Anxiety Problems (Even the word "anxiety" itself looks stressed!)

Oh, how sweet is a quiet room.

My head hurts pretty bad right now and I'm just weak. The past week has worn me out, more mentally than anything. I'm trying to figure too many things out. They're the basic questions, like, "God, what do you want from me?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "How can I please You and the people around me?" It's been giving me a headache and some TMJ problems. But I guess today I realized that it might get worse before it gets better, and if I'm a hair twisting, indecisive, anxious mess for a while as I learn to trust my Savior, it's ok. I'll just have to be a mess right now. If I make myself sick from worrying, God is faithful enough to sustain me until I learn to trust Him. I am learning, it's just slow.

Since I'm staying with the Gollans, I'm going back and forth between their house and the Crowe's a lot. It's pretty convenient, because it's just a short walk, and I really enjoy being at the Gollans. However, it does present extra decisions to make, and I get anxious about deciding when I should go and stay, what I should do at the Crowes, etc. I get anxious deciding when I'm going to take a shower, when and where to eat, whether to check email or what I should do about the conference coming up, all sorts of little things. For so long, I've had my family to hide behind-- I always hung on my Mama's apron strings, and liked it! Now I'm shoved into deciding for myself a lot of the little everyday things that I took for granted at home, going places, making phone calls, buying stuff, etc. Yeah, I dithered a lot at home, too, but I dither a lot more here. I'm most comfortable alone in my room, and anything beyond that takes careful thought. Most of which can only be produced by consistent hair twisting. And when they say I can't twist my hair anymore...

The other day it was supper time, the food was ready, and I was starving to death. I'm used to my family, where when Mom has dinner ready, we all better be there to eat it, or else! At the Crowes' it's a little different, and sometimes the kids straggle in. I kept thinking I needed to wait till we all settled down to eat, but I my tummy was knawing my backbone, and I was getting antsy. So finally I guess I asked if it was ok to get some food or if we were going to all eat together...and Deb said with her usual cheerful grin, "Do whatever the heck you want!" That caught me off guard a little :) but that seems to be the general idea...that I should go ahead and act like a mostly autonomous adult, whether I feel like it or not. It's nice to have that freedom, I'm just being a big baby. I get so anxious about pleasing everyone around me and not wanting to be selfish...but at the same time being relatively satisfied...that I think I'll go crazy. So whatever the heck I want is just to be sane, at this point.

I know God is pinpointing this in my life because it's been an issue with me for so long. I'm excited that all this turmoil must mean good things are happening and that He's helping me grow up a little, and at the same time, grow more dependent on Him. I'm not growing into an independent, strong young woman, but rather a very helpless young woman who has God's creative, decisive, unchanging and always certain power :) I don't like being weak and silly, more than anything I just want Him to be gloryfied.

Last night I rode a bike for the first time in several years. Cheryl was going down to Masha's for the prayer meeting on her bike, so I borrowed a bike from the Gollans and went with her. I haven't had a bike since I was probably thirteen, and this one was on the large side for me, but we got along pretty well. I had trouble mounting my (somewhat) faithful steed a few times, but over all, it was a blast riding. We flew down the Big Hill, almost hit some cats, and then rode through the Center of town. I got quite out of breath trying to climb the long hill towards Masha's. All those gentle slopes are not so gentle anymore when you're on a bike. Especially if you're really out of shape! I loved getting some good exercise that had a point :) But my bum is way bruised.

Tomorrow I'm going to Kiev for the day with Cheryl. She has errands to run and I'm coming along. (Yay for me, I made a decision!) We'll ride the Marshruka (or however you pronounce the busline) in and then get a ride home.

Tonight a sad thing happened in the kitchen. We lost James. He was a colleague or Godfrey's-- they were the little salt and pepper shakers shaped like Italian restaurant waiters. Godfrey is short and fat and James (was) tall and thin. We named them a few days ago, and since then, have said whenever we needed one of those delightful seasonings, "Pass some James please," or, "Salt it up, Godfrey." Sadly, James came to an untimely demise at the cruel hands of our cold tile floor earlier this evening. Godfrey, however, contiunes to smile jovially from beneath his coal black mustache.

Some of the girls have come to hang out in the other room as they often do on Friday nights (here at the Gollans) so I think I'll go join them, as long as brain cells hold out...

Raspberries and Learning Styles

It's a beautiful day. That's what first came into my head to write. Earlier this afternoon I was staring at the birds circling the blue-and-cloud-dabbed sky and thought, "I'm free, God, I'm free!" That I am, nto because of anything I've done, but because He saved me for Himself.

We just enjoyed the ripest, reddest, most delectable raspberries this side of...of...utopia, I think...red raspberries (did I already mention this?) are my favorite fruit, and I've hardly ever had them because they don't grow in East Texas. But they grow here!

Yesterday I got really excited about teaching Tucker and Brent to read. I don't know what we'll be doing for school exactly, but at least for the past few days I've gotten to help them with their phonics, and I forgot how amazign it is to watch the intensity to concentration on their faces, the curving fingers ooching the pencil over the paper, and the final dawn of pleasure in their eyes when they've written a letter all by themselves! YES! Both of them are very eager to learn.

Deb has us all working on school in the afternoon, so we come to the living room and split up, Deb with one or two kids and me with one or two, and we switch out, so we usually get to work with each one each day. I really like that.

Brent and Tuck are so close in age (5 and 7) but they are two completely different boys! Tuck is contemplative and engineering and thinks a lot, while Brent is very clever at building and loves to work with his hands. Tucker seems to be a more visual learner, and he picks up the sounds of the letters very quickly, while his motor skills aren't quite ready yet. Brent, on the other hand, is quickly catching on to writing the letters, but goes slower with learning the sounds. But I think they're both going to learn quickly.

I took a few pictures of them, but I've been on the internet for quite a while; I think I'll wait till later...

It's a Good Thing That I'm Not Perfect?

I just got back from a school on the other side of town where Jono, a guy here from New Zealand, was interviewing kids for the English school he's doing. He wanted a few people to come and help serve drinks and cookies and be friendly while he was testing students, etc., and so I went as reinforcements.

So around 4, Jono and his underlings (Natasha, Sveta, Max, and I) went to the school and set up shop in a classroom. He didn't know how many would show up; I guess he had advertised these classes he's doing, so people could just come to sign up if they were interested. Four moms came with their daughters (I guess boys don't want to learn english). Jono tested them on their english skills while Natasha (who works for Jono) did paperwork with the parents. Sveta helped some with that, but most of the time, she and Max and I sat and visited quietly, since nobody wanted cookies, tea, or coffee.

I was so happy to be with Sveta again. She's the kind of person who always means it when she asks "How are you?" and always stops to listen to the answer. I met Max for the first time (he's Ukrainian but speaks pretty good english.) He's interested in philosophy and likes to play djembe, and right now he's staying with Jono.

