Anxiety Problems (Even the word "anxiety" itself looks stressed!)

Oh, how sweet is a quiet room.

My head hurts pretty bad right now and I'm just weak. The past week has worn me out, more mentally than anything. I'm trying to figure too many things out. They're the basic questions, like, "God, what do you want from me?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "How can I please You and the people around me?" It's been giving me a headache and some TMJ problems. But I guess today I realized that it might get worse before it gets better, and if I'm a hair twisting, indecisive, anxious mess for a while as I learn to trust my Savior, it's ok. I'll just have to be a mess right now. If I make myself sick from worrying, God is faithful enough to sustain me until I learn to trust Him. I am learning, it's just slow.

Since I'm staying with the Gollans, I'm going back and forth between their house and the Crowe's a lot. It's pretty convenient, because it's just a short walk, and I really enjoy being at the Gollans. However, it does present extra decisions to make, and I get anxious about deciding when I should go and stay, what I should do at the Crowes, etc. I get anxious deciding when I'm going to take a shower, when and where to eat, whether to check email or what I should do about the conference coming up, all sorts of little things. For so long, I've had my family to hide behind-- I always hung on my Mama's apron strings, and liked it! Now I'm shoved into deciding for myself a lot of the little everyday things that I took for granted at home, going places, making phone calls, buying stuff, etc. Yeah, I dithered a lot at home, too, but I dither a lot more here. I'm most comfortable alone in my room, and anything beyond that takes careful thought. Most of which can only be produced by consistent hair twisting. And when they say I can't twist my hair anymore...

The other day it was supper time, the food was ready, and I was starving to death. I'm used to my family, where when Mom has dinner ready, we all better be there to eat it, or else! At the Crowes' it's a little different, and sometimes the kids straggle in. I kept thinking I needed to wait till we all settled down to eat, but I my tummy was knawing my backbone, and I was getting antsy. So finally I guess I asked if it was ok to get some food or if we were going to all eat together...and Deb said with her usual cheerful grin, "Do whatever the heck you want!" That caught me off guard a little :) but that seems to be the general idea...that I should go ahead and act like a mostly autonomous adult, whether I feel like it or not. It's nice to have that freedom, I'm just being a big baby. I get so anxious about pleasing everyone around me and not wanting to be selfish...but at the same time being relatively satisfied...that I think I'll go crazy. So whatever the heck I want is just to be sane, at this point.

I know God is pinpointing this in my life because it's been an issue with me for so long. I'm excited that all this turmoil must mean good things are happening and that He's helping me grow up a little, and at the same time, grow more dependent on Him. I'm not growing into an independent, strong young woman, but rather a very helpless young woman who has God's creative, decisive, unchanging and always certain power :) I don't like being weak and silly, more than anything I just want Him to be gloryfied.

Last night I rode a bike for the first time in several years. Cheryl was going down to Masha's for the prayer meeting on her bike, so I borrowed a bike from the Gollans and went with her. I haven't had a bike since I was probably thirteen, and this one was on the large side for me, but we got along pretty well. I had trouble mounting my (somewhat) faithful steed a few times, but over all, it was a blast riding. We flew down the Big Hill, almost hit some cats, and then rode through the Center of town. I got quite out of breath trying to climb the long hill towards Masha's. All those gentle slopes are not so gentle anymore when you're on a bike. Especially if you're really out of shape! I loved getting some good exercise that had a point :) But my bum is way bruised.

Tomorrow I'm going to Kiev for the day with Cheryl. She has errands to run and I'm coming along. (Yay for me, I made a decision!) We'll ride the Marshruka (or however you pronounce the busline) in and then get a ride home.

Tonight a sad thing happened in the kitchen. We lost James. He was a colleague or Godfrey's-- they were the little salt and pepper shakers shaped like Italian restaurant waiters. Godfrey is short and fat and James (was) tall and thin. We named them a few days ago, and since then, have said whenever we needed one of those delightful seasonings, "Pass some James please," or, "Salt it up, Godfrey." Sadly, James came to an untimely demise at the cruel hands of our cold tile floor earlier this evening. Godfrey, however, contiunes to smile jovially from beneath his coal black mustache.

