What a Great Conference!

God is so good to me! This evening I got back from the Christian conference in Chernigiv (about three hours away) with the Gollans and Cheryl. We went this weekend (the Crowes were here, fighting off deadly diseases...well, some sickness.) to the conference, where there were oh, around 100-200 people from churches in the surrounding area, both Ukrainians and "foreigners..." missionaries. Whatever we are :) There was worship and teaching time, but there was a lot of time to just fellowship and hang out, and it was SO GOOD to be encouraged and built up and to feel like I could do that for others some as well. It was so timely, after rain and overcast for nearly two weeks straight and time I hid out in my room being blue (I didn't realize I was so down!)

My only regret about the conference is that I wasted so much of last week fretting about going :) I was just so uncertain about what to expect and dreaded the mental strain of meeting so many new people and trying to adjust to yet another place...

But the people were nothing but blessing to me. Rodge asked if I met any nice people, and after thinking about it, I said, "Yeah, I didn't meet any not-nice people!" And the place was peaceful. The conference wasn't a fancy affair...it was held in a neat camp where there were small houses with bunks, a meeting hall, and a cafeteria. It was all old and in need of paint, but it was in the forest with tall pines all around. We weren't in a tent, but I guess the pine trees and the brisk chill reminded me of camping in Arkansas, where my family is this weekend...

The conference was nice because it was more scheduled than everyday life as I've known it thus far in Ukraine (breakfast at 8, service at 9:30, lunch at 1, etc. That was relaxing, not having to wonder what what to do next for a little while.) It was also more laid back than other conferences I've been to, and I didn't ever feel pressured or rushed. On Saturday there was just a lot of time to hang out, play games, (or watch the soccer match), or get off alone, or visit, or just go back to bed.

Anyhow. Here's the camp...It was cold, but Cheryl took care of us. She brought a heater for the room. I had a sleeping bag, long johns, warm pants, two pairs of thick socks, a shirt and two jackets, and scarf on...so I was cozy :) That was the first night, and last night was warmer. It's going to be a long winter, that's all I have to say. In a way I'm excited about my first real winter. But it's also going to be a big pain where clothing is concerned. Half of my day will be spent dressing and undressing. And notice in this picture...the sun shining...shining...shining...ahhhhh. The weather was so gorgeous on Saturday.

These are some of the gals from Rzhishchiv. I see them once or twice a week, at church or hanging out at the Gollan's. From left to right: Sveta, Tanya, Lena, and Larisa. They're great. They've really been kind to me. Friday was Tanya's birthday, so she had cake in her room for us. It was right next to the one I was in with Cheryl, her friend Nagdala (I hope I didn't butcher the spelling of her name...I liked it so much), and three Ukrainian girls I hadn't met before.

I don't think I've ever had so many cookies and chocolates on any given weekend in my life. I guess when you're cold you have to keep going somehow. I liked the food there, but it seems like I can always eat more. With all the bread and cookies I feel like I'm turning into the Pillsbury Dough Girl. Just storing up for winter, right?

The next one is me with a new friend, Oksana. (I'm not sure how her name is spelled, in Russian or in English)

She is just the sweetest lady ever. I don't know what other word suits her better. She gave me so many hugs, and Lord knows I needed them. She even called me Cassichka...("ichka" being a suffix of endearment, as I understand it.) And her "little sister." She's actually from Moldova, (which borders Ukraine).

When I look at some people, I automatically think he or she probably speaks English. I don't know how I come up with that assumption, but it happens. Well, I thought she spoke English, but she didn't. At least, she spoke about as much English (or a little more than) as I spoke Russian. But we both really wanted to talk to each other, so we ended up getting people to translate for us at different times. After that, I wondered if she spoke Moldovan (or if there was even such a language?). I just figured that, living in Moldova, Modolvan would be her mother tongue. But I got another surprise. She shook her head and said she doesn't really even speak Moldovan...that she grew up speaking Russian because of the Soviet Union, and that Modolvan, which is really just a dialect of Romanian anyway, has been considered sort of a hillbilly language, I guess. I will never stop getting surprised. I have so much to learn, and it both excites me and frustrates me.

There was a talent show at the end of last night's session where people danced and sang and told jokes...it was wonderful! Everyone was clapping, singing along, roaring with laughter...poking playful fun at the groups from different churches. They were all having a great time, and I was enjoying it too, but I felt frustrated that I couldn't understand the things that everyone thought so hilarious, even with some kind translation. I have mountains and valleys and rivers and deserts and fjords and oceans and lakes and steppes and plains and prairies and tundras and jungles and artic wastes to cross before I will be able to be "normal" in this language. And it doesn't seem like I'll be able to get very far while I'm here. But I'll keep trying.

Even in the middle of the frustration, it dawned on me that it's such a huge privilege just being here, even just listening to people rattle on in a different language. I've always wanted this, and here I am. So what can I really say but thank you to the Lord?? It's pretty amazing. We had a song in Kyrgyz, and even a song in Maori, (sung by a Ukrainian girl with a gorgeous voice, who was taught it by New Zealanders...) I love diversity. Love it love it love it. It's so confusing, overwhelming, humbling...but, in the end...beautiful.

God was so kind to lift my head during the conference. It really was so restful. Minutes before I left, I was standing on the stairs practically wringing my hands (probably twisting my hair) trying to explain to Bruce and Deb why I was so upset. Bruce was trying to get to the root of my ungrounded fears, but it wasn't working. So 2 o'clock came and I just packed up and left.

But as soon as I was in the van, I felt at peace. During the worship times especially I could just refocus my heart of God and repent of the pride and anxiety and fear that has been weighing me down. I didn't want to leave the Crowe's house, because I thought that I couldn't handle another place right now, and I really do like being with them :) but I had no idea how much the change of scene helped.

God spoke to me so many times in little ways through His word and things people said. It's so sweet that even though we can't always understand the language people around us are speaking, God understands, and He makes sure He gets across what He wants to say to us :) I had been meditating on Ps. 23 Saturday morning, and then in the worship service we sang a Russian (or Ukrainian, not sure which) song that was almost literally the 23rd Psalm.

The most special thing was from the book of Ruth in the Bible. Months ago that story was on my heart, and God used it to confirm the I should indeed go to Ukraine at a time when I was wondering if I should really be in college instead. There is one part where Boaz tells Ruth "Stay in this harvest field and do not go from here..." Boaz goes on to care for Ruth, provide work, companions, protection, and satisfying food for her. And he redeems her. I know that story points to Christ as our Redeemer, and I see it as God's promise that He is full of compassion and He will do for me what Boaz did fo rRuth.

I hadn't been thinking much about Ruth lately, but I had a few concerns about the future. And then, while I was having a conversation with Sveta late Friday night on her bunk, she suddenly said, in her gentle way, "Cassie, I saw you holding Noah one day and I thought that you are like Ruth in the Bible." It hit me out of the blue, and those verses came flooding back. And then, what do you think...the speaker talked about the story of Ruth the following night in his session. That's the first time in a long time I've heard anyone preach about the story of Ruth.

The story is very close to my heart, because Ruth was a young woman in a foreign land, and she was in a very low position, but God lifted her up, honored her, and blessed her. It wasn't easy for her to adjust either, I'm sure. I'm sure she felt weak, lost, and lonely pretty often.