It was great to visit and pick up a few Russian and Ukrainian phrases. Sveta and Max tried to help me a little. I still can't figure out which language I'm trying to learn :)

The conversation I had with Max really encouraged me. He was curious about why I would leave my home and friends and come to live here with the Crowes. I'm still trying to figure that question out myself. I mean, I came because I wanted to and because I believe God wants me here right now, but I don't have much of an explanation for it. I don't think I really need one.

At one point, Sveta was busy with paperwork, and Max began asking me about what my hobbies are (another question I'm never sure about...uh...journaling?) And then he asked me how long I had known the Lord, so I told him, and then asked, "What about you?" So he told me about his relationship with God and how he struggles to stay out of trouble and a bad crowd, and sometimes wonders if Jesus is the only way, etc. We talked a little about that, and then I shared how I had been struggling this morning with having faith in God.

This morning at breakfast Deb encouraged me because I've been feeling down and frustrated about how dependent I get on emotions. She encouraged me that no matter what I feel like, the truth is always the same. Jesus is the Truth. It's a matter of believing that our sins are forgiven and God accepts and loves us, even if we don't feel like it.

This morning when I was talking about this, I felt weak, like my Christianity was under par. But tonight, while I was sharing this with Max, it dawned on me that if it hadn't been for that weakness of mine, I wouldn't have been able to offer him any encouragement. I don't know what it meant to him, but I realize that it's like Paul says, I can glory in my weakness! If I were perfect all the time, I wouldn't be of much use to the kingdom, I guess! I hadn't thought of it like that before :)

So, I want to pray that Max finds some good friends who will hold him up and not tear him down, and that he would be able to make right choices.

Later on Sveta went outside to talk with some kids she knew, and I went along, straining to understand Ukrainian. After 7, nobody showed up, so we tidied up and Jono entertained us by reciting laughable poetry...I have never heard anyone actually spout off in poetry! I was stunned and inspired, and started twisting my hair and staring into space trying to remember poems I've memorized...a pitiful few. Sveta said we should have a concert.

So we left, and I came home and drank warm milk with honey, and now I'm going to moi kravat because ya khochu spat on moya padushka blahblahalakvnv;jfvalfnvenhwjkbnwgajlkgjevnl.

Goodnight.

Kingdom Values

(Aug. 31)

Wow. I’m so…happy. What can I say. I have so much I could never deserve and wouldn’t have even quite asked for! God is always picking the oddest times to surprise me with pleasure…just plain old earthly pleasure. It freaks me out actually, and seems to inconveniently interrupt my otherwise religious life J

The past few days I’ve been keenly stricken with the beauty and actual sensual delight of life...The taste of apple pie melting in my mouth…the breathtaking beauty of the Ukrainian sky, a patriotic array of pale gold clouds mingled with ragged grey on a blue horizon and the wind whipping up the river across the valley…the refreshment of a hot shower after four weeks of cold-luke warm bucket baths…the comfort of a cuddly blanket on a cold night (yes, it was 53 F last night, and felt colder to my shocked body!)…The verbal artwork of the word “shashlik” rolling off my happy tongue…the familiar sounds of David Crowder Band gracing my ears…

These are just the physical blessings, and then there are the emotional and spiritual blessings of having friends to talk to who truly listen and understand and give back. People to connect with, sermons to hear that drive me deeper, God’s word rousing me, increasing freedom to live out of God’s approval rather than man’s…

Last night, Cheryl invited me over to her house to watch a movie and spend the night, and I was thrilled. We curled up in blankets and had pizza and watched Paycheck, and then I got a wonderful night of sleep. This morning we had some really encouraging conversation over our breakfast and coffee. I have so many new things to think about here that I’ve found myself really needing to talk it out with people. I was grateful for Cheryl’s ear and her wisdom. We listened to a sermon on her laptop and got hot showers. Her water is low right now, but it’s hot! Wow. I have never been so grateful for hot water before. That was a most blessed shower! The whole time was such an overwhelming refreshment to me!

You know, I really didn’t come to Ukraine to be comfortable. True, I really thought I would like it here, and I hoped I’d enjoy it, but typically you don’t equate anything “missions-ish” with comfort. Sometimes it’s really difficult for me to enjoy the good things in my path because I feel guilty that I have them while others don’t, or I feel that I really must not be following God if I have these material possessions, or all the money I need, or just an easy time of it. That’s not the way Jesus or Paul or the fathers of the early church lived, right? I get anxious about that. And I get anxious about how easy it is to slip into selfishness and apathy when I’m comfortable.

These challenges have been rising in my mind since I’ve been here as I’ve wondered about spending/giving, serving/reaching out, and a host of other things. Before I came I thought I was “doing pretty good” and now, I realize that Jesus still has a lot of unfinished work in my life! But whoa, He’s such Man of Fire and Power that I know He’s going to do it!

A few days ago Deb and I went to a ladies Bible study (again at Cheryl’s) where we listened to a message called “The Treasure Principle” by Randy Alcorn. It was about money and giving and it hit me right in some spots that were already sore. I had had that on my mind all week, each time I went to market, and other times. I’m still pondering that one.

Then, this morning, the message we listened to was one by Tim Keller called “The Community of Jesus” I think (Listen to it if you possibly can!) both Cheryl and I kept taking notes and she even stopped it once so we could take in the point he was making. It was a straightforward sermon focused on what Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount from the passage in Luke 6, about the values of Jesus’ kingdom vs. the values of the world, and how they enable God’s children to live in community.

He said that the values of the world are power, comfort, laughter (literally, gloating over success), and recognition, while the values of God’s kingdom are the opposite: weakness, sacrifice, grief, and exclusion. Jesus says we are blessed not just for experiencing those things, but actually in the midst of those things. Tim Keller made the point that we don’t go seeking these things in a masochistic way, but, as one man said (I think named David Wilcox)

“In Jesus kingdom we prize the things the world avoids at all costs.”

He said that we don’t refuse power, comfort, success, or recognition, but we look on them with suspicion, knowing they are easily corrupted. He explained that when we enter a relationship with Jesus, we are given a radical freedom from the world’s values in order to live in Jesus’ values. Woohoo! Like Jesus when he walked this earth, the world has no hold on us.

So I thought about all the unexpected comforts I’m experiencing. When I first came here everything was strange, new, and hard, but now, I am really liking it and feeling comfortable here, even down to hanging out with people from church at the Gollan’s this past Friday night. I actually feel like I’m becoming part of things. But I’ve feared this comfort because for one thing, I didn’t come here to be safe and comfy and hide out. Jesus said to go into all the world and preach the gospel, and I guess my thought was that going was the hard part, and once I “went” I would automatically start preaching the gospel. But guess what! I’m the same small shy Piglet person I was a month ago in East Texas! Yeah, jetlag changes you, but not that much! I keep feeling guilty for enjoying myself so much.

