I'm babysitting at the Crowes' right now, marveling at the amazing way a schedule works :) It's fun. And when there are six kids in the house (well, right now there are five) they all seem to be able to entertain each other beautifully (with a few minor interventions.)
The boys are glued to the Xbox for a few minutes before lunch after getting all their stuff done. Tucker and Clark were sitting around making boy noises with contraptions they had put together with some sort of plastic building material. Oh, the genius of boys. The noises make me laugh.
Bron sitting at the computer doing Rosetta Stone, popping up every few minutes to say, "Do you know what "_____" means? Do you know how to say "_____"?" Unfortunately, I didn't, because I'm not to that level in R.S. yet. :) I'm glad she's there, though! My Russian-learning method has become more laid back, and a lot more do-able. I've been picking a word a day from my Russian book and writing it in English, Russian block letters, and Russian cursive on a post it note till the post it is covered (somewhere around ten times) I say it to myself while I'm doing it. Then I put it up on a word list on the mirror and read over list. The list is a little unsystematic...Friday, meat, winter, Thursday, again, carrots, breakfast,already...
I've also been learning to count, as aforementioned. The learning plan doesn't sound very affective for, you know, attaining fluency, but I'm learning more than you'd expect. I'm a language lover at heart, so usually the word-of-the-day is just a lure to drag me into the book looking up verbs and such :) I'm at least getting familiarized with the language, which, when it comes to Russian, is probably important. Just going off of first impressions, it's quite formidable!
Need to go put french fries in the oven...
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
The Cup of Trembling
"Behold, I have taken out of thine hand the cup of trembling, even the dregs of My fury; thou shalt no more drink it again." Isaiah 51:22
Today I started a new job...sort of. It was actually a trial day making mosaic crosses at Mrs. Castleberry's. At the end of the week we'll see if I have a part time job. When I tried making the crosses a few weeks ago I really liked it and felt comfortable with it, and Mrs. Castleberry said I had potential. Today, however, things were more serious, and I wasn't so sure.
As she said, it was a Monday. I couldn't seem to fit the pieces together properly, and my cold, clumsy fingers kept caving in the sand molds. I knew that this time I needed to not only do a good job putting the pieces in, but I needed to pick up the pace as well. Eek! All the old voices came taunting me..."You're not getting it. You're not getting it right. Faster. Faster! Get it right, Cassie. Come on. That's not good enough." I call them "old voices" because they've been the norm for so long every time I feel intimidated, but lately God's been doing a new thing with me.
So I was growing more flustered by the minute, but still being calm and controlling myself because, obviously, you can't delicately place glass triangles in a mold while entertaining an emotional breakdown. I started praying along the way, "Please God, help me to do this. I have to do this and I can't get it right without You..." And then He said, clearly in my head,
"Cassie, I'll still love you even if you don't get it right."
And I said back, in my head, "Will You, God?" I instantly knew He meant it. It may be the first time in my life that I genuinely believed that He would still be just as delighted and satisfied with me if I didn't do a good performance. Suddenly my idea of how God sees me and my hope for earthly success separated like cream out of milk (and oh, it's been homogenized for so long!) I could remove my personal needs and emotions from the situation and be hidden in God's love, while at the same time look at the circumstances objectively.
I thought of the trick Amanda shared with me over lunch the other day for overcoming the self conscious fear problem. She said, "When you're in those situations, just ask yourself, 'What is the worst thing that could happen here?' and, 'If it happens, will it kill me?'" I've asked that numerous times in the past few days, and WOW!!! It's amazing how that helps. So I went ahead and asked. And I thought, "You know, the worst that can happen is that I do an inferior job, and Mrs. Castleberry can't hire me after all. I don't want her to be disappointed, and I really want the job, but God, I trust You." It could be much, much worse...I mean, Mrs. Castleberry could be yelling at me (she isn't by any means- she's a very kind lady.)
Soon, Mrs. Castleberry and I struck up a conversation, and before long, I was just putting the pieces in without laboring over it quite so much. By the end of the five and a half hours I was feeling much better about it all. And more than that, there was this special thing with God- a new knowledge that He not only cares about the work, but also about my heart, unconditionally.
"Hearken unto to Me, ye that know righteousness, the people in whose heart is my law; fear not the reproach of men, neither be afraid of their revilings...
I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who art thou, that you shouldst be afraid of a man that shall die, and of the son of man who shall be made like grass,
And forgettest the Lord, thy maker, who hath stretched forth the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth, and hast feared continually every day because of the fury of the oppressor, as if he were ready to destroy. And where is the fury of the oppressor?
But I am the Lord, thy God who divided the sea, whose waves roared; The Lord of host is his name.
And I have put my words in thy mouth, and have covered thee in the shadow of Mine hand, that I may plant the heavens and lay the foundations and say to Zion, 'Thou art My people.'"
Isaiah 51:7,12-13,15-16
Today I started a new job...sort of. It was actually a trial day making mosaic crosses at Mrs. Castleberry's. At the end of the week we'll see if I have a part time job. When I tried making the crosses a few weeks ago I really liked it and felt comfortable with it, and Mrs. Castleberry said I had potential. Today, however, things were more serious, and I wasn't so sure.
