A Few of My Favorite Things

(Aug 30)

I can’t believe August is almost over! At the same time, it’s hard to believe it’s August with the chilly weather today. It’s been rainy and overcast off and on, with gusty wind and chilly temperatures. Maybe in the 50’s? I can’t tell. I’m resisting putting on a sweater…I have to get used to this, right?

It’s becoming more and more keenly evident that we don’t have gas or hot water :) Not that we would turn the gas on right now, but this just reminds us of what’s to come. Hey, we have a tea kettle and all the tea we want, so who’s complaining?

Today we had such a nice time visiting with the Micah and Christy Claycamp, who came over to visit with their four young kids. Three more boys and a girl to add to the mix! They kept each other happy the whole time pretty much.

We ventured to make apple pie with the fresh apples from the trees in the yard and oh man…it was amazing! There’s something so satisfying about making a pie. I don’t think I’ll ever be too homesick as long as there is pie to be made. With limited dishes right now, I’m learning to be creative. I used a Pringles can for a rolling pin a few days ago, (yeah, can you believe there are Pringles right here in little Rzhishchiv?) and today searched around and found the stainless steel camping thermos Mrs. Burklin gave me in a traveling kit she made for my graduation gift. Being long and smooth, it worked quite well for a rolling pin, and the crust didn’t stick! Thanks Mrs. Burklin! :)

So the Claycamps came about ten and we made lunch and sat down and ate it, then enjoyed pie and ice cream and tea for quite a while…it was just a nice leisurely visit and I enjoyed getting the know some more people from the area.

When they left and Deb and I were cleaning up, I commented, “People are always asking me what I like to do and I don’t know how to answer them. Well, this is what I like to do.”

“What? The dishes?” she asked with a grin.

“NO!” I returned. (We have an ongoing joke that doing dishes is my “default” and that that’s what I do when I can’t think of anything else). “No, not dishes. Having people over and fellowshipping and having good things to eat together.” I realized with pleasure that it reminds me of so many Sunday afternoons at home having people in our house for a meal and sharing with them. I’m amazed at how my family life has, in many ways, prepared me for being here. Something I treasured so much at home is being carried out right here in Ukraine, just with the Crowe’s family instead of mine. So I can hardly even feel homesick!

Part of God's Family

So, I've been writing blog entries like crazy, but saving them up to post. So there are a couple of long ones under this one.

I'm about to give in to the pressure and get on Facebook. I'm not sure why I'm scared to death of it, but maybe it will be like driving was: I was scared until I tried and then I loved it.

The past few days have been really pleasant...almost too "easy" it seems...I keep looking around suspiciously thinking there might be something wrong :) No emotional breakdowns or anything! I think my sleep is finally getting regulated. I'm getting less than what I got at home, but it's solid and I'm not having crazy dreams any more :) That was entertaining, but not too healthy!

I'm just enjoying where God has me. He keeps blessing me with extra gifts that overwhelm me. Last night there was a worship time at the Gollan's in English and I went down (the Crowes stayed home that time). Even though I still don't have any "history" here, and I can't the jokes people tell with an Australian accent :) I was felt so surrounded and comforted and such a part of God's family when we sang and worshiped together. It was very sweet, and knew I was loved and known there, by God's Spirit.

They say that the

"Stars at night,
Are big and bright
Deep in the heart of Texas..."

but I have to say that the stars in the heart of Rzishchiv are pretty darn bright actually...wow. Walking home from the Gollans, I just had to sing out loud under that pulsing sky! How Great Thou Art...I didn't care if I roused the whole neighborhood (I didn't, though).

God is Great, in the good feelings and bad feelings alike!

Happy Birthday Mom!

What a nice day. Today I've just been sort of taking a break, which included a little retreat to the woods and a walk to the post office to mail a few letters to my family. And I've been trying set up my Skype account so that I can call my mom, because it's her birthday.

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

I've been just pondering things...thinking about Rzhishchiv and wondering how to be a light. Of course, I know I am already a light because God has brought me into His kingdom, I just wonder what it looks like to love people here in Ukraine, and how I will meet Ukrainians who don't know Jesus yet. Although I haven't talked with people yet, I sense that people's hearts are hard here, and that they are "asleep" in a sense.

A few nights ago I mentioned that I was sleepy and that I was feeling tired all the time. Someone said, "Well, you're made for Ukraine, then! Tiredness is a national Ukrainian trait." The culture does seem laid back to the point of lethargy. Maybe it's these hot summer days, but I don't think so. In some respects, I really like the flexibility and calm, but spiritually...

I was reading the scripture from Ephesians 5 that says "Awake, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." There is so much drunkenness here, and, I don't know..."hardened apathy" comes to mind. I'm not sure.

In my own life, I don't want to grow spiritually comatose. I realized that I die to myself and learn to let go of my will, but I can't forget that the Holy Spirit "will also give life to your mortal bodies" (Romans 8) I need that life. The life of Jesus being my passion, my suffering, my rejoicing, my labor, my love, my prayer, my light, my strength. I get so tired that I feel like just surviving, for just skimming by with being nice.

What is real love? 1 Peter says to love one another deeply, from the heart. And Ephesian 5 says to "Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." I'm suddenly seeing that showing love is so much more than being polite and understanding and nice and patient. It's not only passive, but aggressive. But what does that look like every day? It's so dangerous to just jump out and do something in our own strength, but how do I know how to love? How do I know how to serve individuals in different situations? I guess I have to hear God's voice.