I often get frustrated because I feel like a huge bundle of weaknesses. I guess I'm still dealing with the idea that just because you move to a foreign country with noble intent to fulfill the great comission does NOT mean that God suddenly zaps you with super spirituality and takes away the weaknesses and sins you struggled with before. No, no, quite the contrary. Trying to reroot in another country aggravates and magnifies your uglinesses until you feel like one huge spiritual zit that you wish someone would please for heaven's sake pop! At least that's the case for me, and when I confessed these things to Cheryl last night, she agreed.

I still have the mentality that "I'm coming to help" and in my mind there is a line...above the line, I'm helping and being an asset to those around me. Below the line, my messy emotions and sins are a burden and hindrance to those around me. So when I feel myself sinking below the line, I start thinking I should have dealt with those things at home...I'd better hurry and get over it so that I can, you know, be worth while. And I've been in the red quite a lot lately, if you look at it with those eyes.

I'm so glad God doesn't see it with those eyes. And I'm so thankful that I'm surrounded by people here who don't see it with those eyes either. Cheryl just spoke truth to me about God's grace, and how my line idea (I didn't explain it in those words then) was a "big bungy lie." I guess I knew that, but those lies are ravening wolves that lurk and pounce at every turn, and sometimes I need help fighting them off.

It's such a beautiful thing that Jesus shines through our weaknesses while we are working them out together as the Body of Christ. I've already seen this in Sveta as she's shared her weaknesses with me, and it has given me strength. I want to learn not to run and hide and try to fight it out myself. Pride is so ugly.

I told Cheryl that I keep thinking I'm going to be a finished work at some point and she said, "You will...but not in this life!" If I were perfect, there would be no connecting point with humanity. And I wouldn't need God. I'd just be floating off somewhere in space...

So yeah, there's so much more. So much chocolate. So many cookies. So many little cups of chai and kava...So much trying to figure out who is from what country and from what city in Ukraine. I got a compliment...several people thought I was Ukrainian (before they heard me speak, that is) and one Urkainian lady said, "I can always tell when I see people walking by if they are American or not, but I was wrong about you." She said she was confused because she saw my name in the registration papers and knew it wasn't a Ukrainian name, but when she saw me she thought I was Urkainian. Haha :)

Oh, and when I told one guy I was from Texas, he asked, "Where's your Texan accent?" I wonder if my speech has changed any since I've left home..? I know I must be doing better, because when I first got here, these comments made me feel like I was going crazy, like I was a displaced person...but now I think it's heaps of fun ;)

Last note: John Piper and Charles Spurgeon books in Russian...
And we've been singing all these worship songs from Passion, like God of this City and Hosanna...it cheers me up to hear Chris Tomlin music on sometimes.

The Sky is Blue

Here comes the sun...or not...

After four (it has to have been more than that) days of rain with eight more forecasted last I heard, the patches of blue sky and sunshine this morning were a sweet surprise! It made me so excited I started singing a little ditty as I walked briskly up the bepuddled road. It goes like this...

Ever and always, the sky is blue
Ever and always, everlastingly true!
Ever and always, the sky is blue
Ever and always, just like I love you!

Sometimes the clouds come rollin' in
Sometimes the world goes gray
But we know the sun always comes out again
To say...

Ever and always, the sky is blue...

So don't you cry now
Don't let your heart get down
Cause even after all these rainy rainy rainy rainy days
I have found...

Ever and always, the sky is blue
Ever and always, everlastingly true!
Ever and always, the sky is blue
Ever and always, JUST LIKE I LOVE YOU-OO-oo...

It's supremely fun to sing :) All these rainy songs come to mind. Gosh, so many songs have been written about rain. Sometimes I wish I could sing like Norah Jones or Ginny Owens. Relaxed...mellow...sweet...

God's helping me deal with my anxieties. It's so cool! It brings me so much joy and bounce to be freed of those worries. This morning I told Deb about it as I flipped my eggs, and she said something about how thankfulness is the opposite of anxiety. That's very true, but it dawned on me that in this case my anxiety is really just rooted in pride...a fear of looking foolish or being wrong. My anxiety comes from trying to make choices that best help me avoid looking foolish. But if I die to my fear of what people think of me, then I don't have any worries! Excellent! And not worrying is definitely linked to good health...so for now, humble heart=no anxiety=energy and joy!

Last night I got to talk with my family for a long time on Skype/their phone. It was great. It was Dad's birthday, so I called. While I was hidden away upstairs doing that, other excitement was going on downstairs. Our Drama Queen Bronnie burst into the room panting,

"Broderic cut his head and it's bleeding all over the place!!" Since there were plenty of adults downstairs already, I stayed put, but sure enough, Rodge had gashed his head on one of the cabinets in the living room and Bruce had to take him to a nearby town to get a few stitches. This morning when I came in, he looked a little wan, but otherwise fine, with a wad of gauze stuck to his forhead. Of all the things there are in this place for the kids to injure themselves on...gaping holes, balconies, metal bars, beer bottles, nails...I found it ironic that he hit his head on a shelf. There are lots of angels on duty, I think.

This morning we were out of water because the hose got left on outside and the well ran down. Oops. But it's slowly filling back up. We'll just use it sparingly for today till it's back up to normal. So far water supply has been good. We weren't sure how much the well would hold at first, so we were really trying to conserve water, but it seems that we have a decent amount. Since there's not hot water yet it's not like anyone wants to take a long shower or anything :)

Today Uncle Neil and Auntie Noline are leaving :( I've enjoyed them being here, and I'll miss their presence and extra element of fun around the house. It's a shame they're leaving just when I got comfortable being called things like "cheeky beast" and "gunk." I enjoyed getting cooking tips, spontaneous lessons on marriage, and a general idea of how to lay carpet and put doors their hinges :) Oh, and Uncle Neil's hugs. I know they'll miss their grandkids, and their grandkids will miss them.

So I'll be moving back to the Crowes' in the next day or so. I've liked being at the Gollans', and I think it was good timing, but it's going to be nice not to feel so scattered between two houses. I'm getting to feel at home in both homes...but it's still two places that I want to be at once, which, as I remember, is almost a direct definition of "frustration" in the dictionary. But both families (Crowes and Gollans) have really given themselves and their welcomes to me, and I'm very grateful.

It's clouding up again, but it was nice to be reminded that that big round ball they call the sun does indeed continue to exist...I really don't mind the rain :)

"Looks like the sky is cavin' in again
Dry and cracked, the sky goes black,
And tut tut it looks like rain..."

I just thought of that Switchfoot song. My mind is just on the wander...la-la-la-la-la...

Now that the water is coming back, maybe something should be done about the dishes...hmmm...Surely there's something else to write about. I guess not. God is faithful, and I'm so thankful to Him for making my way straight and lighting my path.

Oh, and I'm tired of my labels on this blog...they're too general anyway...so I think I won't use them any more. Goodbye, labels...

Thoughts from a crazed and desperate (but pretty happy) girl

It's raining deliciously outside and I'm curled up in bed under a downy comforter at the Gollan's. As I said in an email earlier, life the past few days has been pretty taxing, but today felt more like an adventure. Not a big earth shaking adventure, just a day of expectancy and the sense that I don't know what will happen next, but it's going to be ok.

I honestly thought I was flexible until I came here. And then I realized I totally had myself fooled. Time has a way of slipping along here so that you can easily have only finished breakfast by 9 or 10. Then around 10:30 it's time to fix coffee for the worker(s), and of course coffee sounds so good to everybody else that out come the little orange cups...and the coffee...and tea...and hot chocolate mix...and milk...and sugar...and then you clean it all up again (maybe) And then suddenly it's 12 and nobody's thought about lunch, and the Russian teacher's coming in an hour.