As she said, it was a Monday. I couldn't seem to fit the pieces together properly, and my cold, clumsy fingers kept caving in the sand molds. I knew that this time I needed to not only do a good job putting the pieces in, but I needed to pick up the pace as well. Eek! All the old voices came taunting me..."You're not getting it. You're not getting it right. Faster. Faster! Get it right, Cassie. Come on. That's not good enough." I call them "old voices" because they've been the norm for so long every time I feel intimidated, but lately God's been doing a new thing with me.
So I was growing more flustered by the minute, but still being calm and controlling myself because, obviously, you can't delicately place glass triangles in a mold while entertaining an emotional breakdown. I started praying along the way, "Please God, help me to do this. I have to do this and I can't get it right without You..." And then He said, clearly in my head,
"Cassie, I'll still love you even if you don't get it right."
And I said back, in my head, "Will You, God?" I instantly knew He meant it. It may be the first time in my life that I genuinely believed that He would still be just as delighted and satisfied with me if I didn't do a good performance. Suddenly my idea of how God sees me and my hope for earthly success separated like cream out of milk (and oh, it's been homogenized for so long!) I could remove my personal needs and emotions from the situation and be hidden in God's love, while at the same time look at the circumstances objectively.
I thought of the trick Amanda shared with me over lunch the other day for overcoming the self conscious fear problem. She said, "When you're in those situations, just ask yourself, 'What is the worst thing that could happen here?' and, 'If it happens, will it kill me?'" I've asked that numerous times in the past few days, and WOW!!! It's amazing how that helps. So I went ahead and asked. And I thought, "You know, the worst that can happen is that I do an inferior job, and Mrs. Castleberry can't hire me after all. I don't want her to be disappointed, and I really want the job, but God, I trust You." It could be much, much worse...I mean, Mrs. Castleberry could be yelling at me (she isn't by any means- she's a very kind lady.)
Soon, Mrs. Castleberry and I struck up a conversation, and before long, I was just putting the pieces in without laboring over it quite so much. By the end of the five and a half hours I was feeling much better about it all. And more than that, there was this special thing with God- a new knowledge that He not only cares about the work, but also about my heart, unconditionally.
"Hearken unto to Me, ye that know righteousness, the people in whose heart is my law; fear not the reproach of men, neither be afraid of their revilings...
I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who art thou, that you shouldst be afraid of a man that shall die, and of the son of man who shall be made like grass,
And forgettest the Lord, thy maker, who hath stretched forth the heavens, and laid the foundations of the earth, and hast feared continually every day because of the fury of the oppressor, as if he were ready to destroy. And where is the fury of the oppressor?
But I am the Lord, thy God who divided the sea, whose waves roared; The Lord of host is his name.
And I have put my words in thy mouth, and have covered thee in the shadow of Mine hand, that I may plant the heavens and lay the foundations and say to Zion, 'Thou art My people.'"
Isaiah 51:7,12-13,15-16
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Russian, Booger Water, and the Impending SAT
Guess what! I can count to 100 in Russian! I've been practicing in the shower every morning. Of course, it's not quite the same feat it would be to memorize 100 Russian nouns or something. Like Barry Farber the language guru would say, I got that one 80% off...100 words for the price of 20, since you only have to know how to count to ten and then count by tens (and how to put them together). It's kind of fun, but boy is it a mouthful!
Ethan continues to delight me with his personal vocabulary. Earlier today, he fingered his nose and then wiped his hand on his shirt (yes, he's just a normal kid) and Dad said, "Ethan, don't wipe boogers on your shirt." "That wasn't a booger," Ethan protested. "It was booger water."
I've been doing some really brave things lately, small random acts of courage that are building my faith, iota by iota. I've been doing things like calling people I don't know very well, starting conversations where I know I'm going to be vulnerable, going places where I know I'm going to feel like hiding. These things make me feel so weak, and I feel like more of a weakling for the fact that they weaken me...but then, it is faith. "Without faith, it is impossible to please God." And so, I keep forcing my eyes upward, putting my hands to the plow, and flirting with the crazy idea that God is pleased with me :)
Yesterday I got my SAT registration form and today I started filling it out. I love filling out forms. I don't know why. And this time, I read ALL THE WAY THROUGH the booklet, just to avoid surprises. The math studying is coming along beautifully. Now if I can figure out how to quell the uncontrollable trembling/summersaulting stomach problems that come over me whenever I get near that high school...
Ethan continues to delight me with his personal vocabulary. Earlier today, he fingered his nose and then wiped his hand on his shirt (yes, he's just a normal kid) and Dad said, "Ethan, don't wipe boogers on your shirt." "That wasn't a booger," Ethan protested. "It was booger water."
I've been doing some really brave things lately, small random acts of courage that are building my faith, iota by iota. I've been doing things like calling people I don't know very well, starting conversations where I know I'm going to be vulnerable, going places where I know I'm going to feel like hiding. These things make me feel so weak, and I feel like more of a weakling for the fact that they weaken me...but then, it is faith. "Without faith, it is impossible to please God." And so, I keep forcing my eyes upward, putting my hands to the plow, and flirting with the crazy idea that God is pleased with me :)
Yesterday I got my SAT registration form and today I started filling it out. I love filling out forms. I don't know why. And this time, I read ALL THE WAY THROUGH the booklet, just to avoid surprises. The math studying is coming along beautifully. Now if I can figure out how to quell the uncontrollable trembling/summersaulting stomach problems that come over me whenever I get near that high school...
