Thoughts from a crazed and desperate (but pretty happy) girl

It's raining deliciously outside and I'm curled up in bed under a downy comforter at the Gollan's. As I said in an email earlier, life the past few days has been pretty taxing, but today felt more like an adventure. Not a big earth shaking adventure, just a day of expectancy and the sense that I don't know what will happen next, but it's going to be ok.

I honestly thought I was flexible until I came here. And then I realized I totally had myself fooled. Time has a way of slipping along here so that you can easily have only finished breakfast by 9 or 10. Then around 10:30 it's time to fix coffee for the worker(s), and of course coffee sounds so good to everybody else that out come the little orange cups...and the coffee...and tea...and hot chocolate mix...and milk...and sugar...and then you clean it all up again (maybe) And then suddenly it's 12 and nobody's thought about lunch, and the Russian teacher's coming in an hour.

This was the case today, and Deb needed to pick Sveta up and run to the store, so suddenly I was whipping out chicken noodle soup in record time...unplanned...unprecedented...I don't know how to make chicken soup, but I suppose there's not a wrong way. I dumped in so many noodles and potatos and veggies and chicken it ended up being a big pot of mush, but it was so comfortingly warm that no one complained :) As she was rushing out the door, Deb came and hugged me and thanked me, with some comment about the craziness. I said,

"Half the time I love it, and half the time I'm pulling my hair out!" (almost literally) and she laughed and said,

"It's great preparation for motherhood!"

Yeah, it's preparing me for something crazy, that's for sure. I'm slowly learning to plan, but be ready to abandon plans at a moment's notice without looking back. I have a new sympathy for Lot's wife...hey, she just wanted her security. But nope. When God says go, we have to be quick. Do I really need to be right? To be certain? To be safe in my bubble? Gee, would I make a great pillar of salt.

I fight for sanity in a house where nothing has a belonging place because there are no closets and no shelves, besides the kitchen ones. I spend a whole lot of time looking for things, often things that don't belong to me. They usually belong to people under three feet tall who are old enough to use then but not old enough to remember where they left them. I know this isn't easy for Deb, either. You wouldn't believe how giddy she gets over the thought of shelves...unless you were here, that is :)

It takes a lot of energy, thought, and constant attention, not to mention mass quanitities of grub, to simply fuel six active kids. (All boys but one). It strikes me as odd, but probably the greatest satisfaction I find in the little jobs I do throughout the day is in feeding these little men. This morning as I was frying Clark (2 yrs) his second egg, he held up his little red bowl and said, "Man, I love eggs!" We eat eggs by the carton full around here, so all morning this morning it was two eggs and a toast for so and so, another batch for so and so and a tea for so and so...but I find great delight lurking in there somewhere :) I think I'd rather be in the kitchen than anywhere else, though I know that will come as a great surprise to my Mom...

In a lot of ways I'm enjoying this, but it's also really hard. Deb had a great talk with me the other day just helping me know a little more of her perspective on me being here, and that really helped me feel more secure. I'm glad that we had that communication. Although things are good relationally, the bottom line is that I'm in a foreign country with a family that isn't the family I've lived with for nineteen years, and no matter how glad I am to be here, I have a lot to work through. It's comforting to know that nobody can possibly have as many problems with me as I have with myself :)

I'm embarressed at how badly I handle stress. I so want to be this serene, peaceful, joyful, lifegiving, vibrant young woman, but when the least little pressure comes, I want to cave in. I've noticed a pattern, that when I am under pressure (usually an imagined one) or doing something I don't really want to do or know how to do, I instantly feel drained and my head starts aching. It's instant. It's in my head, I guess, but it literally affectes my body. So I'm wondering how to combat that. It sounds like something I should have grown out of when I was 8. ("I can't clean the dishes, I have a tummy ache!") Yeah. I keep thinking of that verse in Romans 8 that says "He will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit which dwells in you..." So I guess I have to stand on that and keep pressing forward.

I'm thankful for really good sleep. I've been sleeping really well, probably thanks to the cold weather and warm blankets. I do get so exhausted by the end of the day though...around 8 I'm the yawn factory. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of venturing out of the house (or one of my two adopted houses) I guess doubly so because it's cold and raining.

So, I'm really laying it out here, guys. I hope this isn't too complainy...I'm just telling what's going on with me. It's not bad necessarily. I'm confident that God is working and maybe the intensity of that is what's making me so tired out. But you could just pray for continued grace while I'm learning these life lessons. The biggest temptation I have is to fall into thinking "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just get over it? Why am I tired all the time?" and then I start shrinking into a tight little ball of anxiety, and it's downhill from there.

This afternoon I spent with the Gollan kids while Daniel and Priscilla were away. It's fun being around little girls for a change. They're just so different from boys...easier in some ways and harder in others. I haven't painted such little nails or heard such shrill screams in quite a long time...

We watched 101 Dalmations in the cubby the kids had made. It was warm in there, and I almost fell asleep with a bowl of popcorn on my stomach, smelling Ellie's sweet hair shampoo. Mmm. We heated leftovers and the girls made a salad for supper, and I enjoyed sitting down to a meal together, having conversation...it's fun to talk with kids. Jess explained that he likes to argue for fun and that he wants to be president someday. Marie said she doesn't want to give up her last name when she gets married because she's proud of her family name. Angel informed me that she doesn't like meat, and ate her spaghetti with ketchup instead. Ellie didn't say much, except that she needed a glass of water, which she gulped down to assuage the trauma of eating vegetables.

So tomorrow is a new day, and I'll probably go early to market in the rain. Don't know yet if I'll be walking or riding. It's supposed to rain for the next week, I think. It's sort of inconvenient, but other than that I love it.

I bid you all da svydanya...

Busy-ish Days

Good gracious sakes...life is a cheeky beast. The past few days have been so full...I'm not sure how they got that way, but they did.

It's been chilly and rainy probably since I wrote last, and I've had countless cups of tea and coffee. I pretty much alternate, with a slight favor toward coffee...

I've been staying at the Gollans but coming up to the Crowes usually sometime before noon and going back around 9 at night. The school schedule is on hold at the moment since grandparents are here and Uncle Neil and Deb are working on the house. Bruce was in Odesa yesterday wrestling with officials for the container. Auntie Noline has been in the kitchen a lot, and I've been floating 'tween decks doing little jobs here and there: frying eggs, painting stain on the railing, serving coffee to workers, practicing Russian, helping cut carpet, making apple pie, sponging blue paint on the boys' closet floor, helping with supper, wandering around, fetching things, making tea, washing dishes, searching for lost hammers, and trying to figure out the Crowe/Rhodes sense of humor. :)

We get to the end of the day and think "What have we done today?" and the answer is, lots of things...we're just never sure what they are :) Actually, thanks to Uncle Neil, carpets are getting laid, shelves are getting built, and little touches are being added to make this house seem more homey, like toilet paper holders and bathroom mirrors.

Tuesday was quite a day. The Autumny weather suggested apple pie, and the morning was calm, so I decided to go for it. Only, there weren't any apples that I could find. But we have apple trees outside, and one of them was full of rosy round, fairytale-worthy apples. So I went out in a giant dark red rain coat, and, after shaking rain all over myself while attempting to knock down the apples, I looked around for something to knock them out with. I live on a construction sight, so it wasn't hard to find a hefty metal bar, which I was soon wielding skillfully, poking apples out of the tree and stashing them in a plastic bag. One worker emerged from the basement...and laughed at me...and then offered a lighter rod for the operation. That helped, and after chasing down a couple apples that decided to roll down the driveway, I was pretty well set.

The apple pie was an all-day affair, since we didn't have butter or pie plates to start with either, but thanks to Priscilla's pie plate loan, and butter from the Kiev shopping crew, we finally had pie by bedtime :) Yum. It made me think of my dear brother Connor...

On Tuesday we also had our first Russian lesson! That is such a big answer to prayer...I've been going nowhere fast with my language learning. Svetlana is teaching us; not Sveta my friend I originally wrote about or the Sveta who was in Kiev the day I went with Cheryl, but Svetlana, as in Altu and Sveta who we had over to dinner. I'll call her Svetlana so that there's less mix up. She's really sweet (Altu calls her "Sweetlana" and also very thorough with the lessons. She took it slowly and made sure we really knew how to pronounce the words, and didn't let us off easy. I think she's going to be a really good teacher. I'm not sure yet what the lesson schedule is, but she's going to be here again today.

