. Who are you calling "Mighty Warrior," here? I don't think of myself as a threat to the enemy, but maybe he does.

While my body and spirit feel weaker and weaker, God is pouring more and more of Himself into me. Philipians 2 says that Jesus emptied Himself, so I've been asking God to empty me. Since I'll be flying soon, I'll use this analogy:

I'm an airplane, and Jesus is my Pilot. He's so big inside me that there just isn't any room for my baggage!

So He's getting rid of my baggage (i.e., guilt, anger, bitterness, self pity, fear; to name a few). He's even asking me to let some of my hopes and dreams die so that He can resurrect them again later. (One of His specialties!)

Anyway...I don't think Satan likes it when the saints start asking God to move for them when they don't have the strength to do anything anymore. He's probably afraid God will DO IT, because, well, our God is that sort of God! Yes!!

I'm just like Gideon. I've never seen myself as a warrior. When I was little, I never was the kind of girl who wanted to sword fight or be a warrior princess. I was more of a play house, teach school to my thirty teddy bears, and invent secret languages kind of girl. No conflict, please.

But it's becoming pretty clear to me that I'm a warrior with God. "Your gentleness makes me great...you teach my hands to war..." Psalm 18

I know that I don't wage war against flesh and blood but against the "spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" Eph. 6:12

"But David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with a sword and a spear and a javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will hand you over to me and I will strike you and cut off your head." 1 Sam. 17:45

Yeah, baby! That head cutting off thing is a little graphic, but I think God put that in there to show just how violent warfare can be, and also what a thorough and complete victory He's prepared for the ones who call on His name for help.

Please pray that:

> I would just keep humbling myself before God and saying "Yes, Lord!" all the time. I want my life to be one big "YES!!!" to God.

>On a practical level, that I could get some good sleep and relief from headaches/TMJ

>That I could react to circumstances in love and gentleness instead of anger and anxiety.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I'm Not Actually a Turtle, but I Do Feel Like it Sometimes

I'm getting close to the end of the week! Work is almost done! I feel like I've been robbed of my soul. It's the first time I'll have worked 40 hours (and dare I say I hope it's the only time?).

No, really it has been an awesome job and I'm so thankful to have the money. I couldn't have asked for a better situation- Mrs. Castleberry is really kind and flexible and the hours were great. And she made us lunch :) And it's four miles from my house. The work is challenging, but my skills developed enough this past week that I don't feel like a nincompoop anymore. That's always a nice feeling...non-nincompoopness...and now that I'm more or less "trained," I'm leaving :)

Yay! I'm leaving!!!!! This week I realized just how much I miss my family when I'm not home. But it's not the same kind of missing as it will be when I'm really gone. It's the kind of missing you have when you glimpse them in the morning as you're spinning out the door with your tennis shoes half tied and your breakfast half-settled and see them again in the evening only when you're so tired you don't open your mouth for fear of snapping someone's head off. (I haven't worked past 5:30, but it felt like midnight to me.)

I want my family back! I don't like seeing them but not being able to connect. I think I'll adapt better in Ukraine, where I won't see them at all and can focus on the surroundings there. Hmm. I'm sure there will be a few tears, however.

I hope this is not really all complaining. This week has been so hard, and I keep feeling like I've failed the Lord. I complained a lot and said a lot of things that I didn't need to say, and I just couldn't pull myself together to do anything but work and go to the dentist. I really want to love people and have a soft heart, but my actions don't always demonstrate that.

I feel like I've fallen into a mode of having so much to do and plan that I'm becoming passive and not doing anything. I feel so disconnected from humanity, and yet, I feel too tired and too complainy to be with people.

I skipped out of a perfectly good party tonight because I'm just too wasted to cope with social life right now. I feel like an ogre for that, too, but truth be told, I would probably have huddled in the bathroom crying if I had gone. What can I say. Maybe I need to go meditate :) (By meditate, I mean on God, bty, lest you think the Eastern poetry stuff has gotten out of hand!)

So anyway...I will not always act like a drugged turtle. If you've read to the end of this post, thank you! The sun will come up again tomorrow :)

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Childhood Terror #2: Escaped!

I have wonderful news! I'm not going crazy, I don't have to spend the precious weeks before Ukraine eating jello and whining, and I don't have to face one of my three worst childhood nightmares!

In other words, I don't have to have my wisdom teeth out, and the jaw problems I've been having are not some kind of debilitating disease; they're just stress.

I've been having bad headaches and tension all over my head, face, neck, and jaw area, and my jaw is uneven. We thought it might be the wisdom teeth I've never had checked, and decided to go to a dentist about it before I leave for Ukraine.

Then, Mrs. Michelle mentioned TMJ, a disorder in the jaw joints that is actually pretty common, I think. It can be caused by all sorts of things, from severe injuries to chewing too much gum, but it's often caused by stress. And as much as I'd like to say I've been serene as an angel the past few weeks...well let's just say there are a few things on my mind. I lay awake at night focusing on not clenching my teeth...among other things.