This was the case today, and Deb needed to pick Sveta up and run to the store, so suddenly I was whipping out chicken noodle soup in record time...unplanned...unprecedented...I don't know how to make chicken soup, but I suppose there's not a wrong way. I dumped in so many noodles and potatos and veggies and chicken it ended up being a big pot of mush, but it was so comfortingly warm that no one complained :) As she was rushing out the door, Deb came and hugged me and thanked me, with some comment about the craziness. I said,

"Half the time I love it, and half the time I'm pulling my hair out!" (almost literally) and she laughed and said,

"It's great preparation for motherhood!"

Yeah, it's preparing me for something crazy, that's for sure. I'm slowly learning to plan, but be ready to abandon plans at a moment's notice without looking back. I have a new sympathy for Lot's wife...hey, she just wanted her security. But nope. When God says go, we have to be quick. Do I really need to be right? To be certain? To be safe in my bubble? Gee, would I make a great pillar of salt.

I fight for sanity in a house where nothing has a belonging place because there are no closets and no shelves, besides the kitchen ones. I spend a whole lot of time looking for things, often things that don't belong to me. They usually belong to people under three feet tall who are old enough to use then but not old enough to remember where they left them. I know this isn't easy for Deb, either. You wouldn't believe how giddy she gets over the thought of shelves...unless you were here, that is :)

It takes a lot of energy, thought, and constant attention, not to mention mass quanitities of grub, to simply fuel six active kids. (All boys but one). It strikes me as odd, but probably the greatest satisfaction I find in the little jobs I do throughout the day is in feeding these little men. This morning as I was frying Clark (2 yrs) his second egg, he held up his little red bowl and said, "Man, I love eggs!" We eat eggs by the carton full around here, so all morning this morning it was two eggs and a toast for so and so, another batch for so and so and a tea for so and so...but I find great delight lurking in there somewhere :) I think I'd rather be in the kitchen than anywhere else, though I know that will come as a great surprise to my Mom...

In a lot of ways I'm enjoying this, but it's also really hard. Deb had a great talk with me the other day just helping me know a little more of her perspective on me being here, and that really helped me feel more secure. I'm glad that we had that communication. Although things are good relationally, the bottom line is that I'm in a foreign country with a family that isn't the family I've lived with for nineteen years, and no matter how glad I am to be here, I have a lot to work through. It's comforting to know that nobody can possibly have as many problems with me as I have with myself :)

I'm embarressed at how badly I handle stress. I so want to be this serene, peaceful, joyful, lifegiving, vibrant young woman, but when the least little pressure comes, I want to cave in. I've noticed a pattern, that when I am under pressure (usually an imagined one) or doing something I don't really want to do or know how to do, I instantly feel drained and my head starts aching. It's instant. It's in my head, I guess, but it literally affectes my body. So I'm wondering how to combat that. It sounds like something I should have grown out of when I was 8. ("I can't clean the dishes, I have a tummy ache!") Yeah. I keep thinking of that verse in Romans 8 that says "He will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit which dwells in you..." So I guess I have to stand on that and keep pressing forward.

I'm thankful for really good sleep. I've been sleeping really well, probably thanks to the cold weather and warm blankets. I do get so exhausted by the end of the day though...around 8 I'm the yawn factory. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of venturing out of the house (or one of my two adopted houses) I guess doubly so because it's cold and raining.

So, I'm really laying it out here, guys. I hope this isn't too complainy...I'm just telling what's going on with me. It's not bad necessarily. I'm confident that God is working and maybe the intensity of that is what's making me so tired out. But you could just pray for continued grace while I'm learning these life lessons. The biggest temptation I have is to fall into thinking "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just get over it? Why am I tired all the time?" and then I start shrinking into a tight little ball of anxiety, and it's downhill from there.

This afternoon I spent with the Gollan kids while Daniel and Priscilla were away. It's fun being around little girls for a change. They're just so different from boys...easier in some ways and harder in others. I haven't painted such little nails or heard such shrill screams in quite a long time...

We watched 101 Dalmations in the cubby the kids had made. It was warm in there, and I almost fell asleep with a bowl of popcorn on my stomach, smelling Ellie's sweet hair shampoo. Mmm. We heated leftovers and the girls made a salad for supper, and I enjoyed sitting down to a meal together, having conversation...it's fun to talk with kids. Jess explained that he likes to argue for fun and that he wants to be president someday. Marie said she doesn't want to give up her last name when she gets married because she's proud of her family name. Angel informed me that she doesn't like meat, and ate her spaghetti with ketchup instead. Ellie didn't say much, except that she needed a glass of water, which she gulped down to assuage the trauma of eating vegetables.

So tomorrow is a new day, and I'll probably go early to market in the rain. Don't know yet if I'll be walking or riding. It's supposed to rain for the next week, I think. It's sort of inconvenient, but other than that I love it.

I bid you all da svydanya...

Busy-ish Days

Good gracious sakes...life is a cheeky beast. The past few days have been so full...I'm not sure how they got that way, but they did.

It's been chilly and rainy probably since I wrote last, and I've had countless cups of tea and coffee. I pretty much alternate, with a slight favor toward coffee...

I've been staying at the Gollans but coming up to the Crowes usually sometime before noon and going back around 9 at night. The school schedule is on hold at the moment since grandparents are here and Uncle Neil and Deb are working on the house. Bruce was in Odesa yesterday wrestling with officials for the container. Auntie Noline has been in the kitchen a lot, and I've been floating 'tween decks doing little jobs here and there: frying eggs, painting stain on the railing, serving coffee to workers, practicing Russian, helping cut carpet, making apple pie, sponging blue paint on the boys' closet floor, helping with supper, wandering around, fetching things, making tea, washing dishes, searching for lost hammers, and trying to figure out the Crowe/Rhodes sense of humor. :)

We get to the end of the day and think "What have we done today?" and the answer is, lots of things...we're just never sure what they are :) Actually, thanks to Uncle Neil, carpets are getting laid, shelves are getting built, and little touches are being added to make this house seem more homey, like toilet paper holders and bathroom mirrors.

Tuesday was quite a day. The Autumny weather suggested apple pie, and the morning was calm, so I decided to go for it. Only, there weren't any apples that I could find. But we have apple trees outside, and one of them was full of rosy round, fairytale-worthy apples. So I went out in a giant dark red rain coat, and, after shaking rain all over myself while attempting to knock down the apples, I looked around for something to knock them out with. I live on a construction sight, so it wasn't hard to find a hefty metal bar, which I was soon wielding skillfully, poking apples out of the tree and stashing them in a plastic bag. One worker emerged from the basement...and laughed at me...and then offered a lighter rod for the operation. That helped, and after chasing down a couple apples that decided to roll down the driveway, I was pretty well set.

The apple pie was an all-day affair, since we didn't have butter or pie plates to start with either, but thanks to Priscilla's pie plate loan, and butter from the Kiev shopping crew, we finally had pie by bedtime :) Yum. It made me think of my dear brother Connor...

On Tuesday we also had our first Russian lesson! That is such a big answer to prayer...I've been going nowhere fast with my language learning. Svetlana is teaching us; not Sveta my friend I originally wrote about or the Sveta who was in Kiev the day I went with Cheryl, but Svetlana, as in Altu and Sveta who we had over to dinner. I'll call her Svetlana so that there's less mix up. She's really sweet (Altu calls her "Sweetlana" and also very thorough with the lessons. She took it slowly and made sure we really knew how to pronounce the words, and didn't let us off easy. I think she's going to be a really good teacher. I'm not sure yet what the lesson schedule is, but she's going to be here again today.