He's had so much favor on me, using the difficulties and disappointments or inconveniences (like with the internet) to constantly bind me to Him. I can't run off and be dependent on things that work or easy circumstances.

Well, I need to go. Blessings.

"I may have to save up..."

That's what Ethan said said this morning when I told him I was leaving today. He said,
"Maybe I could go with you when you come back for Christmas." And I said,
"Well, that would cost a lot of money." Wide blue eyes grew wider.
"I may have to save up." Yeah, that's a lot of house chores.


"Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competency comes from God. He has made us competent ministers of the new covenant..." (2 Cor. 3 something)

I am weak, but He is strong :)

Don't Start That!

(This was from yesterday, but I was in a hurry and forgot to post it!)

"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you."



-Frederick Beuchner



Mom just read that quote to me from The Shack. She's been reading it, and after hearing about it from every person I've seen in the past three weeks, I can't wait to read it myself and see what it's like. I get to tomorrow. On the plane. ON THE PLANE, PEOPLE! I'm not really excited or anything. Nah, not me. Not excited at all.



Upstairs, three stuffed suitcases sit waiting on the bed and floor, and the bedroom is the mess of the century. I said bye to Flic last night. She's the hardest one, probably, because I have no idea when I'll see her again since she's moving to Utah. *sniff sniff* She thought I was starting to cry when I hugged her and she said,



"Don't start that!" But I totally WASN'T. I had something in my eye, probably.



We'll leave for Shreveport around 1:00 pm, and at 5:00. I'm hoping for



presence of mind

good conversations on the plane

no bribes, threats, or other harrassements...

These Small Hours...

Here's what I wrote yesterday but didn't get to post:


Things are a little crazy, so I haven’t blogged much. But it’s a good crazy. I’ve been lunching with Flic and spending the night with Lauren and Gracie…kind of flowing with the go…wherever the next moment takes me. I needed to run a couple more errands yesterday and had planned to take Mattie for ice cream, so Lauren and Gracie came along and we ended up eating Dippin’ Dots at the mall, which I’ve always planned to do at some point :)

It was about like I expected…nice for the experience, in Lauren’s words, but not exactly what I’d call “The Ice Cream of the Future.” After all, it was the Ice Cream of the Future at least nine years ago when I first saw it.

We’ve just been swimming. Earlier I was at the church on my computer while Mom and Mattie did their cleaning job. I felt bad for not helping, but apparently not bad enough to help…

I needed to get on the internet with my laptop (which I can’t do at home), so I took that opportunity. I actually bought music on Itunes for the first time ever…a very novel experience. I loved getting to just pick out songs, I just wish that I could get them on my mp3 player now. One song went on, but not the three I liked best.



For some reason I got more frustrated and upset over that than anything else I’ve dealt with in the past few days. I think I'm worn out. Anyway, I spent the swimming time trying to take deep breaths and be thankful for everything the Lord has provided for me the last couple of days. He’s so good…

Of the four songs I got, two were by Rob Thomas, someone I’d never really heard, except that one of his songs (which I bought) was at the end of Meet the Robinsons, and I’ve been enchanted with it since I heard it :) It’s called “Little Wonders.” And then I got “Ever the Same.” He’s a secular artist, but those two songs have really good lyrics, and I love his voice.

So, I’ve been thinking a lot more about that sneaky, scary word “goodbye” since Flic confronted me with it on Wednesday when we were together.



“So have you started saying goodbye yet?” she asked. “No…” I really thought I was going to be goodbying my head off, as in, preparing myself mentally a whole lot…I said I would never be the person who blocks it out because they don’t want to feel it. But now, not only do I understand why people do that (and the good reasons behind it), I’m doing it myself. It seems like the most logical, easy way to leave. At the same time, though, I can’t stand the thought of not saying a definite goodbye before I go. I just want to postpone it.

It’s definitely a lot easier to leave than to be left, I grant that. Ouch. I have to feel for my friends and family members who not only will miss me, but would really like to be flying away themselves. I live with the go-ingest people ever. In a few years, we’ll probably all over the planet.

But it dawned on me Wednesday as I was driving home that I can’t stop time. I can’t reverse it. I can only embrace the future as it comes, minute by minute. I love this future. I love this present. I’m very happy here. But I have to do as the song suggests and...

“Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder,
Dontcha know
The hardest part is over,
Let it end
Let your clarity define you in the end
We will only just remember how it feels


All lives are made in these small hours,
These little wonders,
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away, but these small hours
These small hours still remain


Let it slide
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Till you feel it all around you
I don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by
It’s the heart that really matters
In the end

All of my regret will wash away somehow,
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now

In these small hours these little wonders,
These twists and turns of fate..."

-Rob Thomas (if he's the one who wrote it)

I can't go back and I don't really want to. I can't stay here, and I don't really want to. I want to go where I'm going.

Unprojected Mole Removal

Today I cut Connor's hair. Again, which in itself is a little wonder. Poor Connor. Well, at least he has something to remember me by :) I had to leave my indellible mark.

