Oh, how sweet is a quiet room.
My head hurts pretty bad right now and I'm just weak. The past week has worn me out, more mentally than anything. I'm trying to figure too many things out. They're the basic questions, like, "God, what do you want from me?" "What am I supposed to be doing?" "How can I please You and the people around me?" It's been giving me a headache and some TMJ problems. But I guess today I realized that it might get worse before it gets better, and if I'm a hair twisting, indecisive, anxious mess for a while as I learn to trust my Savior, it's ok. I'll just have to be a mess right now. If I make myself sick from worrying, God is faithful enough to sustain me until I learn to trust Him. I am learning, it's just slow.
Since I'm staying with the Gollans, I'm going back and forth between their house and the Crowe's a lot. It's pretty convenient, because it's just a short walk, and I really enjoy being at the Gollans. However, it does present extra decisions to make, and I get anxious about deciding when I should go and stay, what I should do at the Crowes, etc. I get anxious deciding when I'm going to take a shower, when and where to eat, whether to check email or what I should do about the conference coming up, all sorts of little things. For so long, I've had my family to hide behind-- I always hung on my Mama's apron strings, and liked it! Now I'm shoved into deciding for myself a lot of the little everyday things that I took for granted at home, going places, making phone calls, buying stuff, etc. Yeah, I dithered a lot at home, too, but I dither a lot more here. I'm most comfortable alone in my room, and anything beyond that takes careful thought. Most of which can only be produced by consistent hair twisting. And when they say I can't twist my hair anymore...
The other day it was supper time, the food was ready, and I was starving to death. I'm used to my family, where when Mom has dinner ready, we all better be there to eat it, or else! At the Crowes' it's a little different, and sometimes the kids straggle in. I kept thinking I needed to wait till we all settled down to eat, but I my tummy was knawing my backbone, and I was getting antsy. So finally I guess I asked if it was ok to get some food or if we were going to all eat together...and Deb said with her usual cheerful grin, "Do whatever the heck you want!" That caught me off guard a little :) but that seems to be the general idea...that I should go ahead and act like a mostly autonomous adult, whether I feel like it or not. It's nice to have that freedom, I'm just being a big baby. I get so anxious about pleasing everyone around me and not wanting to be selfish...but at the same time being relatively satisfied...that I think I'll go crazy. So whatever the heck I want is just to be sane, at this point.
I know God is pinpointing this in my life because it's been an issue with me for so long. I'm excited that all this turmoil must mean good things are happening and that He's helping me grow up a little, and at the same time, grow more dependent on Him. I'm not growing into an independent, strong young woman, but rather a very helpless young woman who has God's creative, decisive, unchanging and always certain power :) I don't like being weak and silly, more than anything I just want Him to be gloryfied.
Last night I rode a bike for the first time in several years. Cheryl was going down to Masha's for the prayer meeting on her bike, so I borrowed a bike from the Gollans and went with her. I haven't had a bike since I was probably thirteen, and this one was on the large side for me, but we got along pretty well. I had trouble mounting my (somewhat) faithful steed a few times, but over all, it was a blast riding. We flew down the Big Hill, almost hit some cats, and then rode through the Center of town. I got quite out of breath trying to climb the long hill towards Masha's. All those gentle slopes are not so gentle anymore when you're on a bike. Especially if you're really out of shape! I loved getting some good exercise that had a point :) But my bum is way bruised.
Tomorrow I'm going to Kiev for the day with Cheryl. She has errands to run and I'm coming along. (Yay for me, I made a decision!) We'll ride the Marshruka (or however you pronounce the busline) in and then get a ride home.
Tonight a sad thing happened in the kitchen. We lost James. He was a colleague or Godfrey's-- they were the little salt and pepper shakers shaped like Italian restaurant waiters. Godfrey is short and fat and James (was) tall and thin. We named them a few days ago, and since then, have said whenever we needed one of those delightful seasonings, "Pass some James please," or, "Salt it up, Godfrey." Sadly, James came to an untimely demise at the cruel hands of our cold tile floor earlier this evening. Godfrey, however, contiunes to smile jovially from beneath his coal black mustache.
Some of the girls have come to hang out in the other room as they often do on Friday nights (here at the Gollans) so I think I'll go join them, as long as brain cells hold out...
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2 comments:
you are definitely in a different position than most young adults find themselves in. you're not living with "roomates" where you have your life and they have theirs and you're just sharing a physical shelter. you're not being employed by a family where certain rules and requirements have been outlined for you to follow and fulfill and you have certain days off. and your not just out on your own, having to make your own meals, make money, pay bills, and all those wonderful scary adult decisions. instead your in a totally unique situation.
i definitely tend to NOT speak up when i'm in a "hairy" situation-like the dinner thing-i probably would have waited until i was invited to eat, so way to go for speaking up!
i think it would be very appropriate to sit down with bruce and deb and simply ask what they expect in certain areas. (i'd probably have to have notes cause i'm definitely a planner and would forget things). if you're a planner, it's hard to fly by the seat of your pants, and there's nothing wrong with needing a little plan as long as it's flexible and lead by God. just tell them you'd like a better idea of what they want you to do.
at times when you just maybe want something to eat, just say, "i'm gonna grab a bite to eat, can i get you something?" that shows consideration for others around you, you're not just being selfish. or "i was thinking" is a good way to bring something up, "i was thinking i'd like to go to the market tomorrow, were you planning on going already?" or "is there anything you need while i'm there?" i think what you need is just some pointers in HOW to say what you want, without necessarily asking for permission, but showing consideration to those around you. ask God to give you the words to speak, and He will!
Hey Cass,
Dana's got some good, practical advice here. I have forgotten how much I was like you. I remember being sick while camping with Mike and Janet (this was before your dad and I ever met). At one point I had fever and was on the verge of fainting before I ever spoke up and said anything. Sounds silly, but I just kept on acting like I was okay. Even if you don't get to the point of sitting down and actually having a meeting, you can at least learn to speak up in a way, like Dana said that is considerate. Just keep in mind, even if you snap or bark they'll still love you, and you haven't lost your Christianity.
Mom
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