The Cup of Trembling

"Behold, I have taken out of thine hand the cup of trembling, even the dregs of My fury; thou shalt no more drink it again." Isaiah 51:22

Today I started a new job...sort of. It was actually a trial day making mosaic crosses at Mrs. Castleberry's. At the end of the week we'll see if I have a part time job. When I tried making the crosses a few weeks ago I really liked it and felt comfortable with it, and Mrs. Castleberry said I had potential. Today, however, things were more serious, and I wasn't so sure.

As she said, it was a Monday. I couldn't seem to fit the pieces together properly, and my cold, clumsy fingers kept caving in the sand molds. I knew that this time I needed to not only do a good job putting the pieces in, but I needed to pick up the pace as well. Eek! All the old voices came taunting me..."You're not getting it. You're not getting it right. Faster. Faster! Get it right, Cassie. Come on. That's not good enough." I call them "old voices" because they've been the norm for so long every time I feel intimidated, but lately God's been doing a new thing with me.

So I was growing more flustered by the minute, but still being calm and controlling myself because, obviously, you can't delicately place glass triangles in a mold while entertaining an emotional breakdown. I started praying along the way, "Please God, help me to do this. I have to do this and I can't get it right without You..." And then He said, clearly in my head,

"Cassie, I'll still love you even if you don't get it right."

And I said back, in my head, "Will You, God?" I instantly knew He meant it. It may be the first time in my life that I genuinely believed that He would still be just as delighted and satisfied with me if I didn't do a good performance. Suddenly my idea of how God sees me and my hope for earthly success separated like cream out of milk (and oh, it's been homogenized for so long!) I could remove my personal needs and emotions from the situation and be hidden in God's love, while at the same time look at the circumstances objectively.

I thought of the trick Amanda shared with me over lunch the other day for overcoming the self conscious fear problem. She said, "When you're in those situations, just ask yourself, 'What is the worst thing that could happen here?' and, 'If it happens, will it kill me?'" I've asked that numerous times in the past few days, and WOW!!! It's amazing how that helps. So I went ahead and asked. And I thought, "You know, the worst that can happen is that I do an inferior job, and Mrs. Castleberry can't hire me after all. I don't want her to be disappointed, and I really want the job, but God, I trust You." It could be much, much worse...I mean, Mrs. Castleberry could be yelling at me (she isn't by any means- she's a very kind lady.)

Soon, Mrs. Castleberry and I struck up a conversation, and before long, I was just putting the pieces in without laboring over it quite so much. By the end of the five and a half hours I was feeling much better about it all. And more than that, there was this special thing with God- a new knowledge that He not only cares about the work, but also about my heart, unconditionally.

"Hearken unto to Me, ye that know righteousness, the people in whose heart is my law; fear not the reproach of men, neither be afraid of their revilings...

I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who art thou, that you shouldst be afraid of a man that shall die, and of the son of man who shall be made like grass,

And forgettest the Lord, thy maker, who hath stretched forth the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth, and hast feared continually every day because of the fury of the oppressor, as if he were ready to destroy. And where is the fury of the oppressor?

But I am the Lord, thy God who divided the sea, whose waves roared; The Lord of host is his name.

And I have put my words in thy mouth, and have covered thee in the shadow of Mine hand, that I may plant the heavens and lay the foundations and say to Zion, 'Thou art My people.'"

Isaiah 51:7,12-13,15-16