Thoughts from a crazed and desperate (but pretty happy) girl

It's raining deliciously outside and I'm curled up in bed under a downy comforter at the Gollan's. As I said in an email earlier, life the past few days has been pretty taxing, but today felt more like an adventure. Not a big earth shaking adventure, just a day of expectancy and the sense that I don't know what will happen next, but it's going to be ok.

I honestly thought I was flexible until I came here. And then I realized I totally had myself fooled. Time has a way of slipping along here so that you can easily have only finished breakfast by 9 or 10. Then around 10:30 it's time to fix coffee for the worker(s), and of course coffee sounds so good to everybody else that out come the little orange cups...and the coffee...and tea...and hot chocolate mix...and milk...and sugar...and then you clean it all up again (maybe) And then suddenly it's 12 and nobody's thought about lunch, and the Russian teacher's coming in an hour.

This was the case today, and Deb needed to pick Sveta up and run to the store, so suddenly I was whipping out chicken noodle soup in record time...unplanned...unprecedented...I don't know how to make chicken soup, but I suppose there's not a wrong way. I dumped in so many noodles and potatos and veggies and chicken it ended up being a big pot of mush, but it was so comfortingly warm that no one complained :) As she was rushing out the door, Deb came and hugged me and thanked me, with some comment about the craziness. I said,

"Half the time I love it, and half the time I'm pulling my hair out!" (almost literally) and she laughed and said,

"It's great preparation for motherhood!"

Yeah, it's preparing me for something crazy, that's for sure. I'm slowly learning to plan, but be ready to abandon plans at a moment's notice without looking back. I have a new sympathy for Lot's wife...hey, she just wanted her security. But nope. When God says go, we have to be quick. Do I really need to be right? To be certain? To be safe in my bubble? Gee, would I make a great pillar of salt.

I fight for sanity in a house where nothing has a belonging place because there are no closets and no shelves, besides the kitchen ones. I spend a whole lot of time looking for things, often things that don't belong to me. They usually belong to people under three feet tall who are old enough to use then but not old enough to remember where they left them. I know this isn't easy for Deb, either. You wouldn't believe how giddy she gets over the thought of shelves...unless you were here, that is :)

It takes a lot of energy, thought, and constant attention, not to mention mass quanitities of grub, to simply fuel six active kids. (All boys but one). It strikes me as odd, but probably the greatest satisfaction I find in the little jobs I do throughout the day is in feeding these little men. This morning as I was frying Clark (2 yrs) his second egg, he held up his little red bowl and said, "Man, I love eggs!" We eat eggs by the carton full around here, so all morning this morning it was two eggs and a toast for so and so, another batch for so and so and a tea for so and so...but I find great delight lurking in there somewhere :) I think I'd rather be in the kitchen than anywhere else, though I know that will come as a great surprise to my Mom...

In a lot of ways I'm enjoying this, but it's also really hard. Deb had a great talk with me the other day just helping me know a little more of her perspective on me being here, and that really helped me feel more secure. I'm glad that we had that communication. Although things are good relationally, the bottom line is that I'm in a foreign country with a family that isn't the family I've lived with for nineteen years, and no matter how glad I am to be here, I have a lot to work through. It's comforting to know that nobody can possibly have as many problems with me as I have with myself :)

I'm embarressed at how badly I handle stress. I so want to be this serene, peaceful, joyful, lifegiving, vibrant young woman, but when the least little pressure comes, I want to cave in. I've noticed a pattern, that when I am under pressure (usually an imagined one) or doing something I don't really want to do or know how to do, I instantly feel drained and my head starts aching. It's instant. It's in my head, I guess, but it literally affectes my body. So I'm wondering how to combat that. It sounds like something I should have grown out of when I was 8. ("I can't clean the dishes, I have a tummy ache!") Yeah. I keep thinking of that verse in Romans 8 that says "He will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit which dwells in you..." So I guess I have to stand on that and keep pressing forward.

I'm thankful for really good sleep. I've been sleeping really well, probably thanks to the cold weather and warm blankets. I do get so exhausted by the end of the day though...around 8 I'm the yawn factory. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of venturing out of the house (or one of my two adopted houses) I guess doubly so because it's cold and raining.

So, I'm really laying it out here, guys. I hope this isn't too complainy...I'm just telling what's going on with me. It's not bad necessarily. I'm confident that God is working and maybe the intensity of that is what's making me so tired out. But you could just pray for continued grace while I'm learning these life lessons. The biggest temptation I have is to fall into thinking "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just get over it? Why am I tired all the time?" and then I start shrinking into a tight little ball of anxiety, and it's downhill from there.

This afternoon I spent with the Gollan kids while Daniel and Priscilla were away. It's fun being around little girls for a change. They're just so different from boys...easier in some ways and harder in others. I haven't painted such little nails or heard such shrill screams in quite a long time...

We watched 101 Dalmations in the cubby the kids had made. It was warm in there, and I almost fell asleep with a bowl of popcorn on my stomach, smelling Ellie's sweet hair shampoo. Mmm. We heated leftovers and the girls made a salad for supper, and I enjoyed sitting down to a meal together, having conversation...it's fun to talk with kids. Jess explained that he likes to argue for fun and that he wants to be president someday. Marie said she doesn't want to give up her last name when she gets married because she's proud of her family name. Angel informed me that she doesn't like meat, and ate her spaghetti with ketchup instead. Ellie didn't say much, except that she needed a glass of water, which she gulped down to assuage the trauma of eating vegetables.

So tomorrow is a new day, and I'll probably go early to market in the rain. Don't know yet if I'll be walking or riding. It's supposed to rain for the next week, I think. It's sort of inconvenient, but other than that I love it.

I bid you all da svydanya...

Busy-ish Days

Good gracious sakes...life is a cheeky beast. The past few days have been so full...I'm not sure how they got that way, but they did.

It's been chilly and rainy probably since I wrote last, and I've had countless cups of tea and coffee. I pretty much alternate, with a slight favor toward coffee...

I've been staying at the Gollans but coming up to the Crowes usually sometime before noon and going back around 9 at night. The school schedule is on hold at the moment since grandparents are here and Uncle Neil and Deb are working on the house. Bruce was in Odesa yesterday wrestling with officials for the container. Auntie Noline has been in the kitchen a lot, and I've been floating 'tween decks doing little jobs here and there: frying eggs, painting stain on the railing, serving coffee to workers, practicing Russian, helping cut carpet, making apple pie, sponging blue paint on the boys' closet floor, helping with supper, wandering around, fetching things, making tea, washing dishes, searching for lost hammers, and trying to figure out the Crowe/Rhodes sense of humor. :)

We get to the end of the day and think "What have we done today?" and the answer is, lots of things...we're just never sure what they are :) Actually, thanks to Uncle Neil, carpets are getting laid, shelves are getting built, and little touches are being added to make this house seem more homey, like toilet paper holders and bathroom mirrors.

Tuesday was quite a day. The Autumny weather suggested apple pie, and the morning was calm, so I decided to go for it. Only, there weren't any apples that I could find. But we have apple trees outside, and one of them was full of rosy round, fairytale-worthy apples. So I went out in a giant dark red rain coat, and, after shaking rain all over myself while attempting to knock down the apples, I looked around for something to knock them out with. I live on a construction sight, so it wasn't hard to find a hefty metal bar, which I was soon wielding skillfully, poking apples out of the tree and stashing them in a plastic bag. One worker emerged from the basement...and laughed at me...and then offered a lighter rod for the operation. That helped, and after chasing down a couple apples that decided to roll down the driveway, I was pretty well set.

The apple pie was an all-day affair, since we didn't have butter or pie plates to start with either, but thanks to Priscilla's pie plate loan, and butter from the Kiev shopping crew, we finally had pie by bedtime :) Yum. It made me think of my dear brother Connor...