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Mandate Musings
I spent this past weekend at the World Mandate missions conference in Waco, and there's so much to write about it that I'm not sure I dare to say anything! Oh well, I have to.
I've developed a special fondness for this conference over the past three years I've been. I feel like I belong there, and even though it's a large crowd, I don't have a problem feeling quite at home because I get the feeling that we're 3000 people who all love Jesus a lot and want nothing more in our heart of hearts than to see Him glorified! And it's fun walking around asking people, "so where do you want to go?" and hearing them say "oh, Djibouti," or "I'm heading to Uzbekistan next month" and things like that. There, it's not weird at all to be heading to Ukraine a year after highschool with no college under my belt. I feel really accepted and encouraged. So, honestly, it's downright fun, and I could have just stayed all week, though I might have passed out from exhaustion. The worship times went on and on...no fussy cut off times at 10. On Saturday night we weren't done till 11:30, and it was wonderful! It's so great to be able to sing REALLY LOUD and just pray out all the prayers that are in my heart, committing the future to God again, and seeking Him, and also lifting up prayers for other people and nations that I wouldn't normally have been thinking about. Then we got encouraged with testimonies from missionaries from Jordan, Indonesia, and Sri Lanka, among other places. Yay!!
Over all, though, the "conference" was about Jesus. This year was the 20th year of World Mandate, and they finally had too many people to fit in the Waco Convention Center any more, so they moved it to the Ferrell Center at Baylor. Consequently, everything was a little different and I was somewhat nervous about the change. When we got seated and noticed the fancy schedule booklets and nifty lights and they started a video celebration the 20 year anniversary, I started silently pleading, "No, please don't let it be a program, just a conference, a show...please let it be genuine, please..." That's what I've loved about past years at the conference- the genuine humility and focus on Christ. I was afraid that some of that might be lost in the transition to a new and "better" place. But then, the lights dimmed, and instead of the usual worship band breaking into loud and glorious worship songs (which are great, by the way,) only the worship leader came out with his guitar and started singing quietly and strumming. Up on the screen was the name "Jesus," and from then on, we spent the evening singing straight to the Lord. Just focusing right on Him. And then, instead of preaching a "missions" message, the pastor preached a message on Jesus :) It was a great start to the weekend, and there was so much peace and unity there. I loved hearing about the work in Muslim countries, and testimonies and all that, but even those things could worry me or confuse me. Focusing on Christ and His worthiness, however, could be nothing but good.
The last session was on Sunday morning, and a pastor spoke about the Church as Christ's body, and how we are not made to go it alone, but to be members of each other. I was pretty convicted about my own attitude at home- how I isolate myself because of shyness, uncertainty, disallusionment, and a critical spirit. He said that "any move that promotes itself at the expense of Christ's bride is not of God." He said that, even if you don't agree with everything in the church, it's not right to sit on the sidelines, that Christ is not reaching the lost through individuals who move out independently, but with members of His body working together and loving each other, and confessing their sins to each other.
It's all a little too much for me to put into words for the public right now, but it's burning in my heart. I'm starting to read the Bible through the eyes of the Bride, His people, rather than just me on my lonesome. The passion He has for His bride is overwhelming to think about when I consider that He's redeemed Israel over and over, and now is so patient with the church and all our brokenness and coldness towards Him.
I hope something out of this made sense. Thoughts seem to tumble out all over the place, and I don't mean to be ultra-spirtual sounding at all! It's just all there milling around in my heart and mind. It isn't just a foofy up-in-the-clouds thing, either. It's starting to change the way I act. It changes the way I see people. It's already making me do things I didn't have the courage or desire to do. It's making me give in a way I didn't think I ever would. It's making me love people in a way I never thought I could love. As God shows me more of His heart, His Holy Spirit starts changing mine. I think one of these days I'm really gonna break out of this box for good!
I've developed a special fondness for this conference over the past three years I've been. I feel like I belong there, and even though it's a large crowd, I don't have a problem feeling quite at home because I get the feeling that we're 3000 people who all love Jesus a lot and want nothing more in our heart of hearts than to see Him glorified! And it's fun walking around asking people, "so where do you want to go?" and hearing them say "oh, Djibouti," or "I'm heading to Uzbekistan next month" and things like that. There, it's not weird at all to be heading to Ukraine a year after highschool with no college under my belt. I feel really accepted and encouraged. So, honestly, it's downright fun, and I could have just stayed all week, though I might have passed out from exhaustion. The worship times went on and on...no fussy cut off times at 10. On Saturday night we weren't done till 11:30, and it was wonderful! It's so great to be able to sing REALLY LOUD and just pray out all the prayers that are in my heart, committing the future to God again, and seeking Him, and also lifting up prayers for other people and nations that I wouldn't normally have been thinking about. Then we got encouraged with testimonies from missionaries from Jordan, Indonesia, and Sri Lanka, among other places. Yay!!