I don't have a picture to post, because he protested both of the ones I took, and having already put him through all that trauma, I didn't have the heart to go through with it. Not that the haircut was bad. Actually, he looks great. We can see his head now...that's good. It's just that he wasn't prepared for Unprojected Mole Removal when I shaved the peach fuzz off his neck...

The trouble was that the clippers were set wrong, so no matter how hard I pressed down, I couldn't get the hair to detach itself. And of course it wasn't my neck, so I couldn't feel it, and I didn't notice how red it was getting. Well anyway, I sure don't know you could manage to remove skin without removing hair...

Actually, there was no blood. No blood at all. He's fine. He should be coming out from under the bed any time now...

Staring at Pine Cones

My hair is sticking up and I have what I think is a caffeine buzz from the half cup of coffee I had an hour ago. I'm all jittery, and it feels like caffeine...but coffee usually doesn't do that to me (not in that amount, anyway) So it feels wierd. Maybe my blood pressure is just up because of trying to load music onto my mp3 player :) Two different people have helped me and I still am really confused.

Today I thought of a definition for "stress."

Stress is when you try to control a world that is not meant to be controlled by human beings.

Besides fighting what feels like a losing battle with the mp3 player, I've been shopping and writing notes. Yesterday Mom and I had a very successful shopping trip in spite of rather major setbacks.

Our relatively new-and-shouldn't-be-having-problems van battery died and had to be replaced, and we found out the my grandfather had to go to the hospital with high blood pressure. After some hassle the van issue got resolved and Connor picked us up in his car to finish the shopping.

We were tempted to be upset by the van interruption, but I figured, hey, this is nothing to shopping in Ukraine, no doubt. My grandad's problem hasn't been too serious so far, although they moved him to the Shreveport VA clinic because he can get free care there.

So we were able to get all the toiletries I need to take (enough to last a month or two at least) and a few clothing items, and miscellaneous things like a converter and camera batteries. We actually found some sales at Kohls on winter things (what few there were), so I got a hat and two very nice scarves all for $13, which was a very pleasant surprise. I never do the shopping-for-winter-clothes-in-the-summer-when-they're-cheaper thing, so I was a little giddy over that.

God is so kind to work all these little things out for me and really "make the rough places smooth." It's actually a lot of fun to shop when there's a purpose and I can find what I intended to get!

We ate lunch at Jason's Deli (by this time Connor was with us). Connor had an ice cream cone that came with the meal, and he took it in the car afterwards. So we figured out that

Ice Cream + Stick Shift + East Texas July Heat= Major Drippage and/or Near Death Experience

Just kidding, Connor is a great driver and handled it fine. It was just funny to see him and Mom juggling his ice cream cone at stop lights :)

Hmm, on a different note...

I spent a lot of time today staring at pine cones. There are times when the most most useful thing to do is nothing...so I did it. Those pine cones were so pretty! They looked so perfect, but when I really looked at them, I realized that they weren't perfect at all. They all had flaws or gaps or pieces that stuck out funny. And the whole tree was irregular and sort of scrambled. It seems like everywhere I look I get the message:

You don't have to be perfect to be valuble or beautiful. Every tree and flower and person is different because God is creative and loves variety, and He can handle the wierdnesses we can't!

I keep trying to get everything in life straightened out, and I realize that a lot of my nervousness about the trip stems from a strain to get things "right." I want things organized and arranged and orderly, right down to writing updates. I want symmetry. And God keeps laughing and nudging me and saying, "Go on, mess up!" I don't mean "sin intentionally," but just "risk not having it all together."

I want symmetry, but God looks at the pine tree and says, "Be thou funky!" I don't handle disorder very well because I fear it will eventually result in chaos, but God knows exactly where it's headed, and He's not worried about it! Peace isn't the absence of disorder, it's the presence of God.

I want someone to be in control of the mess: It's God. I want someone to deal gently with me: It's God.

"One thing God has spoken,
Two things have I heard,
That You, oh God, are strong,
And You, oh Lord are loving."

Psalm 61: 11-12a

He is all powerful, He is completely loving, He is completely trustworthy.

Hug-Me the Old Bear

Well, since Lexie commented about Hug-Me, I decided I needed to introduce him to everyone, poor little soul. Although I can't say much, because my beloved childhood companion is now a yellowed, stained individual long since robbed of its head-stuffing. I can't bear to throw him away, but would never expose such a sacred relic to cyberspace. And no, I'm not taking my bunny with me to Ukraine.

Here is Hug-Me, who, like the Velveteen rabbit, is surely well on his way to becoming "real." He belonged to Mom when she was little, and then Connor, and now Ethan, when he feels the need. He has some patches. Connor took him to the hospital once and the nurse put bandaids on the places where the stuffing was coming out. Later, Mom bandaged him permanently with old socks, so now he's sort of...vintage...to put it kindly.

Reminders of Yoo-hoo and India

This morning I drove down to the nearest gas station to get some milk, as mom requested. Milk is the main drink around here (not to mention my favorite), besides water, so it's bad to run out. Ethan and his bear, Hug-Me, came along, and as we left I told him (Ethan, not the bear) he didn't have to wear shoes. The gas station was just down the road and it wouldn't be more than a few minutes.

When we got there, I realized I hadn't been thinking- no matter how short or long we were going to be there, Ethan still had to go into the store! It's not the nastiest gas station in the world, but it's not the Taj Mahal either.