Maybe I'll write more later,,,Russian lessons soon, and then I'm heading back to the Gollans at 2 to be with the kids. So, adios.

Anxiety Problems (Even the word "anxiety" itself looks stressed!)

Oh, how sweet is a quiet room.

My head hurts pretty bad right now and I'm just weak. The past week has worn me out, more mentally than anything. I'm trying to figure too many things out. They're the basic questions, like, "God, what do you want from me?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "How can I please You and the people around me?" It's been giving me a headache and some TMJ problems. But I guess today I realized that it might get worse before it gets better, and if I'm a hair twisting, indecisive, anxious mess for a while as I learn to trust my Savior, it's ok. I'll just have to be a mess right now. If I make myself sick from worrying, God is faithful enough to sustain me until I learn to trust Him. I am learning, it's just slow.

Since I'm staying with the Gollans, I'm going back and forth between their house and the Crowe's a lot. It's pretty convenient, because it's just a short walk, and I really enjoy being at the Gollans. However, it does present extra decisions to make, and I get anxious about deciding when I should go and stay, what I should do at the Crowes, etc. I get anxious deciding when I'm going to take a shower, when and where to eat, whether to check email or what I should do about the conference coming up, all sorts of little things. For so long, I've had my family to hide behind-- I always hung on my Mama's apron strings, and liked it! Now I'm shoved into deciding for myself a lot of the little everyday things that I took for granted at home, going places, making phone calls, buying stuff, etc. Yeah, I dithered a lot at home, too, but I dither a lot more here. I'm most comfortable alone in my room, and anything beyond that takes careful thought. Most of which can only be produced by consistent hair twisting. And when they say I can't twist my hair anymore...

The other day it was supper time, the food was ready, and I was starving to death. I'm used to my family, where when Mom has dinner ready, we all better be there to eat it, or else! At the Crowes' it's a little different, and sometimes the kids straggle in. I kept thinking I needed to wait till we all settled down to eat, but I my tummy was knawing my backbone, and I was getting antsy. So finally I guess I asked if it was ok to get some food or if we were going to all eat together...and Deb said with her usual cheerful grin, "Do whatever the heck you want!" That caught me off guard a little :) but that seems to be the general idea...that I should go ahead and act like a mostly autonomous adult, whether I feel like it or not. It's nice to have that freedom, I'm just being a big baby. I get so anxious about pleasing everyone around me and not wanting to be selfish...but at the same time being relatively satisfied...that I think I'll go crazy. So whatever the heck I want is just to be sane, at this point.

I know God is pinpointing this in my life because it's been an issue with me for so long. I'm excited that all this turmoil must mean good things are happening and that He's helping me grow up a little, and at the same time, grow more dependent on Him. I'm not growing into an independent, strong young woman, but rather a very helpless young woman who has God's creative, decisive, unchanging and always certain power :) I don't like being weak and silly, more than anything I just want Him to be gloryfied.

Last night I rode a bike for the first time in several years. Cheryl was going down to Masha's for the prayer meeting on her bike, so I borrowed a bike from the Gollans and went with her. I haven't had a bike since I was probably thirteen, and this one was on the large side for me, but we got along pretty well. I had trouble mounting my (somewhat) faithful steed a few times, but over all, it was a blast riding. We flew down the Big Hill, almost hit some cats, and then rode through the Center of town. I got quite out of breath trying to climb the long hill towards Masha's. All those gentle slopes are not so gentle anymore when you're on a bike. Especially if you're really out of shape! I loved getting some good exercise that had a point :) But my bum is way bruised.

Tomorrow I'm going to Kiev for the day with Cheryl. She has errands to run and I'm coming along. (Yay for me, I made a decision!) We'll ride the Marshruka (or however you pronounce the busline) in and then get a ride home.

Tonight a sad thing happened in the kitchen. We lost James. He was a colleague or Godfrey's-- they were the little salt and pepper shakers shaped like Italian restaurant waiters. Godfrey is short and fat and James (was) tall and thin. We named them a few days ago, and since then, have said whenever we needed one of those delightful seasonings, "Pass some James please," or, "Salt it up, Godfrey." Sadly, James came to an untimely demise at the cruel hands of our cold tile floor earlier this evening. Godfrey, however, contiunes to smile jovially from beneath his coal black mustache.

Some of the girls have come to hang out in the other room as they often do on Friday nights (here at the Gollans) so I think I'll go join them, as long as brain cells hold out...

Cassie Gets Sassy

Life has become livelier since Deb's parents arrived. Her dad is working on the house with Bruce, and her mom is doing things that grandmoms do...cuddling grandchildren during movies, delivering treats, cleaning up, etc. etc. I'm getting to know Uncle Neil and Auntie Noline, as I guess I'll be calling them, since that's how it goes around here.

Uncle Neil and I are getting along swimmingly. He called me a cheeky beast, and I suppose that's what I'm getting to be, under his provocation. It all started yesterday when he announced to the household that girls are only good for two things: Cleaning up and making food. On hearing that edifying comment, all the females, thus degraded and demeaned, sat down to play cards and did not clean up OR make food, even though it was ooching on toward supper time.

Then, when we did go to the kitchen to make curry, who showed up to interfere with the "girls' work" but Uncle Neil, showing us how to cook the chicken. Since he and Deb wanted it two different ways, I sort of did my own thing, which he dubbed "rebellion" or "the R word." THEN he started in on my hair twisting habit, which has worsened as I grow more and more uncertain about what to do when. Whenever I'm trying to make a decision, I twist my hair. And he insisted that I stop. Every couple of minutes he insisted, until I was forced to go into hiding just so I could THINK straight. They all ganged up on me (at least Deb joined in) and now they're on a campaign.

Well, I think, (not that they care what I think) that I'm entitled. It's not their hair. And if the Count of Monte Cristo can do it, then I jolly well can too! Sass, rebellion, and cheek! Straight on my way to becoming a cheeky beast.

I was a little uncertain about the relationship until Uncle Neil handed me a red utility knife this evening and set me to work on the carpet. I told him maybe he shouldn't be giving me a utility knife after all those provoking things he had said to me, but apparently he trusted me. We got along well, although every time I stopped to think (and twist) he rebuked me as if I were a naughty puppy. I've never been fond of being treated like a dog, but I'm getting used to it. I can still twist when his back is turned. I think I might be getting a little sassy.

We made some progress on the carpet, but there's still a ways to go. Since Bruce and Deb had already cut the carpet and padding, and we worked on trimming and setting it, and then Deb came over and we glued the seam. I got to learn how to strike a line on the carpet with a chalk coated string so we could cut a straighter edge. It's a very engaging activity for perfectionists. Thankfully I'm not too perfectionist, so it was just engaging enough to be fun.

We've stopped now, and Auntie Noline showed me how to make rice pudding. It's just out of the oven and we're drowning it in cream and marmalade. It feels like a Christmas holiday. Quite different from last night when I woke up at 3:30 thinking distressing thoughts and couldn't go back to sleep. Just when I think I've adjusted here, life kinks like a writhing water hose. And just when I think things are getting bad, new, undeserved joys get dumped in my lap.

I think I'm on an I've-had-more-caffeine-and-carpet-glue-and-less-sleep-than-usual high right now and need to break this cycle so I can get some rest...

Oh, check out the shirt I got at the Perpetual Ukrainian Yardsale this morning! (Featured in new profile picture) It's got my birth year on it AND it just happens to be my favorite color...a safe, comfortable, cozy, wintery dark gray...how could I resist, even if it does have a slight hippy flair with the tye dye there. Hehe.

A Cliff Birthday

I'm tucked away in a lamplit room at the Gollans with the windows open, listening to the muffled toss and howl of the wind tonight. I like it immensely.

Deb's parents arrived this evening for a three week visit, so I'm relocating to the Gollans for that time. It's just right down the hill, and I'll be at the Crowes a lot still, but I'll be spending nights here. Priscilla welcomed me in and showed me "my room" for now, complete with tiny Twix candy bar on the bath towel and, you guessed it! A hot shower!

Their well here is small, so they can't take long showers, but even three minutes in a REAL shower is huge to me right now! I didn't realize and didn't want to admit how nice it is to take a shower the normal way. It's odd what happens to your body when you take a normal shower after nearly six weeks of "abnormal" showers. Your skin rubs off. Your hair falls out. You begin to feel...oh, what's the word? Clean. Yeah, clean. It's nice.