But as I think about Jesus and dig into His word, I see this man as a Man on Fire. People surged around Him just to touch Him so they could be healed. He caused controversy and upsets and filled the crowds with awe because of God’s power in His life. I’ve so often read the gospels as if they were a message to me about how to be like Jesus; in other words, an exposition on my failures as a Christian. But now I’m seeing it as “Look at this Man! Look who Jesus is and what He did! Come stick your finger in this outlet and prepare to get zapped! Look at what He values and look at how powerful and sufficient He is. Look at the Bread from Heaven, the Spring of Living Water. Come drink from this Power Source!”

In light of who He is and what He cares about, I see these earthly comforts and blessings with different eyes. Obviously, everything has come from Him and no one else. 1 Tim. 6:17 says that “God provides us richly with everything for our enjoyment”, and Paul said that he had learned to be content with both little and much. So I do just thank God for these good things He’s given me.

I also recognize that I’m not to rely on those things. They are sweet gifts, but if they flowed into me and stopped there I would become like a pond with no outlet- stagnant. God likens His Spirit to a stream of flowing waters (John 7:38) so when good things flow into me, they should also flow through me and out of me. We comfort each other with the comfort we have received (2 Cor. 1:4) I believe that God is bringing some healing into my life after some fierce storms, and this is part of that comfort. However, I need that comfort and refreshment to overflow onto other so that God’s kingdom will be glorified.

I want to be willing to drop everything and run to Him at a moment’s notice, like an obedient child. I want to be willing to be sleepless or hungry or lonely without complaint. I’m so grateful for these blessings, but I long to be found faithful when put to the test. It’s hard to enter other people’s pain, and, as Pastor Bud talks about, “Be strong enough to care.” It’s hard when you’re comfortable to get up off the figurative or literal couch and stay alert, to be “prepared for action” and “sober in spirit,” and to deny yourself when the moment comes to give instead of receive.

It’s a challenge to live with little, and it’s also a challenge to live with much! But I’m rejoicing in my Lord who died to set men free. I want to be quick to obey, quick to risk, and quick to die, just like Him. I know in the limited experience I have in living these kingdom values that there is indeed a blessing in the painful seasons. There’s a blessing and a peculiar sweetness in the midst of weeping, in the bleak pain of loneliness, in the acceptance of our weakness and the increase of Christ’s strength. The world can’t understand it from the outside, because it’s a mystery, but we know it produces life in us.

Jesus, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done. Let me learn to live the mystery.

A Few of My Favorite Things

(Aug 30)

I can’t believe August is almost over! At the same time, it’s hard to believe it’s August with the chilly weather today. It’s been rainy and overcast off and on, with gusty wind and chilly temperatures. Maybe in the 50’s? I can’t tell. I’m resisting putting on a sweater…I have to get used to this, right?

It’s becoming more and more keenly evident that we don’t have gas or hot water :) Not that we would turn the gas on right now, but this just reminds us of what’s to come. Hey, we have a tea kettle and all the tea we want, so who’s complaining?

Today we had such a nice time visiting with the Micah and Christy Claycamp, who came over to visit with their four young kids. Three more boys and a girl to add to the mix! They kept each other happy the whole time pretty much.

We ventured to make apple pie with the fresh apples from the trees in the yard and oh man…it was amazing! There’s something so satisfying about making a pie. I don’t think I’ll ever be too homesick as long as there is pie to be made. With limited dishes right now, I’m learning to be creative. I used a Pringles can for a rolling pin a few days ago, (yeah, can you believe there are Pringles right here in little Rzhishchiv?) and today searched around and found the stainless steel camping thermos Mrs. Burklin gave me in a traveling kit she made for my graduation gift. Being long and smooth, it worked quite well for a rolling pin, and the crust didn’t stick! Thanks Mrs. Burklin! :)

So the Claycamps came about ten and we made lunch and sat down and ate it, then enjoyed pie and ice cream and tea for quite a while…it was just a nice leisurely visit and I enjoyed getting the know some more people from the area.

When they left and Deb and I were cleaning up, I commented, “People are always asking me what I like to do and I don’t know how to answer them. Well, this is what I like to do.”

“What? The dishes?” she asked with a grin.

“NO!” I returned. (We have an ongoing joke that doing dishes is my “default” and that that’s what I do when I can’t think of anything else). “No, not dishes. Having people over and fellowshipping and having good things to eat together.” I realized with pleasure that it reminds me of so many Sunday afternoons at home having people in our house for a meal and sharing with them. I’m amazed at how my family life has, in many ways, prepared me for being here. Something I treasured so much at home is being carried out right here in Ukraine, just with the Crowe’s family instead of mine. So I can hardly even feel homesick!

Meeting the Neighbor Girl (Yay!)

Hey, I'm so excited! I just got to meet the neighbor girl, Ira. She's 20, and going to college in Kiev, but she's home on weekends and speaks Russian, Ukrainian, and some English. Bruce met the family when they were out gardening a few days ago and said they had a daughter and that I shoudl meet her. I wanted to, but I felt anxious because i wondered how in the world it would happen. Was I jsut supposed to go knock on the door or what?

Well, I've been praying about it. And just a bit ago, when I was walking here to the Gollans to use internet, I noticed that the mom was raking in the yard. I thought "Maybe I shoudl just walk by that way, just in case we start talking..." but I was REALLY wanting to get on the internet, and was taking the short cut to save time. But I kept feeling that nudging. I thought "Ah, I'm probably just making that up." But finally I thought, "Ok God, I don't know if it's You or not, and but I'll give up my way just in case." It was a little and a big thing at the same time.

Well, I walked over there, and just then both the dad and mom walked up to me and tried to talk with me! We couldn't communicate too well, but they were really friendly. And then the dad said "Let me go get my daughter, she speaks English" or something like that. I don't think they even knew whether I was speaking English or not.

So out came Ira! Score!!! God is so amazing that way! We didn't talk long, and she said she understands quite a bit of English but can't speak it very well. I told her I was hoping to learn Russian, so maybe we could meet again and help each other. I told her she could come over and we could talk...and then she said I was welcome to come over some time too.

We parted ways, and tears jumped to my eyes. All day I've been so weak and not feeling that well (Ukrainian bacteria is finally catching up with my innards), and I've been draggy and not that great of a human being, but God answered my prayer anyway and gave me a very open door.

Now I just need courage to go knock on Ira's door. Maybe I can take her some cookies.

For Deb's birthday we made a raisin chocolate oatmeal cookie cake...it was crazy because I used a modified snickerdoodle recipe, that being the only cookie recipe available. They say not to tamper with baking recipes, but there was no choice in the matter...and the experiment worked! So there was something to put the candles in :)

I'm praising God for His faithfulness and praying for strength to keep following Him.

Part of God's Family

So, I've been writing blog entries like crazy, but saving them up to post. So there are a couple of long ones under this one.

I'm about to give in to the pressure and get on Facebook. I'm not sure why I'm scared to death of it, but maybe it will be like driving was: I was scared until I tried and then I loved it.

