Learning to be Cilvilized (and the book on How To)

Well adjusted...thank you for your comment, Mrs. Burklin. It was good to be reminded of being a stranger in this world, and that its ok, necessary, even.


When I think of well-adjusted, I think of having the ability to be comfortable and at ease in any situation with any people...to be able to say and do what is appropriate, to be at home in one's own skin. Alive, but not obnoxious. Present, but not painfully obvious.


A few days ago I was in Barnes and Nobles with Dad, and, foolishly, I did bring money, and, foolishly, I left my guard down about all those lovely books. What possessed me in that moment, I can't say, but after 15 minutes of skimming a little book called "The Art of Civilized Conversation" I impetuously bought it.


Not only was it odd for me to buy such a little book for such a lot of money, it was (is) faintly embarressing to buy such a book, especially since I didn't mean to read it just out of sheer boredom but actually had need of it...


Like most books, there were the good, bad, and the hmm-I'm-not-sure parts, but overall it was pretty helpful. Its rare to find a book (especially a self help book, which I guess you would categorize that as) that doesn't completely focus on you, and how you should find yourself, assert yourself, pamper yourself, and whatever else you FEEL like doing to yourself. Instead, The Art of Civilized Conversation emphasized that, in order to have meaningful conversations, you absolutely must focus on the other person, their interests, feelings, and personality. A Biblical concept, one summed up in Philippians 2:3-4, which Mom made us memorize at a very young age and repeat often (usually after a good sibling bickering match)

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, let each of you regard one another as more important than himself. Do not merely look out for your own interests, but also for the interests of others."

And Philippians 2 goes on to say that the reason we should treat people this way is that that is the way Christ treated us. I'm coming to realize (in a painful sense of knowing-but-not-being-there-yet) that shyness and selfconsciousness and extreme sense of social ineptness is sometimes not merely a personality trait, but a sin, if it means that I'm just focusing on myself. So this book, which has to do with adjusting oneself socially, really helped me see habits of conversation that are downright selfcentered that I had never even thought of before. It exposes false humility and how you can be thinking you are complimenting the other person when really you are putting the spotlight on yourself, among other things. I went through the book thinking, "oh, I thought there was something wrong with talking like that, I just didn't know there was another way to do it!"

I think a main error of the book would have been that it encouraged politeness to the extent of tolerance. While it did encourage considerate confrontation for inappropriate actions, etc., it also encourages you to keep your mouth shut about "your religious beliefs" and not push. While in a sense I think some Christians really could use more tact and consideration and less pushiness in presenting the gospel, others among us already have a hard time opening our mouths for Christ's sake in the first place. While a Christian ought to "as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men," we also ought to be ready to follow the Holy Spirit's leading at any time as well, even when its not comfortable or socially acceptable. Jesus wasn't always polite in His conversation, but He always did and said what the Father told Him.

Anyhow, I'm just mulling over these things in my head (and now on my blog). It comforts me to know that He isn't finished with me, with us, yet. I so deserve it to be over! But somehow, its miraculously not!

"People are more, much more, than what holds them back."

That was a quote from The Art of Cilivized Conversation that really captured my attention, and its one I want to see others through, as well as myself.