Oh, and did I mention the mirror and the cupboard? I can put all my clothes on shelves, and I get to put make up on in the morning! Being at the Crowe's unfinished house hasn't been what I'd call roughing it, but I just realized there are some special little things that it's easy to take for granted. It's not like I "deserve" a break or ought to expect any certain thing...but it sure is nice.

Aside from the small comforts...ok, big comforts! I'm glad about spending this time at the Gollan's. I enjoy their family so much, and their love for the Lord and for people is just...appealing, I guess. It feels very home-like.

I got a teensy bit homesick yesterday when Shane, Mark, and Jackie, three of the people who have been here for the summer, left to go back home...or wherever they're going...Watching all the goodbying and hugging and slapping on the back kind of kind of gave me that weird 1 Thessalonians feeling when I thought of the goodbyes I've said in the past few months...it hit a sensitive spot for me.

But after a good think on the matter, and a Skype phone call to my family, I felt much better, and my constant underlying sense of things is that I'm SO GLAD I'm here. I really love it here, and I'm not focused on the day I'll go home. Each day holds new life, and I truly feel this freedom here to grow and become who God wants me to be, like a flowering vine when you give it a trellis.

Today we went on a picnic with the Gollans, Jono, and Cheryl. It was in honor of Marie's birthday (she was turning 11 I think.) They set up a tent next to a grassy "cliff" overlooking the river and we sat on blankets and had ice cream and cake and lunch.

It was an amazing view. On the way there, Brent asked, "So is this a cliff birthday?" :) This is Clark and Angel...

Here are Bronwyn, Marie the Birthday girl, and Rodgy making silly faces while devouring their cake...Cheryl's to the side there, taking pictures of something else. Cheryl put together some games, including two relays that we did in a nearby grove of trees (I love those trees...I don't know what they are, though. Maybe birches?)

I joined in this relay...Marie and I had to carry a balloon between us, racing against the boys. I don't know who won, but fun was the point, and I think the goal was accomplished!For the last game, four of the kids had to "dig for worms" in a bowl full of jello topped cookie crumbs. The worms were gummy worms, of course, although Cheryl left it a mystery. This was harder than it sounds, however: they couldn't use their hands! Competitive Jesse came out the winner, but Rodge did well too...Great fun. The kids hiked down the steep slope and went swimming in the shallow area of the river, while some of us stayed behind in the shade. (It was in the 80's or close to 90 today and the sun was intense.)

Deb took Clark down, and grabbed something along the way (we don't know if it was a wasp or some kind of plant or what) that stung her badly. Combined with the steep climb back uphill, the heat, and the throbbing, she thought she might faint...and she had to drive us home in the standard, because I can't drive one. (Bruce was home working). So Cheryl came along and did the shifting, after Deb was feeling a little more steady. We have had so many stings around here!

So it was quite a day. That was all before Bruce and Deb left to get her parents and the kids cleaned house and I made up some soup.

So I'm off to bed now, to a cricket lullaby...

Visiting Ira, Attending a Birthday Party, and Getting Hugs from Doah

Well, I did it! I took some chocolate chip cookies to Ira's house next door! I don't know why I was so nervous, but, well...I guess I had good reasons. Anyhow, Deb reminded me that perfect love casts out fear, and that can also mean that our love for people casts out the fears we have of them.


She was tending the garden when I walked over, plate in hand. I called to her, and came and gave the cookies to her, and immediately she said, "Do you want to come and have some tea?" I didn't do the Ukrainian thing and demure (is that the word?) but accepted right away. She took me into the rich-warm-brown kitchen and motioned to a seat while she started clearing dishes and bread from the table.


"On Saturday we clean the house," she explained, and then apologized for the mess several times. Not that I've never seen a mess before! I assured her it didn't bother me. Her Mom was vacuuming and Ira herself had been working in the garden, but she completely dropped what she was doing, washed her hands, and made tea for us. And we proceded to visit for the next hour, eating cookies and chocolate and sipping our tea and struggling through sentences with missing words.


She's studying in Kiev to be a doctor, and she can speak some English, which she learned in highschool. She said her English isn't very good because she hasn't used it in a year, I think. It was great compared to my Ukrainian or Russian...or whatever it is...they have a term here for mixed Russian and Ukrainian. Slazhik? I can't remember.


We chatted about chatty things, and she looked up words in her dictionary to help our communication along. I felt bad that she seemed to be embarressed by her English...I didn't want her to feel like I expected her to speak English to me. I would be happy to learn some Russian from her.

We sipped our tea in the sunlight shining throught the lace kitchen curtains. Eventually Ira asked,

"So why are you here? Why are the Crowes here? You leave everything and move to Ukraine. Why?"

It wasn't the easiest question to answer. In fact, I was pretty vague and didn't really answer at all. For one thing, our communication wasn't the best in the first place and we weren't quite understanding each other, and for another, it became evident that she's pretty suspicious of us and what we're doing. She wanted to know if we're starting some kind of religious school...what religion we are...

Well, what religion am I? I told her I'm a Christian, but she wanted to know if I was protestant...I wanted to tell her that religion is really beside the point...I mean, yes, I guess she's right in calling me a missionary, but I'm not into the terminology...I think they are concerned about these weird new neighbors with all the kids and want to pin a label on us so they know what to watch out for. Those religious fanatics...

I had been thinking of the verse in 2 Cor. 4 that says "we do not use deception or distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we are commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God."

So I explained what I could as plainly and truthfully as I could. I don't want to try to hide anything from her, but I also don't want her to put us in a "protestant" box or whatever. There is plenty to value in orthodoxy too, although I'm not familiar with a lot of their beliefs. I know in my head and heart that it all comes down to Jesus Christ being the Son of God, but I don't quite know how to explain how that works in my everyday life!

But we've got time. Despite her suspicions, she was very friendly and said "Come to me again. Come on Sunday, when I will not clean the house." I told her she could come see me as well. So, I'm so glad for that opportunity. I just want to be friends with her and let her see over time that I'm not trying to spread some kind of cult...

On a different note...we just got back from a birthday bash for Ruth, one of the missionaries from New Zealand. Birthdays seem to be a big deal around here. She is turning thirty, and it was a good excuse to have a jolly get together, so people from all around the area came and there was music, shashlik (Ukrainian barbeque), bonfire, and tiki torches and a lot of chatting and laughing. It was at their house down the road, which is being renovated right now, and lots of people spread out on a big carpet in the back yard and visited. I met some people from Cagarlik, a nearby town, and said hi to some I already knew.

What a big party! As usual, the crowd was intimidating to me, but I keep being pleasantly surprised at how friendly people are...just coming up and saying hi like they actually know me...which some of them sort of do, but I guess I actually feel closer to them than a lot of people at home. After several conversations, I just stood around, uncertain, but it as it got later it was nice to sit on the carpet under cover of darkness just staring at nothing, listening to music with English words (strangely missed) and watching Noah giggle and fall over on the uneven ground.

What a baby that Noah is. I'm rather fond of that one! He's the huggiest baby I've ever seen, and sometimes he's my special grace. I've never seen a one year old that would walk over and just hug you, but Doey does! When I need a hug, there's always Doe. I'm going to write an ode to him someday. He's my Knight in Shining Diapers. Of course, this is the same child who pooped next to my bed today when he got on the loose without a diaper...and then he crawled on the mattress and there was evidence on the wall where I had my post it notes...not much damage though. Nothing a little cleaning wouldn't fix.

Everyone I meet thinks I'm so young. I mean, younger than I am. I know I do seem younger, I just get tired of it I guess. But I guess it's who I am inside that counts :) When I was talking to Svetlana she asked me my age and when I told her I was nineteen, she said, "You look so young, Cassie. You're like their (the Crowes') oldest child." Haha. Oh well. What can I say. When we go places I hang out with the kids sometimes when I don't know what else to do, and someone told me I look like them...so I suppose it makes sense.

So, off to bed now. Tomorrow is a potluck picnic thing...more social activity, and to think I don't even mind! I'm quite pleased with myself :)

P.S. And for future reference, Noah has many interchangeable nicknames, and we all use whichever is most suitable for the moment, so in the future you might see

No, Noey, Do, Doey, Doah, Mo, Moey, Moah, Momo, Momah, Nomah, Bo, Boah, Bobo, Dobah, Bobah, (I've even been tempted to call him Obediah) and don't forget...No-No-Noah! You'd think No was his middle name...