The past few days have been really pleasant...almost too "easy" it seems...I keep looking around suspiciously thinking there might be something wrong :) No emotional breakdowns or anything! I think my sleep is finally getting regulated. I'm getting less than what I got at home, but it's solid and I'm not having crazy dreams any more :) That was entertaining, but not too healthy!

I'm just enjoying where God has me. He keeps blessing me with extra gifts that overwhelm me. Last night there was a worship time at the Gollan's in English and I went down (the Crowes stayed home that time). Even though I still don't have any "history" here, and I can't the jokes people tell with an Australian accent :) I was felt so surrounded and comforted and such a part of God's family when we sang and worshiped together. It was very sweet, and knew I was loved and known there, by God's Spirit.

They say that the

"Stars at night,
Are big and bright
Deep in the heart of Texas..."

but I have to say that the stars in the heart of Rzishchiv are pretty darn bright actually...wow. Walking home from the Gollans, I just had to sing out loud under that pulsing sky! How Great Thou Art...I didn't care if I roused the whole neighborhood (I didn't, though).

God is Great, in the good feelings and bad feelings alike!

Happy Birthday Mom!

What a nice day. Today I've just been sort of taking a break, which included a little retreat to the woods and a walk to the post office to mail a few letters to my family. And I've been trying set up my Skype account so that I can call my mom, because it's her birthday.

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

I've been just pondering things...thinking about Rzhishchiv and wondering how to be a light. Of course, I know I am already a light because God has brought me into His kingdom, I just wonder what it looks like to love people here in Ukraine, and how I will meet Ukrainians who don't know Jesus yet. Although I haven't talked with people yet, I sense that people's hearts are hard here, and that they are "asleep" in a sense.

A few nights ago I mentioned that I was sleepy and that I was feeling tired all the time. Someone said, "Well, you're made for Ukraine, then! Tiredness is a national Ukrainian trait." The culture does seem laid back to the point of lethargy. Maybe it's these hot summer days, but I don't think so. In some respects, I really like the flexibility and calm, but spiritually...

I was reading the scripture from Ephesians 5 that says "Awake, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." There is so much drunkenness here, and, I don't know..."hardened apathy" comes to mind. I'm not sure.

In my own life, I don't want to grow spiritually comatose. I realized that I die to myself and learn to let go of my will, but I can't forget that the Holy Spirit "will also give life to your mortal bodies" (Romans 8) I need that life. The life of Jesus being my passion, my suffering, my rejoicing, my labor, my love, my prayer, my light, my strength. I get so tired that I feel like just surviving, for just skimming by with being nice.

What is real love? 1 Peter says to love one another deeply, from the heart. And Ephesian 5 says to "Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." I'm suddenly seeing that showing love is so much more than being polite and understanding and nice and patient. It's not only passive, but aggressive. But what does that look like every day? It's so dangerous to just jump out and do something in our own strength, but how do I know how to love? How do I know how to serve individuals in different situations? I guess I have to hear God's voice.

He's had so much favor on me, using the difficulties and disappointments or inconveniences (like with the internet) to constantly bind me to Him. I can't run off and be dependent on things that work or easy circumstances.

Well, I need to go. Blessings.

"I may have to save up..."

That's what Ethan said said this morning when I told him I was leaving today. He said,
"Maybe I could go with you when you come back for Christmas." And I said,
"Well, that would cost a lot of money." Wide blue eyes grew wider.
"I may have to save up." Yeah, that's a lot of house chores.


"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competency comes from God. He has made us competent ministers of the new covenant..." (2 Cor. 3 something)

I am weak, but He is strong :)

More Fun Than Human Beings Deserve

Whoa!!! Three days till I leave! Here's how the packing is coming, in case you wanted to know:

This is not "everything," of course...but it's most of it besides clothes, laptop, and sewing machine. There is a method to the madness, although I'm not always clear on what that is :) The packing seems to be going smoothly, though. I separated the "stuff" by category in tubs and boxes and then listed it and then checked some things off the list...I don't know if this is being organized or being deranged, but I'm having fun and I can't think of any other way to do it. One moment I'm feeling like Super-Organiza-Woman, and the next I'm thinking, "Oh gosh, who am I kidding?"

In the midst of the madness, my parents have bought a new car. A "new" car...a cute, vibrant looking '03 Hyundai Santa Fe. Or Santa Fe Hyundai. However that goes. Here...see for yourself:

Mom and Dad have been praying and searching for a vehicle, because the van was getting pretty unreliable, and they wanted something with better gas milage. So they traded the van in this morning and bought this. So, bam!!! All of a sudden, there's a new car and no debt! Kind of miraculous :)

I do get this feeling though, that I'm being nudged out the door...the car only has five seats, and it's a standard, which I can't drive...(yet). When I'm home for Chirstmas, I'll have to learn. eek. It was sort of wierd realizing that this morning was the last time I'll drive until then. Unless, of course I end up driving in Ukraine...wouldn't that be a blast...

This morning Mom woke me up for coffeetime while it was still grayish outside. She came in and kissed my cheek, and then sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed my back very softly for a while. I cracked my eyes open and tried making some grateful noises. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed at the mercy God gives me through her.

I know how a bear feels when it's coming out of hibernation. The backrub got my blood circulating a little, which is always a nice advantage in the morning. What a lovely way to wake up. It just makes me sigh with happiness to think about it :)

Leaving is crazy. Prayer time last night was great. SO MANY PEOPLE CAME! It was a great time for everyone to visit. I loved just getting to come before the Lord and be free from worrying about the million prayer requests that could have been offered. God reminded me that He already knows what we need before we ask...so we were able to just have a sweet worship time, and I enjoyed hearing Connor play the guitar. I live with him, but I never seem to get to hear him play!

Yesterday I met the Murzins, Andrei and Olga, and their daughter Nadia, and two young boys. They're visiting from Kiev, and they've known Bruce and Deb for a while, so I'll be seeing them while I'm over there. Nadia is close to my age, and I like her already. It's exciting to already have that connection, and I was really glad I got to talk to them about some details for flying over and what not. I already have friends!

Meeting the Murzins made the fact that I'm going to a foreign country much more real, or surreal, I should say! It added a gravity to my giddiness, but was really good at the same time. Just as Mrs. Olga told me over and over "Don't worry, don't worry!" (I wonder why she said that? :), my worries really do fade when I look at the safety of being in God's hand. When I see all that He has done, the things that are so far beyond what I "deserve," I just have to love Him even more. And love turns into trust, and trust melts into peace.

This is "more fun than human beings deserve..."

I think somebody at World Mandate said that...

Bread on the Waters

I have a lot of thoughts right now, and some of them are coming up for air...