Maybe I'll write more later,,,Russian lessons soon, and then I'm heading back to the Gollans at 2 to be with the kids. So, adios.

A Trip to Kiev

Wow! What a day! I am utterly exhausted, but I'm so glad I got to go to Kiev. I spent the day with Cheryl, catching a Marshrutka (or however you spell/say it) to Kiev at 7:15. It sped to Kiev in record time and we stopped at Jon and Ruth's so Cheryl could do something concerning her broken computer, and they fed us breakfast.

After that we spent the afternoon running from place to place, making the most of the day. We went through the radio bazaar, a patch of narrow walkways through booths where they sold all manner of computer parts and electronics, and with help, Cheryl was able to get a phone and the new battery pack for her computer. I got lessons on how to ride and navigate the metro.

Cheryl is a natural teacher, I think, and I learned a lot from her. We walked all over the place and rode a bus or two, went to two grocery stores, and Epicenter, the gargantuan Home Depot of Ukraine, which looked and smelled so "normal" that I almost got homesick.

Along in the afternoon, when we got to the big grocery store which is sort like Sam's club, we stopped at a restaurant called Pasatahata. It was a small cafeteria-like place, and ended up with borsht, eggplant, and liver :) What a combination! But I loved it, actually. I didn't realize it was liver until Cheryl mentioned it...but it wasn't too strong, and I was plenty hungry from all that walking, so I relished every bite.

It was chilly and overcast all day, (around 50 F) and when we came out of Metro (the Sam's Club place) it was raining. Jono was in Kiev too, with his van, and he and Jon and Ruth had come shopping, as well as a girl named Sveta (a different Sveta) and Natasha from Rzhishchiv. All this stuff piled in the back...We jumped in the van (it would be impossible to take that stuff on the metro and marshrutka) and I was stabbed with a keen sense of delight at being bundled up in a car on a rainy, chilly afternoon...I've always loved that at home, and it gave me the same thrill here.

So, as happens pretty often around here, plans changed (or were there actually plans to begin with?) and instead of riding back with Jono and Cheryl, since they were going to be pretty late bacause of somewhere Jono had to go on the way back to Rzhishchiv, I took a Marshrutka back to Rz. around 7 with Jon and Sveta (Ruth stayed in Kiev.) It was raining and got dark while we were on the bus, and I sat kind of dazed on the bus, tired but happy and thinking back over the hazy activities of the day.

I think God really gave me grace through Cheryl today. She let me yak and be anxious and just listened...and then offered a little kind, practical advice. I got dizzy while on the metro and realized I've been a little weak and haven't been eating a lot of protein...it's so easy to just fill up on bread and sweet stuff here. And I also have been scraping by with a lot less sleep than usual. She reminded me that taking care of my body physically really can affect my attitudes and all that. I've been so anxious and worn out, and my jaw was really bad today, which in turn affects my head, neck, and eyes...I won't go into more detail, but it did dawn on me that I do have to pay attention to what my body needs. I'm not superwoman.

With that said, I think I'll go to bed. Thank God for a good day. He's doing so much with me, and sometimes I feel like it's selfish adn that it isn't affecting people around me for good. I'm just a mess. But He says that even those weaker parts of the body are valuble, so I'm trusting that word. Thanks for the encouragment...

Anxiety Problems (Even the word "anxiety" itself looks stressed!)

Oh, how sweet is a quiet room.

My head hurts pretty bad right now and I'm just weak. The past week has worn me out, more mentally than anything. I'm trying to figure too many things out. They're the basic questions, like, "God, what do you want from me?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "How can I please You and the people around me?" It's been giving me a headache and some TMJ problems. But I guess today I realized that it might get worse before it gets better, and if I'm a hair twisting, indecisive, anxious mess for a while as I learn to trust my Savior, it's ok. I'll just have to be a mess right now. If I make myself sick from worrying, God is faithful enough to sustain me until I learn to trust Him. I am learning, it's just slow.

Since I'm staying with the Gollans, I'm going back and forth between their house and the Crowe's a lot. It's pretty convenient, because it's just a short walk, and I really enjoy being at the Gollans. However, it does present extra decisions to make, and I get anxious about deciding when I should go and stay, what I should do at the Crowes, etc. I get anxious deciding when I'm going to take a shower, when and where to eat, whether to check email or what I should do about the conference coming up, all sorts of little things. For so long, I've had my family to hide behind-- I always hung on my Mama's apron strings, and liked it! Now I'm shoved into deciding for myself a lot of the little everyday things that I took for granted at home, going places, making phone calls, buying stuff, etc. Yeah, I dithered a lot at home, too, but I dither a lot more here. I'm most comfortable alone in my room, and anything beyond that takes careful thought. Most of which can only be produced by consistent hair twisting. And when they say I can't twist my hair anymore...

The other day it was supper time, the food was ready, and I was starving to death. I'm used to my family, where when Mom has dinner ready, we all better be there to eat it, or else! At the Crowes' it's a little different, and sometimes the kids straggle in. I kept thinking I needed to wait till we all settled down to eat, but I my tummy was knawing my backbone, and I was getting antsy. So finally I guess I asked if it was ok to get some food or if we were going to all eat together...and Deb said with her usual cheerful grin, "Do whatever the heck you want!" That caught me off guard a little :) but that seems to be the general idea...that I should go ahead and act like a mostly autonomous adult, whether I feel like it or not. It's nice to have that freedom, I'm just being a big baby. I get so anxious about pleasing everyone around me and not wanting to be selfish...but at the same time being relatively satisfied...that I think I'll go crazy. So whatever the heck I want is just to be sane, at this point.

I know God is pinpointing this in my life because it's been an issue with me for so long. I'm excited that all this turmoil must mean good things are happening and that He's helping me grow up a little, and at the same time, grow more dependent on Him. I'm not growing into an independent, strong young woman, but rather a very helpless young woman who has God's creative, decisive, unchanging and always certain power :) I don't like being weak and silly, more than anything I just want Him to be gloryfied.

Last night I rode a bike for the first time in several years. Cheryl was going down to Masha's for the prayer meeting on her bike, so I borrowed a bike from the Gollans and went with her. I haven't had a bike since I was probably thirteen, and this one was on the large side for me, but we got along pretty well. I had trouble mounting my (somewhat) faithful steed a few times, but over all, it was a blast riding. We flew down the Big Hill, almost hit some cats, and then rode through the Center of town. I got quite out of breath trying to climb the long hill towards Masha's. All those gentle slopes are not so gentle anymore when you're on a bike. Especially if you're really out of shape! I loved getting some good exercise that had a point :) But my bum is way bruised.

Tomorrow I'm going to Kiev for the day with Cheryl. She has errands to run and I'm coming along. (Yay for me, I made a decision!) We'll ride the Marshruka (or however you pronounce the busline) in and then get a ride home.

Tonight a sad thing happened in the kitchen. We lost James. He was a colleague or Godfrey's-- they were the little salt and pepper shakers shaped like Italian restaurant waiters. Godfrey is short and fat and James (was) tall and thin. We named them a few days ago, and since then, have said whenever we needed one of those delightful seasonings, "Pass some James please," or, "Salt it up, Godfrey." Sadly, James came to an untimely demise at the cruel hands of our cold tile floor earlier this evening. Godfrey, however, contiunes to smile jovially from beneath his coal black mustache.