Some of the girls have come to hang out in the other room as they often do on Friday nights (here at the Gollans) so I think I'll go join them, as long as brain cells hold out...

Shthtung on the Tongue

(From Aug 24)

Yeth. Thasth whah happened yestherday when I accthidentally dwank a bee thath wath dwowning in mah jduice. Now I can’th swawow mah sawiva vewy wew, and I thalk with a lithp becauth mah tongue ith bigger than mah wowah wip.

Actually, the swelling has gone down and it barely hurts any more. But yesterday evening was pretty painful. I’m learning a thing or two about bees. I always thought “you leave them alone and they’ll leave you alone,” right? Wrong. First I let one crawl up my arm, and it stung me. Then, yesterday afternoon, I waltzed into the kitchen to get a sip of juice from my bottle, which was open on the counter, and naturally having my mind elsewhere and not expecting dangerous predators to be lurking in my drink, I took a swig and was jolted out of la la land by a near-electric shock.

I’m sure the bee was shocked, too. I yelled and ran to the sink, where I spit him out and he died. And then, stinging insanely, I ran for the vinegar and poured some in my mouth (yeah, I know, very smart!) So then I was burning as well as stinging. It felt like ridges of electric current flowing through my tongue, and I could feel it swelling.

It was extremely painful for several hours. Ibuprofen didn’t help. Talking was an adventure, as well as keeping my saliva behind my dwarfed lower lip. Actually eating supper was soothing, albeit a bit awkward. After a little while it really did strike me as being a comical situation- getting stung twice in one day and on the tongue, no less! Today it’s much better, only slightly swollen and a little sore.

It’s bed time, but there is so much to write about today. It’s been such a good day. Church is at night instead of morning, and market was this morning, so around 9 Bron and I met Marie (The Gollan’s oldest daughter, who’s 11) and we walked down together. I learned a couple of things about going to market:

1. Never buy more than you can carry.

2. Always bring a drink, because no matter how pleasant and breezy it is outside, you’ll be completely dried out by the time you climb back up the hill.

3. Bring bags, or you’ll have to buy them.

Yes, I did nearly buy more than I could carry. What with the blanket, the material, sweaters, bread, kefir, zippers, and fly paper wrapped in a big bundle, I felt like a pack mule. Oh, and we got some flowers too, but the girls carried those.

We went to a garage sale type thing where there were piles of second hand clothes, tablecloths, etc laid out on tarps, and looked for winter stuff, primarily a snow suit. Deb had been down earlier and found some inexpensive ones for the boys, so I thought I would look too. I didn’t find any there, but I did get a couple of sweater type things, some material for sewing practice (I would like to get the girls together to sew, but I’m not sure what we’ll make, and used pillow covers and tablecloths will be great practice material) and also a blanket.

I’ve been really wanting a “normal” blanket, and it’s such a great little blessing: I found this one for two dollars, and it is the same kind I use on my bed at home. It’s rather well-loved, but then, so is my one at home :) I think it will contribute greatly to my health :)

So, it was, as Marie stated with a sigh of satisfaction as we started home, “a good market day.” I enjoy going to the market whether I buy anything or not, because it’s a good chance to pick up on the culture and use a little bit of Russian. I actually saw a lady from church there—she came and tapped me on the arm and said “prevyit.” I recognized her but I couldn’t think from where, and then Marie helped me out.

I’m greatly encouraged about Russian. Thanks to anyone who’s lifted up prayers on whether I should learn Russian or Ukrainian. Of course I’m still not 100% sure yet, but I’ve been asking God to show me, and He seems to be guiding me towards Russian.

