In the Rearview Mirror

I had a driver's license anniversary yesterday. I've now been legally driving alone for one year! Well, I mean, it wasn't as if I had been driving illegally before that. It was all Mom could do to coax me into the vehicle at all :)

It's exciting to take stock of my own growth in driving. Since I hadn't done any learning that intense since first grade, it kind of shocked me to pass milestones and learn at such an accelerated pace! After that initial instance of roaring up the driveway in the caravan, arms locked to the steering wheel in a death grip, my throat choked with unshakeable fits of nervous laughter-- I didn't have much confidence that I'd ever be able to drive "normally." It wasn't a pretty sight.

I did though, aquired a sort of fondness for driving, after some of the unknowns were eliminated. Such as, which one is the gas and which one is the brake? That's important, you know. You mean I have to cross all four lanes of traffic? And wait...WHY ARE THOSE CARS COMING TOWARD ME WHEN I HAVE A GREEN LIGHT!!!!! Mom and Dad berated me over and over for my timidity, because I was about to get everybody killed wavering back and forth about whether or not to pull into traffic. Dad came up with my battlecry. "When you see the opening, you can't just inch out there, Cassie, you have to Commit. Commit!"

Well, now I commit. Sometimes I commit a little too much. Sometimes I just hurtle through those intersections, causing our poor van to lurch and groan like a seasick elephant (no, I've never seen one of those) One day I took a curve a little fast on the way to youth group and Connor commented, "Gosh, Cass, Mom and Dad would never know you were the same girl who would hardly pull out in the street a couple months ago."

Now, I'm quite happy driving. In fact, it's going to be hard to relinquish control to my nearly-16-year-old brother who has been revving his figurative engine for some time now. When he and I are together, I'm always the nervous one, the protected one, the stay-in-the-background one. I rely on him, because he likes to be relied on, and because I like being protected. But I've also discovered that I rather savor having a little power. Keys and steering wheel. Final say over the radio. Drivers seat. It's all about to go bye-bye in another three months.

Several weeks ago I was driving the two of us to a birthday party, in the evening. I'd had a frazzled day and was trying to calm down on the way there, while dealing with evening traffic. Connor said something like, "Just wait till I can drive. You won't have to worry about driving any more. I'll take care of it." I probably frowned. As I said, I secretly enjoy my rein of...(well, not terror, but...). He searched my face and his playful demeanor took on a note of what I took for masked seriousness. He busted out the question I knew I'd have to answer sooner or later. "Would you feel safe if I were driving right now? Do you trust me?" I suddenly sensed that I was treading on land mines. I'd actually mulled over this one a lot in my head, but now that it came to words, I wanted to answer carefully.

"Well, when you get your license, I'll feel safe with you driving."

"Yeah, but right now, if I were driving, would you feel safe, like if Dad were driving?" He was very earnest about it. I kept my eyes straight ahead and twisted my hair. Gee, Connor, isn't that a lot to ask? You've only been in Drivers Ed for two months!

"Well, uh, Connor, you don't have a license...no I don't feel safe with that. The idea of riding with someone who's driving illegally would freak me out. I wouldn't be able to relax."

"But if I had my license right now, and I was driving, would you be able to relax?"

"Well, you don't have the experience Dad has, you know...but, I mean, I trust you. I think I could relax." By the grace of God, I would relax.

Connor is a great driver, from what I've seen of his driving under permit. He isn't scared like I was, and he's had lots of chances to get comfy with vehicles, driving around in our field. He went into driving lightyears ahead of me. The big question is really a test for me, not for him. Can I relinquish control?

Well, I overcame a lot of fears when I learned to drive. Maybe that's part of the reason I like it so much. Right now, when Connor and I are together in public, I am the driver. I am bold. (I like to imagine, anyway) It is I, alone, who can undertake the dangerous task of transporting our company safely to our destination through flood, flame, or dark of night. I'm an overcomer. And, hey, I can turn off the radio when I feel like it. But I think, if I could overcome a fear of driving with myself, I ought to be able to trust God to keep me from sqirming in the passenger seat when my big-little brother drives me around town. We'll see.