I Stand on What I Know

We’re back at Grandma’s house now, after leaving Grandpa’s around 9 this morning. Poor guy. He’s just so frail.

We took a scenic route back to Dayton along highway 58, I think, which proved to be entertaining. I spent some time trying to catch pictures out the window with my camera of extensive Christmas tree farms, pastures of hay bales, a river, and rolling blue hills in the distance. They didn’t come out very well, but the scenery was nice.

I also listened to music and ate my special cereal. The cereal successfully prevented carsickness on the windy roads, besides the fact that Grandma was driving, and that her car is obviously more compact than the van and doesn’t swish around.

Although the cereal really does look like dog food and nobody else in my family is crazy about it, I like it because it’s mild and comforting, and it has hearts in it. They’re not cutesy hearts, either, they’re nice, sort of serious looking hearts. There are hearts in the cereal because it’s presumably “heart healthy,” but I like to think of them differently. I ate them one by one and thought sentimentally that maybe each one could signify each person I love. But then, that sounds kind of bad, since I was eating them :P

I listened to two Desperation Band Cds for a long time, hugging my pillow and eating my cereal and thinking while the Virginia countryside went by. It’s been so nice to have a change of scenery, and I realized I’ve gone a whole week without the blues. But last night they hit me full force and it really caught me off guard, like a specter of fear, isolation, and bleakness suddenly appearing. Once again, I just feared “It.”

It’s a fear of waking up to the caving in, sinking feeling, over and over, morning after morning, feeling better, then sinking again. I fear the trap of its ugly embrace; I fear clawing out of a dark well towards foggy hope. It all came back, and I felt that all I’ve said and done and written was just a mask over the black hole inside me.

I’d love to be cheerful, happy, and contagiously joyful. I’d love to be a morning person, to wake up smiling and hopeful. But that’s not how it is, most of the time.

The line from the hymn ran through my mind…”Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow…” Bright hope? I thought. What bright hope? Of course there’s bright hope, I know there’s bright hope…I don’t have any reason to think there isn’t…but my sky was overcast, and bright hope didn’t make sense at all. It always comes, and then goes again, betraying me, abandoning me, leaving me alone to face this creeping darkness.

Desperately, I opened the Bible to the Psalms, where I started reading the 140’s. Psalm after Psalm of David’s cries seemed to match mine.

“The enemy pursues me
He crushes me to the ground
He makes me dwell in darkness
Like those long dead
So my spirit grows faint within me
My heart is dismayed within me
I remember the days of long ago
I meditate on all your works
And consider what Your hands have done
I spread out my hands to You
My soul thirsts for You like a parched land
Answer me quickly, O Lord;
My spirit fails
Do not hide Your face from me
Or I will be like those who go down to the pit
Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love…”
Psalm 143:3-8a

“When I am awake, I am still with Thee…” Psalm 139:18b

I was comforted enough to go to sleep, but today I thought about it all again while I listened to Desperation. The upbeat worship music was just what I needed. I needed to hear the words of truth from young, cheerful lips. Truth, truth, truth, truth, truth. My golden thread, my way out, my ticket to freedom.

It seems to be coming down to this: What do I believe? Truth, or a lie? God, or the bleakness? I was just on the phone with Lauren yesterday, and we’d been encouraging each other about God’s Spirit living in us. I’d been upbeat and encouraged. Then suddenly… this. All this time I’ve been saying I have His Spirit in my heart, that I love Him, that I know Him, that I trust Him. Now it’s time to stand up for it. I see a black hole. But if He said He’s in me, then He is. That’s all. And there’s no room for any kind of hole!

Desperation Band sings about joy all over the place. They sing about joy, and their music is full of happy energy. This song grabbed me--

“Whatever the day, I know
You carried the cross, for my soul
You bled for my sin beginning
Life for all, hope for all, joy for all unspeakable

Whatever the day, we know
You conquered the grave, saved the world
Now that we’re free believing
What we know who we know is the truth
So here we go

I know I know I know I know
You turned the world around
Now I have found the way that can’t be shaken
I know I know I know I know
You turned it upside down
Now I have found the life that can’t be shaken

And I stand on what I know.

It’s true so I believe it
It’s true so I believe in You
It’s true so I believe it
It’s true so I believe in You”
“I know,” Desperation Band

If He said it, it’s true. He said “abide in me, and I will abide in you.” (John 15) so…I guess it’s true! He’s like, “Don’t run away from home.” When I sleep, He will not leave me. When I wake, I am still with Him. I just stand, and keep standing. Believe, and keep believing. Cling, and keep clinging. The music heals my soul. His words strengthen me.

I had a silly thought of myself stuck in a tree, and Jesus climbing up to rescue me. And I thought, “What if there were poison ivy vines on it?” And He said, “I would still climb up.” :) It’s a funny childish comfort for basic childish fears.

“Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” “Though you pass through the waters, they will not overcome you, though you pass through the fire, you will not be burned.” (From Isaiah). “God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good.” :)