Thinking and DREAMING about Ukraine

Connor is home! I'm so glad. The missing piece of the puzzle is snugly back in place, even if he is kinda worn out. When we go into restaurant, we ask for six chairs. I like that.

When Connor decided to go to Russia and I decided not to go, I was glad. When he went through the strenuous preparations, I was relieved. When he left, I was fine. While he was gone, I was content. Since the moment I walked into the airport yesterday, all that has changed.

I want to leave for Ukraine tomorrow!!! (ok, maybe like a month would be good) I'm simply in love. In love with roaring airplanes, with rolling hills and forests, with an AMAZING language that I can hardly wrap my tongue around...oh its the language that does it. I'm just in love. Yeah, go ahead and call it a crush...but I think I'll go ahead and indulge this one ;) hehe. I can't wait to connect with somebody in Russian! The very idea quickens my pulse like very few things can :D

I'm fighting a little jealousy, but truly, I'm glad I was here instead of on the Kings Kids trip. I'm very happy with where I'll be going, what I'll be doing, and who I'll be with, and even with when I'll be doing it all. Even though I really have no idea what any of those particulars are, exactly!!

I'm just wonderfully excited that this God I'm following is leading me to do something that I am actually EXCITED about...sometimes as Christians we tend to fall into this idea that life is full of drudgery and doing things we hate. At least I do. Mud huts in Africa, or daily piles of laundry. Yeah, sometimes mud huts are trying and there will always be laundry, but I so love it that God plans happy things for us. He knows exactly what turns me on. And to top that off, I really believe that the things He designed me to love (traveling to another country, connecting with others in another language, etc.) He also designed to be useful to His kingdom purposes! He has my number, and He's calling it! If that doesn't make a gal feel loved, I don't know what else will :)

As I said, I'm in love. Practically head over heels!

"He will accomplish His purposes for me." Ps. 138:8

Thinking About Ukraine

This evening God refreshed me with getting to hear about Ukraine from the Crowes. I realistically can go! In the Spring-ish, probably. I'm just so happy, looking at pictures of land they want to buy, seeing pictures of the country market, hearing about the missionaries living there and the possibilities in store. Wrapping my mind around driving a scooter without a license ;)

I'm ready for a change. I want to live differently than I am living now. And its not just that giddy, adventurous sense of teenage get-me-out-of-the-house-ness. I've definitely been through that, and after missions trips to Hong Kong and India, my addiction to missions trip highs has mostly evaporated.

No, I'm not going to Ukraine just to escape from my life, my family, my circumstances. I have a very real and potentially painful loyalty and love for my home, my safe little nest. But honestly, the safe little nest is crowded with so many old struggles and fears and frustrations with myself and I am dying to clamber out on a limb and fly a little, just to get some fresh air. I know I'm going to be homesick, and I'm aware that life in Ukraine will present a whole new set of challenges...but that's what I (think\hope) I'm ready for...new challenges.

Going to Ukraine is not an attempt to satisfy my restlessness, rather, I believe its a culmination of one of God's plans for me...really both an end and a beginning, and perhaps actually a journey in itself. I don't think He's been leading me and training me and urging me on just so that I can stay in the nest and have the dreams He gives me suffocated. Not that it doesn't mean waiting...for any of you who have asked me about Ukraine...well, you know my answer: "I don't really know...we're waiting on God." But God keeps giving me such clear direction to wait and trust that I don't really mind the lack of clear direction on other matters! Obviously He knows what He's up to. Waiting (not only for Ukraine, but for most of my other dreams as well) is a lesson He's teaching me in such preciously thorough detail and care right now that I'm beginning to consider it a very important thing in my life. Patience.

Anyhow, I am so stirred about this whole idea. My original reason for going to Ukraine was wanting to serve the Crowe family, and that still stands in my mind. I didn't have a big interest in Ukraine specifically, besides the fact that it is a foreign country and I'm very drawn to that.

Honestly, I still don't have a big vision for the people of Ukraine. A few years ago, I would have panicked about that. I mean, how does anyone even toying with the word "missions" dare to not "have a heart for the people"? It sounds selfish, like I'm not taking the missions idea seriously or even being um, "Christian". I care about Ukrainian souls as much as I care for American souls, which unfortunately does not say much, if you look at my present "evangelizing record." But I'm not too worried on that front anymore. I've heard of plenty of people with a great calling on their heart for a people group who arrived in their "target country" only to struggle to loving the individuals they dealt with day to day. It seems that its one thing to cry over a photo or article, but quite another to live love to a really messed up individual who has the capacity to wound us out of their own hurt.