Raspberries and Learning Styles

It's a beautiful day. That's what first came into my head to write. Earlier this afternoon I was staring at the birds circling the blue-and-cloud-dabbed sky and thought, "I'm free, God, I'm free!" That I am, nto because of anything I've done, but because He saved me for Himself.

We just enjoyed the ripest, reddest, most delectable raspberries this side of...of...utopia, I think...red raspberries (did I already mention this?) are my favorite fruit, and I've hardly ever had them because they don't grow in East Texas. But they grow here!

Yesterday I got really excited about teaching Tucker and Brent to read. I don't know what we'll be doing for school exactly, but at least for the past few days I've gotten to help them with their phonics, and I forgot how amazign it is to watch the intensity to concentration on their faces, the curving fingers ooching the pencil over the paper, and the final dawn of pleasure in their eyes when they've written a letter all by themselves! YES! Both of them are very eager to learn.

Deb has us all working on school in the afternoon, so we come to the living room and split up, Deb with one or two kids and me with one or two, and we switch out, so we usually get to work with each one each day. I really like that.

Brent and Tuck are so close in age (5 and 7) but they are two completely different boys! Tuck is contemplative and engineering and thinks a lot, while Brent is very clever at building and loves to work with his hands. Tucker seems to be a more visual learner, and he picks up the sounds of the letters very quickly, while his motor skills aren't quite ready yet. Brent, on the other hand, is quickly catching on to writing the letters, but goes slower with learning the sounds. But I think they're both going to learn quickly.

I took a few pictures of them, but I've been on the internet for quite a while; I think I'll wait till later...

Kingdom Values

(Aug. 31)

Wow. I’m so…happy. What can I say. I have so much I could never deserve and wouldn’t have even quite asked for! God is always picking the oddest times to surprise me with pleasure…just plain old earthly pleasure. It freaks me out actually, and seems to inconveniently interrupt my otherwise religious life J

The past few days I’ve been keenly stricken with the beauty and actual sensual delight of life...The taste of apple pie melting in my mouth…the breathtaking beauty of the Ukrainian sky, a patriotic array of pale gold clouds mingled with ragged grey on a blue horizon and the wind whipping up the river across the valley…the refreshment of a hot shower after four weeks of cold-luke warm bucket baths…the comfort of a cuddly blanket on a cold night (yes, it was 53 F last night, and felt colder to my shocked body!)…The verbal artwork of the word “shashlik” rolling off my happy tongue…the familiar sounds of David Crowder Band gracing my ears…

These are just the physical blessings, and then there are the emotional and spiritual blessings of having friends to talk to who truly listen and understand and give back. People to connect with, sermons to hear that drive me deeper, God’s word rousing me, increasing freedom to live out of God’s approval rather than man’s…

Last night, Cheryl invited me over to her house to watch a movie and spend the night, and I was thrilled. We curled up in blankets and had pizza and watched Paycheck, and then I got a wonderful night of sleep. This morning we had some really encouraging conversation over our breakfast and coffee. I have so many new things to think about here that I’ve found myself really needing to talk it out with people. I was grateful for Cheryl’s ear and her wisdom. We listened to a sermon on her laptop and got hot showers. Her water is low right now, but it’s hot! Wow. I have never been so grateful for hot water before. That was a most blessed shower! The whole time was such an overwhelming refreshment to me!

You know, I really didn’t come to Ukraine to be comfortable. True, I really thought I would like it here, and I hoped I’d enjoy it, but typically you don’t equate anything “missions-ish” with comfort. Sometimes it’s really difficult for me to enjoy the good things in my path because I feel guilty that I have them while others don’t, or I feel that I really must not be following God if I have these material possessions, or all the money I need, or just an easy time of it. That’s not the way Jesus or Paul or the fathers of the early church lived, right? I get anxious about that. And I get anxious about how easy it is to slip into selfishness and apathy when I’m comfortable.

These challenges have been rising in my mind since I’ve been here as I’ve wondered about spending/giving, serving/reaching out, and a host of other things. Before I came I thought I was “doing pretty good” and now, I realize that Jesus still has a lot of unfinished work in my life! But whoa, He’s such Man of Fire and Power that I know He’s going to do it!

A few days ago Deb and I went to a ladies Bible study (again at Cheryl’s) where we listened to a message called “The Treasure Principle” by Randy Alcorn. It was about money and giving and it hit me right in some spots that were already sore. I had had that on my mind all week, each time I went to market, and other times. I’m still pondering that one.

Then, this morning, the message we listened to was one by Tim Keller called “The Community of Jesus” I think (Listen to it if you possibly can!) both Cheryl and I kept taking notes and she even stopped it once so we could take in the point he was making. It was a straightforward sermon focused on what Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount from the passage in Luke 6, about the values of Jesus’ kingdom vs. the values of the world, and how they enable God’s children to live in community.

He said that the values of the world are power, comfort, laughter (literally, gloating over success), and recognition, while the values of God’s kingdom are the opposite: weakness, sacrifice, grief, and exclusion. Jesus says we are blessed not just for experiencing those things, but actually in the midst of those things. Tim Keller made the point that we don’t go seeking these things in a masochistic way, but, as one man said (I think named David Wilcox)

“In Jesus kingdom we prize the things the world avoids at all costs.”

He said that we don’t refuse power, comfort, success, or recognition, but we look on them with suspicion, knowing they are easily corrupted. He explained that when we enter a relationship with Jesus, we are given a radical freedom from the world’s values in order to live in Jesus’ values. Woohoo! Like Jesus when he walked this earth, the world has no hold on us.

So I thought about all the unexpected comforts I’m experiencing. When I first came here everything was strange, new, and hard, but now, I am really liking it and feeling comfortable here, even down to hanging out with people from church at the Gollan’s this past Friday night. I actually feel like I’m becoming part of things. But I’ve feared this comfort because for one thing, I didn’t come here to be safe and comfy and hide out. Jesus said to go into all the world and preach the gospel, and I guess my thought was that going was the hard part, and once I “went” I would automatically start preaching the gospel. But guess what! I’m the same small shy Piglet person I was a month ago in East Texas! Yeah, jetlag changes you, but not that much! I keep feeling guilty for enjoying myself so much.

But as I think about Jesus and dig into His word, I see this man as a Man on Fire. People surged around Him just to touch Him so they could be healed. He caused controversy and upsets and filled the crowds with awe because of God’s power in His life. I’ve so often read the gospels as if they were a message to me about how to be like Jesus; in other words, an exposition on my failures as a Christian. But now I’m seeing it as “Look at this Man! Look who Jesus is and what He did! Come stick your finger in this outlet and prepare to get zapped! Look at what He values and look at how powerful and sufficient He is. Look at the Bread from Heaven, the Spring of Living Water. Come drink from this Power Source!”

In light of who He is and what He cares about, I see these earthly comforts and blessings with different eyes. Obviously, everything has come from Him and no one else. 1 Tim. 6:17 says that “God provides us richly with everything for our enjoyment”, and Paul said that he had learned to be content with both little and much. So I do just thank God for these good things He’s given me.

I also recognize that I’m not to rely on those things. They are sweet gifts, but if they flowed into me and stopped there I would become like a pond with no outlet- stagnant. God likens His Spirit to a stream of flowing waters (John 7:38) so when good things flow into me, they should also flow through me and out of me. We comfort each other with the comfort we have received (2 Cor. 1:4) I believe that God is bringing some healing into my life after some fierce storms, and this is part of that comfort. However, I need that comfort and refreshment to overflow onto other so that God’s kingdom will be glorified.

I want to be willing to drop everything and run to Him at a moment’s notice, like an obedient child. I want to be willing to be sleepless or hungry or lonely without complaint. I’m so grateful for these blessings, but I long to be found faithful when put to the test. It’s hard to enter other people’s pain, and, as Pastor Bud talks about, “Be strong enough to care.” It’s hard when you’re comfortable to get up off the figurative or literal couch and stay alert, to be “prepared for action” and “sober in spirit,” and to deny yourself when the moment comes to give instead of receive.

It’s a challenge to live with little, and it’s also a challenge to live with much! But I’m rejoicing in my Lord who died to set men free. I want to be quick to obey, quick to risk, and quick to die, just like Him. I know in the limited experience I have in living these kingdom values that there is indeed a blessing in the painful seasons. There’s a blessing and a peculiar sweetness in the midst of weeping, in the bleak pain of loneliness, in the acceptance of our weakness and the increase of Christ’s strength. The world can’t understand it from the outside, because it’s a mystery, but we know it produces life in us.