"I'll just have to carry you," I told him.
"Can I bring Hug-Me?" he wanted to know. Sure, he could bring Hug-Me. I hoisted him up, and we went in, Ethan clutching Hug-Me and acting sort of babyish. My heart was soft on him this morning, so I let him pick out a drink. His quick choice was Yoo-hoo. Nothing like good ol' chocolate flavored water...

Crazy, the memories that Yoo-hoo slaps me with. I have a vivid picture of sitting in Such-a-Bagel, a now-out-of-business bagel shop near the present Marble Slab Creamery, when I was younger than Ethan. Three or four. I remember distinct pink and turquiose, but I can't remember whether the walls were painted those colors, or if it was the turquoise basket with my strawberry cream cheese bagel. And then there was Yoo-hoo. Always Yoo-hoo. It seems like this was a regular occurance, but I'm really not sure.

Anyhow, Ethan picked out his Yoo-hoo, and I got the 2 % milk and a USA Today for Dad, and kind of fumbled everthing to the counter where the cashiers were grinning at us. An Indian family runs the gas station, and we've gotten to know Mr. Raj, who has talked with us about India and actually given us Indian food before! They are really friendly, and sort of make me "homesick" for India.

Today Raj wasn't there, just a man and lady who are related to him (I think). I don't know them by name, but they seem nice too. I paid (and repaid when I gave the wrong amount) and then, since I was still holding Ethan, (who has the amazing power of gaining pounds by the minute), (and don't forget Hug-Me), the man offered to take my bag out for me. I was going to say it wasn't any big deal, but there were plenty of people around and I thought, "why decline a gentlemanly offer?" So I said,

"That would be great, actually," and we went out to the car, and I dumped Ethan and his woeful looking teddy bear in the side door of the van. So I drove home, reminded of the special place I'll always have in my heart for Indian people and asking the Lord to please let this sweet family come to know Him.

At home, Dad shook Ethan's Yoo-hoo for him and opened it, and I took a sip, just to see if it was anything close to what I drank at the bagel shop when I was "knee high to a grasshopper." Nope. 98% water, 2% chocolate milk (probably skim, at that). But Ethan liked it. And I liked it that Ethan liked it :)

I'm Not Actually a Turtle, but I Do Feel Like it Sometimes

I'm getting close to the end of the week! Work is almost done! I feel like I've been robbed of my soul. It's the first time I'll have worked 40 hours (and dare I say I hope it's the only time?).

No, really it has been an awesome job and I'm so thankful to have the money. I couldn't have asked for a better situation- Mrs. Castleberry is really kind and flexible and the hours were great. And she made us lunch :) And it's four miles from my house. The work is challenging, but my skills developed enough this past week that I don't feel like a nincompoop anymore. That's always a nice feeling...non-nincompoopness...and now that I'm more or less "trained," I'm leaving :)

Yay! I'm leaving!!!!! This week I realized just how much I miss my family when I'm not home. But it's not the same kind of missing as it will be when I'm really gone. It's the kind of missing you have when you glimpse them in the morning as you're spinning out the door with your tennis shoes half tied and your breakfast half-settled and see them again in the evening only when you're so tired you don't open your mouth for fear of snapping someone's head off. (I haven't worked past 5:30, but it felt like midnight to me.)

I want my family back! I don't like seeing them but not being able to connect. I think I'll adapt better in Ukraine, where I won't see them at all and can focus on the surroundings there. Hmm. I'm sure there will be a few tears, however.

I hope this is not really all complaining. This week has been so hard, and I keep feeling like I've failed the Lord. I complained a lot and said a lot of things that I didn't need to say, and I just couldn't pull myself together to do anything but work and go to the dentist. I really want to love people and have a soft heart, but my actions don't always demonstrate that.

I feel like I've fallen into a mode of having so much to do and plan that I'm becoming passive and not doing anything. I feel so disconnected from humanity, and yet, I feel too tired and too complainy to be with people.

I skipped out of a perfectly good party tonight because I'm just too wasted to cope with social life right now. I feel like an ogre for that, too, but truth be told, I would probably have huddled in the bathroom crying if I had gone. What can I say. Maybe I need to go meditate :) (By meditate, I mean on God, bty, lest you think the Eastern poetry stuff has gotten out of hand!)

So anyway...I will not always act like a drugged turtle. If you've read to the end of this post, thank you! The sun will come up again tomorrow :)

Fried Watermelon [Does Not] Taste Like Chicken

Yay! Mattie and her cake finally loaded! Happy Fourth of July late! She used strawberries and blackberries for the top. I thought that picture of her was really pretty (the cake too!).

Well...it finally happened. I got to fry some watermelon. Elizabeth, my cousin (not the one in Tennessee, but the one who lives next door) came down to our house this afternoon and invited me to come fry watermelon with her!!! I gladly assented.

So we cut up the watermelon, looked up the recipe on the internet, and fried away. Most of the bystanders were skeptical at first, and said it looked like raw fried chicken (which it did). But I think everyone was willing to try it in the end.

The finished product looked like Chinese food (from an American restaurant, that is) and did not taste like chicken, although your brain kind of expected that. The hot pieces were juicy and tongue-scalding, but we learned our lesson pretty quickly and let them cool off. The cooled ones, dipped in powdered sugar, were much better. Sort of a cross between donuts and fried green tomatoes, if you can picture that.