Some of the girls have come to hang out in the other room as they often do on Friday nights (here at the Gollans) so I think I'll go join them, as long as brain cells hold out...

Cassie Gets Sassy

Life has become livelier since Deb's parents arrived. Her dad is working on the house with Bruce, and her mom is doing things that grandmoms do...cuddling grandchildren during movies, delivering treats, cleaning up, etc. etc. I'm getting to know Uncle Neil and Auntie Noline, as I guess I'll be calling them, since that's how it goes around here.

Uncle Neil and I are getting along swimmingly. He called me a cheeky beast, and I suppose that's what I'm getting to be, under his provocation. It all started yesterday when he announced to the household that girls are only good for two things: Cleaning up and making food. On hearing that edifying comment, all the females, thus degraded and demeaned, sat down to play cards and did not clean up OR make food, even though it was ooching on toward supper time.

Then, when we did go to the kitchen to make curry, who showed up to interfere with the "girls' work" but Uncle Neil, showing us how to cook the chicken. Since he and Deb wanted it two different ways, I sort of did my own thing, which he dubbed "rebellion" or "the R word." THEN he started in on my hair twisting habit, which has worsened as I grow more and more uncertain about what to do when. Whenever I'm trying to make a decision, I twist my hair. And he insisted that I stop. Every couple of minutes he insisted, until I was forced to go into hiding just so I could THINK straight. They all ganged up on me (at least Deb joined in) and now they're on a campaign.

Well, I think, (not that they care what I think) that I'm entitled. It's not their hair. And if the Count of Monte Cristo can do it, then I jolly well can too! Sass, rebellion, and cheek! Straight on my way to becoming a cheeky beast.

I was a little uncertain about the relationship until Uncle Neil handed me a red utility knife this evening and set me to work on the carpet. I told him maybe he shouldn't be giving me a utility knife after all those provoking things he had said to me, but apparently he trusted me. We got along well, although every time I stopped to think (and twist) he rebuked me as if I were a naughty puppy. I've never been fond of being treated like a dog, but I'm getting used to it. I can still twist when his back is turned. I think I might be getting a little sassy.

We made some progress on the carpet, but there's still a ways to go. Since Bruce and Deb had already cut the carpet and padding, and we worked on trimming and setting it, and then Deb came over and we glued the seam. I got to learn how to strike a line on the carpet with a chalk coated string so we could cut a straighter edge. It's a very engaging activity for perfectionists. Thankfully I'm not too perfectionist, so it was just engaging enough to be fun.

We've stopped now, and Auntie Noline showed me how to make rice pudding. It's just out of the oven and we're drowning it in cream and marmalade. It feels like a Christmas holiday. Quite different from last night when I woke up at 3:30 thinking distressing thoughts and couldn't go back to sleep. Just when I think I've adjusted here, life kinks like a writhing water hose. And just when I think things are getting bad, new, undeserved joys get dumped in my lap.

I think I'm on an I've-had-more-caffeine-and-carpet-glue-and-less-sleep-than-usual high right now and need to break this cycle so I can get some rest...

Oh, check out the shirt I got at the Perpetual Ukrainian Yardsale this morning! (Featured in new profile picture) It's got my birth year on it AND it just happens to be my favorite color...a safe, comfortable, cozy, wintery dark gray...how could I resist, even if it does have a slight hippy flair with the tye dye there. Hehe.

So English is a Tonal Language?

Huh? Yeah, that's what I said too. I think I'm more fascinated with the way Ukrainians speak English than with the Ukrainian language itself. Maybe since so many people speak English here, I could just learn the Urkainian accent, and that would work, hey?

On Saturday night, at Ruth's birthday party (not the cliff one, the other one we went to), I have a conversation with a few of the Ukrainian girls about languages.

"So we hear you can speak several languages?" One of them asks. My eyebrows lift.

"Ummm, well...English, and, uh...English!" I say. (I took Spanish in highschool like everybody else, but I can't really speak it, unfortunately).

"Well, somebody said you learned Chinese or something..." Hmm. I ponder that a moment.

"Well, I did go to Hong Kong for five weeks," I reply, "But I didn't learn any Chinese-- it's a tonal language. The words hae different meaning depending on the tone you say them in. I was afraid I would say the wrong thing!"

"But English is like a tonal language, too," she says.

"Huh?"

"It's a tonal language. You have "ship" on the water and then "ship," the animal."

"No, no. Those are two different words," I tell her. "They sound close, but they're two different words. "Ship" and "ShEEp." And they're spelled different."

"Ship, Ship. Same word." Then Tanya chimes in.

"Then you have "bed" and "bed"-- you sleep in a bed, and then bed like...(she contorts her tongue and made a nasty face.)"

"But that's "bed" and "Baaaad!"" I protest."

"Bed, bed, whatever!" Tanya rolls her eyes in helpless semi-disgust.

My sense of linguistic heritage is sagging limply floorward. But I see what she means. If you grow up on the Slavic alphabet, English is pretty much a tonal language!

A Cliff Birthday

I'm tucked away in a lamplit room at the Gollans with the windows open, listening to the muffled toss and howl of the wind tonight. I like it immensely.

Deb's parents arrived this evening for a three week visit, so I'm relocating to the Gollans for that time. It's just right down the hill, and I'll be at the Crowes a lot still, but I'll be spending nights here. Priscilla welcomed me in and showed me "my room" for now, complete with tiny Twix candy bar on the bath towel and, you guessed it! A hot shower!

Their well here is small, so they can't take long showers, but even three minutes in a REAL shower is huge to me right now! I didn't realize and didn't want to admit how nice it is to take a shower the normal way. It's odd what happens to your body when you take a normal shower after nearly six weeks of "abnormal" showers. Your skin rubs off. Your hair falls out. You begin to feel...oh, what's the word? Clean. Yeah, clean. It's nice.

Oh, and did I mention the mirror and the cupboard? I can put all my clothes on shelves, and I get to put make up on in the morning! Being at the Crowe's unfinished house hasn't been what I'd call roughing it, but I just realized there are some special little things that it's easy to take for granted. It's not like I "deserve" a break or ought to expect any certain thing...but it sure is nice.

Aside from the small comforts...ok, big comforts! I'm glad about spending this time at the Gollan's. I enjoy their family so much, and their love for the Lord and for people is just...appealing, I guess. It feels very home-like.

I got a teensy bit homesick yesterday when Shane, Mark, and Jackie, three of the people who have been here for the summer, left to go back home...or wherever they're going...Watching all the goodbying and hugging and slapping on the back kind of kind of gave me that weird 1 Thessalonians feeling when I thought of the goodbyes I've said in the past few months...it hit a sensitive spot for me.

But after a good think on the matter, and a Skype phone call to my family, I felt much better, and my constant underlying sense of things is that I'm SO GLAD I'm here. I really love it here, and I'm not focused on the day I'll go home. Each day holds new life, and I truly feel this freedom here to grow and become who God wants me to be, like a flowering vine when you give it a trellis.

Today we went on a picnic with the Gollans, Jono, and Cheryl. It was in honor of Marie's birthday (she was turning 11 I think.) They set up a tent next to a grassy "cliff" overlooking the river and we sat on blankets and had ice cream and cake and lunch.

It was an amazing view. On the way there, Brent asked, "So is this a cliff birthday?" :) This is Clark and Angel...

