Learning to Impose

It's just over five weeks until I leave for Ukraine. I was excited for Mary yesterday when I talked to her at church about her trip- she left for El Paso yesterday and is headed to Hong Kong in a few days. She's going to have a great time. I love how God just sprinkles us over the globe...I mean, He doesn't have to, but He seems to like to do it.

I'm excited about going myself. Apparently, my visa has come in! In one week!!! They told us two weeks at the least, but I was thinking four or so. I was dumbfounded. Now I just need to go pick it up from the office. So, that's all the paperwork.

Now, though, I'm getting into the touchy business of raising support, and I'll be totally honest. I'm scared silly. I'm scared of people, I'm scared of asking for money...I'm scared of money! No, not quite. But this is not easy to think about, let alone do. I've been able to earn money so far for my plane ticket and for getting ready to go through small jobs, but I'm going to need support while I'm there and for another plane ticket. My church body is aware I'm going, but when it comes down to details about how to give, it seems fuzzy and I'm really nervous about talking to people about it.

What I really want to do is just "wait on God" for the money. I've heard of missionaries who do that. The Lord leads them not to ask for money, and then He just sends it to them from random sources. It's a big faith building thing. I almost dare to say I have enough faith for that.

But, unfortunately/fortunately, I don't think I'm allowed to try that method this time. I have to actually communicate with human beings! :) Imagine that. What I'm having trouble having faith for is Asking-People-For-Money. That good ol' pride and fear of man stuff. Ok, Lord.

I just want to say, "God, I can't. I just can't." But I can't say can't. Not to God. Not now. Not ever. It seemed so easy when I sent support letters for Hong Kong and India missions trips. It was all layed out- they told me what to do. I did it. Didn't really think twice. Letters went out, money came in.

But now seems so different...it's a different situation, sort of. I think I expected to outgrow the support letter thing. I thought I would pass the test and maybe move on to a different level :)

So, baby steps. One step at a time. All I have to do is trust and do the next thing He says to do. When the waters rise to overwhelm me, He will rescue me. No fear, no pride of mine is too big for Him to deal with. So may He deal away!

I really want to learn to surrender and trust, not just God, but the people around me. Even around the ones I'm closest to, I try to hide my real needs or desires because I'm afraid that I'll inconvenience them, impose on them, or make them feel uncomfortable. But, it's like Mom told me one day about some other matter..."You need impose on people! We all impose on each other."

I try not to breath your air, give you germs, or cause even the hint of an unpleasant thought. Far be it from me to ask you for something! I think of it as being nice, but it's not very Biblical, is it? And in the end, it's really not very nice!

I usually like it when people "impose" on me...ask me for things, ask questions, ask for my time, hugs, care, help, love, and yes, money. It makes me feel loved and needed. Without it, I get extremely lonely. So probably, people would want me to do the same for them. How in the world can we be a community without imposing on each other?

Whether it's emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, or whatever, it's so hard for me to shed my idea of what's "proper" and trust that people will actually love me, needs and all.

Please pray for me in this, that I'd have courage to obey the Lord and that this would be healthy and good for my relationships with people, and just for our church body.