It was nice to have another experimental cook to try it with! I didn't really want to make them by myself for myself. Fun, fun, fun. I'm glad these little times are popping up before I leave.

Fireworks in a Little House

Happy Independence Day! Thanks to God's provision and the blood, sweat, and tears of our dear old forefathers, we get to live peacefully in this country with many freedoms and the chance to think and act creatively.

Here's a sample of creative thought and action right here:

This has been Dad's brainchild for the past couple of months (at least that's as long as I've known about it.) It's an Adirondack chair and table that he crafted with his bare hands (I was impressed!). And a handsaw, of course...or whatever kind of saw. Actually, a true Adirondack chair would be painted white (being from the Adirondacks, he knows these things) :) But he didn't paint this one, because white wouldn't look that nice on our porch.

Back when we were visiting Grandpa Pitz and Dad was looking through Handyman magazines, I mentioned that the wheels were turning...and look what happened!

So, it's the 4th of July, and I'm so glad I don't have to work today. We cleaned house because it was Time To Do It. Ethan is amazing us all with his neatness (which is almost extreme for a five year old!) One of his jobs is to move shoes in the utility room so that I can vacuum under them, and this how he did it:

They were not that neat before he moved them, and nobody told him to line them up like that!

I found Mom in the kitchen making watermelon balls a little while ago, and eyed the melon covetously. (I'm still awefully curious about that fried watermelon).

"You can't touch my watermelon!" she said. How grinchy. Oh well. Someday I'll move away and fry all the watermelon I want to and then she'll be sorry. So there. Just kidding! If you knew the experiments my Mom has put up with...I sure do love her.

Right now, Mattie, Connor, and Ethan are purchasing fireworks with Dad. We're having the Fritz's over for hamburgers, sausages, and (unfried) watermelon later on. Oh, and Mattie's lovely patriotic cake, which she courageously assembled with a badly swollen wasp sting! Now that's a true cook.

(I took a picture of Mattie and her cake, but it won't upload, so I'll try to put it on tomorrow probably.)

Last night, we went to some friends' rental property near the fairgrounds to see the firework show. I wasn't too excited, honestly, but once we got there it was great! Mom said "Whoa, Cass, two parties in a row." Yeah, yeah.

Fireworks are so expressive! The explosions of light and color are the tangible counterpart of abstract joy. The firework show was what my brain looks like on the inside when I'm happy :)

Epiphanies, expanding and expiring, one after the other, too close and too quick to be caught and packaged. Fireworks in a little house. That's what it's like inside when I'm happy.

Ethan was just in here with Mattie, glorying in his loot (after returning from the firework store). He had some firecrackers that look like tanks, and also some that look like snakes. Eying Leyla, he said,

"I'm gonna scare Ley Ley with my snakes. Cute little baby kitty!" Poor Ley. A bath and fireworks in the same day! It's Independence Day for most of us, but nobody said anything about cats.

In Which I Switch Gears at 20% and Tag Along With Dad

I arose from repose at the ripe hour of 9 o'clock this morning and got dressed, hearing voices downstairs and feeling anxious lest I miss that important hour of the day when the Walters family has a moot and plans for the day start piecing together. (It's nothing intentional or planned, understand...information just happens to get exchanged sometimes.) If I miss that crucial time, I feel kind of disoriented for the day.

While I was still fussing with my jeans, I heard Dad calling me, and bleary eyed, I went out to the landing. "Do you want to go to Tyler with me?" he asked. "I'm leaving in 15 minutes." My dear brain was still only running on 20%, but I managed to grasp what he said, and mumbled an affirmative.

It was pretty impressive, ya'll! I totally switched gears in a matter of seconds (while my brain was only functioning at 20%) and kicked into "go" mode. I showered neglectfully, dressed in something else, applied a little goop here and there as needed, and hurried downstairs. Dad had poured some grapenuts into the cruddy old blue mug with whales on it that I secretly like (oh well, now it's not a secret!), so I added milk and a teaspoon of sugar and headed out the door with a kiss from Mom.

We went to Tyler for Dad's doctor apointment, a checkup on his back required for Social Security purposes. I read World Magazine in the waiting room. The doctor congratulated him on getting Social Security and said "nothing new."

Then, we went to Barnes & Nobles. Why I keep letting this happen to me, I can't say, but once again I went into a book store with money, and...

I sat reading a book called Reaching Out, by Henri Nouwen, and when I had read maybe a third of it and had that sensation of someone-telling-me-what-I've-been-thinking-all-my-life-but-didn't-know-how-to-say, I thought "maybe I should just buy it." So I did. I have so many questions about life right now and I'm searching out so many things, I almost feel like these books I keep coming across are part of my "education." This living by faith thing is so crazy. I'm just trying to learn to listen to God's promptings and "buy" when He says "buy". So far He's blessing it!

It was past lunch time, but we hadn't eaten, so we stopped on the way home in Gladewater at a tiny restaurant called "Don Omar's" It's a little family business (I'm a bit partial to those!) and they have great Mexican food for a great price.

Our (at least my) favorite part about the restaurant is the waitress, though. She's eight years old, and a very charming hostess! She helps her mom translate orders. When she got us settled in with our food, she came over to our table and stood there in her yellow shirt and flouncy denim skirt. She regarded us with big brown eyes, serious but perfectly self-assured. She addressed my dad.

