Sword and a Flame

Here I am, sipping the sweet, gritty goodness of coffee from Connor's French press. A hint of cool breeze is coming in through the open windows, bringing a fresh dusting green fairy dust with it, I'm sure. Not the kind that makes you fly. Sneeze, yes. Fly, no. If it could, we'd be fluttering all over the countryside this season.

But it's night now, and after a very green day, I can't see the pollen anymore. I just hear the crickets, which remind me that it's spring and it's humid again and that in the morning the whole world will glow green again.

I'm full of questions for the future. For right now. I'm glad God knows me so well. I'm glad He's not surprised by the revelations popping up in my heart. They're news to me. Not to Him.

What have you called me to do, God?
What really matters in life?
Why does the world seem to center around making money?
What place does it have in the Kingdom?
What if I'm dreaming too small?
Have I just been playing around till now?
Did I really think having "good" dreams meant that God wouldn't need to do anything drastic to shake me up?

God has questions for me, too. They cut straight to the heart. They hurt.

"Do you love me more than these?
These things?
These dreams?
These people?"
"Will you obey Me?"
"Do you really think I won't provide for you?"
"Will you really care about what I care about?"
"Who will go for me?"

I thought being called was a call to somewhere. I guess I thought it was going to fit in with my dreams. I always thought since my dreams are good dreams, God would just use them for His purposes. But I suppose I've used those to justify avoiding the messy business of surrender.

I've offered a general offering of my life with a somewhat conditional "yes". Yes, if I can finish school. Yes, if I can get married. Yes, if I get to have kids and a home of sorts. Yes, if I can teach or write or live here or there or minister to these kinds of people.

Did I think God would be satisfied with my "Yes, if?" I wasn't even aware I was Yes-Iffing, but this week God's been slicing me open with what seems to be a double edged sword of love and fire. Burn me God, I prayed...He's kindled a flame, but it hasn't completely done its work.

Where the world wants a job description, God looks for obedience. Where the world seeks degrees and positions, God's eyes rove the earth looking for someone who passes the test of faith. When the world asks for future plans, God looks right in the eye and asks, "Are you doing my will this minute?"

Do the wheres and hows of the future matter as much as obeying one step at a time? Does anything really matter but to work honestly with our brains and hands, find people to love, pray, and walk with in community, and learn to constantly speak out the truth of Jesus to those who don't know yet?

I told God I was sorry for taking some sort of smug security in this spiritual sounding calling I had in mind. Not that He hasn't been leading me to do certain things, particularly this summer, which I will share more about later...but my pride has been a bit slapped around this weekend and I realize that God, well, God should get what He deserves from me. An unconditional yes, every minute. Ready response to His spirit in an ever-changing world. If my plans for next year change tomorrow, I need to be okay with that.

God whisked Philip right up and took him to the Ethiopian's chariot because that's where He wanted him that day, and I somehow doubt that was in Philip's five-year plan.

One of the crazy prophet dudes had to lay on his side for three years eating only bread baked over dung. I'm sure that felt weird for him. It was probably not the fulfillment of one of his cherished dreams. What counts is that he did it.

Was Jesus in love with the idea of being crucified naked? I doubt it. I do know that He was in love with the whole human race, and that His intense love carried Him through that horrendous experience in perfect obedience.

The more I pray, the more real I become. I need to go pray some more, though. I am asking Him to burn me with His fire. The more I stand before Him, inviting His gaze, the more of my playacting He strips off, the more cute scrapbooks in my mind he rips up.

"Do you love me?" He wants to know. And I do so love Him. It's quite an experience loving Someone who loves me so deeply and yet has no qualms revealing my deepest flaws. If His love is going to plunge into the depths, it's going to cleanse the depths so He can dwell with me.

So may the questions continue, may the fire not go out until my life here is through. And in the end, I hope to be found faithful.