Over all, though, the "conference" was about Jesus. This year was the 20th year of World Mandate, and they finally had too many people to fit in the Waco Convention Center any more, so they moved it to the Ferrell Center at Baylor. Consequently, everything was a little different and I was somewhat nervous about the change. When we got seated and noticed the fancy schedule booklets and nifty lights and they started a video celebration the 20 year anniversary, I started silently pleading, "No, please don't let it be a program, just a conference, a show...please let it be genuine, please..." That's what I've loved about past years at the conference- the genuine humility and focus on Christ. I was afraid that some of that might be lost in the transition to a new and "better" place. But then, the lights dimmed, and instead of the usual worship band breaking into loud and glorious worship songs (which are great, by the way,) only the worship leader came out with his guitar and started singing quietly and strumming. Up on the screen was the name "Jesus," and from then on, we spent the evening singing straight to the Lord. Just focusing right on Him. And then, instead of preaching a "missions" message, the pastor preached a message on Jesus :) It was a great start to the weekend, and there was so much peace and unity there. I loved hearing about the work in Muslim countries, and testimonies and all that, but even those things could worry me or confuse me. Focusing on Christ and His worthiness, however, could be nothing but good.
The last session was on Sunday morning, and a pastor spoke about the Church as Christ's body, and how we are not made to go it alone, but to be members of each other. I was pretty convicted about my own attitude at home- how I isolate myself because of shyness, uncertainty, disallusionment, and a critical spirit. He said that "any move that promotes itself at the expense of Christ's bride is not of God." He said that, even if you don't agree with everything in the church, it's not right to sit on the sidelines, that Christ is not reaching the lost through individuals who move out independently, but with members of His body working together and loving each other, and confessing their sins to each other.
It's all a little too much for me to put into words for the public right now, but it's burning in my heart. I'm starting to read the Bible through the eyes of the Bride, His people, rather than just me on my lonesome. The passion He has for His bride is overwhelming to think about when I consider that He's redeemed Israel over and over, and now is so patient with the church and all our brokenness and coldness towards Him.
I hope something out of this made sense. Thoughts seem to tumble out all over the place, and I don't mean to be ultra-spirtual sounding at all! It's just all there milling around in my heart and mind. It isn't just a foofy up-in-the-clouds thing, either. It's starting to change the way I act. It changes the way I see people. It's already making me do things I didn't have the courage or desire to do. It's making me give in a way I didn't think I ever would. It's making me love people in a way I never thought I could love. As God shows me more of His heart, His Holy Spirit starts changing mine. I think one of these days I'm really gonna break out of this box for good!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I Don't Know From Whence it Came...
Last night I woke up with a raging headache and stumbled into the bathroom to get some Ibuprofen. Outside my windows it was all silvery grey night (well, probably morning, but I didn't check the time) and while I was crawling back under the blankets, I realized that the lines of a poem were rolling around in my head...I just woke up with them...
"I don't know whence it came
From winter or a river..."
I don't know if thos're the exact words, but I thought I recognized them in a book on writing poetry that I read at the library. My first impression was that it was written by some guy named Pablo Neruda. Huh. I don't know why the lines came through. Sleep is does wierd things to people's brains.
I've been trying to find the poem on the internet and failed so far. I think I remember it being a poem about writing poetry though, and that, if I was understanding it correctly, I agreed with the guy. Poetry does come out at odd times from elusive sources, whether you're making it or thinking of it! It's really nagging me now. I want to know the rest of the poem.
Well, as I burrowed my head in the pillow and tried to ignore the headache, I thought how thoughts, not just poetry, blow through on rather unexpected breezes and from all quarters. It amazes me how just the simple articulation of your thoughts and feelings to another person can stir up other thoughts you didn't know you were thinking!
Two such conversations turned my brain upside down and gave it a good shake the other day. One was with Mrs. Burklin, over tea, when we were discussing college, and the next morning was by the fireplace, with Mom, where I was having a meltdown about...well, college. College I'm not going to at the moment, college I had convinced myself I didn't need and didn't want too badly, college I suddenly knew I was longing for.
In conversation #1, I was in midsentence explaining why I wasn't in college and my good reasons for not going when something deep inside hatched out of its shell and started squawking, "But I DO want to go to college!" In conversation #2, I was pouring out how I feel I've worked myself into a corner and how college seems so far off and nearly impossible because of time, money, and preparation. (I did take the SAT once, but for complicated reasons I had to ditch the scores) And Mom said: "Well, why don't you study up on your algebra and go take the SAT before you go to Ukraine?" That idea had never occurred to me before, and it struck me as a very good one. I would never trade going to Ukraine for anything- I'm very glad I'm going, I'm thrilled about it in fact, and have been certain it's what God has led me to do for now. But I was just as excited that college is not such a hard door to pry open anyhow. It will take waiting and a lot of faith to believe for all the details, and I'll need to know it's what God wants. But it's possible. Quite possible.
I know that none of the time has been wasted. My mind and heart have changed a whole lot in the past six months or so, and I wouldn't have been ready to start college back in the fall. Now, if I do it, I will actually have reasons for it. Funny how everyone who's older than you always says "Oh, the time just passes so fast. Four years is no big deal." Huh. It's a HUGE deal to me! I know that what they're saying is true, from hindsight, but right here, right now, it takes a huge step of faith for me to trust God enough to even commit to trying for a four year degree. Not to mention spending who knows how long in a foreign country beforehand! Ok, I mean, you might be saying, what does she have to lose? But, trust me, it's a faith thing.