Bits of Ecclesiastes have been sticking to my brain like flies are supposed to stick on fly paper...(yes, my brain is a mess right now!) But hey, at least I've got Ecclesiastes :)

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made one as well as the other. Therefore, man cannot discover anything about his future." 7:14

"Cast your bread apon the waters, for after many days you will find it again...

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things...

Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or if both will do equally well." 11:1, 5, 6

A few nights ago I was sitting on my bed thinking about going to Ukraine, and found myself saying, "I really don't know where I'm going."

You might say, "Well that's not true, you're going to Ukraine, right? To Rzchishiv?" It seems fairly "settled" as far as physical location goes. But for real, I felt like Abraham when he went out and didn't know where he was going. In my head, I know I'm going to Ukraine (barring unforseen detours), but it's like Ecclesiastes says, God has arranged life where we aren't going to be able to figure it out :) What a sense of humor.

The thing is, this traveling blind is kind of fun in the moments I recognize God at the wheel!

I was flipping through the devotional Streams in the Desert a few days ago at the Bourciers, and saw this phrase:

"You can trust the man who died for you."

So I want to cast my bread, my life, on the waters, on the altar to Him. He's the "God of my surrender," and I raise my white flag to Him over and over. I hope He will take me prisoner so that I can finally be free :)


P.S. Ethan just finished giving his rough, tough GI Joe a bath...it just struck me as funny that most little boys would be taking their army men out to the dirt pile, while Ethan is giving his a bath :) But don't worry, he has spends plenty of time getting grubby!

Divine Interruption

You interrupt my day with love
To tame the tenseness of my will
And feed the muffled begging of my heart.

Staring at Pine Cones

My hair is sticking up and I have what I think is a caffeine buzz from the half cup of coffee I had an hour ago. I'm all jittery, and it feels like caffeine...but coffee usually doesn't do that to me (not in that amount, anyway) So it feels wierd. Maybe my blood pressure is just up because of trying to load music onto my mp3 player :) Two different people have helped me and I still am really confused.

Today I thought of a definition for "stress."

Stress is when you try to control a world that is not meant to be controlled by human beings.

Besides fighting what feels like a losing battle with the mp3 player, I've been shopping and writing notes. Yesterday Mom and I had a very successful shopping trip in spite of rather major setbacks.

Our relatively new-and-shouldn't-be-having-problems van battery died and had to be replaced, and we found out the my grandfather had to go to the hospital with high blood pressure. After some hassle the van issue got resolved and Connor picked us up in his car to finish the shopping.

We were tempted to be upset by the van interruption, but I figured, hey, this is nothing to shopping in Ukraine, no doubt. My grandad's problem hasn't been too serious so far, although they moved him to the Shreveport VA clinic because he can get free care there.

So we were able to get all the toiletries I need to take (enough to last a month or two at least) and a few clothing items, and miscellaneous things like a converter and camera batteries. We actually found some sales at Kohls on winter things (what few there were), so I got a hat and two very nice scarves all for $13, which was a very pleasant surprise. I never do the shopping-for-winter-clothes-in-the-summer-when-they're-cheaper thing, so I was a little giddy over that.

God is so kind to work all these little things out for me and really "make the rough places smooth." It's actually a lot of fun to shop when there's a purpose and I can find what I intended to get!

We ate lunch at Jason's Deli (by this time Connor was with us). Connor had an ice cream cone that came with the meal, and he took it in the car afterwards. So we figured out that

Ice Cream + Stick Shift + East Texas July Heat= Major Drippage and/or Near Death Experience

Just kidding, Connor is a great driver and handled it fine. It was just funny to see him and Mom juggling his ice cream cone at stop lights :)

Hmm, on a different note...

I spent a lot of time today staring at pine cones. There are times when the most most useful thing to do is nothing...so I did it. Those pine cones were so pretty! They looked so perfect, but when I really looked at them, I realized that they weren't perfect at all. They all had flaws or gaps or pieces that stuck out funny. And the whole tree was irregular and sort of scrambled. It seems like everywhere I look I get the message:

You don't have to be perfect to be valuble or beautiful. Every tree and flower and person is different because God is creative and loves variety, and He can handle the wierdnesses we can't!

I keep trying to get everything in life straightened out, and I realize that a lot of my nervousness about the trip stems from a strain to get things "right." I want things organized and arranged and orderly, right down to writing updates. I want symmetry. And God keeps laughing and nudging me and saying, "Go on, mess up!" I don't mean "sin intentionally," but just "risk not having it all together."

I want symmetry, but God looks at the pine tree and says, "Be thou funky!" I don't handle disorder very well because I fear it will eventually result in chaos, but God knows exactly where it's headed, and He's not worried about it! Peace isn't the absence of disorder, it's the presence of God.

I want someone to be in control of the mess: It's God. I want someone to deal gently with me: It's God.

"One thing God has spoken,
Two things have I heard,
That You, oh God, are strong,
And You, oh Lord are loving."

Psalm 61: 11-12a

He is all powerful, He is completely loving, He is completely trustworthy.

Officially Happy

I'm amazed at the way things just "work out." I never know what will happen from one day to the next, but I kind of like it that way! Having a schedule was boring me to death. At the same time, having no schedule is mildly terrifying...

I was wondering how I'd get to see the different people I wanted to see before I leave. I wanted to see my friend Julia, but she lives half an hour away, and I wasn't sure when I'd get to go over. But then, yesterday she called me saying that she was going to be on my side of town and wondered if she could come by.

It was a perfect time for me, and helped me get focused enough to get my Friday housework done. So her mom dropped her off and we spent several hours just chatting, encouraging each other in the Lord, and then doing this at lunch time:

(Those are duck bills made out of Pringles, in case you've never had the pleasure of playing in your food before.)

So, it's official. I've been eager about Ukraine, excited to a certain extent, and somewhat anxious at times, but now it's gone beyond that...I'm downright happy! I know this because my stomach thinks it's on holiday and doesn't want to digest my food anymore. We passed a Mexican bakery yesterday and saw an advertisement for an international phone card, and my insides somersaulted! Just hearing an airplane go over can send me into a sort of ecstatic joy. And getting books to read with my little people...

Last night I went with Grammie, Mom, and Mattie to dinner and then Barnes & Nobles in Tyler. I bought books. I tried to drink a green tea latte (which I'd never had before) and almost died. I don't know if it was that my stomach was already in the preliminaries of rebellion or that the warm, foamy, vivid pea green drink looked and tasted like heated pond scum, or both...I'm thinking I'll stick with Starbucks' coffee next time and save my adventuresome tastbuds for some time when I'm not so...happy.

It seems no fair that the happier I get, the worse my gut hurts, but oh well...at least nothing is coming back up, you know?

There has been so much waiting, boredom, and difficulty along this journey, but right now I think the word Mom gave me from Isaiah 55:12 is coming true.

"You will go out in joy,

And be led forth in peace

The mountains and hills will break forth in shouts of joy before you

And all the trees of the fields will clap their hands..."