Here are Bronwyn, Marie the Birthday girl, and Rodgy making silly faces while devouring their cake...Cheryl's to the side there, taking pictures of something else. Cheryl put together some games, including two relays that we did in a nearby grove of trees (I love those trees...I don't know what they are, though. Maybe birches?)

I joined in this relay...Marie and I had to carry a balloon between us, racing against the boys. I don't know who won, but fun was the point, and I think the goal was accomplished!For the last game, four of the kids had to "dig for worms" in a bowl full of jello topped cookie crumbs. The worms were gummy worms, of course, although Cheryl left it a mystery. This was harder than it sounds, however: they couldn't use their hands! Competitive Jesse came out the winner, but Rodge did well too...Great fun. The kids hiked down the steep slope and went swimming in the shallow area of the river, while some of us stayed behind in the shade. (It was in the 80's or close to 90 today and the sun was intense.)

Deb took Clark down, and grabbed something along the way (we don't know if it was a wasp or some kind of plant or what) that stung her badly. Combined with the steep climb back uphill, the heat, and the throbbing, she thought she might faint...and she had to drive us home in the standard, because I can't drive one. (Bruce was home working). So Cheryl came along and did the shifting, after Deb was feeling a little more steady. We have had so many stings around here!

So it was quite a day. That was all before Bruce and Deb left to get her parents and the kids cleaned house and I made up some soup.

So I'm off to bed now, to a cricket lullaby...

Visiting Ira, Attending a Birthday Party, and Getting Hugs from Doah

Well, I did it! I took some chocolate chip cookies to Ira's house next door! I don't know why I was so nervous, but, well...I guess I had good reasons. Anyhow, Deb reminded me that perfect love casts out fear, and that can also mean that our love for people casts out the fears we have of them.


She was tending the garden when I walked over, plate in hand. I called to her, and came and gave the cookies to her, and immediately she said, "Do you want to come and have some tea?" I didn't do the Ukrainian thing and demure (is that the word?) but accepted right away. She took me into the rich-warm-brown kitchen and motioned to a seat while she started clearing dishes and bread from the table.


"On Saturday we clean the house," she explained, and then apologized for the mess several times. Not that I've never seen a mess before! I assured her it didn't bother me. Her Mom was vacuuming and Ira herself had been working in the garden, but she completely dropped what she was doing, washed her hands, and made tea for us. And we proceded to visit for the next hour, eating cookies and chocolate and sipping our tea and struggling through sentences with missing words.


She's studying in Kiev to be a doctor, and she can speak some English, which she learned in highschool. She said her English isn't very good because she hasn't used it in a year, I think. It was great compared to my Ukrainian or Russian...or whatever it is...they have a term here for mixed Russian and Ukrainian. Slazhik? I can't remember.


We chatted about chatty things, and she looked up words in her dictionary to help our communication along. I felt bad that she seemed to be embarressed by her English...I didn't want her to feel like I expected her to speak English to me. I would be happy to learn some Russian from her.

We sipped our tea in the sunlight shining throught the lace kitchen curtains. Eventually Ira asked,

"So why are you here? Why are the Crowes here? You leave everything and move to Ukraine. Why?"

It wasn't the easiest question to answer. In fact, I was pretty vague and didn't really answer at all. For one thing, our communication wasn't the best in the first place and we weren't quite understanding each other, and for another, it became evident that she's pretty suspicious of us and what we're doing. She wanted to know if we're starting some kind of religious school...what religion we are...

Well, what religion am I? I told her I'm a Christian, but she wanted to know if I was protestant...I wanted to tell her that religion is really beside the point...I mean, yes, I guess she's right in calling me a missionary, but I'm not into the terminology...I think they are concerned about these weird new neighbors with all the kids and want to pin a label on us so they know what to watch out for. Those religious fanatics...

I had been thinking of the verse in 2 Cor. 4 that says "we do not use deception or distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we are commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God."

So I explained what I could as plainly and truthfully as I could. I don't want to try to hide anything from her, but I also don't want her to put us in a "protestant" box or whatever. There is plenty to value in orthodoxy too, although I'm not familiar with a lot of their beliefs. I know in my head and heart that it all comes down to Jesus Christ being the Son of God, but I don't quite know how to explain how that works in my everyday life!

But we've got time. Despite her suspicions, she was very friendly and said "Come to me again. Come on Sunday, when I will not clean the house." I told her she could come see me as well. So, I'm so glad for that opportunity. I just want to be friends with her and let her see over time that I'm not trying to spread some kind of cult...

On a different note...we just got back from a birthday bash for Ruth, one of the missionaries from New Zealand. Birthdays seem to be a big deal around here. She is turning thirty, and it was a good excuse to have a jolly get together, so people from all around the area came and there was music, shashlik (Ukrainian barbeque), bonfire, and tiki torches and a lot of chatting and laughing. It was at their house down the road, which is being renovated right now, and lots of people spread out on a big carpet in the back yard and visited. I met some people from Cagarlik, a nearby town, and said hi to some I already knew.

What a big party! As usual, the crowd was intimidating to me, but I keep being pleasantly surprised at how friendly people are...just coming up and saying hi like they actually know me...which some of them sort of do, but I guess I actually feel closer to them than a lot of people at home. After several conversations, I just stood around, uncertain, but it as it got later it was nice to sit on the carpet under cover of darkness just staring at nothing, listening to music with English words (strangely missed) and watching Noah giggle and fall over on the uneven ground.

What a baby that Noah is. I'm rather fond of that one! He's the huggiest baby I've ever seen, and sometimes he's my special grace. I've never seen a one year old that would walk over and just hug you, but Doey does! When I need a hug, there's always Doe. I'm going to write an ode to him someday. He's my Knight in Shining Diapers. Of course, this is the same child who pooped next to my bed today when he got on the loose without a diaper...and then he crawled on the mattress and there was evidence on the wall where I had my post it notes...not much damage though. Nothing a little cleaning wouldn't fix.

Everyone I meet thinks I'm so young. I mean, younger than I am. I know I do seem younger, I just get tired of it I guess. But I guess it's who I am inside that counts :) When I was talking to Svetlana she asked me my age and when I told her I was nineteen, she said, "You look so young, Cassie. You're like their (the Crowes') oldest child." Haha. Oh well. What can I say. When we go places I hang out with the kids sometimes when I don't know what else to do, and someone told me I look like them...so I suppose it makes sense.

So, off to bed now. Tomorrow is a potluck picnic thing...more social activity, and to think I don't even mind! I'm quite pleased with myself :)

P.S. And for future reference, Noah has many interchangeable nicknames, and we all use whichever is most suitable for the moment, so in the future you might see

No, Noey, Do, Doey, Doah, Mo, Moey, Moah, Momo, Momah, Nomah, Bo, Boah, Bobo, Dobah, Bobah, (I've even been tempted to call him Obediah) and don't forget...No-No-Noah! You'd think No was his middle name...

Raspberries and Learning Styles

It's a beautiful day. That's what first came into my head to write. Earlier this afternoon I was staring at the birds circling the blue-and-cloud-dabbed sky and thought, "I'm free, God, I'm free!" That I am, nto because of anything I've done, but because He saved me for Himself.

We just enjoyed the ripest, reddest, most delectable raspberries this side of...of...utopia, I think...red raspberries (did I already mention this?) are my favorite fruit, and I've hardly ever had them because they don't grow in East Texas. But they grow here!