So, I don't know from whence it came...this idea...but by the joy and peace and the sudden eagerness to tackle Algebra, I think it must be from God. (The Algebra part is most definitely a miraculous phenomenon no human could power could account for!)
It's funny, just when I start being happy to rest contentedly without trying to plan out the rest of my life, God gives me a vision I didn't think I had the strength to believe for.
"I don't know whence it came
From winter or a river..."
I don't know if thos're the exact words, but I thought I recognized them in a book on writing poetry that I read at the library. My first impression was that it was written by some guy named Pablo Neruda. Huh. I don't know why the lines came through. Sleep is does wierd things to people's brains.
I've been trying to find the poem on the internet and failed so far. I think I remember it being a poem about writing poetry though, and that, if I was understanding it correctly, I agreed with the guy. Poetry does come out at odd times from elusive sources, whether you're making it or thinking of it! It's really nagging me now. I want to know the rest of the poem.
Well, as I burrowed my head in the pillow and tried to ignore the headache, I thought how thoughts, not just poetry, blow through on rather unexpected breezes and from all quarters. It amazes me how just the simple articulation of your thoughts and feelings to another person can stir up other thoughts you didn't know you were thinking!
Two such conversations turned my brain upside down and gave it a good shake the other day. One was with Mrs. Burklin, over tea, when we were discussing college, and the next morning was by the fireplace, with Mom, where I was having a meltdown about...well, college. College I'm not going to at the moment, college I had convinced myself I didn't need and didn't want too badly, college I suddenly knew I was longing for.
In conversation #1, I was in midsentence explaining why I wasn't in college and my good reasons for not going when something deep inside hatched out of its shell and started squawking, "But I DO want to go to college!" In conversation #2, I was pouring out how I feel I've worked myself into a corner and how college seems so far off and nearly impossible because of time, money, and preparation. (I did take the SAT once, but for complicated reasons I had to ditch the scores) And Mom said: "Well, why don't you study up on your algebra and go take the SAT before you go to Ukraine?" That idea had never occurred to me before, and it struck me as a very good one. I would never trade going to Ukraine for anything- I'm very glad I'm going, I'm thrilled about it in fact, and have been certain it's what God has led me to do for now. But I was just as excited that college is not such a hard door to pry open anyhow. It will take waiting and a lot of faith to believe for all the details, and I'll need to know it's what God wants. But it's possible. Quite possible.
I know that none of the time has been wasted. My mind and heart have changed a whole lot in the past six months or so, and I wouldn't have been ready to start college back in the fall. Now, if I do it, I will actually have reasons for it. Funny how everyone who's older than you always says "Oh, the time just passes so fast. Four years is no big deal." Huh. It's a HUGE deal to me! I know that what they're saying is true, from hindsight, but right here, right now, it takes a huge step of faith for me to trust God enough to even commit to trying for a four year degree. Not to mention spending who knows how long in a foreign country beforehand! Ok, I mean, you might be saying, what does she have to lose? But, trust me, it's a faith thing.
So, I don't know from whence it came...this idea...but by the joy and peace and the sudden eagerness to tackle Algebra, I think it must be from God. (The Algebra part is most definitely a miraculous phenomenon no human could power could account for!)
It's funny, just when I start being happy to rest contentedly without trying to plan out the rest of my life, God gives me a vision I didn't think I had the strength to believe for.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Miss Iron Stomach Admits Defeat
Today I realized that there are just some foods (and drinks!) I DO NOT LIKE. I've been in denial, and in fact keep right on trying to eat/drink them even though it's a grueling chore. I think it's my pride. I wouldn't want to mar my little "eat everything on your plate" identity. It used to be the "picky eater" identity, that is, I insisted that chicken and eggs made me feel crummy. Well, they did, at the time. But it might have been largely psychological. Nowadays, perhaps dating from the missions trip to Hong Kong where I discovered I could probably out-experiment anybody trying chicken feet and all that good stuff, I make a point of eating whatever interesting comestibles come my way. I sort of consider it a sight seeing/educational experience.
But ok, I have my limits. Today I discovered, once and for all, that one of those limits is orange juice. Ugh. I needed a quick energy boost this afternoon, and I thought "Juice!" (I usually don't drink juice at all, and we don't normally keep it around. We're a milk family, mostly.) Since Mattie was sick, we had both apple and orange on hand. I thought that orange juice sounded more peppy and potassiumy and all that good stuff, so, even though I don't particularly like orange juice, I poured up a big glass. Then I spent the next five minutes gulping unreasonable quantities of it down at few-second intervals, trying not to feel it or taste it! Not only was I so cold that my fingernails were turning blue, and the juice was fresh out of the fridge, but the juice itself rolled down like battery acid and bored a frozen hole in my unsuspecting gut. Poor little tummy, it just didn't know what hit it. I'm happy to say that there were no unseemly eruptions, but it finally dawned on me-- I really don't like orange juice. Or soda water (by itself). Or raw cauliflower. Or sushi.
Once and for all, Miss Iron Stomach admits defeat.