Jesus, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done. Let me learn to live the mystery.

Meeting the Neighbor Girl (Yay!)

Hey, I'm so excited! I just got to meet the neighbor girl, Ira. She's 20, and going to college in Kiev, but she's home on weekends and speaks Russian, Ukrainian, and some English. Bruce met the family when they were out gardening a few days ago and said they had a daughter and that I shoudl meet her. I wanted to, but I felt anxious because i wondered how in the world it would happen. Was I jsut supposed to go knock on the door or what?

Well, I've been praying about it. And just a bit ago, when I was walking here to the Gollans to use internet, I noticed that the mom was raking in the yard. I thought "Maybe I shoudl just walk by that way, just in case we start talking..." but I was REALLY wanting to get on the internet, and was taking the short cut to save time. But I kept feeling that nudging. I thought "Ah, I'm probably just making that up." But finally I thought, "Ok God, I don't know if it's You or not, and but I'll give up my way just in case." It was a little and a big thing at the same time.

Well, I walked over there, and just then both the dad and mom walked up to me and tried to talk with me! We couldn't communicate too well, but they were really friendly. And then the dad said "Let me go get my daughter, she speaks English" or something like that. I don't think they even knew whether I was speaking English or not.

So out came Ira! Score!!! God is so amazing that way! We didn't talk long, and she said she understands quite a bit of English but can't speak it very well. I told her I was hoping to learn Russian, so maybe we could meet again and help each other. I told her she could come over and we could talk...and then she said I was welcome to come over some time too.

We parted ways, and tears jumped to my eyes. All day I've been so weak and not feeling that well (Ukrainian bacteria is finally catching up with my innards), and I've been draggy and not that great of a human being, but God answered my prayer anyway and gave me a very open door.

Now I just need courage to go knock on Ira's door. Maybe I can take her some cookies.

For Deb's birthday we made a raisin chocolate oatmeal cookie cake...it was crazy because I used a modified snickerdoodle recipe, that being the only cookie recipe available. They say not to tamper with baking recipes, but there was no choice in the matter...and the experiment worked! So there was something to put the candles in :)

I'm praising God for His faithfulness and praying for strength to keep following Him.

Part of God's Family

So, I've been writing blog entries like crazy, but saving them up to post. So there are a couple of long ones under this one.

I'm about to give in to the pressure and get on Facebook. I'm not sure why I'm scared to death of it, but maybe it will be like driving was: I was scared until I tried and then I loved it.

The past few days have been really pleasant...almost too "easy" it seems...I keep looking around suspiciously thinking there might be something wrong :) No emotional breakdowns or anything! I think my sleep is finally getting regulated. I'm getting less than what I got at home, but it's solid and I'm not having crazy dreams any more :) That was entertaining, but not too healthy!

I'm just enjoying where God has me. He keeps blessing me with extra gifts that overwhelm me. Last night there was a worship time at the Gollan's in English and I went down (the Crowes stayed home that time). Even though I still don't have any "history" here, and I can't the jokes people tell with an Australian accent :) I was felt so surrounded and comforted and such a part of God's family when we sang and worshiped together. It was very sweet, and knew I was loved and known there, by God's Spirit.

They say that the

"Stars at night,
Are big and bright
Deep in the heart of Texas..."

but I have to say that the stars in the heart of Rzishchiv are pretty darn bright actually...wow. Walking home from the Gollans, I just had to sing out loud under that pulsing sky! How Great Thou Art...I didn't care if I roused the whole neighborhood (I didn't, though).

God is Great, in the good feelings and bad feelings alike!

Shthtung on the Tongue

(From Aug 24)

Yeth. Thasth whah happened yestherday when I accthidentally dwank a bee thath wath dwowning in mah jduice. Now I can’th swawow mah sawiva vewy wew, and I thalk with a lithp becauth mah tongue ith bigger than mah wowah wip.

Actually, the swelling has gone down and it barely hurts any more. But yesterday evening was pretty painful. I’m learning a thing or two about bees. I always thought “you leave them alone and they’ll leave you alone,” right? Wrong. First I let one crawl up my arm, and it stung me. Then, yesterday afternoon, I waltzed into the kitchen to get a sip of juice from my bottle, which was open on the counter, and naturally having my mind elsewhere and not expecting dangerous predators to be lurking in my drink, I took a swig and was jolted out of la la land by a near-electric shock.

I’m sure the bee was shocked, too. I yelled and ran to the sink, where I spit him out and he died. And then, stinging insanely, I ran for the vinegar and poured some in my mouth (yeah, I know, very smart!) So then I was burning as well as stinging. It felt like ridges of electric current flowing through my tongue, and I could feel it swelling.

It was extremely painful for several hours. Ibuprofen didn’t help. Talking was an adventure, as well as keeping my saliva behind my dwarfed lower lip. Actually eating supper was soothing, albeit a bit awkward. After a little while it really did strike me as being a comical situation- getting stung twice in one day and on the tongue, no less! Today it’s much better, only slightly swollen and a little sore.

It’s bed time, but there is so much to write about today. It’s been such a good day. Church is at night instead of morning, and market was this morning, so around 9 Bron and I met Marie (The Gollan’s oldest daughter, who’s 11) and we walked down together. I learned a couple of things about going to market:

1. Never buy more than you can carry.

2. Always bring a drink, because no matter how pleasant and breezy it is outside, you’ll be completely dried out by the time you climb back up the hill.

3. Bring bags, or you’ll have to buy them.

Yes, I did nearly buy more than I could carry. What with the blanket, the material, sweaters, bread, kefir, zippers, and fly paper wrapped in a big bundle, I felt like a pack mule. Oh, and we got some flowers too, but the girls carried those.

We went to a garage sale type thing where there were piles of second hand clothes, tablecloths, etc laid out on tarps, and looked for winter stuff, primarily a snow suit. Deb had been down earlier and found some inexpensive ones for the boys, so I thought I would look too. I didn’t find any there, but I did get a couple of sweater type things, some material for sewing practice (I would like to get the girls together to sew, but I’m not sure what we’ll make, and used pillow covers and tablecloths will be great practice material) and also a blanket.

I’ve been really wanting a “normal” blanket, and it’s such a great little blessing: I found this one for two dollars, and it is the same kind I use on my bed at home. It’s rather well-loved, but then, so is my one at home :) I think it will contribute greatly to my health :)

So, it was, as Marie stated with a sigh of satisfaction as we started home, “a good market day.” I enjoy going to the market whether I buy anything or not, because it’s a good chance to pick up on the culture and use a little bit of Russian. I actually saw a lady from church there—she came and tapped me on the arm and said “prevyit.” I recognized her but I couldn’t think from where, and then Marie helped me out.

I’m greatly encouraged about Russian. Thanks to anyone who’s lifted up prayers on whether I should learn Russian or Ukrainian. Of course I’m still not 100% sure yet, but I’ve been asking God to show me, and He seems to be guiding me towards Russian.

Last night, Cheryl was here for supper and I was talking with her about it, and she said that if I’m only going to be here a year, I should learn Russian, because most people hear can understand it and speak some, it would be much more useful later. And once again, I said, “But I’m not planning to go to Russia…” But she told me that she has friends in other countries like Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan (I can’t remember the exact ones she said, but they were around there) and they speak Russian there. Something inside me gave a little JUMP because I’m sort of drawn to those “Stan” countries for some reason…maybe just the mystery of them, I don’t know. And if I went there and could speak Russian??? Hmm. I really have no idea what God will do with me, but since the moment she said that, I’ve had more motivation to learn Russian.

This morning I was thinking about that again, and realizing that although it’s important to live “every moment to the hilt,” to quote Jim Elliot, it’s also good to look ahead. In the past I focused so much on the future that I ignored the present, so lately I’ve swung a little too far in the other direction! I’ve gotten burned out on the word “vision,” but suddenly I’m seeing that a little vision is good seasoning for everyday life, however flavorful it already is.

So I’m asking God for vision for what comes after Ukraine to give more substance to what I am doing here. Not in the way of “I’m not content here and can’t wait to leave,” but rather, “God has led me here and I want to use this time to the fullest for His glory and whatever purposes He has.” Because He’s definitely a God of mystery, and I can’t even guess what little things He’s using in my life to prepare me for later.