On Tuesday we also had our first Russian lesson! That is such a big answer to prayer...I've been going nowhere fast with my language learning. Svetlana is teaching us; not Sveta my friend I originally wrote about or the Sveta who was in Kiev the day I went with Cheryl, but Svetlana, as in Altu and Sveta who we had over to dinner. I'll call her Svetlana so that there's less mix up. She's really sweet (Altu calls her "Sweetlana" and also very thorough with the lessons. She took it slowly and made sure we really knew how to pronounce the words, and didn't let us off easy. I think she's going to be a really good teacher. I'm not sure yet what the lesson schedule is, but she's going to be here again today.

Maybe I'll write more later,,,Russian lessons soon, and then I'm heading back to the Gollans at 2 to be with the kids. So, adios.

Anxiety Problems (Even the word "anxiety" itself looks stressed!)

Oh, how sweet is a quiet room.

My head hurts pretty bad right now and I'm just weak. The past week has worn me out, more mentally than anything. I'm trying to figure too many things out. They're the basic questions, like, "God, what do you want from me?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "How can I please You and the people around me?" It's been giving me a headache and some TMJ problems. But I guess today I realized that it might get worse before it gets better, and if I'm a hair twisting, indecisive, anxious mess for a while as I learn to trust my Savior, it's ok. I'll just have to be a mess right now. If I make myself sick from worrying, God is faithful enough to sustain me until I learn to trust Him. I am learning, it's just slow.

Since I'm staying with the Gollans, I'm going back and forth between their house and the Crowe's a lot. It's pretty convenient, because it's just a short walk, and I really enjoy being at the Gollans. However, it does present extra decisions to make, and I get anxious about deciding when I should go and stay, what I should do at the Crowes, etc. I get anxious deciding when I'm going to take a shower, when and where to eat, whether to check email or what I should do about the conference coming up, all sorts of little things. For so long, I've had my family to hide behind-- I always hung on my Mama's apron strings, and liked it! Now I'm shoved into deciding for myself a lot of the little everyday things that I took for granted at home, going places, making phone calls, buying stuff, etc. Yeah, I dithered a lot at home, too, but I dither a lot more here. I'm most comfortable alone in my room, and anything beyond that takes careful thought. Most of which can only be produced by consistent hair twisting. And when they say I can't twist my hair anymore...

The other day it was supper time, the food was ready, and I was starving to death. I'm used to my family, where when Mom has dinner ready, we all better be there to eat it, or else! At the Crowes' it's a little different, and sometimes the kids straggle in. I kept thinking I needed to wait till we all settled down to eat, but I my tummy was knawing my backbone, and I was getting antsy. So finally I guess I asked if it was ok to get some food or if we were going to all eat together...and Deb said with her usual cheerful grin, "Do whatever the heck you want!" That caught me off guard a little :) but that seems to be the general idea...that I should go ahead and act like a mostly autonomous adult, whether I feel like it or not. It's nice to have that freedom, I'm just being a big baby. I get so anxious about pleasing everyone around me and not wanting to be selfish...but at the same time being relatively satisfied...that I think I'll go crazy. So whatever the heck I want is just to be sane, at this point.

I know God is pinpointing this in my life because it's been an issue with me for so long. I'm excited that all this turmoil must mean good things are happening and that He's helping me grow up a little, and at the same time, grow more dependent on Him. I'm not growing into an independent, strong young woman, but rather a very helpless young woman who has God's creative, decisive, unchanging and always certain power :) I don't like being weak and silly, more than anything I just want Him to be gloryfied.

Last night I rode a bike for the first time in several years. Cheryl was going down to Masha's for the prayer meeting on her bike, so I borrowed a bike from the Gollans and went with her. I haven't had a bike since I was probably thirteen, and this one was on the large side for me, but we got along pretty well. I had trouble mounting my (somewhat) faithful steed a few times, but over all, it was a blast riding. We flew down the Big Hill, almost hit some cats, and then rode through the Center of town. I got quite out of breath trying to climb the long hill towards Masha's. All those gentle slopes are not so gentle anymore when you're on a bike. Especially if you're really out of shape! I loved getting some good exercise that had a point :) But my bum is way bruised.

Tomorrow I'm going to Kiev for the day with Cheryl. She has errands to run and I'm coming along. (Yay for me, I made a decision!) We'll ride the Marshruka (or however you pronounce the busline) in and then get a ride home.

Tonight a sad thing happened in the kitchen. We lost James. He was a colleague or Godfrey's-- they were the little salt and pepper shakers shaped like Italian restaurant waiters. Godfrey is short and fat and James (was) tall and thin. We named them a few days ago, and since then, have said whenever we needed one of those delightful seasonings, "Pass some James please," or, "Salt it up, Godfrey." Sadly, James came to an untimely demise at the cruel hands of our cold tile floor earlier this evening. Godfrey, however, contiunes to smile jovially from beneath his coal black mustache.

Some of the girls have come to hang out in the other room as they often do on Friday nights (here at the Gollans) so I think I'll go join them, as long as brain cells hold out...

Cassie Gets Sassy

Life has become livelier since Deb's parents arrived. Her dad is working on the house with Bruce, and her mom is doing things that grandmoms do...cuddling grandchildren during movies, delivering treats, cleaning up, etc. etc. I'm getting to know Uncle Neil and Auntie Noline, as I guess I'll be calling them, since that's how it goes around here.

Uncle Neil and I are getting along swimmingly. He called me a cheeky beast, and I suppose that's what I'm getting to be, under his provocation. It all started yesterday when he announced to the household that girls are only good for two things: Cleaning up and making food. On hearing that edifying comment, all the females, thus degraded and demeaned, sat down to play cards and did not clean up OR make food, even though it was ooching on toward supper time.

Then, when we did go to the kitchen to make curry, who showed up to interfere with the "girls' work" but Uncle Neil, showing us how to cook the chicken. Since he and Deb wanted it two different ways, I sort of did my own thing, which he dubbed "rebellion" or "the R word." THEN he started in on my hair twisting habit, which has worsened as I grow more and more uncertain about what to do when. Whenever I'm trying to make a decision, I twist my hair. And he insisted that I stop. Every couple of minutes he insisted, until I was forced to go into hiding just so I could THINK straight. They all ganged up on me (at least Deb joined in) and now they're on a campaign.

Well, I think, (not that they care what I think) that I'm entitled. It's not their hair. And if the Count of Monte Cristo can do it, then I jolly well can too! Sass, rebellion, and cheek! Straight on my way to becoming a cheeky beast.

I was a little uncertain about the relationship until Uncle Neil handed me a red utility knife this evening and set me to work on the carpet. I told him maybe he shouldn't be giving me a utility knife after all those provoking things he had said to me, but apparently he trusted me. We got along well, although every time I stopped to think (and twist) he rebuked me as if I were a naughty puppy. I've never been fond of being treated like a dog, but I'm getting used to it. I can still twist when his back is turned. I think I might be getting a little sassy.

We made some progress on the carpet, but there's still a ways to go. Since Bruce and Deb had already cut the carpet and padding, and we worked on trimming and setting it, and then Deb came over and we glued the seam. I got to learn how to strike a line on the carpet with a chalk coated string so we could cut a straighter edge. It's a very engaging activity for perfectionists. Thankfully I'm not too perfectionist, so it was just engaging enough to be fun.

We've stopped now, and Auntie Noline showed me how to make rice pudding. It's just out of the oven and we're drowning it in cream and marmalade. It feels like a Christmas holiday. Quite different from last night when I woke up at 3:30 thinking distressing thoughts and couldn't go back to sleep. Just when I think I've adjusted here, life kinks like a writhing water hose. And just when I think things are getting bad, new, undeserved joys get dumped in my lap.

I think I'm on an I've-had-more-caffeine-and-carpet-glue-and-less-sleep-than-usual high right now and need to break this cycle so I can get some rest...

Oh, check out the shirt I got at the Perpetual Ukrainian Yardsale this morning! (Featured in new profile picture) It's got my birth year on it AND it just happens to be my favorite color...a safe, comfortable, cozy, wintery dark gray...how could I resist, even if it does have a slight hippy flair with the tye dye there. Hehe.