Yesterday I got really excited about teaching Tucker and Brent to read. I don't know what we'll be doing for school exactly, but at least for the past few days I've gotten to help them with their phonics, and I forgot how amazign it is to watch the intensity to concentration on their faces, the curving fingers ooching the pencil over the paper, and the final dawn of pleasure in their eyes when they've written a letter all by themselves! YES! Both of them are very eager to learn.

Deb has us all working on school in the afternoon, so we come to the living room and split up, Deb with one or two kids and me with one or two, and we switch out, so we usually get to work with each one each day. I really like that.

Brent and Tuck are so close in age (5 and 7) but they are two completely different boys! Tuck is contemplative and engineering and thinks a lot, while Brent is very clever at building and loves to work with his hands. Tucker seems to be a more visual learner, and he picks up the sounds of the letters very quickly, while his motor skills aren't quite ready yet. Brent, on the other hand, is quickly catching on to writing the letters, but goes slower with learning the sounds. But I think they're both going to learn quickly.

I took a few pictures of them, but I've been on the internet for quite a while; I think I'll wait till later...

Pictures Around the Place

A few pictures...

This is, from left to right, Ellie (Gollan), Brent's silly head, Angel (Gollan), and Tucker playing in the sand pile next to the barn. You can see this from the kitchen window, although I was outside taking the picture.

And here's a little chimney sweep we found on the front porch...no, wait, I think that's Clark, actually! Whaddaya know? This is a paradise for kids, I'm telling you. All that fresh dirt.

My little path through the woods...

And here's Noah, my sweetie, at the market with his heating coil and groceries. Can you believe how cute that child is?

It's a Good Thing That I'm Not Perfect?

I just got back from a school on the other side of town where Jono, a guy here from New Zealand, was interviewing kids for the English school he's doing. He wanted a few people to come and help serve drinks and cookies and be friendly while he was testing students, etc., and so I went as reinforcements.

So around 4, Jono and his underlings (Natasha, Sveta, Max, and I) went to the school and set up shop in a classroom. He didn't know how many would show up; I guess he had advertised these classes he's doing, so people could just come to sign up if they were interested. Four moms came with their daughters (I guess boys don't want to learn english). Jono tested them on their english skills while Natasha (who works for Jono) did paperwork with the parents. Sveta helped some with that, but most of the time, she and Max and I sat and visited quietly, since nobody wanted cookies, tea, or coffee.

I was so happy to be with Sveta again. She's the kind of person who always means it when she asks "How are you?" and always stops to listen to the answer. I met Max for the first time (he's Ukrainian but speaks pretty good english.) He's interested in philosophy and likes to play djembe, and right now he's staying with Jono.

It was great to visit and pick up a few Russian and Ukrainian phrases. Sveta and Max tried to help me a little. I still can't figure out which language I'm trying to learn :)

The conversation I had with Max really encouraged me. He was curious about why I would leave my home and friends and come to live here with the Crowes. I'm still trying to figure that question out myself. I mean, I came because I wanted to and because I believe God wants me here right now, but I don't have much of an explanation for it. I don't think I really need one.

At one point, Sveta was busy with paperwork, and Max began asking me about what my hobbies are (another question I'm never sure about...uh...journaling?) And then he asked me how long I had known the Lord, so I told him, and then asked, "What about you?" So he told me about his relationship with God and how he struggles to stay out of trouble and a bad crowd, and sometimes wonders if Jesus is the only way, etc. We talked a little about that, and then I shared how I had been struggling this morning with having faith in God.

This morning at breakfast Deb encouraged me because I've been feeling down and frustrated about how dependent I get on emotions. She encouraged me that no matter what I feel like, the truth is always the same. Jesus is the Truth. It's a matter of believing that our sins are forgiven and God accepts and loves us, even if we don't feel like it.

This morning when I was talking about this, I felt weak, like my Christianity was under par. But tonight, while I was sharing this with Max, it dawned on me that if it hadn't been for that weakness of mine, I wouldn't have been able to offer him any encouragement. I don't know what it meant to him, but I realize that it's like Paul says, I can glory in my weakness! If I were perfect all the time, I wouldn't be of much use to the kingdom, I guess! I hadn't thought of it like that before :)

So, I want to pray that Max finds some good friends who will hold him up and not tear him down, and that he would be able to make right choices.

Later on Sveta went outside to talk with some kids she knew, and I went along, straining to understand Ukrainian. After 7, nobody showed up, so we tidied up and Jono entertained us by reciting laughable poetry...I have never heard anyone actually spout off in poetry! I was stunned and inspired, and started twisting my hair and staring into space trying to remember poems I've memorized...a pitiful few. Sveta said we should have a concert.

So we left, and I came home and drank warm milk with honey, and now I'm going to moi kravat because ya khochu spat on moya padushka blahblahalakvnv;jfvalfnvenhwjkbnwgajlkgjevnl.

Goodnight.

When Life Feels Unpeachy

How quickly I change...I have to be vulnerable and admit that my emotions are pretty up and down. Life is so peachy one minute and so unpeachy the next, and I usually can't fugure out why. I'm having a hard time right now, but thinking of that hymn "before the Throne of God Above" helps me lift my head...I need my confidence to come before His throne and know I'm "enough" in His eyes, because He has approved of me through Jesus' blood. So enough with the emotions. Jesus is always the same.

It's really bedtime, but I've been so ecstatic over having email right here at the house that I've been on for quite a while catching up. That Facebook. It would eat my life, if I let it. But I won't :)

Today we started a school schedule with the kids, and I think it will help all of us to have a little more structure. We're planning to have our larger meal at noon, so we'll do chores and prepare the meal in the morning, and then do schoolwork in the afternoon.

Just when I settle a little, new changes appear...I can thank God for the unpeachiness too. It's mostly just in my head. The thoughts I think, the uninterpretable dreams I have at night...

Kingdom Values

(Aug. 31)

Wow. I’m so…happy. What can I say. I have so much I could never deserve and wouldn’t have even quite asked for! God is always picking the oddest times to surprise me with pleasure…just plain old earthly pleasure. It freaks me out actually, and seems to inconveniently interrupt my otherwise religious life J

The past few days I’ve been keenly stricken with the beauty and actual sensual delight of life...The taste of apple pie melting in my mouth…the breathtaking beauty of the Ukrainian sky, a patriotic array of pale gold clouds mingled with ragged grey on a blue horizon and the wind whipping up the river across the valley…the refreshment of a hot shower after four weeks of cold-luke warm bucket baths…the comfort of a cuddly blanket on a cold night (yes, it was 53 F last night, and felt colder to my shocked body!)…The verbal artwork of the word “shashlik” rolling off my happy tongue…the familiar sounds of David Crowder Band gracing my ears…

These are just the physical blessings, and then there are the emotional and spiritual blessings of having friends to talk to who truly listen and understand and give back. People to connect with, sermons to hear that drive me deeper, God’s word rousing me, increasing freedom to live out of God’s approval rather than man’s…

Last night, Cheryl invited me over to her house to watch a movie and spend the night, and I was thrilled. We curled up in blankets and had pizza and watched Paycheck, and then I got a wonderful night of sleep. This morning we had some really encouraging conversation over our breakfast and coffee. I have so many new things to think about here that I’ve found myself really needing to talk it out with people. I was grateful for Cheryl’s ear and her wisdom. We listened to a sermon on her laptop and got hot showers. Her water is low right now, but it’s hot! Wow. I have never been so grateful for hot water before. That was a most blessed shower! The whole time was such an overwhelming refreshment to me!

