The Wheel Keeps Turning!

I am a baffled child learning heaven's cycle of Hope, Waiting, Surrender, and then Hope again.

I was on the way to the mailbox three days ago, talking with God along the surrender and direction thread. "I know I never have to worry, but help me..." I told Him. The flowers bursting from everywhere with no want for beauty and provision remind me of this every day, that golden evening being no exception.

I opened the box with a faint throb of curiosity, and pulled out an envelope with the circular blue logo I'd been hoping to see for weeks now. Tearing it open like a long-awaited Christmas present, I scanned the top line, which read:

"Congratulations! It is my pleasure to inform you that you have been selected for admission to Berea College for Fall 2010..."

I went home trembling with good news. I told my family. I called my grandparents. A renewed sense of God's customized love for me and gentleness flooded my heart. Yes, it felt warm and fuzzy!

It's not that all my hopes have been set on going to Berea. In fact, college is a goal I've been learning how to deal with in the surrender department. It seems that just when you excavate your heart deep enough to find the treasure of desire, you're called to go and sell it.

I'll try to make this long story short.

Last year I figured out I really wanted to go to college, not just because everyone else is, but because I love to learn.

Last year I also started attending community college here when I returned from Ukraine. It wasn't Harvard, but it was a start!

I began searching for a 4-year school to transfer to, but the cost of tuition, room, and board was frightening. In conviction, faith, and a considerable amount of naivety, I determined that I didn't want to wade into a slough of debt in order to go to college. Especially when I didn't have a desire to make money in the first place.

I wanted to purpose to be as financially free as possible so I'd be free to go where ever God might take me. I might not have a penny to my name, but I wouldn't have to spend years saving pennies for Sallie Mae, either. I prayed that God would make a way for me, all the while wondering if this was stupidity, pride, or just part of Cassie-dream-land!

In the fall, while searching online, I discovered Berea College, in Berea, Kentucky. The school is a private college that provides free tuition (worth $25,000 per year) to their students!

I trembled and choked my way through the website as I saw the character and personality of the college. Too good to be true! Study abroad opportunities, a small school with huge diversity, Christian foundations from a man of intense faith and love for Jesus and people (John G. Fee), emphasis on art, the tranquility of a small Appalachian town...what more could I ask?

So I started applying, and after a snow-graced visit to Berea in January, I was even more hungry for the chance to go. I was also a little daunted by the news that Berea only accepts 30 of every 300 transfer students that apply. The heart of the school is to provide quality education for those who don't have the money, and I certainly qualified in that department, but that still didn't guarantee anything in a crowd of 300.

What to do next? My only other option seemed to be attending a state college in great state of Texas, though that idea really didn't quicken my pulse. I was a little lethargic about looking into other colleges, hoping so hard for Berea.

At first, the challenge was, "Will you hope for it?" But when I had practiced that assignment for a while, God gave me another. "Will you surrender it?"

The days and weeks passed, and the mailbox remained forlorn and empty. As my roots deepened here, I wondered, is it right for me to go away? Does God have different plans for me to deepen in prayer at my church, where good seeds seem to be coming up? Am I betraying His gospel when time is so short, when lost souls are right outside the door?

The letter kept delaying and delaying, and well-meaning friends and relatives were always asking about it. But there was no way they could see the earth-moving equipment rumbling around in my heart as God created a landscape where my desires to go to college were open and bare before Him.

And now, the letter has come. And I take this as confirmation from the Lord that I'm to go to this beautiful place where I can learn and grow and expand. I hold it very loosely. With Mary, I'm saying, "Let it be to me as you have said!"

I've been skimming though John Eldredge's book lately, thanks to Brett and Pam (when two friends encourage you from the same book, it's time to pick it up), and found a quote that describes this loosened grasp:

"Desire is still present, felt, welcomed even. But the will to secure is made subject to the divine will in an act of abandoned trust." pg. 193

And this sums up my story. As the my "will to secure" goes down to the dust, the wheel of God's will is turning to lift my hopes up toward the sun. And who can tell the joy that awaits when this cart gets Where It's Going?