"So, is this your granddaughter?" Looks of mild amusement.

"No, she's my daughter."

"Does he look old?" I broke in, laughing. She nodded her head emphatically while poor dad protested. I mean, he's got a little gray up there, but he does not look old to me. But I guess when you're eight...

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Daisy," she said pertly.

"That's a pretty name," I replied, (what an original remark; don't you love small talk?) I was actually thinking how cute it was that she was named that because it fit her. Her shirt was sunshiny looking, and I wondered how such dark eyes could look so bright.

She did her job thoroughly. Every few minutes she'd return, flouncing.

"Need anything else?" she'd ask.

"Just a bigger stomach," Dad said. Mmm. Good food.

Channels of Water

So, I have a feeling that life is going to begin accelerating in the next week or two. Different things have come up that I need to start doing or maybe doing before I leave for Ukraine. Today when I realized that, a wave of weakness came over me suddenly and I felt completely drained, physically. Like something had zapped my energy source. You could say it's all in my head...I guess it was! But I felt completely limp.

I had lunch with Grammie and was polishing cabinets for her (one of the awesome little jobs God has given me!), and I mustered myself to finish that, and it was fine. I went swimming for a short time afterward, thinking that might be energizing, but then went home and ate some cereal. Then I went upstairs and did what I really, at the bottom of my heart, was hungry to do. I shut Laila out of my room and got on my bed, then opened up to Proverbs and read for a while. The only verse I remember now was the first one I read, from chapter 21:

"The kings heart is like channels of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it whereever He wishes."

It reminded me that whoever is in authority over me at any time whether people I work for, customs workers, government officials, pastors and teachers, my Mom and Dad, are all under God's authority. Usually my authorities are working for my good and I appreciate them very much, but sometimes I just feel helpless that decisions being made are out of my control. But this verse says that even the king's heart is subject to God. We are not at man's mercy, but God's, and He promises to work out all things for our good.

I'm not sure if that concept was even part of my struggle today, but somehow it comforted me, so I laid down and went to sleep, knowing I was right there with the Lord. When I woke up, I still felt bad physically, but I had so much worship in my heart for Him! I know I can go through whatever is ahead with a faithful heart.

While we swam at our cousin's above-ground pool earlier today, I got to see Ethan in action for the first time. Real pool action. He got right in without a floatation device of any kind and start playing around. He's finally tall enough to stand in the pool without being completely immersed. It's such a shock to see him in there like that after the past summers (even the beginning of this one!) when he spent the whole swim time basically trying to avoid getting wet. We played Marco Polo and then made a whirlpool. Mary and Ethan amused themselves by hanging on my neck like monkeys. It wore me out after a while, but it's kind of nice to spend some time being clung to by small beings under four feet tall. I rarely go up to swim with them.

Got to go now...I've overshot my time limit...

Yay, I'm not Obsessive Compulsive!!

It's nice to be back in my own habitat. I planned to sleep in this morning (Dad's suggestion), but I woke up at 7:22 needing to go to the bathroom. So I did, kind of hoping I'd be able to go back to bed and ignore the universe for another hour or so.

But I come back, and there is Ethan, camped out on the floor on Mattie's side with his pillow and what I assume to be a not-wet blanket. As in, dry. And clean. Unlike the bed he has left. He has a sheepish look on his face, which I've missed quite a lot the past few weeks of goneness...

So I tell him he can crawl in bed with me. You know, just this once. He happily does so. "There were three in the bed, and the little one said..." Actually there are four, because Laila is there too, twitching her tail and ready, as usual, to make trouble.

I give Ethan a ration of the blankets and then settle in to possibly go to sleep again (haha, nice idea) :) Two minutes pass. Then Ethan's voice: "Uh, Cass, your head is touching my shoulder" Yes, Ethan, my head is touching your shoulder.

"Is that ok?" I ask.

"Yeah. I thought it might hurt you."

"Nope. It doesn't hurt. Does it hurt your shoulder?"

"No."

I close my eyes and keep them closed. We carry on a pleasant conversation while my eyes are closed and my head is still touching his shoulder. It all goes in one ear and out the other, so to speak. Then, out of the blue:

"Goldilocks looks like you."

"She does? What makes you think that?"

I can't get a satisfactory answer, but Mattie agrees that I could look like Goldilocks...if I grew out my hair, curled it, dyed it, and got some colored contacts. I'm not sure why the colored contacts, because to my knowledge, Goldilocks's eye color is a fact lost to legend. But it stands to reason that all fantastic characters must have piercingly blue, warm chocolaty brown, sharp black, or sea grey eyes. Inbetweens are generally deemed unrecordable, unless they change by mood. Ooo! Scores for that.

Anyhow, after the discussion about Goldilocks eye color, we talk about other things. And then, the outcry from the small warm lump on my right side, whose arm is raised aloft in triumph:

"I have a booger!!!"

(Female reactions of surprise and mild terror)

Grabbing of kleenex-like object from nearby nightstand.

"Here, Ethan, put it here, put it here!" He's waving his the booger around on the end of his finger, enjoying his reign of terror.

"Put it here, Ethan!"

"It's gone," he chirps.

"Ethan!! Where?"

"To Booger Land." He's examining the brown bedskirt on my side of the bed.