Anyhow, I read up on it on the internet, and apparently TMJ isn't caused by wisdom teeth. In fact, having your wisdom teeth removed can sometimes cause TMJ, because they open your mouth so abnormally wide. I was not looking forward to sitting there with my sore mouth open like that.

We went to Dr. Cloud this morning, however, still expecting I'd need the wisdom teeth out. I laid back in the chair and erupted in nervous giggles while he and the assistant poked things into my mouth. He said,

"Well, I've had a lot of criers in here, but not many laughers!" I couldn't stop. I turned red and got teary and nearly exploded with laughing, while they grinned and shook their heads at me and continued with the (jiggly) inner-mouth photography.

My mouth felt like an overstuffed broom closet, and the more I thought about the ludicrousness of it the more I couldn't control the eruptions, especially at the part where he said, "Now be really still." Was he trying to be funny? Not to mention it kind of tickled. And things tasted funny. And I've never had a stranger's latex-gloved finger stuck down my throat before. Eww for them! But, everything was so funny it didn't hurt.

And as soon as he peeked into my mouth, Dr. Cloud said,

"You've got great teeth. Who'd you get these teeth from? There's plenty of room in there!" And after a good look at the tickly photos, "I don't know why you'd want to get those out. You've got plenty of room." I didn't even have any cavities. Mrs. Audrey (the assistant) said,

"You've done a great job brushing and flossing," and I didn't have the guts to tell her I have a horror of flossing and never do it.

Well, what can I say? That I've been freaking out all these years over nothing? Pretty much :) Seriously, when I was very little, my three greatest fears were these: (in this order)

1) Getting baptized (In front of all those people! Yikes!)
2 ) Getting my wisdom teeth removed.
3)Being in a housefire.

So far I've overcome #1, avoided #3, and been miraculously spared from #2.

So, I talked with the dentist about the TMJ, and he said, "Relax!" Hm. I laughed and said, "Can you tell me something everyone else hasn't already?" "Well, try to eat soft foods and take an Ibufrofen 4 times a day..." Basically he said, quit stressing and you'll feel better when you move out of the country. Which is kind of what I was thinking anyway. It's just nice to hear it from someone else's mouth! It's not like I won't have problems in Ukraine (Deb's probably laughing), but they will be different problems than the ones I'm clenching my teeth over now :)

They said maybe meditation would help me relax :) I think God was hinting at that already...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refeshment to your bones." Proverbs 3:5-7

I feel embarressed that, as a follower of Jesus, I would be overwhelmed by stress. I'm supposed to lean on Him, right? Trust in Him completely! I guess it's just a growing process. Today was one step deeper in trusting Him because I saw awesome evidence of "Cast all your cares apon Him, because He cares for you." I'm so surrounded with His love and care.

From from my mother's womb (which was, toward the end, a pretty risky place to be since my Mom had Toxemia when I was born) God's been forming me and He knew exactly what teeth I would have and how much space there would be for them. And I don't think the TMJ stuff surprises Him either.

Now, I'll just breath deeply, and hope for better sleep tonight...

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Fried Watermelon [Does Not] Taste Like Chicken


Yay! Mattie and her cake finally loaded! Happy Fourth of July late! She used strawberries and blackberries for the top. I thought that picture of her was really pretty (the cake too!).
Well...it finally happened. I got to fry some watermelon. Elizabeth, my cousin (not the one in Tennessee, but the one who lives next door) came down to our house this afternoon and invited me to come fry watermelon with her!!! I gladly assented.
So we cut up the watermelon, looked up the recipe on the internet, and fried away. Most of the bystanders were skeptical at first, and said it looked like raw fried chicken (which it did). But I think everyone was willing to try it in the end.
The finished product looked like Chinese food (from an American restaurant, that is) and did not taste like chicken, although your brain kind of expected that. The hot pieces were juicy and tongue-scalding, but we learned our lesson pretty quickly and let them cool off. The cooled ones, dipped in powdered sugar, were much better. Sort of a cross between donuts and fried green tomatoes, if you can picture that.
It was nice to have another experimental cook to try it with! I didn't really want to make them by myself for myself. Fun, fun, fun. I'm glad these little times are popping up before I leave.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Fireworks in a Little House

Happy Independence Day! Thanks to God's provision and the blood, sweat, and tears of our dear old forefathers, we get to live peacefully in this country with many freedoms and the chance to think and act creatively.

Here's a sample of creative thought and action right here:

This has been Dad's brainchild for the past couple of months (at least that's as long as I've known about it.) It's an Adirondack chair and table that he crafted with his bare hands (I was impressed!). And a handsaw, of course...or whatever kind of saw. Actually, a true Adirondack chair would be painted white (being from the Adirondacks, he knows these things) :) But he didn't paint this one, because white wouldn't look that nice on our porch.

Back when we were visiting Grandpa Pitz and Dad was looking through Handyman magazines, I mentioned that the wheels were turning...and look what happened!

So, it's the 4th of July, and I'm so glad I don't have to work today. We cleaned house because it was Time To Do It. Ethan is amazing us all with his neatness (which is almost extreme for a five year old!) One of his jobs is to move shoes in the utility room so that I can vacuum under them, and this how he did it:

They were not that neat before he moved them, and nobody told him to line them up like that!