When I first read that verse, I thought the "trees clapping their hands" was a picture of trees clapping to music, but a few days ago I was thinking on it, and the picture God gave me was of me running a race, and the trees on either side applauding joyously as I crossed a finish line. It was as if they were yelling "You did it, Cassie! You made it! Hurray!" Like a cloud of witnesses.

And it's not just me "doing it," but God carrying me through, it's my family standing by me, the friends who have been praying, the people who have given their resources. Ukraine isn't a final destination by any means, but it is a goal to be celebrated!

A few weeks ago it was hard to believe I could come out of what I saw as huge, depressing messes. Now, although I still have a bundle of question marks and plenty of ache at times, I'm finding this verse true. I have so much peace, so much joy...so much delight in the smallest details of this adventure God has brought me into. It's clear that He does have good plans, exciting plans, even FUN plans for His children. Maybe not on our timing...but then that's a gift in itself!

If I'd had my way I would have left months ago, but I would have missed so much God had for me here. I'm so glad for what has been, what is, and what will be. Because of the storms I've been going through here, I have the assurance I need that He'll sustain me in Ukraine.

So..I'm going to go watch Monk with my family, and maybe finish rolling my winter shirts :)

Last night I dreamed that I was shopping at Walmart and a tornado was coming, so they made the customers get in a swimming pool outdoors for safety, where we watched dark clouds roll in and waited for funnel clouds to appear. Instead, a white flying saucer catapaulted out of the sky and crash landed on a hotel nearby, causing a fire and lots of black smoke billows. Then it started pouring rain, and Mom and Dad found me at Walmart, but then ran off to check on the spaceship. Finally the storm passed and we got to go, and as we drove home, Mom said, "Let's go home and watch Monk."

Ahhh. Now you know what we do at the end of a long day.

Me, God? A Warrior?

Oh boy. I feel like preaching again :)

God is so good to me! He gave me an awesome fundraiser last night at church. People gave SO GENEROUSLY and seemed to have a lot of fun auctioning the boxed dinners. The Hubers did an awesome job of arranging and pulling off the auction (and yoyo-ing!).

I've been under a lot of spiritual attacks the past few weeks, and didn't realize it until last Monday. It's especially been difficult on Sundays and Mondays. I thought it was just me and was upset with myself for being so flaky and horrible, etc. but then I realized that those accusing voices I'm hearing that make me feel guilty and cause rifts with others are NOT from God, and not from me.

And I remembered that often before missions trips there is a lot of spiritual warfare, not just on me but on my family. I seem to be hanging somewhere between extreme happiness and sheer brokenness, with an emphasis on the brokenness part. You know how in books, movies, and history the really cunning bad guys figure out that the best way to inflict pain on their enemy is to hurt the people closest to them? Well, I guess my big enemy knows about that trick, too.

And I realize that this "adventure" off to Ukraine for a year isn't just little ol' me going off to have an exotic babysitting adventure. There wasn't a thunder and lightning scene, but I know God has called me to Ukraine for this season, for a purpose.

Truth is, I feel like Gideon. "What, me? God? I'm just the youngest son in the lowest family of the most pitiful tribe of Israel. Who are you calling "Mighty Warrior," here? I don't think of myself as a threat to the enemy, but maybe he does.

While my body and spirit feel weaker and weaker, God is pouring more and more of Himself into me. Philipians 2 says that Jesus emptied Himself, so I've been asking God to empty me. Since I'll be flying soon, I'll use this analogy:

I'm an airplane, and Jesus is my Pilot. He's so big inside me that there just isn't any room for my baggage!

So He's getting rid of my baggage (i.e., guilt, anger, bitterness, self pity, fear; to name a few). He's even asking me to let some of my hopes and dreams die so that He can resurrect them again later. (One of His specialties!)

Anyway...I don't think Satan likes it when the saints start asking God to move for them when they don't have the strength to do anything anymore. He's probably afraid God will DO IT, because, well, our God is that sort of God! Yes!!

I'm just like Gideon. I've never seen myself as a warrior. When I was little, I never was the kind of girl who wanted to sword fight or be a warrior princess. I was more of a play house, teach school to my thirty teddy bears, and invent secret languages kind of girl. No conflict, please.

But it's becoming pretty clear to me that I'm a warrior with God. "Your gentleness makes me great...you teach my hands to war..." Psalm 18

I know that I don't wage war against flesh and blood but against the "spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" Eph. 6:12

"But David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with a sword and a spear and a javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will hand you over to me and I will strike you and cut off your head." 1 Sam. 17:45

Yeah, baby! That head cutting off thing is a little graphic, but I think God put that in there to show just how violent warfare can be, and also what a thorough and complete victory He's prepared for the ones who call on His name for help.

Please pray that:

> I would just keep humbling myself before God and saying "Yes, Lord!" all the time. I want my life to be one big "YES!!!" to God.

>On a practical level, that I could get some good sleep and relief from headaches/TMJ

>That I could react to circumstances in love and gentleness instead of anger and anxiety.

Childhood Terror #2: Escaped!

I have wonderful news! I'm not going crazy, I don't have to spend the precious weeks before Ukraine eating jello and whining, and I don't have to face one of my three worst childhood nightmares!

In other words, I don't have to have my wisdom teeth out, and the jaw problems I've been having are not some kind of debilitating disease; they're just stress.

I've been having bad headaches and tension all over my head, face, neck, and jaw area, and my jaw is uneven. We thought it might be the wisdom teeth I've never had checked, and decided to go to a dentist about it before I leave for Ukraine.

Then, Mrs. Michelle mentioned TMJ, a disorder in the jaw joints that is actually pretty common, I think. It can be caused by all sorts of things, from severe injuries to chewing too much gum, but it's often caused by stress. And as much as I'd like to say I've been serene as an angel the past few weeks...well let's just say there are a few things on my mind. I lay awake at night focusing on not clenching my teeth...among other things.

Anyhow, I read up on it on the internet, and apparently TMJ isn't caused by wisdom teeth. In fact, having your wisdom teeth removed can sometimes cause TMJ, because they open your mouth so abnormally wide. I was not looking forward to sitting there with my sore mouth open like that.

We went to Dr. Cloud this morning, however, still expecting I'd need the wisdom teeth out. I laid back in the chair and erupted in nervous giggles while he and the assistant poked things into my mouth. He said,

"Well, I've had a lot of criers in here, but not many laughers!" I couldn't stop. I turned red and got teary and nearly exploded with laughing, while they grinned and shook their heads at me and continued with the (jiggly) inner-mouth photography.

My mouth felt like an overstuffed broom closet, and the more I thought about the ludicrousness of it the more I couldn't control the eruptions, especially at the part where he said, "Now be really still." Was he trying to be funny? Not to mention it kind of tickled. And things tasted funny. And I've never had a stranger's latex-gloved finger stuck down my throat before. Eww for them! But, everything was so funny it didn't hurt.