So, newly inspired, I sat down with my Russian books today at the green plastic table. Deb and I studied together for a while and didn’t feel like we were getting very far. Russian is very difficult. All that declining and conjugating and fuss about imperfective and perfective, nominative and genitive and accusative and dative…(yeah, we don’t get it either.) Latin and Spanish helped give me a foundation, but this is much harder than either one, and it doesn’t help that I picked a crummy grammar book that is written for people who have already probably majored in linguistics.

However, there were two encouragements. I found a group of nine verbs that act the same way and don’t switch endings when you aren’t looking, and they are important, useful verbs, so if I learn them, I’ll be doing well. And, tonight at church, Deb and I both discovered that we were understanding much more Russian during the singing and teaching than last week! I guess I’ve made more progress than I thought.

Church was sweet tonight. Once again, the singing in Russian, Ukrainian, and English was refreshing to hear, and I enjoyed the time in the Word. Daniel was talking about 1Timothy 4 and the discussion became quite lively when someone disagreed with a point he was making and then everyone talked about it. I guess I’ve never seen that before, but it was really good, I thought, to hear what different people had to say. It made me really think about it and examine the scripture instead of just listening and possibly tuning out.

We went home around 8 and had a young couple, Altu and Svetlana, over for supper. Altu is Turkish, and Svetlana is Ukrainian. They were really nice…Bruce is trying to convince Svetlana to give us Russian lessons, but…yeah. You can pray for that. We need a teacher! They had a great teacher in Kiev, but she’s, well, in Kiev.

I’ve so enjoyed having company over here. Bruce asked me why I get so intimidated by social interaction but yet love it when we have company. That’s simple. In a crowd, it’s up to me to participate, find people to talk to, find a “spot,” etc. At home, there is the security of a family circle that you are drawing the guests into, and there’s more focus. I feel free to enjoy being with people while not having the pressure to initiate anything. I already know who to talk to, and, to be honest, I just feel safer and more comfortable that way. I want to be willing to get outside of that comfort zone…but right now I’m already out a good deal just being here. Baby steps.

This morning, God GREATLY ENCOURAGED me with verses from Psalm 37 about my many life questions.

“Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to Him. Trust also in Him, and He will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the sun, the justice of your cause like the noon day sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently (longingly) for Him…”

New (and Old) Food, Bee Sting, and Tucker

(From Aug. 23)

It’s afternoon and ya hochu pit stakan moloko…or something like that. I want to drink a glass of milk. Actually, I am drinking a glass of milk, except, I don’t know how to say that because I don’t know what to do with the verb “to drink” yet. Actually I think I said the whole sentence wrong and no Russian or Ukrainian person would understand me at all, but I try to boost my linguistic moral by stringing words together as if I really can speak Russian :) And of course, to try to impress you all. Do say you’re impressed.

Anyway…the glass of milk. We finally found some good milk. And I do mean GOOD milk! Like the little girl who had a little curl, “when it is good it is very, very good, but when it is bad it is horrid!” Isn’t “horrid” an expressive word? This milk was so fresh from the cow it was still warm when Deb bought it at the market. The dairy products go bad very quickly here, though, so you have to watch it. Last night I dumped three bags of the store milk down the sink because it reeked. (That word is for you, Connor.)

Since I’ve been here I haven’t tried a lot of new foods, although I have acquired a taste for marmalade on cheese, which is probably not a Ukrainian thing, it just happened to be in the fridge. Oh, and I’ve been enjoying the kefir! If you’re like me and hadn’t heard much about kefir before, it’s like yogurt’s robust older brother. Strong and healthy and alive with all sorts of wonderful bacteria. I’ve been told it’s very good for you, and can help calm you’re tummy. I tried a little back at the apartment, and the taste was so strong I could only drink a few sips. But it’s easy to get used to after a few tries and it’s almost addictive. I think it really does sooth your stomach. I haven’t really had stomach problems since I’ve been here, but the few times when I felt a little odd, it was soothing.

Kefir also very refreshing when it’s hot out. Yesterday I walked to the post office, and I really don’t know how far it was…it took about 45 minutes, but I was going at a leisurely pace, soaking up the sights and trying to get some pictures while there weren’t a lot of people around (it was mid afternoon) by the time I finished at the post office, I was warm and thirsty, so I went into the store next door, which carried an assortment of beer, scary looking fish, candy, juice, bread, cookies, and dairy products. And some sausage, I’m sure. I asked for some kefir, and after correcting my pronunciation (it’s ke-FEER with a rolled “r,” not KE-fur...yes, I’m from east Texas thank you…) the lady went to the fridge and brought out a bag of it like the bags they keep the milk in. Well, nyet, spasiba. I couldn’t very well drink out of a bag, so I settled on a small bottle of juice.

And one more thing that is absolutely delicious (but not Ukrainian, as far as I know) is fried banana. Deb made them yesterday and they were so good! I had always been curious about fried bananas but thought they were probably a little on the nasty side. But when I found out the kids liked them I thought maybe they’d be worth trying. If you haven’t had them before, definitely try! They would be especially yum on pancakes.

Deb just sliced the bananas (sort of older ones) long ways and laid them in the skillet with some melted butter, and fried them until they were mushy and a little brown. They get very sweet and syrupy without having any sugar added to them. Mmmm! I thought that’s a great, cheap way to satisfy a sweet tooth! You could even make it an official dessert with a little whipped cream and maybe chocolate syrup…

So, those are my thoughts on the food of late. I don’t know why I always find it necessary to explain what I’m eating. It’s not even anything that Ukrainian (well, maybe the kefir is). The staples of the Ukrainian diet seem to be rather predictable: bread, cheese, sausage, potatos, carrots, cabbage…other produce when in season. Right now there are lots of fruits and veggies, but I don’t know what it will be like in the winter.

The electricity has gone off twice today for short periods. It’s not really a big deal, except that when there’s no electricity there isn’t any water, either, because we’re on a well. But I don’t think it’s a normal occurance. I mean, I almost feel spoiled. My “morbidly cheerful” side kicks in and I always think “it could be so much worse!”

Today Bruce is laying the padding that goes under the living room carpet. The carpet has been cut and laying there, but it’s not officially down yet. It’s very nice gold colored carpet, and I like seeing the whole room bare with just that in it and the sun shining in. It’s nice not having too much to fill up the room. On the other hand, I think we will all be happy to sit on a couch again when the container comes!

I’m nursing a painful bee sting on my left arm. Earlier I was sitting on the floor in Bron’s room, trying to sew up a worn place in my jeans, and minding my own business, when I felt something crawling in my sleeve. It just tickled a little and I figured it was just an ant (which don’t bite here) so I foolishly left it alone, and then, ZAP! Wild stinging and a quick run to the bathroom for the vinegar, which Deb had told me would help if I got stung. There are a lot of bees around the house because the windows have been open, and there are no screens. The vicious stinger was still sticking out! Youch. I’m glad that none of the kids have been stung.

This morning I went outside and Tucker (5) came along, and we had some stimulating conversation about why trees have seed pods, why fuzzy things fly through the air, and how come leaves fall off the trees. Got a head full of thoughts, that one. I think he’s the fix it guy of the family. (Which they will desperately need here!) Even at five years old he’s always checking out the dryer and trying to figureout which buttons to press, how the lint filter opens, etc. And saying things like “Mom, I think the fan isn’t working because…” while examining the ailing fan.

When we go for walks, he’s always dragging and lagging behind the rest of us, head a million miles away. As Broderic said one day in Kiev during yet another Tuck delay, “It must be nice being the slow person in the family!” It can get to be a bother, but for the most part, I just find it endearing. Especially when he ambles along, gazing at the trees and flowers and sky, muttering Russian words to himself. :)

Anyhow, we were talking about the path in the woods, and he said “I saw a motorcycle and a holly dog on this road.” “And what’s a holly dog?” I asked. “Holly dogs are just light dogs that pass by and don’t bark,” Tuck replied, “well, some of them are dark, just kind of light dark, not black.” So the nice dogs are holly dogs.

A lot of the dogs here are NOT holly dogs, and they bark and try to come after you. Cheryl told me the other day to simply reach down as if I were picking up a rock to throw (and if I need to, pretend to throw it) and they’ll turn tail and run. Well, I tried it when I dog started running toward me barking, and it worked quite well!

