I Don't Know From Whence it Came...

Last night I woke up with a raging headache and stumbled into the bathroom to get some Ibuprofen. Outside my windows it was all silvery grey night (well, probably morning, but I didn't check the time) and while I was crawling back under the blankets, I realized that the lines of a poem were rolling around in my head...I just woke up with them...

"I don't know whence it came
From winter or a river..."

I don't know if thos're the exact words, but I thought I recognized them in a book on writing poetry that I read at the library. My first impression was that it was written by some guy named Pablo Neruda. Huh. I don't know why the lines came through. Sleep is does wierd things to people's brains.

I've been trying to find the poem on the internet and failed so far. I think I remember it being a poem about writing poetry though, and that, if I was understanding it correctly, I agreed with the guy. Poetry does come out at odd times from elusive sources, whether you're making it or thinking of it! It's really nagging me now. I want to know the rest of the poem.

Well, as I burrowed my head in the pillow and tried to ignore the headache, I thought how thoughts, not just poetry, blow through on rather unexpected breezes and from all quarters. It amazes me how just the simple articulation of your thoughts and feelings to another person can stir up other thoughts you didn't know you were thinking!

Two such conversations turned my brain upside down and gave it a good shake the other day. One was with Mrs. Burklin, over tea, when we were discussing college, and the next morning was by the fireplace, with Mom, where I was having a meltdown about...well, college. College I'm not going to at the moment, college I had convinced myself I didn't need and didn't want too badly, college I suddenly knew I was longing for.

In conversation #1, I was in midsentence explaining why I wasn't in college and my good reasons for not going when something deep inside hatched out of its shell and started squawking, "But I DO want to go to college!" In conversation #2, I was pouring out how I feel I've worked myself into a corner and how college seems so far off and nearly impossible because of time, money, and preparation. (I did take the SAT once, but for complicated reasons I had to ditch the scores) And Mom said: "Well, why don't you study up on your algebra and go take the SAT before you go to Ukraine?" That idea had never occurred to me before, and it struck me as a very good one. I would never trade going to Ukraine for anything- I'm very glad I'm going, I'm thrilled about it in fact, and have been certain it's what God has led me to do for now. But I was just as excited that college is not such a hard door to pry open anyhow. It will take waiting and a lot of faith to believe for all the details, and I'll need to know it's what God wants. But it's possible. Quite possible.

I know that none of the time has been wasted. My mind and heart have changed a whole lot in the past six months or so, and I wouldn't have been ready to start college back in the fall. Now, if I do it, I will actually have reasons for it. Funny how everyone who's older than you always says "Oh, the time just passes so fast. Four years is no big deal." Huh. It's a HUGE deal to me! I know that what they're saying is true, from hindsight, but right here, right now, it takes a huge step of faith for me to trust God enough to even commit to trying for a four year degree. Not to mention spending who knows how long in a foreign country beforehand! Ok, I mean, you might be saying, what does she have to lose? But, trust me, it's a faith thing.

So, I don't know from whence it came...this idea...but by the joy and peace and the sudden eagerness to tackle Algebra, I think it must be from God. (The Algebra part is most definitely a miraculous phenomenon no human could power could account for!)

It's funny, just when I start being happy to rest contentedly without trying to plan out the rest of my life, God gives me a vision I didn't think I had the strength to believe for.