I found Mom in the kitchen making watermelon balls a little while ago, and eyed the melon covetously. (I'm still awefully curious about that fried watermelon).

"You can't touch my watermelon!" she said. How grinchy. Oh well. Someday I'll move away and fry all the watermelon I want to and then she'll be sorry. So there. Just kidding! If you knew the experiments my Mom has put up with...I sure do love her.

Right now, Mattie, Connor, and Ethan are purchasing fireworks with Dad. We're having the Fritz's over for hamburgers, sausages, and (unfried) watermelon later on. Oh, and Mattie's lovely patriotic cake, which she courageously assembled with a badly swollen wasp sting! Now that's a true cook.
(I took a picture of Mattie and her cake, but it won't upload, so I'll try to put it on tomorrow probably.)

Last night, we went to some friends' rental property near the fairgrounds to see the firework show. I wasn't too excited, honestly, but once we got there it was great! Mom said "Whoa, Cass, two parties in a row." Yeah, yeah.

Fireworks are so expressive! The explosions of light and color are the tangible counterpart of abstract joy. The firework show was what my brain looks like on the inside when I'm happy :)
Epiphanies, expanding and expiring, one after the other, too close and too quick to be caught and packaged. Fireworks in a little house. That's what it's like inside when I'm happy.

Ethan was just in here with Mattie, glorying in his loot (after returning from the firework store). He had some firecrackers that look like tanks, and also some that look like snakes. Eying Leyla, he said,

"I'm gonna scare Ley Ley with my snakes. Cute little baby kitty!" Poor Ley. A bath and fireworks in the same day! It's Independence Day for most of us, but nobody said anything about cats.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Knots

I have to say just a little something, even if it's not worth much. I don't know what it is about blogging that is so...addictive? alluring? somehow necessary?

It seems cool out for being the Fourth of July. Or the Third of July. In fact, I want to go out side and take a walk, or just sit somewhere. I've been concentrating so hard on work. Tonight we're going to see fireworks, as tradition dictates...Tradition, TRADITION!! You know, Fiddler on the Roof...

Gosh, my mind is wandering...it's sort of theraputic, actually. There's something about thinking of Fiddler on the Roof right now that makes me want to cry. Don't ask me why; it certainly hasn't evoked that kind of emotion in me before. Also, I feel sad every time I hear that song "Ever Faithful," by David Crowder Band (which I've heard a lot- K-Love, you remember). I love that song, but it makes achy knots in my chest.

Last night I went to our cousins' next door for a board game night. It was nice to go somewhere and actually feel comfortable among strangers. I mean, obviously my cousins weren't strangers, but I didn't know some of the people there. It was a really nice time though, and I felt so cared for that they asked me over. We played Scrabble and Clue, and talked for a while, and ate snacks. I forget sometimes that it's good to just hang around and listen and laugh with other people! Silly me.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

K-Love and Fried Watermelon

Well, I didn't mean I wasn't going to blog at all! Just not as much for a week or two probably while I'm working for Mrs. Castleberry. The job isn't extremely hard, but I do find myself completely worn out at the end of the day. Sore feet and strained eyes. However, I'm very glad for it! (The job, I mean).


I really don't know what to say...I feel like the radio killed all my braincells or something. No, I like the radio. I think. For a while. I guess I liked it all day today. K-Love gets repetitive sometimes, but it was good today.

Besides songs, they talked about fried watermelon, which was rather fascinating. I had never heard of such a thing, but they say it's delicious! You make it just like you'd make donuts, except that instead of frying balls of dough you fry balls of watermelon. And then add powdered sugar and syrup. Hmm. My tastebuds are curious.

Wah. I'm teired. I mean tired. If I keep writing I'll probably just started repeating that over and over again. Like K-Love, only not positive or encouraging...

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Transport of Antlers

I've just discovered that, unfortunately, I will not be able to take my antlers on board my flight to Ukraine. Apparently the airline has policies about antlers:

Antlers
"Northwest accepts antlers retained as hunting trophies as checked luggage only and only for travel within/between US/PR/VI/CA. A fee of $100 USD/CAD each-way per animal rack/antler will apply. Animal racks/antlers are not included as part of the free baggage allowance.

Northwest does not accept liability for loss, damage, or delay of antlers. Excess valuation insurance may not be purchased for transport of antlers."

So, no antlers for me. It would be way too expensive. I'm going to be so sad without my antlers. I'll have to settle for toting my sewing machine instead.

I'm looking up baggage restrictions right now. I don't know why everything goes so much slower than I think it should. I just think "I'll get on the internet really quick and check the baggage stuff"...and before I know, it hours have passed. Maybe I need to quit reading the restrictions on antlers?

I can't blog a lot right now and might not for a week or two, because I'm working at Mrs. Castleberry's doing mosaics this week and next. I'm really thankful for the job, just trying to rest in the fact that God can take care of what I'm not getting done at home.

Four weeks and two days...