So I'm counting on the Lord to prepare the way and bring meaningful relationships into my life when I get to Ukraine. I do hope the personalness of the culture and the desperation of the people will goad me to share Jesus more openly than I do here, but I can't promise that I will open my mouth any more in Ukraine than in Longview if the Spirit doesn't open it for me! I'm so woefully unable without Him :)

In the meantime, I have hope for the future, I have renewed patience for growing. I do want to make "friends of sinners" and share the Jesus who has shown Himself so faithful in my life. Gotta keep singing, keep trusting, keep hanging on.

Keep Singing

another rainy day
i can't recall having sunshine on my face
all i feel is pain
all i wanna do is walk out of this place
but when i am stuck, and i can't move
when i don't know what i should do
when i wonder if i'll ever make it through...

i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising Your name
You're the one that's keeping my heart beating
i gotta keep singing
i gotta keep praising Your name
cause that's the only way that i'll find healing

can i climb up in Your lap
i don't wanna leave
Jesus sing over me
i gotta keep singing

oh, You're everything i need
and i gotta keep singing

(Keep Singing, by MercyMe)

Summer does not last forever. Amen.

Missing Teenage Boyness (Connor's, that is)

My brother is coming back from Russia in less than a week!! Connor's been gone for over 4 weeks now, and I'm very ready to see him...Mattie says, "so now you get a taste of what WE went through last year!" She makes sure I don't forget the excruciating agonies they went through...buckets of tears, etc. Poor things.

I haven't once cried about Connor being gone...but did realize the other day the nearness of his age to mine-- the very thing that used to cause such issues in our relationship when we were little bickering kids-- is what makes me miss him now. You relate to each person in your family differently...Mattie and I can relate through girly emotions we both have, Mom and I have lots of talks together...this weekend I got to be Dad's navigator as we explored the backroads of Texas on the way to and from Glen Rose, and we got to share our love for new places through armchair travel as well! Ethan...well, crazy enough, I see so much of Ethan's personality in myself sometimes that it's painful...but even in his wierd little 4 year old world, I feel that I understand him :)

So, even though Connor and I don't have similar personalities, (we've come to a place where that's actually a good thing) we really enjoy each other, and I'm beginning to need a good dose of his Teenage Boyness (which I can't properly get from any other source!) Who knew I would ever miss that, but oh, I do! :)

Learning to be Cilvilized (and the book on How To)

Well adjusted...thank you for your comment, Mrs. Burklin. It was good to be reminded of being a stranger in this world, and that its ok, necessary, even.


When I think of well-adjusted, I think of having the ability to be comfortable and at ease in any situation with any people...to be able to say and do what is appropriate, to be at home in one's own skin. Alive, but not obnoxious. Present, but not painfully obvious.


A few days ago I was in Barnes and Nobles with Dad, and, foolishly, I did bring money, and, foolishly, I left my guard down about all those lovely books. What possessed me in that moment, I can't say, but after 15 minutes of skimming a little book called "The Art of Civilized Conversation" I impetuously bought it.


Not only was it odd for me to buy such a little book for such a lot of money, it was (is) faintly embarressing to buy such a book, especially since I didn't mean to read it just out of sheer boredom but actually had need of it...


Like most books, there were the good, bad, and the hmm-I'm-not-sure parts, but overall it was pretty helpful. Its rare to find a book (especially a self help book, which I guess you would categorize that as) that doesn't completely focus on you, and how you should find yourself, assert yourself, pamper yourself, and whatever else you FEEL like doing to yourself. Instead, The Art of Civilized Conversation emphasized that, in order to have meaningful conversations, you absolutely must focus on the other person, their interests, feelings, and personality. A Biblical concept, one summed up in Philippians 2:3-4, which Mom made us memorize at a very young age and repeat often (usually after a good sibling bickering match)

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, let each of you regard one another as more important than himself. Do not merely look out for your own interests, but also for the interests of others."

And Philippians 2 goes on to say that the reason we should treat people this way is that that is the way Christ treated us. I'm coming to realize (in a painful sense of knowing-but-not-being-there-yet) that shyness and selfconsciousness and extreme sense of social ineptness is sometimes not merely a personality trait, but a sin, if it means that I'm just focusing on myself. So this book, which has to do with adjusting oneself socially, really helped me see habits of conversation that are downright selfcentered that I had never even thought of before. It exposes false humility and how you can be thinking you are complimenting the other person when really you are putting the spotlight on yourself, among other things. I went through the book thinking, "oh, I thought there was something wrong with talking like that, I just didn't know there was another way to do it!"