And as soon as he peeked into my mouth, Dr. Cloud said,

"You've got great teeth. Who'd you get these teeth from? There's plenty of room in there!" And after a good look at the tickly photos, "I don't know why you'd want to get those out. You've got plenty of room." I didn't even have any cavities. Mrs. Audrey (the assistant) said,

"You've done a great job brushing and flossing," and I didn't have the guts to tell her I have a horror of flossing and never do it.

Well, what can I say? That I've been freaking out all these years over nothing? Pretty much :) Seriously, when I was very little, my three greatest fears were these: (in this order)

1) Getting baptized (In front of all those people! Yikes!)
2 ) Getting my wisdom teeth removed.
3)Being in a housefire.

So far I've overcome #1, avoided #3, and been miraculously spared from #2.

So, I talked with the dentist about the TMJ, and he said, "Relax!" Hm. I laughed and said, "Can you tell me something everyone else hasn't already?" "Well, try to eat soft foods and take an Ibufrofen 4 times a day..." Basically he said, quit stressing and you'll feel better when you move out of the country. Which is kind of what I was thinking anyway. It's just nice to hear it from someone else's mouth! It's not like I won't have problems in Ukraine (Deb's probably laughing), but they will be different problems than the ones I'm clenching my teeth over now :)

They said maybe meditation would help me relax :) I think God was hinting at that already...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refeshment to your bones." Proverbs 3:5-7

I feel embarressed that, as a follower of Jesus, I would be overwhelmed by stress. I'm supposed to lean on Him, right? Trust in Him completely! I guess it's just a growing process. Today was one step deeper in trusting Him because I saw awesome evidence of "Cast all your cares apon Him, because He cares for you." I'm so surrounded with His love and care.

From from my mother's womb (which was, toward the end, a pretty risky place to be since my Mom had Toxemia when I was born) God's been forming me and He knew exactly what teeth I would have and how much space there would be for them. And I don't think the TMJ stuff surprises Him either.

Now, I'll just breath deeply, and hope for better sleep tonight...

A Varied Assortment of Topics I Don't Know How to Title

"Trust is the key to adventure."


-Alex Rover, Nim's Island


This afternoon, Dad, Ethan, and I went to the dollar show and saw Nim's Island, and I loved it! Definitely worth seeing. Flying lizards, monsoons, near volcanic eruptions, and random emails from an author on the other side of the world...great fun.


Nim lives on a secret pacific island with her father, is homeschooled :), and loves adventure stories. So when she gets in trouble while her father is stranded in a monsoon, her favorite adventure story author, Alex Rover, comes to helps her. (They've been communicating over email.)


The problem is that Alexandra Rover is terrified of the universe in general, orders hand sanitizer in bulk, and can't even muster the courage to go out to get the mail! But her alter-ego, Alex (her book character whom she alone can see) pushes her to risk the adventure...it's awesome. She has to travel across the world by big plane, little plane, bus, motor boat, heliocopter, and row boat in a monsoon and even ends up eating grub worms. Yeah, baby!


Everywhere she goes she's hanging back, but Alex, (an Indiana Jones/cowboy type) is always right there with her, urging her to overcome the fear side and do what is really in her to do. The results are hilarious and rather fascinating.


This past week I've been listing. Listing, as in making lists...or listing towards insanity. However you want to put it. In my mind, I think of how I could pack in this really organized way for Ukraine, and I start making lists in my mind, but because they aren't perfect, I don't write them down on paper. Believe it or not, I'm looking for the right kind of pen to make my list with. And at this point you may be saying, "honey, get a grip..." and I would agree with you.

So, no special pen. I made one list of toiletries and then went through some drawers and papers. I don't know what good that does except leave me with a tub of stuff I kind of want to take but definitely don't have room for. And it helps me rest at ease that there are a few less drawers and stacks I have to think about before I go. Or ever. After that, I sat on my bed with a tiny blank book I've hoarded since Christmas and a nice pen (I did find one after all!) and made lists of future lists I'm going to make :)

I'm just writing this to convince myself (and everyone else) once and for all how silly it is to worry over these things. Lists and more lists! All this Stuff. I just really want to forget about nail files and adaptors and AA batteries and deoderant and thermal underwear and find some pixie dust and POOF!!! Magically Be On The Plane. That will be a happy moment! I feel like Martha sometimes, but I know in my heart I'm Mary. Only one thing out of all these things is necessary...Jesu, joy of man's desiring.

It's kind of cool, actually, how my stress over preparations has been turned to good. I've woken up restless and unable to sleep a few nights, head full of tumultuous thoughts and little details. But then, when I started listening to music and focusing on the Lord, He started using my the dark, silent sleeplessness as an opportunity to share His thoughts about Ukraine! (Which, by the way, were a whole lot more exciting than mine!)

It's so great that in our weakest, most anxious and childish moments, God pours the power of His prayer and thoughts into us! It really is like Paul says: we are jars of clay. The "surpassingly great power" is from Him.

More and more, it's becoming evident to me that prayer is not something I can just decide to schedule or do. It's a gift from Him that requires only a willingness and readiness to recieve. We have to be willing to get in situations that are still and quiet (and often boring for a while!) but intercessory prayer itself is just the unmerited gift He gives His people as we get to know Him. He spontaneously infuses us with His thoughts, His spirit, His heart cries. And then we just say them back to Him!

I didn't ask to pass the infant morning hours in sweaty, hollow sleeplessness, and I sure wouldn't have stayed awake if it had been up to me, but in the midst my helplessness, God picked that time especially to share His thoughts with me! Cool!

In Which I Switch Gears at 20% and Tag Along With Dad

I arose from repose at the ripe hour of 9 o'clock this morning and got dressed, hearing voices downstairs and feeling anxious lest I miss that important hour of the day when the Walters family has a moot and plans for the day start piecing together. (It's nothing intentional or planned, understand...information just happens to get exchanged sometimes.) If I miss that crucial time, I feel kind of disoriented for the day.

While I was still fussing with my jeans, I heard Dad calling me, and bleary eyed, I went out to the landing. "Do you want to go to Tyler with me?" he asked. "I'm leaving in 15 minutes." My dear brain was still only running on 20%, but I managed to grasp what he said, and mumbled an affirmative.

It was pretty impressive, ya'll! I totally switched gears in a matter of seconds (while my brain was only functioning at 20%) and kicked into "go" mode. I showered neglectfully, dressed in something else, applied a little goop here and there as needed, and hurried downstairs. Dad had poured some grapenuts into the cruddy old blue mug with whales on it that I secretly like (oh well, now it's not a secret!), so I added milk and a teaspoon of sugar and headed out the door with a kiss from Mom.

We went to Tyler for Dad's doctor apointment, a checkup on his back required for Social Security purposes. I read World Magazine in the waiting room. The doctor congratulated him on getting Social Security and said "nothing new."

Then, we went to Barnes & Nobles. Why I keep letting this happen to me, I can't say, but once again I went into a book store with money, and...