Last night, Cheryl was here for supper and I was talking with her about it, and she said that if I’m only going to be here a year, I should learn Russian, because most people hear can understand it and speak some, it would be much more useful later. And once again, I said, “But I’m not planning to go to Russia…” But she told me that she has friends in other countries like Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan (I can’t remember the exact ones she said, but they were around there) and they speak Russian there. Something inside me gave a little JUMP because I’m sort of drawn to those “Stan” countries for some reason…maybe just the mystery of them, I don’t know. And if I went there and could speak Russian??? Hmm. I really have no idea what God will do with me, but since the moment she said that, I’ve had more motivation to learn Russian.

This morning I was thinking about that again, and realizing that although it’s important to live “every moment to the hilt,” to quote Jim Elliot, it’s also good to look ahead. In the past I focused so much on the future that I ignored the present, so lately I’ve swung a little too far in the other direction! I’ve gotten burned out on the word “vision,” but suddenly I’m seeing that a little vision is good seasoning for everyday life, however flavorful it already is.

So I’m asking God for vision for what comes after Ukraine to give more substance to what I am doing here. Not in the way of “I’m not content here and can’t wait to leave,” but rather, “God has led me here and I want to use this time to the fullest for His glory and whatever purposes He has.” Because He’s definitely a God of mystery, and I can’t even guess what little things He’s using in my life to prepare me for later.

So, newly inspired, I sat down with my Russian books today at the green plastic table. Deb and I studied together for a while and didn’t feel like we were getting very far. Russian is very difficult. All that declining and conjugating and fuss about imperfective and perfective, nominative and genitive and accusative and dative…(yeah, we don’t get it either.) Latin and Spanish helped give me a foundation, but this is much harder than either one, and it doesn’t help that I picked a crummy grammar book that is written for people who have already probably majored in linguistics.

However, there were two encouragements. I found a group of nine verbs that act the same way and don’t switch endings when you aren’t looking, and they are important, useful verbs, so if I learn them, I’ll be doing well. And, tonight at church, Deb and I both discovered that we were understanding much more Russian during the singing and teaching than last week! I guess I’ve made more progress than I thought.

Church was sweet tonight. Once again, the singing in Russian, Ukrainian, and English was refreshing to hear, and I enjoyed the time in the Word. Daniel was talking about 1Timothy 4 and the discussion became quite lively when someone disagreed with a point he was making and then everyone talked about it. I guess I’ve never seen that before, but it was really good, I thought, to hear what different people had to say. It made me really think about it and examine the scripture instead of just listening and possibly tuning out.

We went home around 8 and had a young couple, Altu and Svetlana, over for supper. Altu is Turkish, and Svetlana is Ukrainian. They were really nice…Bruce is trying to convince Svetlana to give us Russian lessons, but…yeah. You can pray for that. We need a teacher! They had a great teacher in Kiev, but she’s, well, in Kiev.

I’ve so enjoyed having company over here. Bruce asked me why I get so intimidated by social interaction but yet love it when we have company. That’s simple. In a crowd, it’s up to me to participate, find people to talk to, find a “spot,” etc. At home, there is the security of a family circle that you are drawing the guests into, and there’s more focus. I feel free to enjoy being with people while not having the pressure to initiate anything. I already know who to talk to, and, to be honest, I just feel safer and more comfortable that way. I want to be willing to get outside of that comfort zone…but right now I’m already out a good deal just being here. Baby steps.

This morning, God GREATLY ENCOURAGED me with verses from Psalm 37 about my many life questions.

“Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to Him. Trust also in Him, and He will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the sun, the justice of your cause like the noon day sun.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently (longingly) for Him…”

More Fun Than Human Beings Deserve

Whoa!!! Three days till I leave! Here's how the packing is coming, in case you wanted to know:

This is not "everything," of course...but it's most of it besides clothes, laptop, and sewing machine. There is a method to the madness, although I'm not always clear on what that is :) The packing seems to be going smoothly, though. I separated the "stuff" by category in tubs and boxes and then listed it and then checked some things off the list...I don't know if this is being organized or being deranged, but I'm having fun and I can't think of any other way to do it. One moment I'm feeling like Super-Organiza-Woman, and the next I'm thinking, "Oh gosh, who am I kidding?"