But ok, I have my limits. Today I discovered, once and for all, that one of those limits is orange juice. Ugh. I needed a quick energy boost this afternoon, and I thought "Juice!" (I usually don't drink juice at all, and we don't normally keep it around. We're a milk family, mostly.) Since Mattie was sick, we had both apple and orange on hand. I thought that orange juice sounded more peppy and potassiumy and all that good stuff, so, even though I don't particularly like orange juice, I poured up a big glass. Then I spent the next five minutes gulping unreasonable quantities of it down at few-second intervals, trying not to feel it or taste it! Not only was I so cold that my fingernails were turning blue, and the juice was fresh out of the fridge, but the juice itself rolled down like battery acid and bored a frozen hole in my unsuspecting gut. Poor little tummy, it just didn't know what hit it. I'm happy to say that there were no unseemly eruptions, but it finally dawned on me-- I really don't like orange juice. Or soda water (by itself). Or raw cauliflower. Or sushi.
Once and for all, Miss Iron Stomach admits defeat.
Monday, January 14, 2008
A Quicky
Yes...Yay...hallelujah! I can post again! The last few days I've been experiencing little attacks of annoyance/panic that blogger wouldn't let me post on my own blog. But it's shaped up again.
I have to be honest, God is just so crazily good to me. Pouring out my heart to him when I'm afraid or in pain is such a comforting thing. I get scared about the future, and people, and desires, and all sorts of things, and He just reels me right back in to rest on His chest. Yay for God.
"Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint."
Is. 40 something.
Got to go eat chicken...
I have to be honest, God is just so crazily good to me. Pouring out my heart to him when I'm afraid or in pain is such a comforting thing. I get scared about the future, and people, and desires, and all sorts of things, and He just reels me right back in to rest on His chest. Yay for God.
"Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint."
Is. 40 something.
Got to go eat chicken...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Getting Giddy
Ukraine is becoming more and more of a reality to me, and it's making me giddy!
Today I came waltzing into Mom's room to relay some new facts about Ukraine I'd learned from a library book over my peanut butter-banana breakfast shake. She was trying to get ready to go somewhere, and as usual, I was bobbing hither and thither trying to squeeze in snatches of what I was trying to say as she went around trying to cope. There was dramatic hand movement, half sentences, etc. Finally she laughed and said:
"Cassie, you're so giddy, you'd think you were talking about some boy!"
Well, what can I say? I do have butterflies, but this is certainly a different matter!
Yesterday, I was at JC Penney's hunting around for something to buy with a $10 voucher after a Christmas present exchange. I was poking around in the sweaters and socks, wondering what wintery clothes I could find to "prepare." Until now, I've been at a loss about starting to actually get things together to go, and I've kind of held Ukraine in general at arms distance. Sure, I've been excited about going all along. But it's not like all the other countries I've gotten giddy over, that I looked up and read about myself. This one just came in the bargain when I agreed to go with the Crowes. I'm looking forward to meeting people and building relationships, but now there is even something more. I don't know how to describe it.
Actually, the funny thought that occured to me while I was browsing through the scrumptiously warm long socks, was that it's kind of like a "nesting instinct" if I could venture to call it that...like a new mother wanting to prepare a nursery for her child, or a mother bird finding straw to build a nest. I'm always going to be a homebody, but I guess home is going to be something I "take with me" and create where ever I am at the time, with whatever I have.
I'm not worried about the material needs and wants for the journey. It's too complicated and overwhelming to me at this point to know what I will take or leave, and after all, I'll only be there a year or two (I think!), so I'm not too preoccupied with it right now. I just have this sense that, more than anything, there's a heart shift going on as the new year begins, preparing me to go forth.
Later on maybe I'll post some of the cool stuff I found out about my "new country." :)
Today I came waltzing into Mom's room to relay some new facts about Ukraine I'd learned from a library book over my peanut butter-banana breakfast shake. She was trying to get ready to go somewhere, and as usual, I was bobbing hither and thither trying to squeeze in snatches of what I was trying to say as she went around trying to cope. There was dramatic hand movement, half sentences, etc. Finally she laughed and said:
"Cassie, you're so giddy, you'd think you were talking about some boy!"
Well, what can I say? I do have butterflies, but this is certainly a different matter!
Yesterday, I was at JC Penney's hunting around for something to buy with a $10 voucher after a Christmas present exchange. I was poking around in the sweaters and socks, wondering what wintery clothes I could find to "prepare." Until now, I've been at a loss about starting to actually get things together to go, and I've kind of held Ukraine in general at arms distance. Sure, I've been excited about going all along. But it's not like all the other countries I've gotten giddy over, that I looked up and read about myself. This one just came in the bargain when I agreed to go with the Crowes. I'm looking forward to meeting people and building relationships, but now there is even something more. I don't know how to describe it.
Actually, the funny thought that occured to me while I was browsing through the scrumptiously warm long socks, was that it's kind of like a "nesting instinct" if I could venture to call it that...like a new mother wanting to prepare a nursery for her child, or a mother bird finding straw to build a nest. I'm always going to be a homebody, but I guess home is going to be something I "take with me" and create where ever I am at the time, with whatever I have.