"WHERE is Booger Land?" I demand. But the cause is lost. I think I know at least the general vicinity of Booger Land and the knowledge is too high for me- I cannot attain to it.

What would Mr. Monk say???

Epilogue:

The offending Booger was never located. We did wash sheets afterward, but I have resigned myself to dwelling in Booger Land. At least I know I'm not OCD.

Connor and His Car

Well then. Laila (the kitten) has invaded my lap, that is to say...I'm home from happy wanderings. Dad and I got in around 7:30 last night. Ah, the smell of home. There's nothing that makes you appreciate home so much as being away for a while. I think that trip was just what I needed to help me cope with the next six weeks or so before Ukraine. I've wanted to enjoy the time I have at home, but I needed a fresh perspective. Now I have it!

While I was gone, Mattie had a million friends over, Ethan's eyes got a couple shades bluer, and Laila grew several inches on ice cream they've been feeding her at night. Oh, and, big news! Connor got a car! I rode in it for the first time today on the way home from church. I like it. It's a '94 Toyota Corolla. Needs a little paint, but it gets great milage and it seems to have a good "personality." Connor refuses to name it though.

Watching a guy drive his first car is intriguing. There's a certain consciousness of himself, his surroundings, his power, that gives firmness to his arm on the wheel and straightness to his back. He is aware of it all while trying not to act like it, proud in a perfectly excusable and right way. It's quite a phenomenon to witness!

I'm so happy for Connor to have his own car. It's a stick shift, so I can't drive it, unless I venture to learn. He generously offered to let me learn in it, but we'll see.

Dad and I Have a Mammoth Adventure

Here are Dad and I, two happy wanderers. If we look sort of wet in this picture it's because we are wet. Rather, we are dripping cats and dogs. Inside a cave. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

This morning, we left Grandma's house, and I thought we were going straight home. But Dad surprised me with a detour and we went to Kentucky instead, to tour Mammoth Cave, proudly called the longest cave in the world- at 367 miles long.

Here's what it looked like inside:
Yep yep yep. It was cool. Really cool. 54 degrees, to be exact, which feels more like 40 when you're soaked to the bone.

We took one tour at 1:30, got back at 3:30, and sat waiting until 4:00 for the Historic Tour we had tickets for. As we sat at the visitor's center, we could hear thunder rolling closer and closer and see ominous clouds closing in. Finally the guide got everyone together and started his talk about how people with health problems shouldn't go 200+ feet underground, etc., etc.

We could tell everything was about to fall out, and we had a 5-10 minute walk down to the cave entrance. We dearly hoped the guide would save the gab for a nice dry spot inside the cave, but he didn't. As soon as we stepped out from under the shelter, the sky broke into a million pieces and kawoosh!!! More rain than I knew could fall in five minutes concentrated all its powers on our little group.

We hurried, but the rain wasn't hindered at all. My jeans were soaked, and I tried to keep the camera dry under my shirts, which were soaked too. Beside us, Mennonite parents held their little girl by the hands while she screamed and wailed in terror and the rain streamed down her braids and long dress.

Wow, was it cold inside! The cold damp seized us, and crept up our fingers and arms until we could hardly bend them. But we had a great tour. The guide told some interesting stories about a slave named Stephen Bishop who explored parts of the cave where no one had been before and then made accurate maps from memory afterwards.

And about how a doctor set up a Tuberculosis hospital in the cavern thinking the constant temperature and quiet atmosphere would help his patients. I think it helped hurry them on, actually. It only lasted ten months, and later they found out that TB patients needed warm, dry climates, not cold, humid ones.

Anyhow. That was our adventure. Hilariously cold, wet, and fun. We were ravenous and frozen when we got done, so we had a hearty supper and made it to this hotel in Clarksville, TN. The internet here is faster than my brain, which is very cool and a little bit scary. I guess I'll just enjoy it while it lasts :)

It was time for bed yesterday...I think I need to go to sleep now.

Sydney Learns About Poison Ivy and Dave Eats Cold Pancakes

It's our last day in Tennessee, and Lizzie and I are at Harmony House coffee shop with Liz's "Little Pal," Sydney. Liz goes to Bryan college, and they have a program where the students "adopt" a pal to mentor and hang out with. Sydney is seven, and she looks like a miniature Kiera Knightley-- only healthier and happier. Full head of brown curls, big hazel eyes. Liz picked her up earlier this afternoon and we went to the library, where Syd got a few books and I got a book of poetry by a man who is from Iceland and apparently likes classical music A LOT.

We went back to Grandma's and sat reading on the bed for a long time, and then I did Sydney's hair so that she looked like a beautiful little princess (well, she already did.) Just so you know, the thing shining behind my head is an ocelating fan, not a halo or anything interesting like that...

Then we went for a walk outside, Elizabeth donning her "gathering basket." She studies herbs and their medicinal value, and likes to pick whatever she can find around the yard. I found her teaching Sydney what poison ivy looks like, making her point to it with a stick whenever she found any. She would make a great botany teacher!

Kimmy and Aunt Ann are in Nashville doing some college stuff for Kim, because she's going to Belmont College there in the fall. So we said bye to them last night.

Earlier today, Elizabeths' fiance, Dave, came by. I had met him before, but not since they were engaged. So it was fun to see how they interact together. Liz had made some pancakes which were then cold, but she offered Dave some anyway. He ate two, and congratulated her on being the first person to have made a "cold pancake," while still lamenting their coldness. Later, Liz and I ate some more of them, and she said "It's like journey bread."