I sat reading a book called Reaching Out, by Henri Nouwen, and when I had read maybe a third of it and had that sensation of someone-telling-me-what-I've-been-thinking-all-my-life-but-didn't-know-how-to-say, I thought "maybe I should just buy it." So I did. I have so many questions about life right now and I'm searching out so many things, I almost feel like these books I keep coming across are part of my "education." This living by faith thing is so crazy. I'm just trying to learn to listen to God's promptings and "buy" when He says "buy". So far He's blessing it!

It was past lunch time, but we hadn't eaten, so we stopped on the way home in Gladewater at a tiny restaurant called "Don Omar's" It's a little family business (I'm a bit partial to those!) and they have great Mexican food for a great price.

Our (at least my) favorite part about the restaurant is the waitress, though. She's eight years old, and a very charming hostess! She helps her mom translate orders. When she got us settled in with our food, she came over to our table and stood there in her yellow shirt and flouncy denim skirt. She regarded us with big brown eyes, serious but perfectly self-assured. She addressed my dad.

"So, is this your granddaughter?" Looks of mild amusement.

"No, she's my daughter."

"Does he look old?" I broke in, laughing. She nodded her head emphatically while poor dad protested. I mean, he's got a little gray up there, but he does not look old to me. But I guess when you're eight...

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Daisy," she said pertly.

"That's a pretty name," I replied, (what an original remark; don't you love small talk?) I was actually thinking how cute it was that she was named that because it fit her. Her shirt was sunshiny looking, and I wondered how such dark eyes could look so bright.

She did her job thoroughly. Every few minutes she'd return, flouncing.

"Need anything else?" she'd ask.

"Just a bigger stomach," Dad said. Mmm. Good food.

Channels of Water

So, I have a feeling that life is going to begin accelerating in the next week or two. Different things have come up that I need to start doing or maybe doing before I leave for Ukraine. Today when I realized that, a wave of weakness came over me suddenly and I felt completely drained, physically. Like something had zapped my energy source. You could say it's all in my head...I guess it was! But I felt completely limp.

I had lunch with Grammie and was polishing cabinets for her (one of the awesome little jobs God has given me!), and I mustered myself to finish that, and it was fine. I went swimming for a short time afterward, thinking that might be energizing, but then went home and ate some cereal. Then I went upstairs and did what I really, at the bottom of my heart, was hungry to do. I shut Laila out of my room and got on my bed, then opened up to Proverbs and read for a while. The only verse I remember now was the first one I read, from chapter 21:

"The kings heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it whereever He wishes."

It reminded me that whoever is in authority over me at any time whether people I work for, customs workers, government officials, pastors and teachers, my Mom and Dad, are all under God's authority. Usually my authorities are working for my good and I appreciate them very much, but sometimes I just feel helpless that decisions being made are out of my control. But this verse says that even the king's heart is subject to God. We are not at man's mercy, but God's, and He promises to work out all things for our good.

I'm not sure if that concept was even part of my struggle today, but somehow it comforted me, so I laid down and went to sleep, knowing I was right there with the Lord. When I woke up, I still felt bad physically, but I had so much worship in my heart for Him! I know I can go through whatever is ahead with a faithful heart.

While we swam at our cousin's above-ground pool earlier today, I got to see Ethan in action for the first time. Real pool action. He got right in without a floatation device of any kind and start playing around. He's finally tall enough to stand in the pool without being completely immersed. It's such a shock to see him in there like that after the past summers (even the beginning of this one!) when he spent the whole swim time basically trying to avoid getting wet. We played Marco Polo and then made a whirlpool. Mary and Ethan amused themselves by hanging on my neck like monkeys. It wore me out after a while, but it's kind of nice to spend some time being clung to by small beings under four feet tall. I rarely go up to swim with them.

Got to go now...I've overshot my time limit...

Learning to Impose

It's just over five weeks until I leave for Ukraine. I was excited for Mary yesterday when I talked to her at church about her trip- she left for El Paso yesterday and is headed to Hong Kong in a few days. She's going to have a great time. I love how God just sprinkles us over the globe...I mean, He doesn't have to, but He seems to like to do it.

I'm excited about going myself. Apparently, my visa has come in! In one week!!! They told us two weeks at the least, but I was thinking four or so. I was dumbfounded. Now I just need to go pick it up from the office. So, that's all the paperwork.

Now, though, I'm getting into the touchy business of raising support, and I'll be totally honest. I'm scared silly. I'm scared of people, I'm scared of asking for money...I'm scared of money! No, not quite. But this is not easy to think about, let alone do. I've been able to earn money so far for my plane ticket and for getting ready to go through small jobs, but I'm going to need support while I'm there and for another plane ticket. My church body is aware I'm going, but when it comes down to details about how to give, it seems fuzzy and I'm really nervous about talking to people about it.

What I really want to do is just "wait on God" for the money. I've heard of missionaries who do that. The Lord leads them not to ask for money, and then He just sends it to them from random sources. It's a big faith building thing. I almost dare to say I have enough faith for that.

But, unfortunately/fortunately, I don't think I'm allowed to try that method this time. I have to actually communicate with human beings! :) Imagine that. What I'm having trouble having faith for is Asking-People-For-Money. That good ol' pride and fear of man stuff. Ok, Lord.

I just want to say, "God, I can't. I just can't." But I can't say can't. Not to God. Not now. Not ever. It seemed so easy when I sent support letters for Hong Kong and India missions trips. It was all layed out- they told me what to do. I did it. Didn't really think twice. Letters went out, money came in.

But now seems so different...it's a different situation, sort of. I think I expected to outgrow the support letter thing. I thought I would pass the test and maybe move on to a different level :)

So, baby steps. One step at a time. All I have to do is trust and do the next thing He says to do. When the waters rise to overwhelm me, He will rescue me. No fear, no pride of mine is too big for Him to deal with. So may He deal away!

I really want to learn to surrender and trust, not just God, but the people around me. Even around the ones I'm closest to, I try to hide my real needs or desires because I'm afraid that I'll inconvenience them, impose on them, or make them feel uncomfortable. But, it's like Mom told me one day about some other matter..."You need impose on people! We all impose on each other."

I try not to breath your air, give you germs, or cause even the hint of an unpleasant thought. Far be it from me to ask you for something! I think of it as being nice, but it's not very Biblical, is it? And in the end, it's really not very nice!

I usually like it when people "impose" on me...ask me for things, ask questions, ask for my time, hugs, care, help, love, and yes, money. It makes me feel loved and needed. Without it, I get extremely lonely. So probably, people would want me to do the same for them. How in the world can we be a community without imposing on each other?

Whether it's emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, or whatever, it's so hard for me to shed my idea of what's "proper" and trust that people will actually love me, needs and all.

Please pray for me in this, that I'd have courage to obey the Lord and that this would be healthy and good for my relationships with people, and just for our church body.