I'm not worried about the material needs and wants for the journey. It's too complicated and overwhelming to me at this point to know what I will take or leave, and after all, I'll only be there a year or two (I think!), so I'm not too preoccupied with it right now. I just have this sense that, more than anything, there's a heart shift going on as the new year begins, preparing me to go forth.
Later on maybe I'll post some of the cool stuff I found out about my "new country." :)
The Truth About Me
You just don't know the truth about yourself until you hear it from the mouth of a child. In a world where, out of mere discretion, polite adults and teens do not go around airing their opinions about you, a touch of out-of-the-box frankness is refreshing now and then. Or at least funny, even if it's not altogether true ;)
This is just a sampling of the quaint little bluntnesses I've heard over the past year or so with Broderic, Bronwyn, & co.
"You, know, Bronwyn and I noticed that you go to the bathroom a whole lot when you're at our house."
"Your earrings look like little light bulbs."
"We like it when heavy people like you jump on the trampoline with us."
"I can't BELIEVE you wore that hat. That is SO embarressing!"
"That is SO WIERD how that little bone moves up and down on your neck when you're reading."
"Your hair smells like peaches."
"Why do you ALWAYS wear that shirt?"
Too bad I can't think of more. Those kids are too funny. They say more I never know what is going to happen next. They say a lot of sweet things, too, and always keep me stocked up on hugs, so I can take a little spice too :)
This is just a sampling of the quaint little bluntnesses I've heard over the past year or so with Broderic, Bronwyn, & co.
"You, know, Bronwyn and I noticed that you go to the bathroom a whole lot when you're at our house."
"Your earrings look like little light bulbs."
"We like it when heavy people like you jump on the trampoline with us."
"I can't BELIEVE you wore that hat. That is SO embarressing!"
"That is SO WIERD how that little bone moves up and down on your neck when you're reading."
"Your hair smells like peaches."
"Why do you ALWAYS wear that shirt?"
Too bad I can't think of more. Those kids are too funny. They say more I never know what is going to happen next. They say a lot of sweet things, too, and always keep me stocked up on hugs, so I can take a little spice too :)
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The Crazed Muddle
Going to a family restaurant for a meal is not supposed to be R-rated. But after the words we heard and the skin we saw tonight, I was wondering! Eeek! I don't even watch movies like that.
Mom, Mattie, Ethan, and I went to Cheddar's for a supper together with a Christmas gift certificate. The emotions that come over me at a time like that are startling. Initially it's embarressment, then repulsion, mixed with a sense of being kind of shabby and second rate compared to those scary noisy flaunting people. But then, compassion breaks in, and then the Real Truth sufaces- that I am going to lift my head and smile and be a Different Sort of Girl, even if nobody in all that crazed muddle cares. Someone somewhere will care, and God will care, and He says we are "Like stars shining in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." (Phil. 2:10 I think.) Oh anyway. I don't know why I impulsively wrote all that.
It smells...mmm...humid tonight. There was such a drastic weather change yesterday and now it feels like a muggy spring night and sounds like crickets. My feet didn't know what to think to be in flip flops.
Mom, Mattie, Ethan, and I went to Cheddar's for a supper together with a Christmas gift certificate. The emotions that come over me at a time like that are startling. Initially it's embarressment, then repulsion, mixed with a sense of being kind of shabby and second rate compared to those scary noisy flaunting people. But then, compassion breaks in, and then the Real Truth sufaces- that I am going to lift my head and smile and be a Different Sort of Girl, even if nobody in all that crazed muddle cares. Someone somewhere will care, and God will care, and He says we are "Like stars shining in the universe as you hold out the word of life..." (Phil. 2:10 I think.) Oh anyway. I don't know why I impulsively wrote all that.
It smells...mmm...humid tonight. There was such a drastic weather change yesterday and now it feels like a muggy spring night and sounds like crickets. My feet didn't know what to think to be in flip flops.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Rest for the Soul
Today I rested my soul.
Grammie took me to the Norton Art Museum in Shreveport, and we wandered around in a very quiet building inhabiting different worlds. Every painting was a fresh invitation- "Come live with me." I got pulled in head first, and I loved it! My eyes drank up every delicate stroke, every nut brown eyelash, every aquamarine ripple. I was drenched, rested, blessed. Every gaze at a new picture was like a prayer to God. My eyes felt full. It made me yearn for something intangible . It caused me to marvel at a God who would let a man "create" this kind of beauty with a free will that might just try to take the glory for himself.
One of my favorites was actually in black and white, an interminably deep forest hung with vines and shadows, secret and almost holy in a way, because it looked as if no one had been there before. The trees and a cliff in the background seemed to stretch so far up in the sky and were so closed and dense, with just a frail patch of light sifting into the gloom. Now I wish we'd just stayed in one room, soaking up each painting for a full 20 minutes or so to catch every velvet sheen of a cow's back, every creeping forest shadow. I just marvel that anyone is able to recreate reality on a piece of paper like that, with such perfection and faithfulness. I'm jealous.
I left the museum feeling settled inside, and somehow more beautiful myself, for having looked at such beauty.