"Lembas bread!" I said.

"Nasty!" said Sydney.

So here's a picture of Dave and Liz:

That was after Dave had choked down the rest of his pancake. There was a better picture before that...

I Stand on What I Know

We’re back at Grandma’s house now, after leaving Grandpa’s around 9 this morning. Poor guy. He’s just so frail.

We took a scenic route back to Dayton along highway 58, I think, which proved to be entertaining. I spent some time trying to catch pictures out the window with my camera of extensive Christmas tree farms, pastures of hay bales, a river, and rolling blue hills in the distance. They didn’t come out very well, but the scenery was nice.

I also listened to music and ate my special cereal. The cereal successfully prevented carsickness on the windy roads, besides the fact that Grandma was driving, and that her car is obviously more compact than the van and doesn’t swish around.

Although the cereal really does look like dog food and nobody else in my family is crazy about it, I like it because it’s mild and comforting, and it has hearts in it. They’re not cutesy hearts, either, they’re nice, sort of serious looking hearts. There are hearts in the cereal because it’s presumably “heart healthy,” but I like to think of them differently. I ate them one by one and thought sentimentally that maybe each one could signify each person I love. But then, that sounds kind of bad, since I was eating them :P

I listened to two Desperation Band Cds for a long time, hugging my pillow and eating my cereal and thinking while the Virginia countryside went by. It’s been so nice to have a change of scenery, and I realized I’ve gone a whole week without the blues. But last night they hit me full force and it really caught me off guard, like a specter of fear, isolation, and bleakness suddenly appearing. Once again, I just feared “It.”

It’s a fear of waking up to the caving in, sinking feeling, over and over, morning after morning, feeling better, then sinking again. I fear the trap of its ugly embrace; I fear clawing out of a dark well towards foggy hope. It all came back, and I felt that all I’ve said and done and written was just a mask over the black hole inside me.

I’d love to be cheerful, happy, and contagiously joyful. I’d love to be a morning person, to wake up smiling and hopeful. But that’s not how it is, most of the time.

The line from the hymn ran through my mind…”Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow…” Bright hope? I thought. What bright hope? Of course there’s bright hope, I know there’s bright hope…I don’t have any reason to think there isn’t…but my sky was overcast, and bright hope didn’t make sense at all. It always comes, and then goes again, betraying me, abandoning me, leaving me alone to face this creeping darkness.

Desperately, I opened the Bible to the Psalms, where I started reading the 140’s. Psalm after Psalm of David’s cries seemed to match mine.

“The enemy pursues me
He crushes me to the ground
He makes me dwell in darkness
Like those long dead
So my spirit grows faint within me
My heart is dismayed within me
I remember the days of long ago
I meditate on all your works
And consider what Your hands have done
I spread out my hands to You
My soul thirsts for You like a parched land
Answer me quickly, O Lord;
My spirit fails
Do not hide Your face from me
Or I will be like those who go down to the pit
Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love…”
Psalm 143:3-8a

“When I am awake, I am still with Thee…” Psalm 139:18b

I was comforted enough to go to sleep, but today I thought about it all again while I listened to Desperation. The upbeat worship music was just what I needed. I needed to hear the words of truth from young, cheerful lips. Truth, truth, truth, truth, truth. My golden thread, my way out, my ticket to freedom.

It seems to be coming down to this: What do I believe? Truth, or a lie? God, or the bleakness? I was just on the phone with Lauren yesterday, and we’d been encouraging each other about God’s Spirit living in us. I’d been upbeat and encouraged. Then suddenly… this. All this time I’ve been saying I have His Spirit in my heart, that I love Him, that I know Him, that I trust Him. Now it’s time to stand up for it. I see a black hole. But if He said He’s in me, then He is. That’s all. And there’s no room for any kind of hole!

Desperation Band sings about joy all over the place. They sing about joy, and their music is full of happy energy. This song grabbed me--

“Whatever the day, I know
You carried the cross, for my soul
You bled for my sin beginning
Life for all, hope for all, joy for all unspeakable

Whatever the day, we know
You conquered the grave, saved the world
Now that we’re free believing
What we know who we know is the truth
So here we go

I know I know I know I know
You turned the world around
Now I have found the way that can’t be shaken
I know I know I know I know
You turned it upside down
Now I have found the life that can’t be shaken

And I stand on what I know.

It’s true so I believe it
It’s true so I believe in You
It’s true so I believe it
It’s true so I believe in You”
“I know,” Desperation Band

If He said it, it’s true. He said “abide in me, and I will abide in you.” (John 15) so…I guess it’s true! He’s like, “Don’t run away from home.” When I sleep, He will not leave me. When I wake, I am still with Him. I just stand, and keep standing. Believe, and keep believing. Cling, and keep clinging. The music heals my soul. His words strengthen me.

I had a silly thought of myself stuck in a tree, and Jesus climbing up to rescue me. And I thought, “What if there were poison ivy vines on it?” And He said, “I would still climb up.” :) It’s a funny childish comfort for basic childish fears.

“Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” “Though you pass through the waters, they will not overcome you, though you pass through the fire, you will not be burned.” (From Isaiah). “God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good.” :)