You know, I really didn’t come to Ukraine to be comfortable. True, I really thought I would like it here, and I hoped I’d enjoy it, but typically you don’t equate anything “missions-ish” with comfort. Sometimes it’s really difficult for me to enjoy the good things in my path because I feel guilty that I have them while others don’t, or I feel that I really must not be following God if I have these material possessions, or all the money I need, or just an easy time of it. That’s not the way Jesus or Paul or the fathers of the early church lived, right? I get anxious about that. And I get anxious about how easy it is to slip into selfishness and apathy when I’m comfortable.

These challenges have been rising in my mind since I’ve been here as I’ve wondered about spending/giving, serving/reaching out, and a host of other things. Before I came I thought I was “doing pretty good” and now, I realize that Jesus still has a lot of unfinished work in my life! But whoa, He’s such Man of Fire and Power that I know He’s going to do it!

A few days ago Deb and I went to a ladies Bible study (again at Cheryl’s) where we listened to a message called “The Treasure Principle” by Randy Alcorn. It was about money and giving and it hit me right in some spots that were already sore. I had had that on my mind all week, each time I went to market, and other times. I’m still pondering that one.

Then, this morning, the message we listened to was one by Tim Keller called “The Community of Jesus” I think (Listen to it if you possibly can!) both Cheryl and I kept taking notes and she even stopped it once so we could take in the point he was making. It was a straightforward sermon focused on what Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount from the passage in Luke 6, about the values of Jesus’ kingdom vs. the values of the world, and how they enable God’s children to live in community.

He said that the values of the world are power, comfort, laughter (literally, gloating over success), and recognition, while the values of God’s kingdom are the opposite: weakness, sacrifice, grief, and exclusion. Jesus says we are blessed not just for experiencing those things, but actually in the midst of those things. Tim Keller made the point that we don’t go seeking these things in a masochistic way, but, as one man said (I think named David Wilcox)

“In Jesus kingdom we prize the things the world avoids at all costs.”

He said that we don’t refuse power, comfort, success, or recognition, but we look on them with suspicion, knowing they are easily corrupted. He explained that when we enter a relationship with Jesus, we are given a radical freedom from the world’s values in order to live in Jesus’ values. Woohoo! Like Jesus when he walked this earth, the world has no hold on us.

So I thought about all the unexpected comforts I’m experiencing. When I first came here everything was strange, new, and hard, but now, I am really liking it and feeling comfortable here, even down to hanging out with people from church at the Gollan’s this past Friday night. I actually feel like I’m becoming part of things. But I’ve feared this comfort because for one thing, I didn’t come here to be safe and comfy and hide out. Jesus said to go into all the world and preach the gospel, and I guess my thought was that going was the hard part, and once I “went” I would automatically start preaching the gospel. But guess what! I’m the same small shy Piglet person I was a month ago in East Texas! Yeah, jetlag changes you, but not that much! I keep feeling guilty for enjoying myself so much.

But as I think about Jesus and dig into His word, I see this man as a Man on Fire. People surged around Him just to touch Him so they could be healed. He caused controversy and upsets and filled the crowds with awe because of God’s power in His life. I’ve so often read the gospels as if they were a message to me about how to be like Jesus; in other words, an exposition on my failures as a Christian. But now I’m seeing it as “Look at this Man! Look who Jesus is and what He did! Come stick your finger in this outlet and prepare to get zapped! Look at what He values and look at how powerful and sufficient He is. Look at the Bread from Heaven, the Spring of Living Water. Come drink from this Power Source!”

In light of who He is and what He cares about, I see these earthly comforts and blessings with different eyes. Obviously, everything has come from Him and no one else. 1 Tim. 6:17 says that “God provides us richly with everything for our enjoyment”, and Paul said that he had learned to be content with both little and much. So I do just thank God for these good things He’s given me.

I also recognize that I’m not to rely on those things. They are sweet gifts, but if they flowed into me and stopped there I would become like a pond with no outlet- stagnant. God likens His Spirit to a stream of flowing waters (John 7:38) so when good things flow into me, they should also flow through me and out of me. We comfort each other with the comfort we have received (2 Cor. 1:4) I believe that God is bringing some healing into my life after some fierce storms, and this is part of that comfort. However, I need that comfort and refreshment to overflow onto other so that God’s kingdom will be glorified.

I want to be willing to drop everything and run to Him at a moment’s notice, like an obedient child. I want to be willing to be sleepless or hungry or lonely without complaint. I’m so grateful for these blessings, but I long to be found faithful when put to the test. It’s hard to enter other people’s pain, and, as Pastor Bud talks about, “Be strong enough to care.” It’s hard when you’re comfortable to get up off the figurative or literal couch and stay alert, to be “prepared for action” and “sober in spirit,” and to deny yourself when the moment comes to give instead of receive.

It’s a challenge to live with little, and it’s also a challenge to live with much! But I’m rejoicing in my Lord who died to set men free. I want to be quick to obey, quick to risk, and quick to die, just like Him. I know in the limited experience I have in living these kingdom values that there is indeed a blessing in the painful seasons. There’s a blessing and a peculiar sweetness in the midst of weeping, in the bleak pain of loneliness, in the acceptance of our weakness and the increase of Christ’s strength. The world can’t understand it from the outside, because it’s a mystery, but we know it produces life in us.

Jesus, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done. Let me learn to live the mystery.

A Few of My Favorite Things

(Aug 30)

I can’t believe August is almost over! At the same time, it’s hard to believe it’s August with the chilly weather today. It’s been rainy and overcast off and on, with gusty wind and chilly temperatures. Maybe in the 50’s? I can’t tell. I’m resisting putting on a sweater…I have to get used to this, right?

It’s becoming more and more keenly evident that we don’t have gas or hot water :) Not that we would turn the gas on right now, but this just reminds us of what’s to come. Hey, we have a tea kettle and all the tea we want, so who’s complaining?

Today we had such a nice time visiting with the Micah and Christy Claycamp, who came over to visit with their four young kids. Three more boys and a girl to add to the mix! They kept each other happy the whole time pretty much.

We ventured to make apple pie with the fresh apples from the trees in the yard and oh man…it was amazing! There’s something so satisfying about making a pie. I don’t think I’ll ever be too homesick as long as there is pie to be made. With limited dishes right now, I’m learning to be creative. I used a Pringles can for a rolling pin a few days ago, (yeah, can you believe there are Pringles right here in little Rzhishchiv?) and today searched around and found the stainless steel camping thermos Mrs. Burklin gave me in a traveling kit she made for my graduation gift. Being long and smooth, it worked quite well for a rolling pin, and the crust didn’t stick! Thanks Mrs. Burklin! :)

So the Claycamps came about ten and we made lunch and sat down and ate it, then enjoyed pie and ice cream and tea for quite a while…it was just a nice leisurely visit and I enjoyed getting the know some more people from the area.

When they left and Deb and I were cleaning up, I commented, “People are always asking me what I like to do and I don’t know how to answer them. Well, this is what I like to do.”

“What? The dishes?” she asked with a grin.

“NO!” I returned. (We have an ongoing joke that doing dishes is my “default” and that that’s what I do when I can’t think of anything else). “No, not dishes. Having people over and fellowshipping and having good things to eat together.” I realized with pleasure that it reminds me of so many Sunday afternoons at home having people in our house for a meal and sharing with them. I’m amazed at how my family life has, in many ways, prepared me for being here. Something I treasured so much at home is being carried out right here in Ukraine, just with the Crowe’s family instead of mine. So I can hardly even feel homesick!