A Cliff Birthday

I'm tucked away in a lamplit room at the Gollans with the windows open, listening to the muffled toss and howl of the wind tonight. I like it immensely.

Deb's parents arrived this evening for a three week visit, so I'm relocating to the Gollans for that time. It's just right down the hill, and I'll be at the Crowes a lot still, but I'll be spending nights here. Priscilla welcomed me in and showed me "my room" for now, complete with tiny Twix candy bar on the bath towel and, you guessed it! A hot shower!

Their well here is small, so they can't take long showers, but even three minutes in a REAL shower is huge to me right now! I didn't realize and didn't want to admit how nice it is to take a shower the normal way. It's odd what happens to your body when you take a normal shower after nearly six weeks of "abnormal" showers. Your skin rubs off. Your hair falls out. You begin to feel...oh, what's the word? Clean. Yeah, clean. It's nice.

Oh, and did I mention the mirror and the cupboard? I can put all my clothes on shelves, and I get to put make up on in the morning! Being at the Crowe's unfinished house hasn't been what I'd call roughing it, but I just realized there are some special little things that it's easy to take for granted. It's not like I "deserve" a break or ought to expect any certain thing...but it sure is nice.

Aside from the small comforts...ok, big comforts! I'm glad about spending this time at the Gollan's. I enjoy their family so much, and their love for the Lord and for people is just...appealing, I guess. It feels very home-like.

I got a teensy bit homesick yesterday when Shane, Mark, and Jackie, three of the people who have been here for the summer, left to go back home...or wherever they're going...Watching all the goodbying and hugging and slapping on the back kind of kind of gave me that weird 1 Thessalonians feeling when I thought of the goodbyes I've said in the past few months...it hit a sensitive spot for me.

But after a good think on the matter, and a Skype phone call to my family, I felt much better, and my constant underlying sense of things is that I'm SO GLAD I'm here. I really love it here, and I'm not focused on the day I'll go home. Each day holds new life, and I truly feel this freedom here to grow and become who God wants me to be, like a flowering vine when you give it a trellis.

Today we went on a picnic with the Gollans, Jono, and Cheryl. It was in honor of Marie's birthday (she was turning 11 I think.) They set up a tent next to a grassy "cliff" overlooking the river and we sat on blankets and had ice cream and cake and lunch.

It was an amazing view. On the way there, Brent asked, "So is this a cliff birthday?" :) This is Clark and Angel...

Here are Bronwyn, Marie the Birthday girl, and Rodgy making silly faces while devouring their cake...Cheryl's to the side there, taking pictures of something else. Cheryl put together some games, including two relays that we did in a nearby grove of trees (I love those trees...I don't know what they are, though. Maybe birches?)

I joined in this relay...Marie and I had to carry a balloon between us, racing against the boys. I don't know who won, but fun was the point, and I think the goal was accomplished!For the last game, four of the kids had to "dig for worms" in a bowl full of jello topped cookie crumbs. The worms were gummy worms, of course, although Cheryl left it a mystery. This was harder than it sounds, however: they couldn't use their hands! Competitive Jesse came out the winner, but Rodge did well too...Great fun. The kids hiked down the steep slope and went swimming in the shallow area of the river, while some of us stayed behind in the shade. (It was in the 80's or close to 90 today and the sun was intense.)

Deb took Clark down, and grabbed something along the way (we don't know if it was a wasp or some kind of plant or what) that stung her badly. Combined with the steep climb back uphill, the heat, and the throbbing, she thought she might faint...and she had to drive us home in the standard, because I can't drive one. (Bruce was home working). So Cheryl came along and did the shifting, after Deb was feeling a little more steady. We have had so many stings around here!

So it was quite a day. That was all before Bruce and Deb left to get her parents and the kids cleaned house and I made up some soup.

So I'm off to bed now, to a cricket lullaby...

Visiting Ira, Attending a Birthday Party, and Getting Hugs from Doah

Well, I did it! I took some chocolate chip cookies to Ira's house next door! I don't know why I was so nervous, but, well...I guess I had good reasons. Anyhow, Deb reminded me that perfect love casts out fear, and that can also mean that our love for people casts out the fears we have of them.


She was tending the garden when I walked over, plate in hand. I called to her, and came and gave the cookies to her, and immediately she said, "Do you want to come and have some tea?" I didn't do the Ukrainian thing and demure (is that the word?) but accepted right away. She took me into the rich-warm-brown kitchen and motioned to a seat while she started clearing dishes and bread from the table.


"On Saturday we clean the house," she explained, and then apologized for the mess several times. Not that I've never seen a mess before! I assured her it didn't bother me. Her Mom was vacuuming and Ira herself had been working in the garden, but she completely dropped what she was doing, washed her hands, and made tea for us. And we proceded to visit for the next hour, eating cookies and chocolate and sipping our tea and struggling through sentences with missing words.


She's studying in Kiev to be a doctor, and she can speak some English, which she learned in highschool. She said her English isn't very good because she hasn't used it in a year, I think. It was great compared to my Ukrainian or Russian...or whatever it is...they have a term here for mixed Russian and Ukrainian. Slazhik? I can't remember.


We chatted about chatty things, and she looked up words in her dictionary to help our communication along. I felt bad that she seemed to be embarressed by her English...I didn't want her to feel like I expected her to speak English to me. I would be happy to learn some Russian from her.

We sipped our tea in the sunlight shining throught the lace kitchen curtains. Eventually Ira asked,

"So why are you here? Why are the Crowes here? You leave everything and move to Ukraine. Why?"

It wasn't the easiest question to answer. In fact, I was pretty vague and didn't really answer at all. For one thing, our communication wasn't the best in the first place and we weren't quite understanding each other, and for another, it became evident that she's pretty suspicious of us and what we're doing. She wanted to know if we're starting some kind of religious school...what religion we are...

Well, what religion am I? I told her I'm a Christian, but she wanted to know if I was protestant...I wanted to tell her that religion is really beside the point...I mean, yes, I guess she's right in calling me a missionary, but I'm not into the terminology...I think they are concerned about these weird new neighbors with all the kids and want to pin a label on us so they know what to watch out for. Those religious fanatics...

I had been thinking of the verse in 2 Cor. 4 that says "we do not use deception or distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we are commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God."

So I explained what I could as plainly and truthfully as I could. I don't want to try to hide anything from her, but I also don't want her to put us in a "protestant" box or whatever. There is plenty to value in orthodoxy too, although I'm not familiar with a lot of their beliefs. I know in my head and heart that it all comes down to Jesus Christ being the Son of God, but I don't quite know how to explain how that works in my everyday life!

But we've got time. Despite her suspicions, she was very friendly and said "Come to me again. Come on Sunday, when I will not clean the house." I told her she could come see me as well. So, I'm so glad for that opportunity. I just want to be friends with her and let her see over time that I'm not trying to spread some kind of cult...

On a different note...we just got back from a birthday bash for Ruth, one of the missionaries from New Zealand. Birthdays seem to be a big deal around here. She is turning thirty, and it was a good excuse to have a jolly get together, so people from all around the area came and there was music, shashlik (Ukrainian barbeque), bonfire, and tiki torches and a lot of chatting and laughing. It was at their house down the road, which is being renovated right now, and lots of people spread out on a big carpet in the back yard and visited. I met some people from Cagarlik, a nearby town, and said hi to some I already knew.

What a big party! As usual, the crowd was intimidating to me, but I keep being pleasantly surprised at how friendly people are...just coming up and saying hi like they actually know me...which some of them sort of do, but I guess I actually feel closer to them than a lot of people at home. After several conversations, I just stood around, uncertain, but it as it got later it was nice to sit on the carpet under cover of darkness just staring at nothing, listening to music with English words (strangely missed) and watching Noah giggle and fall over on the uneven ground.

What a baby that Noah is. I'm rather fond of that one! He's the huggiest baby I've ever seen, and sometimes he's my special grace. I've never seen a one year old that would walk over and just hug you, but Doey does! When I need a hug, there's always Doe. I'm going to write an ode to him someday. He's my Knight in Shining Diapers. Of course, this is the same child who pooped next to my bed today when he got on the loose without a diaper...and then he crawled on the mattress and there was evidence on the wall where I had my post it notes...not much damage though. Nothing a little cleaning wouldn't fix.

