A Memo from the Dungeon

I have a hard time concentrating on writing when I'm listening to music. Argh. I'm typing this on my laptop in Connor's room because he needs someone to keep him company in "the Dungeon." Doing schoolwork. He thrives while listening to music, whereas it cuts my academic productivity by at least 50%, even if I like the music. First we were listening to Desperation Band, and then the newest Caedmon's Call CD, which has ended up driving us both crazy.

"Two weeks, and we all can feel the calling
To make the world a little smaller
So a girl got on a plane..."

All the Caedmon's Call music does, besides distract me, is remind how much I want to go on a missions trip this Spring Break. But I'm thinking it may simply be a selfish seeking for a reason to "escape" normal life and the struggles of pressing into God. It's a little wierd to put it like that, maybe. I have such a desire to go that it's like I need a calling to stay sometimes. It's harder to stay and be the prayer support or the one who "holds down the fort." Last year I stayed home because I felt like the continual short term missions trips were kind of rupturing my life too much. All that picking up and going and making relationships and leaving them again and coming home and adjusting...it kind of hurts. And then my consistency of seeking God is interrupted by the "high" and subsequent low.

And schedule is a question, since I think I have a job now. Mrs. Castleberry said "see you on Monday," so I don't know if that means I'm hired or what. Anyway, I can trust that God sees my heart and my desires. It seems that His clearest, most audible direction to me when I'm asking Him about missions trips is when He says no. It's like Chris Rice says, "I'd take no for an answer just to know I heard you speak." Just knowing He cares is enough, and He's assured me of that.

I have to ask, though, is it selfish to seek fellowship with other people, sharing a similar heart and purpose? That's probably my honest reason for wanting to go. Huh. I just want to follow God in company. Not alone. So I don't believe the desire is wrong, but the Lord still might have some reasons He wants me to be here. Reasons I readily submit to.

"Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine
To do what You will...

I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what you will
I'm ready now..." (Desp. Band)

Yeah. He's so good.

Today I did some unusual things (for me). The first was eating sausage links and old cake for breakfast (ok, that's probably weird for most people).

And then, this afternoon, I played basketball with Mattie and Connor. We needed exercise. It was sort of fun to be a little agressive, since it was just my brother to play against. Waxing a little athletic there, *haha,* even if I dribbled with two hands and was winded in five minutes. Gasp. My heart usually doesn't pound like that except for expressly emotional reasons :)

Then we (Mattie, Ethan, and I) rolled down the big hill. I haven't done that in a long time, and it wasn't as miserable as I anticipated. In fact, it would have been quite a delight if the world hadn't kept spinning for five minutes afterward :) Which also usually only happens for expressly emotional reasons. Blah.

Mattie and I are going to spend the night next door at my grandparents' house tonight. (They're gone and said we could invite someone over and have a slumber party there if we wanted...how sweet). So we asked Bailey and Emma over. It will be fun. Games, giggles, movies, munchies...hopefully a little sleep thrown in there as well. I'm lookign forward to spending a little time with Bailey, since I don't see her that much. Of course, I also don't spend that much time with my own sister...so that will be good to be with her too!