I think a main error of the book would have been that it encouraged politeness to the extent of tolerance. While it did encourage considerate confrontation for inappropriate actions, etc., it also encourages you to keep your mouth shut about "your religious beliefs" and not push. While in a sense I think some Christians really could use more tact and consideration and less pushiness in presenting the gospel, others among us already have a hard time opening our mouths for Christ's sake in the first place. While a Christian ought to "as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men," we also ought to be ready to follow the Holy Spirit's leading at any time as well, even when its not comfortable or socially acceptable. Jesus wasn't always polite in His conversation, but He always did and said what the Father told Him.

Anyhow, I'm just mulling over these things in my head (and now on my blog). It comforts me to know that He isn't finished with me, with us, yet. I so deserve it to be over! But somehow, its miraculously not!

"People are more, much more, than what holds them back."

That was a quote from The Art of Cilivized Conversation that really captured my attention, and its one I want to see others through, as well as myself.

To Do When Relaxing

Just so you know, I haven't given up on updating this blog. In fact, I've been waiting all week for this prime moment of Saturday-ness...

Earlier, a bit after 11, Dad came in and asked me if I'd had a chance to blog yet this morning(knowing it featured largely in my plans for the day.) "Uh...no" I answered.

"What did you doing all morning?"
"Hmm...I slept. I woke. I showered. I, uh..."
"Relaxed?" he questioned. "Yeah! I relaxed." I agreed, just relieved to have a valid excuse NOT to have "done something."

In lieu of my extreme relaxedness this morning, (now lapsed into afternoon) I'm going to postpone even the activities on my "To Do When Relaxing" list and, well, relax. :) Congratulate me! Ciao.

One passing thought:

What constitutes being a "well adjusted" person, and pray, do any of these fortunate individuals actually exist?

Give Us Another Chance...

I was just thinking about Chance. Chance Pate- our friend who died in a car wreck exactly two years ago yesterday. It's not really a sad thought, because all of my memories of him are funny :) Either that, or slightly embarrassing!

Chance was one of the people God put in my life to get me to lighten up. He lived with us for 2 and a half years, when I was about 12-14. He was an energetic, outgoing, aspiring English-teacher-to-be. Lots of nervous energy. Lots of laughs. Lots of go.

It always drove me crazy when he and Mom sang country songs they both knew...(of course the rest of us were too dignified for that) At suppertime he'd rush into the house, barge into the kitchen, and hack a piece of homeade bread off the loaf, slathering it with butter and honey. Then he'd scarf it down, raving about homeade bread. "We're about to eat supper, Chance!" Mom would scold, "You're not even going to be hungry!"

Chance would sit up late at night, trying to prod my dad into deep conversation. "So Mark, what do you think about during the day?" "What do I think about? Chance, I don't know what I think about!"

Being the neat-freak that he was, Chance sometimes got sudden, blitzkreig-type urges to clean the house, which, often turned disastrous. Mom appreciated his orderliness, but sometimes was distressed when the bills went missing (only to be found in a random drawer somewhere.) Once, the felt she was cutting out for an Easter devotions craft went missing, and she discovered it months later in our decorative butter churn, where Chance had stuffed it in a maniacal fit of tidying!

The only time Chance got mad at one of us (visibly, that is) was when Connor, getting a little out of hand, kneed him in the jaw (Chance had braces at the time), and Chance stormed up to his room to cool off for a bit.

Starving for English-teacher-type-counsel, I always relished the times when Chance would sit me down for an english chat...he had me reading Hamlet, contorting my brain over commas, and laboring over a research paper on Tolkien- which nearly killed me, but turned out for my good.

Since he wasn't just an english major, but was studying psychology as well, Chance liked to come home and, well, analyze us. I remember confiding that I felt that most boys were show offs and had "boy disease" (my personal rendering of "cooties") and that I didn't have any friends who were boys. "Well," Chance exclaimed, "what am I, CHOPPED LIVER?!!" No, Chance was my friend, my english teacher, the big brother I never had.

We didn't see Chance very much after he moved out and got married, and life just changed for everybody, and it was ok. When he died, it wasn't really like losing a brother, because we weren't with him everyday. It was more like a deep shock and sadness that he was gone- a fixture in the house of our lives, like so many friends who drift out of touch and are taken for granted. Still, I always thought Chance would be there to occasionally read my papers and scribble red ink all over them, clap loudest at my graduation, celebrate at my wedding, and be there to tell my kids how, if they didn't behave, he was gonna "tie you to the fan and swing you 'round and 'round till the blood rushes to your toes and your toes pop!"

So yeah. That's kind of sad, thinking he's not around anymore, but there are so many good memories, and so much to thank God for. Life is so short here anyway, and God is the one who gives and takes away. I'm just reminded by Chance's life to appreciate each good gift, each life God has put beside mine.