Everyone I meet thinks I'm so young. I mean, younger than I am. I know I do seem younger, I just get tired of it I guess. But I guess it's who I am inside that counts :) When I was talking to Svetlana she asked me my age and when I told her I was nineteen, she said, "You look so young, Cassie. You're like their (the Crowes') oldest child." Haha. Oh well. What can I say. When we go places I hang out with the kids sometimes when I don't know what else to do, and someone told me I look like them...so I suppose it makes sense.

So, off to bed now. Tomorrow is a potluck picnic thing...more social activity, and to think I don't even mind! I'm quite pleased with myself :)

P.S. And for future reference, Noah has many interchangeable nicknames, and we all use whichever is most suitable for the moment, so in the future you might see

No, Noey, Do, Doey, Doah, Mo, Moey, Moah, Momo, Momah, Nomah, Bo, Boah, Bobo, Dobah, Bobah, (I've even been tempted to call him Obediah) and don't forget...No-No-Noah! You'd think No was his middle name...

It's a Good Thing That I'm Not Perfect?

I just got back from a school on the other side of town where Jono, a guy here from New Zealand, was interviewing kids for the English school he's doing. He wanted a few people to come and help serve drinks and cookies and be friendly while he was testing students, etc., and so I went as reinforcements.

So around 4, Jono and his underlings (Natasha, Sveta, Max, and I) went to the school and set up shop in a classroom. He didn't know how many would show up; I guess he had advertised these classes he's doing, so people could just come to sign up if they were interested. Four moms came with their daughters (I guess boys don't want to learn english). Jono tested them on their english skills while Natasha (who works for Jono) did paperwork with the parents. Sveta helped some with that, but most of the time, she and Max and I sat and visited quietly, since nobody wanted cookies, tea, or coffee.

I was so happy to be with Sveta again. She's the kind of person who always means it when she asks "How are you?" and always stops to listen to the answer. I met Max for the first time (he's Ukrainian but speaks pretty good english.) He's interested in philosophy and likes to play djembe, and right now he's staying with Jono.

It was great to visit and pick up a few Russian and Ukrainian phrases. Sveta and Max tried to help me a little. I still can't figure out which language I'm trying to learn :)

The conversation I had with Max really encouraged me. He was curious about why I would leave my home and friends and come to live here with the Crowes. I'm still trying to figure that question out myself. I mean, I came because I wanted to and because I believe God wants me here right now, but I don't have much of an explanation for it. I don't think I really need one.

At one point, Sveta was busy with paperwork, and Max began asking me about what my hobbies are (another question I'm never sure about...uh...journaling?) And then he asked me how long I had known the Lord, so I told him, and then asked, "What about you?" So he told me about his relationship with God and how he struggles to stay out of trouble and a bad crowd, and sometimes wonders if Jesus is the only way, etc. We talked a little about that, and then I shared how I had been struggling this morning with having faith in God.

This morning at breakfast Deb encouraged me because I've been feeling down and frustrated about how dependent I get on emotions. She encouraged me that no matter what I feel like, the truth is always the same. Jesus is the Truth. It's a matter of believing that our sins are forgiven and God accepts and loves us, even if we don't feel like it.

This morning when I was talking about this, I felt weak, like my Christianity was under par. But tonight, while I was sharing this with Max, it dawned on me that if it hadn't been for that weakness of mine, I wouldn't have been able to offer him any encouragement. I don't know what it meant to him, but I realize that it's like Paul says, I can glory in my weakness! If I were perfect all the time, I wouldn't be of much use to the kingdom, I guess! I hadn't thought of it like that before :)

So, I want to pray that Max finds some good friends who will hold him up and not tear him down, and that he would be able to make right choices.

Later on Sveta went outside to talk with some kids she knew, and I went along, straining to understand Ukrainian. After 7, nobody showed up, so we tidied up and Jono entertained us by reciting laughable poetry...I have never heard anyone actually spout off in poetry! I was stunned and inspired, and started twisting my hair and staring into space trying to remember poems I've memorized...a pitiful few. Sveta said we should have a concert.

So we left, and I came home and drank warm milk with honey, and now I'm going to moi kravat because ya khochu spat on moya padushka blahblahalakvnv;jfvalfnvenhwjkbnwgajlkgjevnl.

Goodnight.

Kingdom Values

(Aug. 31)

Wow. I’m so…happy. What can I say. I have so much I could never deserve and wouldn’t have even quite asked for! God is always picking the oddest times to surprise me with pleasure…just plain old earthly pleasure. It freaks me out actually, and seems to inconveniently interrupt my otherwise religious life J

The past few days I’ve been keenly stricken with the beauty and actual sensual delight of life...The taste of apple pie melting in my mouth…the breathtaking beauty of the Ukrainian sky, a patriotic array of pale gold clouds mingled with ragged grey on a blue horizon and the wind whipping up the river across the valley…the refreshment of a hot shower after four weeks of cold-luke warm bucket baths…the comfort of a cuddly blanket on a cold night (yes, it was 53 F last night, and felt colder to my shocked body!)…The verbal artwork of the word “shashlik” rolling off my happy tongue…the familiar sounds of David Crowder Band gracing my ears…

These are just the physical blessings, and then there are the emotional and spiritual blessings of having friends to talk to who truly listen and understand and give back. People to connect with, sermons to hear that drive me deeper, God’s word rousing me, increasing freedom to live out of God’s approval rather than man’s…

Last night, Cheryl invited me over to her house to watch a movie and spend the night, and I was thrilled. We curled up in blankets and had pizza and watched Paycheck, and then I got a wonderful night of sleep. This morning we had some really encouraging conversation over our breakfast and coffee. I have so many new things to think about here that I’ve found myself really needing to talk it out with people. I was grateful for Cheryl’s ear and her wisdom. We listened to a sermon on her laptop and got hot showers. Her water is low right now, but it’s hot! Wow. I have never been so grateful for hot water before. That was a most blessed shower! The whole time was such an overwhelming refreshment to me!

You know, I really didn’t come to Ukraine to be comfortable. True, I really thought I would like it here, and I hoped I’d enjoy it, but typically you don’t equate anything “missions-ish” with comfort. Sometimes it’s really difficult for me to enjoy the good things in my path because I feel guilty that I have them while others don’t, or I feel that I really must not be following God if I have these material possessions, or all the money I need, or just an easy time of it. That’s not the way Jesus or Paul or the fathers of the early church lived, right? I get anxious about that. And I get anxious about how easy it is to slip into selfishness and apathy when I’m comfortable.

These challenges have been rising in my mind since I’ve been here as I’ve wondered about spending/giving, serving/reaching out, and a host of other things. Before I came I thought I was “doing pretty good” and now, I realize that Jesus still has a lot of unfinished work in my life! But whoa, He’s such Man of Fire and Power that I know He’s going to do it!

A few days ago Deb and I went to a ladies Bible study (again at Cheryl’s) where we listened to a message called “The Treasure Principle” by Randy Alcorn. It was about money and giving and it hit me right in some spots that were already sore. I had had that on my mind all week, each time I went to market, and other times. I’m still pondering that one.

Then, this morning, the message we listened to was one by Tim Keller called “The Community of Jesus” I think (Listen to it if you possibly can!) both Cheryl and I kept taking notes and she even stopped it once so we could take in the point he was making. It was a straightforward sermon focused on what Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount from the passage in Luke 6, about the values of Jesus’ kingdom vs. the values of the world, and how they enable God’s children to live in community.

He said that the values of the world are power, comfort, laughter (literally, gloating over success), and recognition, while the values of God’s kingdom are the opposite: weakness, sacrifice, grief, and exclusion. Jesus says we are blessed not just for experiencing those things, but actually in the midst of those things. Tim Keller made the point that we don’t go seeking these things in a masochistic way, but, as one man said (I think named David Wilcox)

“In Jesus kingdom we prize the things the world avoids at all costs.”