There is not much going on today after the big week we had. So we’re doing the Ukrainian thing…taking a rest. Well, Bruce is still working on the carpet padding. I still wonder about what to “do.” I’m never sure where the line between laziness and relaxation is. And here in Ukraine, that is magnified. My Western mindset says that it’s what I do that counts, but here, getting things done is not that important to people. I think there are pros and cons to both mindsets, but I’m not sure how to know what the good part is. I feel a little lost in that today, because I feel pretty lethargic, and I don’t know whether I really should rest or if I’m just being a bum and using the tired excuse not to meet new people, work on Ukrainian, or something else.

The Whole World Becomes Richer...

(From Aug. 23)
Today Rodgy wasn’t feeling well, so I read him the last few chapters of The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster, which I brought in my luggage. He’s been reading it and really liked it. I hadn’t read it until I read some parts with him, and I love it! It’s written quite eloquently, and has a lot of clever word humor and fun though thought provoking ideas. The point of the book is that there is a purpose in knowledge and learning, even if you don’t understand why you have to learn certain things.

“ You may not see it now,” said the Princess of Pure Reason, looking knowingly at Milo’s puzzled face, “But whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way. Why, when a housefly flaps his wings, a breeze goes around the world; when a speck of dust falls to the ground, the entire planet weighs a little more; and when you stamp your foot, the earth moves slightly off its course. Whenever you laugh, gladness spreads like the ripples in a pond…for whenever you learn something new, the whole world becomes that much richer.”

Pg. 233, The Phantom Tollbooth

Happy Birthday Mom!

What a nice day. Today I've just been sort of taking a break, which included a little retreat to the woods and a walk to the post office to mail a few letters to my family. And I've been trying set up my Skype account so that I can call my mom, because it's her birthday.

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

I've been just pondering things...thinking about Rzhishchiv and wondering how to be a light. Of course, I know I am already a light because God has brought me into His kingdom, I just wonder what it looks like to love people here in Ukraine, and how I will meet Ukrainians who don't know Jesus yet. Although I haven't talked with people yet, I sense that people's hearts are hard here, and that they are "asleep" in a sense.

A few nights ago I mentioned that I was sleepy and that I was feeling tired all the time. Someone said, "Well, you're made for Ukraine, then! Tiredness is a national Ukrainian trait." The culture does seem laid back to the point of lethargy. Maybe it's these hot summer days, but I don't think so. In some respects, I really like the flexibility and calm, but spiritually...

I was reading the scripture from Ephesians 5 that says "Awake, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." There is so much drunkenness here, and, I don't know..."hardened apathy" comes to mind. I'm not sure.

In my own life, I don't want to grow spiritually comatose. I realized that I die to myself and learn to let go of my will, but I can't forget that the Holy Spirit "will also give life to your mortal bodies" (Romans 8) I need that life. The life of Jesus being my passion, my suffering, my rejoicing, my labor, my love, my prayer, my light, my strength. I get so tired that I feel like just surviving, for just skimming by with being nice.

What is real love? 1 Peter says to love one another deeply, from the heart. And Ephesian 5 says to "Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." I'm suddenly seeing that showing love is so much more than being polite and understanding and nice and patient. It's not only passive, but aggressive. But what does that look like every day? It's so dangerous to just jump out and do something in our own strength, but how do I know how to love? How do I know how to serve individuals in different situations? I guess I have to hear God's voice.

He's had so much favor on me, using the difficulties and disappointments or inconveniences (like with the internet) to constantly bind me to Him. I can't run off and be dependent on things that work or easy circumstances.

Well, I need to go. Blessings.

Culture Shock, Round 2

I'm posting! I'm posting!

I'm sitting in the loft at the Gollan's before church starts (evening) and using Bruce's computer. I haven't tried mine yet.

We're now in Rzhishchiv for good...no more apartment. I'm very happy and very sad about that at the same time. We moved out here on Friday to the house, which has very little dishes or furniture and a lot unfinished, but it does have great working appliances and space, and room for the kids to play and...did I mention running water? It has running water. Very cold running water. There is no hot water, but the way I'm looking at that is, what if all we had was HOT? That would be miserable!

The past few days have been pretty tough, because moving to Rz has started culture shock over again for me, complete with jetlag feelings because got very little sleep for a couple of nights. So I've really felt like crawling under something and crying a lot, but at the same time I still want to be helpful around here. I feel very much like I've been ejected out of a safe, secure womb and now am kicking and squalling "Put me back!" I have no history here and no basis. I've been born all over again into a scary world where I no longer know how to even talk properly. I was even asked what my accent was...that it didn't sound American! (The people I've met here are from Ukraine, Australia, New Zealand, and Canada, so you can imagine how that messes with your mind.)

On Friday night I came down to the Gollan's house, where they were having a hang out night and talking, playing games, checking internet, and looking at pictures of a vacation some of them recently took to the Black Sea. So I got to meet people! I was excited, but also so overwhelmed. They were so nice to me, but I struggled with the realization that it's going to take so much time to build relationships. I'm the youngest here, besides the kids, so once again I have the of being a baby...how do I always get in these situations where I feel so immature? But. These are just feelings, and I keep having to get back up on my feet and stand on God's word, the Truth... Jesus.

There are quite a few Ukrainian girls probably in their 20's in the church here, and very few guys. And then there are the Aussie folks, New Zealand folks, and I met Cheryl, who is Canadian. We talked some, and played Boggle :) That night I went home and cried and sweated on my mattress, looking out the window at the stars. God, do You see me fitting in here? I really like the people, I just feel like such a loner. I want to plug in, but a year doesn't even seem long enough for that. But I suddenly remembered that He sees the situation with different eyes, all knowing eyes. He saw the situation ahead of time and said, "I'm going to put Cassie over there." He must have been pretty confident about, because He sent me all the way across the world to get me there! And if there's nothing else I feel certian of, at least I know He's put me here.

I keep thinking of Ephesians 3:20 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask and think, according to His power that is at work within us..."

So I made a list of all I'm hoping for...

To build relationships here and really fellowship
To learn Ukrainian and connect with Ukrainian people
Love and serve the Crowes
Share the gospel of Jesus Christ...

So yeah. Good things? Jesus. The beautiful countryside (complete with forests, corn patches, wildflowers, dandilion puffs, white brick houses and barns, rolling pastures, and even three fat goats a couple houses down) The Crowes. They've been so patient and it's so nice to be with them. There is no other family I coudl live with like this. I feel really comfortable with them. The market. Deb and I went this morning and bought beautiful vegetables for stew, as well as fresh milk and honey.

The guitar is tuning up downstairs, so I think I'll go join now and worship the Lord. I just keep giving my heart to Him over and over.

I'll try to blog more. My brain has just been the consistency of babyfood the past few days, and I hope to thicken it up soon. You just can't imagine the adjustment this is until you come :) But God is so, so big and good. I love His ways. There's no figuring Him out. He can (and will) do way more than I think!

I love you all...

P.S. I have an Australian flag tatooed on my ankle. (Temporarily of course) My 8 year old friend Angel (she is definitely an angel to me) gave it to me, obviously expecting me to wear it, and, well, what could I say? I'm not going anywhere fancy any time soon! So she obligingly put it on for me. I like it. Now I match hers! She also scooched up in a camping chair with me at the house and asked me to read Amelia Bedelia to her. Who could resist?

Unfortunately...

So, I updated something wrong on my computer and it wrecked internet for me. Unfortunately, it probably won't be fixed till I can get the software (presently located under my bed in Texas with the dust bunnies) and do something to it...Bruce knows...

So. I can type updates on my computer and load them with the Crowes' computer when they have internet. In everything give thanks :)

I need to go to bed...we just had a magnificent chicken curry, complements of Deb. We've been in a park in Kiev most of the afternoon, and tomorrow we're going to a worship service here and then maybe Rzhishchiv after. Must get some rest.

Ya Tse Lyublyu!

Today, Deb and I (plus Brent and Clark, who are 6 and 2,) went into Kiev a bit and shopped at some second hand stores with Priscilla, who came from Rzhishchiv to meet us. Bruce dropped us off at the metro and Priscilla met us, then took us to the shops. It was rainy, windy, and a bit chilly. I picked the wrong day to wear shorts!

But it felt really good, and by the time we were done shopping in the first store, the rain had pretty much stopped.

(Deb, Clark, Me, Brent)

We wound through a little market area, and then came out to a row of buildings that were covered but open front and back, with wooden floors like you’d find in a barn. There were racks and tables all over, and it was basically what you’d find in a goodwill or resale shop…but I liked it better. There were both ratty things and quite nice things! It was a big thrill for me to get to use my teeny bit of Russian and learn a bit about the culture..