In the midst of the madness, my parents have bought a new car. A "new" car...a cute, vibrant looking '03 Hyundai Santa Fe. Or Santa Fe Hyundai. However that goes. Here...see for yourself:

Mom and Dad have been praying and searching for a vehicle, because the van was getting pretty unreliable, and they wanted something with better gas milage. So they traded the van in this morning and bought this. So, bam!!! All of a sudden, there's a new car and no debt! Kind of miraculous :)

I do get this feeling though, that I'm being nudged out the door...the car only has five seats, and it's a standard, which I can't drive...(yet). When I'm home for Chirstmas, I'll have to learn. eek. It was sort of wierd realizing that this morning was the last time I'll drive until then. Unless, of course I end up driving in Ukraine...wouldn't that be a blast...

This morning Mom woke me up for coffeetime while it was still grayish outside. She came in and kissed my cheek, and then sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed my back very softly for a while. I cracked my eyes open and tried making some grateful noises. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed at the mercy God gives me through her.

I know how a bear feels when it's coming out of hibernation. The backrub got my blood circulating a little, which is always a nice advantage in the morning. What a lovely way to wake up. It just makes me sigh with happiness to think about it :)

Leaving is crazy. Prayer time last night was great. SO MANY PEOPLE CAME! It was a great time for everyone to visit. I loved just getting to come before the Lord and be free from worrying about the million prayer requests that could have been offered. God reminded me that He already knows what we need before we ask...so we were able to just have a sweet worship time, and I enjoyed hearing Connor play the guitar. I live with him, but I never seem to get to hear him play!

Yesterday I met the Murzins, Andrei and Olga, and their daughter Nadia, and two young boys. They're visiting from Kiev, and they've known Bruce and Deb for a while, so I'll be seeing them while I'm over there. Nadia is close to my age, and I like her already. It's exciting to already have that connection, and I was really glad I got to talk to them about some details for flying over and what not. I already have friends!

Meeting the Murzins made the fact that I'm going to a foreign country much more real, or surreal, I should say! It added a gravity to my giddiness, but was really good at the same time. Just as Mrs. Olga told me over and over "Don't worry, don't worry!" (I wonder why she said that? :), my worries really do fade when I look at the safety of being in God's hand. When I see all that He has done, the things that are so far beyond what I "deserve," I just have to love Him even more. And love turns into trust, and trust melts into peace.

This is "more fun than human beings deserve..."

I think somebody at World Mandate said that...

Bread on the Waters

I have a lot of thoughts right now, and some of them are coming up for air...

Bits of Ecclesiastes have been sticking to my brain like flies are supposed to stick on fly paper...(yes, my brain is a mess right now!) But hey, at least I've got Ecclesiastes :)

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made one as well as the other. Therefore, man cannot discover anything about his future." 7:14

"Cast your bread apon the waters, for after many days you will find it again...

As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things...

Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let not your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or if both will do equally well." 11:1, 5, 6

A few nights ago I was sitting on my bed thinking about going to Ukraine, and found myself saying, "I really don't know where I'm going."

You might say, "Well that's not true, you're going to Ukraine, right? To Rzchishiv?" It seems fairly "settled" as far as physical location goes. But for real, I felt like Abraham when he went out and didn't know where he was going. In my head, I know I'm going to Ukraine (barring unforseen detours), but it's like Ecclesiastes says, God has arranged life where we aren't going to be able to figure it out :) What a sense of humor.

The thing is, this traveling blind is kind of fun in the moments I recognize God at the wheel!

I was flipping through the devotional Streams in the Desert a few days ago at the Bourciers, and saw this phrase:

"You can trust the man who died for you."

So I want to cast my bread, my life, on the waters, on the altar to Him. He's the "God of my surrender," and I raise my white flag to Him over and over. I hope He will take me prisoner so that I can finally be free :)


P.S. Ethan just finished giving his rough, tough GI Joe a bath...it just struck me as funny that most little boys would be taking their army men out to the dirt pile, while Ethan is giving his a bath :) But don't worry, he has spends plenty of time getting grubby!