He said that we don’t refuse power, comfort, success, or recognition, but we look on them with suspicion, knowing they are easily corrupted. He explained that when we enter a relationship with Jesus, we are given a radical freedom from the world’s values in order to live in Jesus’ values. Woohoo! Like Jesus when he walked this earth, the world has no hold on us.

So I thought about all the unexpected comforts I’m experiencing. When I first came here everything was strange, new, and hard, but now, I am really liking it and feeling comfortable here, even down to hanging out with people from church at the Gollan’s this past Friday night. I actually feel like I’m becoming part of things. But I’ve feared this comfort because for one thing, I didn’t come here to be safe and comfy and hide out. Jesus said to go into all the world and preach the gospel, and I guess my thought was that going was the hard part, and once I “went” I would automatically start preaching the gospel. But guess what! I’m the same small shy Piglet person I was a month ago in East Texas! Yeah, jetlag changes you, but not that much! I keep feeling guilty for enjoying myself so much.

But as I think about Jesus and dig into His word, I see this man as a Man on Fire. People surged around Him just to touch Him so they could be healed. He caused controversy and upsets and filled the crowds with awe because of God’s power in His life. I’ve so often read the gospels as if they were a message to me about how to be like Jesus; in other words, an exposition on my failures as a Christian. But now I’m seeing it as “Look at this Man! Look who Jesus is and what He did! Come stick your finger in this outlet and prepare to get zapped! Look at what He values and look at how powerful and sufficient He is. Look at the Bread from Heaven, the Spring of Living Water. Come drink from this Power Source!”

In light of who He is and what He cares about, I see these earthly comforts and blessings with different eyes. Obviously, everything has come from Him and no one else. 1 Tim. 6:17 says that “God provides us richly with everything for our enjoyment”, and Paul said that he had learned to be content with both little and much. So I do just thank God for these good things He’s given me.

I also recognize that I’m not to rely on those things. They are sweet gifts, but if they flowed into me and stopped there I would become like a pond with no outlet- stagnant. God likens His Spirit to a stream of flowing waters (John 7:38) so when good things flow into me, they should also flow through me and out of me. We comfort each other with the comfort we have received (2 Cor. 1:4) I believe that God is bringing some healing into my life after some fierce storms, and this is part of that comfort. However, I need that comfort and refreshment to overflow onto other so that God’s kingdom will be glorified.

I want to be willing to drop everything and run to Him at a moment’s notice, like an obedient child. I want to be willing to be sleepless or hungry or lonely without complaint. I’m so grateful for these blessings, but I long to be found faithful when put to the test. It’s hard to enter other people’s pain, and, as Pastor Bud talks about, “Be strong enough to care.” It’s hard when you’re comfortable to get up off the figurative or literal couch and stay alert, to be “prepared for action” and “sober in spirit,” and to deny yourself when the moment comes to give instead of receive.

It’s a challenge to live with little, and it’s also a challenge to live with much! But I’m rejoicing in my Lord who died to set men free. I want to be quick to obey, quick to risk, and quick to die, just like Him. I know in the limited experience I have in living these kingdom values that there is indeed a blessing in the painful seasons. There’s a blessing and a peculiar sweetness in the midst of weeping, in the bleak pain of loneliness, in the acceptance of our weakness and the increase of Christ’s strength. The world can’t understand it from the outside, because it’s a mystery, but we know it produces life in us.

Jesus, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done. Let me learn to live the mystery.

A Few of My Favorite Things

(Aug 30)

I can’t believe August is almost over! At the same time, it’s hard to believe it’s August with the chilly weather today. It’s been rainy and overcast off and on, with gusty wind and chilly temperatures. Maybe in the 50’s? I can’t tell. I’m resisting putting on a sweater…I have to get used to this, right?

It’s becoming more and more keenly evident that we don’t have gas or hot water :) Not that we would turn the gas on right now, but this just reminds us of what’s to come. Hey, we have a tea kettle and all the tea we want, so who’s complaining?

Today we had such a nice time visiting with the Micah and Christy Claycamp, who came over to visit with their four young kids. Three more boys and a girl to add to the mix! They kept each other happy the whole time pretty much.

We ventured to make apple pie with the fresh apples from the trees in the yard and oh man…it was amazing! There’s something so satisfying about making a pie. I don’t think I’ll ever be too homesick as long as there is pie to be made. With limited dishes right now, I’m learning to be creative. I used a Pringles can for a rolling pin a few days ago, (yeah, can you believe there are Pringles right here in little Rzhishchiv?) and today searched around and found the stainless steel camping thermos Mrs. Burklin gave me in a traveling kit she made for my graduation gift. Being long and smooth, it worked quite well for a rolling pin, and the crust didn’t stick! Thanks Mrs. Burklin! :)

So the Claycamps came about ten and we made lunch and sat down and ate it, then enjoyed pie and ice cream and tea for quite a while…it was just a nice leisurely visit and I enjoyed getting the know some more people from the area.

When they left and Deb and I were cleaning up, I commented, “People are always asking me what I like to do and I don’t know how to answer them. Well, this is what I like to do.”

“What? The dishes?” she asked with a grin.

“NO!” I returned. (We have an ongoing joke that doing dishes is my “default” and that that’s what I do when I can’t think of anything else). “No, not dishes. Having people over and fellowshipping and having good things to eat together.” I realized with pleasure that it reminds me of so many Sunday afternoons at home having people in our house for a meal and sharing with them. I’m amazed at how my family life has, in many ways, prepared me for being here. Something I treasured so much at home is being carried out right here in Ukraine, just with the Crowe’s family instead of mine. So I can hardly even feel homesick!

Ya Tse Lyublyu!

Today, Deb and I (plus Brent and Clark, who are 6 and 2,) went into Kiev a bit and shopped at some second hand stores with Priscilla, who came from Rzhishchiv to meet us. Bruce dropped us off at the metro and Priscilla met us, then took us to the shops. It was rainy, windy, and a bit chilly. I picked the wrong day to wear shorts!

But it felt really good, and by the time we were done shopping in the first store, the rain had pretty much stopped.

(Deb, Clark, Me, Brent)

We wound through a little market area, and then came out to a row of buildings that were covered but open front and back, with wooden floors like you’d find in a barn. There were racks and tables all over, and it was basically what you’d find in a goodwill or resale shop…but I liked it better. There were both ratty things and quite nice things! It was a big thrill for me to get to use my teeny bit of Russian and learn a bit about the culture..

Priscilla was really sweet and helpful. I’m so thankful for the godly examples I have in her and Deb. They really are women who love the Lord, and love their husbands and kids. I don’t know Priscilla well yet, but I can tell.

During the shopping time, I found a long brown sweater coat that was like new, a thin green scarf, and a brown purse for $16 altogether. I went ahead and bought them, and I was really glad not only to get the things, but to have the experience of getting them! In each section of the store, there was a clerk to help you out (you paid them right there) so there was no check out. I had a hard time communicating with the first guy in Russian, but then he laughed at me and switched to English, and I understood pretty well.

In the second section, I asked a few questions of the girl working there, but my Russian wasn’t getting us anywhere, and couldn’t speak English. Priscilla helped translate a little, but I mostly just smiled and laughed a lot…nervously. I wanted so badly to talk to her, but I just wasn’t sure how! Priscilla said, “When you try to speak their language to them, that’s a gesture of love.”

So I tried. I desperately wanted to. Then Clark suddenly had to go potty, so Priscilla took Deb to find the exciting potties…not my story to tell! So Brent and I wandered around that part of the store some more. But I didn’t really wanted to buy more, so I was just standing there. I noticed the girl wasn’t busy, and with fewer people around, I felt braver. So I went over to her and asked “What is your name?” in Russian. “Lana,” she replied. And then she asked my name, and we started talking. We stumbled and fumbled and I laughed and shrugged my shoulders a whole lot. But I was so excited I couldn’t keep my smile in. She was really nice, and looked a lot like my oldest cousin, Mattie (not my sister Mattie).