Priscilla was really sweet and helpful. I’m so thankful for the godly examples I have in her and Deb. They really are women who love the Lord, and love their husbands and kids. I don’t know Priscilla well yet, but I can tell.

During the shopping time, I found a long brown sweater coat that was like new, a thin green scarf, and a brown purse for $16 altogether. I went ahead and bought them, and I was really glad not only to get the things, but to have the experience of getting them! In each section of the store, there was a clerk to help you out (you paid them right there) so there was no check out. I had a hard time communicating with the first guy in Russian, but then he laughed at me and switched to English, and I understood pretty well.

In the second section, I asked a few questions of the girl working there, but my Russian wasn’t getting us anywhere, and couldn’t speak English. Priscilla helped translate a little, but I mostly just smiled and laughed a lot…nervously. I wanted so badly to talk to her, but I just wasn’t sure how! Priscilla said, “When you try to speak their language to them, that’s a gesture of love.”

So I tried. I desperately wanted to. Then Clark suddenly had to go potty, so Priscilla took Deb to find the exciting potties…not my story to tell! So Brent and I wandered around that part of the store some more. But I didn’t really wanted to buy more, so I was just standing there. I noticed the girl wasn’t busy, and with fewer people around, I felt braver. So I went over to her and asked “What is your name?” in Russian. “Lana,” she replied. And then she asked my name, and we started talking. We stumbled and fumbled and I laughed and shrugged my shoulders a whole lot. But I was so excited I couldn’t keep my smile in. She was really nice, and looked a lot like my oldest cousin, Mattie (not my sister Mattie).

We managed to communicate (without any English!) that she was a student in Ukraine and her family lives here in Kiev, and that I’m not a student here, but I’m an American staying with friends and helping take care of their children, and I’ve been here five days. And we're both 19. She kept saying something about chai and coffee, and I think I told her I had had coffee with breakfast (who knows what I actually said or didn’t say! But finally I realized that she was asking if she could get me some coffee! I nodded vigorously…it was perfect coffee weather and the store was a little drafty. That sweater I bought was looking better and better.

She left to get the coffee and I turned away, grinning from ear to ear, suddenly flooded with a sense of being accepted. I’ve struggled with entering this country suspicious of people because I hear so much about the crime and lack of morals, but I want to look at them with eyes of love and understanding instead of fear and judgement. These kind clerks, (who weren’t even being pushy about buying things!) were reshaping my impressions.

Lana returned with two tiny plastic cups half full of steaming black coffee. Nothing wimpy about that coffee! She smiled and stirred and I smiled back and inhaled deeply, making “mmm” noises. Then brought it to my lips…and tasted…whoa!!! Coffee with an attitude!!! It was good, too. But I could see why they only serve it two ounces at a time! So now I know why I didn’t feel sleepy today…

We talked just a little more until our conversation sort of fizzled out. Priscilla and Deb came back. I wanted to get a picture with my new friend, but she had gone out of the room. So we went on to another store, my heart light and soaring.

I’ve been asking God what He has for me here as far as sharing the gospel goes. It could be easy to sort of hide away and occupy myself with the kids and not really attempt much else. I know Rzhishchiv will be different, but here in Kiev, how do you go about actually meeting people?

Deb and I were down at the beach (by the river) with the kids on Monday and saw lots and lots of people sprawled all over the beach, obviously in a pretty lost condition. I was there to play with the kids and have a refreshing swim, and that was good, but I was wondering, "God, how would You reach all these people?"

I know that there’s a place for street evangelism, or just walking up to people and talking with them, but I don’t know if that’s for everyone. What does He want for me? Not only do I want to practice Russian, I want to make friends, for my sake and theirs. And I want to share the Treasure I have.

So I was asking these questions, and then came today, and Lana…I know it was God’s way of nudging me and saying, “Here’s how…" And out shopping, no less!

I enjoyed being in those shops so much. Deb found some towels and a lot of English books (the stuff at those stores is apparently from humanitarian aid groups, some from Germany or the UK or wherever, so the stuff is marked down but there’s still a cost because of customs or something. Not sure how it works.) There were lots of beautiful skirts, especially. I got to use my “Izvinitye” (Excuse me) and “Skolka” (how much?” a lot.

I found myself just really enjoying it and feeling so at home, even when we got on the dingy old metro, feeling grimy from all the handling. At one point, I told Deb, “I’m just so content.” I’m so grateful that God has brought me here. He knows I have so many issues, but He brought me to this amazing place to deal with them instead of making me stay home until I was perfect :) haha, like that was going to happen! And maybe, in the process, I’ll get to bless the Crowes and show love to others.

It was long past lunch time when we passed McDonalds on the way from the metro to the bus, so Deb ran in and got some ice cream for us (after standing in line for what must have been twenty minutes.) But it was sunny by now, and breezy, and pretty much perfect weather for standing outside and not sweating. The little boys were so incredibly patient. Neither of them whined a lick. And I picked up a new Russian phrase while we stood there…McDonalds’ phrase, “I’m lov’in it,” off the umbrellas outside:

Ya Tse Lyublyu!

Seems to sum it up about right!

A Glimpse of Kiev

Wow! It's so nice to have all those comments! I don't have much time, but I wanted to write a little something before we go to Rz. for the day/night/tomorrow. I'm really excited to meet the Crowe's friends there, but suddenly I've become nervous because I guess I have these unexpected expectations. Hm. I just want my expectations to be on the Lord. Been thinking on Prov. 10:28.

I've been up since 2:30, and a gross thing happened to me. I chewed up a plastic capsule on accident! On my way here, I stuck a few of the capsules I was taking in a plastic bag with the sesame sticks I was carrying on for a snack.

So last night, when I woke up, I was starving to death because the time at home would've been about an hour after supper. I remembered my snack, so I got up in the dark, found the bag, and dropped a good handful of sesame sticks into my mouth. I chewed and crunched, and then bit down on something pretty hard, sort of plasticky, and extremely nasty tasting!!! It was a raspberry capsule, and it did NOT taste good.

So I spit it out and went on eating a few more handfuls. Then I went back to bed. I tried really hard to be good and go back to sleep, but I just couldn't. And I got hungry again. So, I got out the bag again, grabbed another handful of sesame sticks, and guess what...did it again! Talk about disgusting.

Moral to this story: Never eat snacks in the dark. Better yet, never travel to a foreign country where you'll have such bad jetlag that you wake up in the middle of the night wanting to eat supper because it's supper time where you came from.

No, actually, it's all worth it. Rasberry capsules and all. Last night the Crowes took me downtown to see Kiev. On weekends they close some of the streets around the square so that people can just walk around. It's like we have festivals downtown at home, only here, every summer weekend is a festival because they have to enjoy the weather while they have it! There were hundreds of people milling about, venders selling sun glasses and cheap toys, and young guys dressed like the 80's break dancing. King's Kids would have drooled :) I don't know if break dancing is really my style...it makes me a little uncomfortable, but at the same time, it's pretty fascinating. The Crowe kids loved seeing it.

So here was my favorite part, the fountain. (Finally, some pictures.) They all just wade around in the fountains, which is probably not sanitary, but is a whole lot of fun nontheless!(Brent, me, Bron, Tucker, Broderic)

And here is one of the magnificent statues we saw. They're warrior guardians of some sort. On the high hill near the bridge where we crossed the river, there was a similar statue standing tall sort of like the Statue of Liberty, only it was a guy, and he had wings, and he carried a sword and what looked like a candle. It made me want to cry; it was so majestic and powerful looking, and yet, it was a gentle power. It reminded me very much of our God who is a mighty refuge, who keeps us in the shadow of His wings. I don't have a picture of that one yet, but here's a smaller one...
And here is a flower garden near the fountain...
I takes my breath...God is so beautiful. And then, here is a picture of the people "milling about the square." They were just walking, talking, wading in the fountain, some of them drinking and just hanging out. The air was around 70 degrees at that time, and it felt awesome. Don't get too jealous...in a few months I'll be moaning about frostbite!
After that we had pizza at a nice pizza place called "Cili's" and went home.

Ok, I really do have to go now. I can hear little people playing legos in the other room and I need to figure out what to take with me to Rz. It's so hard to find my things because they are so randomly buried in several different suitcases. I packed everything really tightly, and nothing broke or exploded, but it is definitely a mess now!