Grammie took me to the Norton Art Museum in Shreveport, and we wandered around in a very quiet building inhabiting different worlds. Every painting was a fresh invitation- "Come live with me." I got pulled in head first, and I loved it! My eyes drank up every delicate stroke, every nut brown eyelash, every aquamarine ripple. I was drenched, rested, blessed. Every gaze at a new picture was like a prayer to God. My eyes felt full. It made me yearn for something intangible . It caused me to marvel at a God who would let a man "create" this kind of beauty with a free will that might just try to take the glory for himself.
One of my favorites was actually in black and white, an interminably deep forest hung with vines and shadows, secret and almost holy in a way, because it looked as if no one had been there before. The trees and a cliff in the background seemed to stretch so far up in the sky and were so closed and dense, with just a frail patch of light sifting into the gloom. Now I wish we'd just stayed in one room, soaking up each painting for a full 20 minutes or so to catch every velvet sheen of a cow's back, every creeping forest shadow. I just marvel that anyone is able to recreate reality on a piece of paper like that, with such perfection and faithfulness. I'm jealous.
I left the museum feeling settled inside, and somehow more beautiful myself, for having looked at such beauty.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Sharing Chewed-Up Crayons
Happy New Year!!! I like it that '08 is here. When the new year arrived, we were engaged in a crazy long game of Mexican Train Dominoes at the Reynold's house. I was the youngest at the table and everybody else was yawning massively and congratulating each other on staying up so late...but then, I may have been younger but I'm not accustomed to late nights myself. In any case, it was a pleasant time (though I lost BADLY) and it definitely beat last New Year's, when I went to bed at 2:00 am with the flu!
I feel like I have some blogging to catch up on. I spent the night with Lauren and Gracie a few nights ago, and we said a lot of interesting things (what else would you expect from three such sophisticated and enlightened personages?) and Lauren and I steered Gracie toward insanity analyzing ourselves and human nature and the cosmos in general. Why do we do it? (Analyze, I mean) I don't know. Analytical people NEED other analytical people sometimes, that's all I know, or they would go crazy too. I mean, you have to know that someone else Feels the Same Way sometimes, or the world gets awefully lonely.
We also need Gracie desperately, to keep us from analyzing ourselves into little wads of expired braincells. I love you terribly, Gracie :) Please, never feel wierd for not necessarily being weird in the all the same ways other people are. You are who God made you to be, and I'm glad you break the molds of all my snotty little stereotypes- to the dump with them! Not sure if that says what I meant it to say...
Despite all our analyzing, Gracie was the one who came out with the quote of the hour. Lauren started talking about Facebook and how she had started an account recently so that she could keep in touch with her friends from Excel. I coaxed her into showing it to me, if for nothing more than cultural enrichment. I'd heard about Facebook, but never actually seen it, and I hate the idea of wandering around in cyberspatial ignorance for the rest of my days. There is still a vast swamp of ignorance out there for me to wallow in.
So, Lauren kindly enlightened me. Gracie looked on with some disdain while we discussed how many "friends" Lauren had, and what online "presents" she could give them, and all the other quirky wonders of Facebook. Then she finally said, "Facebook is just a bunch of first graders giving each other their chewed-up crayons!"
As my "fieldtrip" came to an end, I concluded that I wasn't going to draw any conclusions about whether Facebook is a good or bad life investment. Everyone has a different life. Blogger is best for me at the moment :)
The niftiest thing about Facebook was the spot for quotes...I think that's great. I'll have to rig something up on my blog for quotes. Hmm.
I feel like I have some blogging to catch up on. I spent the night with Lauren and Gracie a few nights ago, and we said a lot of interesting things (what else would you expect from three such sophisticated and enlightened personages?) and Lauren and I steered Gracie toward insanity analyzing ourselves and human nature and the cosmos in general. Why do we do it? (Analyze, I mean) I don't know. Analytical people NEED other analytical people sometimes, that's all I know, or they would go crazy too. I mean, you have to know that someone else Feels the Same Way sometimes, or the world gets awefully lonely.
We also need Gracie desperately, to keep us from analyzing ourselves into little wads of expired braincells. I love you terribly, Gracie :) Please, never feel wierd for not necessarily being weird in the all the same ways other people are. You are who God made you to be, and I'm glad you break the molds of all my snotty little stereotypes- to the dump with them! Not sure if that says what I meant it to say...
Despite all our analyzing, Gracie was the one who came out with the quote of the hour. Lauren started talking about Facebook and how she had started an account recently so that she could keep in touch with her friends from Excel. I coaxed her into showing it to me, if for nothing more than cultural enrichment. I'd heard about Facebook, but never actually seen it, and I hate the idea of wandering around in cyberspatial ignorance for the rest of my days. There is still a vast swamp of ignorance out there for me to wallow in.
So, Lauren kindly enlightened me. Gracie looked on with some disdain while we discussed how many "friends" Lauren had, and what online "presents" she could give them, and all the other quirky wonders of Facebook. Then she finally said, "Facebook is just a bunch of first graders giving each other their chewed-up crayons!"
As my "fieldtrip" came to an end, I concluded that I wasn't going to draw any conclusions about whether Facebook is a good or bad life investment. Everyone has a different life. Blogger is best for me at the moment :)
The niftiest thing about Facebook was the spot for quotes...I think that's great. I'll have to rig something up on my blog for quotes. Hmm.
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