We managed to communicate (without any English!) that she was a student in Ukraine and her family lives here in Kiev, and that I’m not a student here, but I’m an American staying with friends and helping take care of their children, and I’ve been here five days. And we're both 19. She kept saying something about chai and coffee, and I think I told her I had had coffee with breakfast (who knows what I actually said or didn’t say! But finally I realized that she was asking if she could get me some coffee! I nodded vigorously…it was perfect coffee weather and the store was a little drafty. That sweater I bought was looking better and better.

She left to get the coffee and I turned away, grinning from ear to ear, suddenly flooded with a sense of being accepted. I’ve struggled with entering this country suspicious of people because I hear so much about the crime and lack of morals, but I want to look at them with eyes of love and understanding instead of fear and judgement. These kind clerks, (who weren’t even being pushy about buying things!) were reshaping my impressions.

Lana returned with two tiny plastic cups half full of steaming black coffee. Nothing wimpy about that coffee! She smiled and stirred and I smiled back and inhaled deeply, making “mmm” noises. Then brought it to my lips…and tasted…whoa!!! Coffee with an attitude!!! It was good, too. But I could see why they only serve it two ounces at a time! So now I know why I didn’t feel sleepy today…

We talked just a little more until our conversation sort of fizzled out. Priscilla and Deb came back. I wanted to get a picture with my new friend, but she had gone out of the room. So we went on to another store, my heart light and soaring.

I’ve been asking God what He has for me here as far as sharing the gospel goes. It could be easy to sort of hide away and occupy myself with the kids and not really attempt much else. I know Rzhishchiv will be different, but here in Kiev, how do you go about actually meeting people?

Deb and I were down at the beach (by the river) with the kids on Monday and saw lots and lots of people sprawled all over the beach, obviously in a pretty lost condition. I was there to play with the kids and have a refreshing swim, and that was good, but I was wondering, "God, how would You reach all these people?"

I know that there’s a place for street evangelism, or just walking up to people and talking with them, but I don’t know if that’s for everyone. What does He want for me? Not only do I want to practice Russian, I want to make friends, for my sake and theirs. And I want to share the Treasure I have.

So I was asking these questions, and then came today, and Lana…I know it was God’s way of nudging me and saying, “Here’s how…" And out shopping, no less!

I enjoyed being in those shops so much. Deb found some towels and a lot of English books (the stuff at those stores is apparently from humanitarian aid groups, some from Germany or the UK or wherever, so the stuff is marked down but there’s still a cost because of customs or something. Not sure how it works.) There were lots of beautiful skirts, especially. I got to use my “Izvinitye” (Excuse me) and “Skolka” (how much?” a lot.

I found myself just really enjoying it and feeling so at home, even when we got on the dingy old metro, feeling grimy from all the handling. At one point, I told Deb, “I’m just so content.” I’m so grateful that God has brought me here. He knows I have so many issues, but He brought me to this amazing place to deal with them instead of making me stay home until I was perfect :) haha, like that was going to happen! And maybe, in the process, I’ll get to bless the Crowes and show love to others.

It was long past lunch time when we passed McDonalds on the way from the metro to the bus, so Deb ran in and got some ice cream for us (after standing in line for what must have been twenty minutes.) But it was sunny by now, and breezy, and pretty much perfect weather for standing outside and not sweating. The little boys were so incredibly patient. Neither of them whined a lick. And I picked up a new Russian phrase while we stood there…McDonalds’ phrase, “I’m lov’in it,” off the umbrellas outside:

Ya Tse Lyublyu!

Seems to sum it up about right!

Don't Start That!

(This was from yesterday, but I was in a hurry and forgot to post it!)

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you."



-Frederick Beuchner



Mom just read that quote to me from The Shack. She's been reading it, and after hearing about it from every person I've seen in the past three weeks, I can't wait to read it myself and see what it's like. I get to tomorrow. On the plane. ON THE PLANE, PEOPLE! I'm not really excited or anything. Nah, not me. Not excited at all.



Upstairs, three stuffed suitcases sit waiting on the bed and floor, and the bedroom is the mess of the century. I said bye to Flic last night. She's the hardest one, probably, because I have no idea when I'll see her again since she's moving to Utah. *sniff sniff* She thought I was starting to cry when I hugged her and she said,



"Don't start that!" But I totally WASN'T. I had something in my eye, probably.



We'll leave for Shreveport around 1:00 pm, and at 5:00. I'm hoping for



presence of mind

good conversations on the plane

no bribes, threats, or other harrassements...

More Fun Than Human Beings Deserve

Whoa!!! Three days till I leave! Here's how the packing is coming, in case you wanted to know:

This is not "everything," of course...but it's most of it besides clothes, laptop, and sewing machine. There is a method to the madness, although I'm not always clear on what that is :) The packing seems to be going smoothly, though. I separated the "stuff" by category in tubs and boxes and then listed it and then checked some things off the list...I don't know if this is being organized or being deranged, but I'm having fun and I can't think of any other way to do it. One moment I'm feeling like Super-Organiza-Woman, and the next I'm thinking, "Oh gosh, who am I kidding?"

In the midst of the madness, my parents have bought a new car. A "new" car...a cute, vibrant looking '03 Hyundai Santa Fe. Or Santa Fe Hyundai. However that goes. Here...see for yourself:

Mom and Dad have been praying and searching for a vehicle, because the van was getting pretty unreliable, and they wanted something with better gas milage. So they traded the van in this morning and bought this. So, bam!!! All of a sudden, there's a new car and no debt! Kind of miraculous :)

I do get this feeling though, that I'm being nudged out the door...the car only has five seats, and it's a standard, which I can't drive...(yet). When I'm home for Chirstmas, I'll have to learn. eek. It was sort of wierd realizing that this morning was the last time I'll drive until then. Unless, of course I end up driving in Ukraine...wouldn't that be a blast...

This morning Mom woke me up for coffeetime while it was still grayish outside. She came in and kissed my cheek, and then sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed my back very softly for a while. I cracked my eyes open and tried making some grateful noises. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed at the mercy God gives me through her.

I know how a bear feels when it's coming out of hibernation. The backrub got my blood circulating a little, which is always a nice advantage in the morning. What a lovely way to wake up. It just makes me sigh with happiness to think about it :)

Leaving is crazy. Prayer time last night was great. SO MANY PEOPLE CAME! It was a great time for everyone to visit. I loved just getting to come before the Lord and be free from worrying about the million prayer requests that could have been offered. God reminded me that He already knows what we need before we ask...so we were able to just have a sweet worship time, and I enjoyed hearing Connor play the guitar. I live with him, but I never seem to get to hear him play!

Yesterday I met the Murzins, Andrei and Olga, and their daughter Nadia, and two young boys. They're visiting from Kiev, and they've known Bruce and Deb for a while, so I'll be seeing them while I'm over there. Nadia is close to my age, and I like her already. It's exciting to already have that connection, and I was really glad I got to talk to them about some details for flying over and what not. I already have friends!

Meeting the Murzins made the fact that I'm going to a foreign country much more real, or surreal, I should say! It added a gravity to my giddiness, but was really good at the same time. Just as Mrs. Olga told me over and over "Don't worry, don't worry!" (I wonder why she said that? :), my worries really do fade when I look at the safety of being in God's hand. When I see all that He has done, the things that are so far beyond what I "deserve," I just have to love Him even more. And love turns into trust, and trust melts into peace.

This is "more fun than human beings deserve..."

I think somebody at World Mandate said that...

These Small Hours...

Here's what I wrote yesterday but didn't get to post:


Things are a little crazy, so I haven’t blogged much. But it’s a good crazy. I’ve been lunching with Flic and spending the night with Lauren and Gracie…kind of flowing with the go…wherever the next moment takes me. I needed to run a couple more errands yesterday and had planned to take Mattie for ice cream, so Lauren and Gracie came along and we ended up eating Dippin’ Dots at the mall, which I’ve always planned to do at some point :)

It was about like I expected…nice for the experience, in Lauren’s words, but not exactly what I’d call “The Ice Cream of the Future.” After all, it was the Ice Cream of the Future at least nine years ago when I first saw it.

We’ve just been swimming. Earlier I was at the church on my computer while Mom and Mattie did their cleaning job. I felt bad for not helping, but apparently not bad enough to help…

I needed to get on the internet with my laptop (which I can’t do at home), so I took that opportunity. I actually bought music on Itunes for the first time ever…a very novel experience. I loved getting to just pick out songs, I just wish that I could get them on my mp3 player now. One song went on, but not the three I liked best.



For some reason I got more frustrated and upset over that than anything else I’ve dealt with in the past few days. I think I'm worn out. Anyway, I spent the swimming time trying to take deep breaths and be thankful for everything the Lord has provided for me the last couple of days. He’s so good…

Of the four songs I got, two were by Rob Thomas, someone I’d never really heard, except that one of his songs (which I bought) was at the end of Meet the Robinsons, and I’ve been enchanted with it since I heard it :) It’s called “Little Wonders.” And then I got “Ever the Same.” He’s a secular artist, but those two songs have really good lyrics, and I love his voice.

So, I’ve been thinking a lot more about that sneaky, scary word “goodbye” since Flic confronted me with it on Wednesday when we were together.



“So have you started saying goodbye yet?” she asked. “No…” I really thought I was going to be goodbying my head off, as in, preparing myself mentally a whole lot…I said I would never be the person who blocks it out because they don’t want to feel it. But now, not only do I understand why people do that (and the good reasons behind it), I’m doing it myself. It seems like the most logical, easy way to leave. At the same time, though, I can’t stand the thought of not saying a definite goodbye before I go. I just want to postpone it.

It’s definitely a lot easier to leave than to be left, I grant that. Ouch. I have to feel for my friends and family members who not only will miss me, but would really like to be flying away themselves. I live with the go-ingest people ever. In a few years, we’ll probably all over the planet.

But it dawned on me Wednesday as I was driving home that I can’t stop time. I can’t reverse it. I can only embrace the future as it comes, minute by minute. I love this future. I love this present. I’m very happy here. But I have to do as the song suggests and...

“Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder,
Dontcha know
The hardest part is over,
Let it end
Let your clarity define you in the end
We will only just remember how it feels


All lives are made in these small hours,
These little wonders,
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away, but these small hours
These small hours still remain


Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Till you feel it all around you
I don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by
It’s the heart that really matters
In the end

All of my regret will wash away somehow,
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now

In these small hours these little wonders,
These twists and turns of fate..."

-Rob Thomas (if he's the one who wrote it)

I can't go back and I don't really want to. I can't stay here, and I don't really want to. I want to go where I'm going.

Officially Happy

I'm amazed at the way things just "work out." I never know what will happen from one day to the next, but I kind of like it that way! Having a schedule was boring me to death. At the same time, having no schedule is mildly terrifying...

I was wondering how I'd get to see the different people I wanted to see before I leave. I wanted to see my friend Julia, but she lives half an hour away, and I wasn't sure when I'd get to go over. But then, yesterday she called me saying that she was going to be on my side of town and wondered if she could come by.

It was a perfect time for me, and helped me get focused enough to get my Friday housework done. So her mom dropped her off and we spent several hours just chatting, encouraging each other in the Lord, and then doing this at lunch time:

(Those are duck bills made out of Pringles, in case you've never had the pleasure of playing in your food before.)

So, it's official. I've been eager about Ukraine, excited to a certain extent, and somewhat anxious at times, but now it's gone beyond that...I'm downright happy! I know this because my stomach thinks it's on holiday and doesn't want to digest my food anymore. We passed a Mexican bakery yesterday and saw an advertisement for an international phone card, and my insides somersaulted! Just hearing an airplane go over can send me into a sort of ecstatic joy. And getting books to read with my little people...

Last night I went with Grammie, Mom, and Mattie to dinner and then Barnes & Nobles in Tyler. I bought books. I tried to drink a green tea latte (which I'd never had before) and almost died. I don't know if it was that my stomach was already in the preliminaries of rebellion or that the warm, foamy, vivid pea green drink looked and tasted like heated pond scum, or both...I'm thinking I'll stick with Starbucks' coffee next time and save my adventuresome tastbuds for some time when I'm not so...happy.

It seems no fair that the happier I get, the worse my gut hurts, but oh well...at least nothing is coming back up, you know?

There has been so much waiting, boredom, and difficulty along this journey, but right now I think the word Mom gave me from Isaiah 55:12 is coming true.

"You will go out in joy,

And be led forth in peace

The mountains and hills will break forth in shouts of joy before you

And all the trees of the fields will clap their hands..."

When I first read that verse, I thought the "trees clapping their hands" was a picture of trees clapping to music, but a few days ago I was thinking on it, and the picture God gave me was of me running a race, and the trees on either side applauding joyously as I crossed a finish line. It was as if they were yelling "You did it, Cassie! You made it! Hurray!" Like a cloud of witnesses.

And it's not just me "doing it," but God carrying me through, it's my family standing by me, the friends who have been praying, the people who have given their resources. Ukraine isn't a final destination by any means, but it is a goal to be celebrated!

A few weeks ago it was hard to believe I could come out of what I saw as huge, depressing messes. Now, although I still have a bundle of question marks and plenty of ache at times, I'm finding this verse true. I have so much peace, so much joy...so much delight in the smallest details of this adventure God has brought me into. It's clear that He does have good plans, exciting plans, even FUN plans for His children. Maybe not on our timing...but then that's a gift in itself!

If I'd had my way I would have left months ago, but I would have missed so much God had for me here. I'm so glad for what has been, what is, and what will be. Because of the storms I've been going through here, I have the assurance I need that He'll sustain me in Ukraine.

So..I'm going to go watch Monk with my family, and maybe finish rolling my winter shirts :)

Last night I dreamed that I was shopping at Walmart and a tornado was coming, so they made the customers get in a swimming pool outdoors for safety, where we watched dark clouds roll in and waited for funnel clouds to appear. Instead, a white flying saucer catapaulted out of the sky and crash landed on a hotel nearby, causing a fire and lots of black smoke billows. Then it started pouring rain, and Mom and Dad found me at Walmart, but then ran off to check on the spaceship. Finally the storm passed and we got to go, and as we drove home, Mom said, "Let's go home and watch Monk."

Ahhh. Now you know what we do at the end of a long day.

A Surprising Surprise

Last night someone gave me a beautiful gift. It was a big surprise, and came in a surprising way.

As you know if you read the last post, I wasn't feeling up to snuff yesterday, and that carried on through supper time. So when Mattie mentioned going to a party at the Johnson's house, I decided to stay home instead of zoning out in public. So Dad took Mattie, I stayed here "zoning out" with the rest of my family.

Connor and I watched a Monk show, and when it was over at about nine I was feeling much better and thought I'd just go on to bed while I was ahead, you know...and then the phone rang. It was Dad, saying I should come to the Johnson's anyway, because Mrs. Johnson's mom had a gift for me!

Obviously I was pretty curious...I'd never met this lady before, but Rebekah had told me all about her and she sounded like an amazing grandmother for doing stuff with her grandkids.

So Connor drove me over there (another great excuse to use his new car!) and I just thought how funny God is to spontaneously rearrange our lives all the time, to change my plans, to tip my world upside down when I get too fuddy duddy. I like it.

At the Johnson's the warm tidal wave of crazy love, hospitality, and welcomeness hit me at the door in the form of hugs, greetings, and something like war whoops! I love the love in their house. After getting lots of hugs, and greeting people and meeting Rebekah's Mimi and cousin Lexie, they gathered around to give me the present.

Mrs. ----- (I don't even know her last name yet) talked to me a moment, and then said, "Sit down, and we'll have a party." She then sat indian style on the carpet, and I sat opposite her, and the girls gathered 'round. Jojo even overcame his shyness enough to sit in my lap. I felt totally surrounded by love! Then I pulled out the red tissue paper and unwrapped this beautiful teacup:

The thing is, this isn't just a random teacup. Mrs. Johnson's mom painted it herself! She has been reading my blog, and she read the post I wrote back in February about a teacup I got in Jefferson, and decided to paint one for me! The picture isn't the best quality, so it's hard to see the detailed blue forget-me-nots that look like they are in a real field, and the silver trim. It's so delightful!

I was so blessed that someone I had never even met before would take that kind of time to make a beautiful present for me!

We spent a while afterwards visiting, and I was thankful I got to come after all. I had time to rest and also some time to be with my dear friends and meet some new ones.

What Pollyanna has to say to all of us...

This is an article called "Sincerely, Pollyanna", by somebody named Elisabeth Adams. When I read it, I thought, "exactly!" Possibly, I'm not a pessimist like I thought I was. Maybe I've grown up a Pollyanna and just now become acquainted with pain...

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001770.cfm

Downloading the Inevitable

"She gets kidnapped. He gets killed.
But it all ends up okay."

This quote from the back of the Princess Bride dvd case made me laugh. Connor showed it to me a few minutes ago. It's good to face the impossible :)

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This morning I'm trying to enter the wonderful world of Skype. I have watched the boxes of the two shiny Webcams Gracie gave me for my birthday for a couple of months now, admittedly with some shame and dread. They lurk in the closet and ogle me with mild, silent taunts Technology! I want to run screaming in the opposite direction

But I'm also very glad to have the cute little eyeballs (they remind me of Mike Wyzowski from Monsters, Inc. The benefits of having them with most certainly outweigh the pains of installing them. And people say it's so easy, though I have my doubts. But. I have taken the first step. I have opened the box. Compared with other box-opening experiences I've had, it was pretty painless. The little eyeball is as adorable out of the box as the pictures show.

So now I have to dive in and try to download the inevitable. Heaven have mercy.

(Not) A Red Letter Day

Hmm...I got on here not knowing what I will write about, so there's no telling what will come out...

It would be embarressing to report what time I had breakfast today, so I guess I won't. hmm. The Jackson girls were over spending the night with Mattie, and they asked me to swim with them at our cousins above ground pool next door. That was before I had had breakfast.

After I ate breakfast, I donned my swimsuit and went up there. The girls were horsing around with Jane an Mary and having a lot of fun. As soon as I came within view, a great cheer arose on my behalf. You would have thought I was a celebrity! I was a little startled at all the to-do. All the girls are so sweet.

Ethan was in his normal stance perched on top of the ladder in a life jacket, just like last year. Just like last year, it took some sweet talking to get him to actually enter the pool, and that was still in the life jacket, clinging to me like a baby monkey.

But he did warm up to the water some, and by the end of the swim time he had let me peel off the jacket and done some kicking and ladder climbing. And also laid on top of me while I laid in the inflatable boat, trying to keep warm. (It was very stifling and muggy today, but the water was cold, and it was overcast some of the time.)

After a lot of laying around and a few games (it's not actually very easy to swim in a three and a half foot pool) I decided to take E home, because he was turning blue, and I was definitely ready to go myself. I got home and saw that we'd been out there for nearly two hours! I had thought I'd only stay about 30 or 45 minutes...

Ethan and I were ravenous, so I got us some cheese and crackers and an apple. Well, I got cheese for his crackers. Fishing around in the fridge for whatever looked tasty, I settled on dill pickle for some of mine, and seedless blackberry jam for others. Then I made a list of All the Little Things That Were Nagging Me and set about doing them in between crackers.

I washed my hair, started laundry, sent an email, made a phone call, clipped my nails, dusted the living room (a leftover chore from Friday), and finally got to the hemming jobs Grammie gave me this past week. It was a little scary figuring out the new sewing machine, but it's a good machine, and we're getting to know each other. As I get used to it, I think my seams will get neater and smoother. It was supper time when I finished the sewing, but I got it done.

If life doesn't sound very exciting today, well, it's not. No thunder or lightning or flying aardvarks. I think we're having Blue Bell ice cream later on...but that doesn't quite make the charts I guess. The word "serenity" comes to mind as I sit here...when I look at my life (aside from internal emotional difficulties that wax and wane) it does look serene and peaceful. And kind of boring. No adventures.

I think when it comes down to it, I need the serenity to accept the serene-ness of my life. Maybe it wasn't a red letter day, but Jesus himself is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He's also the one who "makes all things new" and can (and will) change everything in the "blink of an eye." He can surprise me with joy at any time, night or day. Someday He will come back and surprise us all face to face.

I guess the virgins in the parable weren't getting a lot of thrills out of sitting around watching their oil lamps, but they derived joy from anticipating the arrival of the Bridegroom. So I guess I just want to keep being faithful...

Berrypicking and Being Beastly

Well, it seems that all I post about is being tired and cranky, and I don't like the idea of people getting that idea of me, but there's no sense in pretending. I am tired and cranky. At least I feel that way.

I felt rotten all day. I took an 11 o'clock nap in which I lay crumpled in my bed listening to music and whimpering miserably to the Lord about how I didn't want to complain. Even Laila rejected me.

After that I got up and tried to be an asset to society, i.e., help make lunch since Mom was really busy today with cooking. My main work was survival, and refraining from saying irrational mean things to perfectly innocent people. It was miserable, I tell you.

I think after lunch it got better. Mattie and the cousins and I read together outside and nearly finished The Girl of the Limberlost. Mary and Ethan (8 and 5) even joined us, and not only shared snacks, but sat for two hours while I read aloud. Now that's what I call attention span!
It's fun having our little club.

Tonight we went to our grandparents next door to have the supper Grammie made us, which was a delicious one. We visited and watched two baby cardinals fall out of their nest under the jasmine arbor. They looked too little to fly. They were just teeny tufts of down with a big frowny beak fixed on one end.

When the parents came around, they hopped and squeaked and opened up for worms. Frantically hopping here and there, the mother and father seemed to be leading them to a thicket on the edge of the yard, quite a distance away. They spent all evening hopping toward it. I hope they got there in the end.

What a precarious thing it's got to be to watch your babies throw themselves out of the nest on their teeny stubs of legs and hop around, just pathetic little fluffballs, knowing there's nothing in the world you can do to keep them from being eaten alive!! Helps me have more understanding for my Mom :)

It's finally acting like summer. Not that I was hurrying it, mind you! But tonight there was the familiar syrupy sweetness hanging in the air, the crickets singing from lush woods, the wildflowers still blooming in a blast of color along our road.

Flic was over on Sunday and we walked along, picking coral Paint Brushes, tiny purple flowers, big yellow ones, and the russet red ones with yellow on their tips, with the fuzzy center that Flic said reminded her of a caterpillar. I don't know all thier names.

And then the blackberries have come out. Dad, Mattie, Ethan, and I picked for hours on Friday, and then again on Monday, wandering the pasture, sweating and drawing bloodon angry briers, but anticipating the reward of our labors. Dad carefully disciples his little berrypickers along the way, honing our skills.

"You want to pick down low first, and then work up the bush," he says, "So that you don't smoosh the berries around your feet." And then, "Before you move on to the next bush, always look back at it- you'll see more from a different angle." We comb the bushes till the harvest is taken, and then trudge home with heavy jugs nearly full.

Then there is the gratifying moment when you bring in a full milk jug of bleeding berries and set it down in front of Mom, waiting to see what she will say, and she takes the jug, and looks in, and raises her eyebrows, and makes gratifying noises of approval. And then she makes a blackberry cobbler. Now, there's a moment!

I dread summer's heat and humidity and wanting to take multiple showers a day, but there are certain seasonal delights. Berries are among the chiefest.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm so glad they start over :)

Happy Belated Birthday, Gracie!

It's a little late, since her b-day was on the 8th, but we're celebrating it today.

My beautiful friend is a young woman of amazing fortitude and quiet strength, which all comes straight from the God she loves so much. She inspires me and helps me persevere. She is one of those Cloud of Witnesses people that the Lord calls His own, and I can't wait to be in the throne room with her someday!

Love you, Gracie! Thanks for good years...