It's raining deliciously outside and I'm curled up in bed under a downy comforter at the Gollan's. As I said in an email earlier, life the past few days has been pretty taxing, but today felt more like an adventure. Not a big earth shaking adventure, just a day of expectancy and the sense that I don't know what will happen next, but it's going to be ok.
I honestly thought I was flexible until I came here. And then I realized I totally had myself fooled. Time has a way of slipping along here so that you can easily have only finished breakfast by 9 or 10. Then around 10:30 it's time to fix coffee for the worker(s), and of course coffee sounds so good to everybody else that out come the little orange cups...and the coffee...and tea...and hot chocolate mix...and milk...and sugar...and then you clean it all up again (maybe) And then suddenly it's 12 and nobody's thought about lunch, and the Russian teacher's coming in an hour.
This was the case today, and Deb needed to pick Sveta up and run to the store, so suddenly I was whipping out chicken noodle soup in record time...unplanned...unprecedented...I don't know how to make chicken soup, but I suppose there's not a wrong way. I dumped in so many noodles and potatos and veggies and chicken it ended up being a big pot of mush, but it was so comfortingly warm that no one complained :) As she was rushing out the door, Deb came and hugged me and thanked me, with some comment about the craziness. I said,
"Half the time I love it, and half the time I'm pulling my hair out!" (almost literally) and she laughed and said,
"It's great preparation for motherhood!"
Yeah, it's preparing me for something crazy, that's for sure. I'm slowly learning to plan, but be ready to abandon plans at a moment's notice without looking back. I have a new sympathy for Lot's wife...hey, she just wanted her security. But nope. When God says go, we have to be quick. Do I really need to be right? To be certain? To be safe in my bubble? Gee, would I make a great pillar of salt.
I fight for sanity in a house where nothing has a belonging place because there are no closets and no shelves, besides the kitchen ones. I spend a whole lot of time looking for things, often things that don't belong to me. They usually belong to people under three feet tall who are old enough to use then but not old enough to remember where they left them. I know this isn't easy for Deb, either. You wouldn't believe how giddy she gets over the thought of shelves...unless you were here, that is :)
It takes a lot of energy, thought, and constant attention, not to mention mass quanitities of grub, to simply fuel six active kids. (All boys but one). It strikes me as odd, but probably the greatest satisfaction I find in the little jobs I do throughout the day is in feeding these little men. This morning as I was frying Clark (2 yrs) his second egg, he held up his little red bowl and said, "Man, I love eggs!" We eat eggs by the carton full around here, so all morning this morning it was two eggs and a toast for so and so, another batch for so and so and a tea for so and so...but I find great delight lurking in there somewhere :) I think I'd rather be in the kitchen than anywhere else, though I know that will come as a great surprise to my Mom...
In a lot of ways I'm enjoying this, but it's also really hard. Deb had a great talk with me the other day just helping me know a little more of her perspective on me being here, and that really helped me feel more secure. I'm glad that we had that communication. Although things are good relationally, the bottom line is that I'm in a foreign country with a family that isn't the family I've lived with for nineteen years, and no matter how glad I am to be here, I have a lot to work through. It's comforting to know that nobody can possibly have as many problems with me as I have with myself :)
I'm embarressed at how badly I handle stress. I so want to be this serene, peaceful, joyful, lifegiving, vibrant young woman, but when the least little pressure comes, I want to cave in. I've noticed a pattern, that when I am under pressure (usually an imagined one) or doing something I don't really want to do or know how to do, I instantly feel drained and my head starts aching. It's instant. It's in my head, I guess, but it literally affectes my body. So I'm wondering how to combat that. It sounds like something I should have grown out of when I was 8. ("I can't clean the dishes, I have a tummy ache!") Yeah. I keep thinking of that verse in Romans 8 that says "He will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit which dwells in you..." So I guess I have to stand on that and keep pressing forward.
I'm thankful for really good sleep. I've been sleeping really well, probably thanks to the cold weather and warm blankets. I do get so exhausted by the end of the day though...around 8 I'm the yawn factory. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of venturing out of the house (or one of my two adopted houses) I guess doubly so because it's cold and raining.
So, I'm really laying it out here, guys. I hope this isn't too complainy...I'm just telling what's going on with me. It's not bad necessarily. I'm confident that God is working and maybe the intensity of that is what's making me so tired out. But you could just pray for continued grace while I'm learning these life lessons. The biggest temptation I have is to fall into thinking "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just get over it? Why am I tired all the time?" and then I start shrinking into a tight little ball of anxiety, and it's downhill from there.
This afternoon I spent with the Gollan kids while Daniel and Priscilla were away. It's fun being around little girls for a change. They're just so different from boys...easier in some ways and harder in others. I haven't painted such little nails or heard such shrill screams in quite a long time...
We watched 101 Dalmations in the cubby the kids had made. It was warm in there, and I almost fell asleep with a bowl of popcorn on my stomach, smelling Ellie's sweet hair shampoo. Mmm. We heated leftovers and the girls made a salad for supper, and I enjoyed sitting down to a meal together, having conversation...it's fun to talk with kids. Jess explained that he likes to argue for fun and that he wants to be president someday. Marie said she doesn't want to give up her last name when she gets married because she's proud of her family name. Angel informed me that she doesn't like meat, and ate her spaghetti with ketchup instead. Ellie didn't say much, except that she needed a glass of water, which she gulped down to assuage the trauma of eating vegetables.
So tomorrow is a new day, and I'll probably go early to market in the rain. Don't know yet if I'll be walking or riding. It's supposed to rain for the next week, I think. It's sort of inconvenient, but other than that I love it.
I bid you all da svydanya...
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3 comments:
I love you! Is it possible to stress yourself out by trying to rest? I think so! I think you're doing great; although the situations don't sound familiar the emotions do. Our hearts are being taught to rest by a good Teacher. Just look at it this way: we must be ahead just to know that it's possible! =)
Dear, sweet Cass! How I love your wanderings...even if they are complainey. I just wanted to lurk a minute and leave, but had to let you know I was here and now want to tell you something. God wants more than anything for us to find out what you said a long time ago...we are too small to mess up our own lives. It is ALL His responsibility. We've handed it over to Him, and He gladly took it and we can't take it back. It's His faith and His keeping! And He is VERY good at it.
He's been teaching your Mom & I for quite some time that when we are even the least bit anxious, or fretful, or out of sorts, or tempted to be bull-headed (that would be me, not your Mom), or controlling that there is a fear lurking at the bottom of it. Perfect love casts out fear and over and over He tells us DO NOT BE AFRAID. Not of what's outside us or inside us. He is intimately acquainted with ALL of it and is accomplishing what concerns us. There really is NOTHING to be afraid of. Each time I face this and ask Him to get to the bottom of it He does. As time has gone on, my senses are getting more and more aware as He has trained me, just as He's doing with you.
He's inviting you to rest in the unchangeable, eternal truth that for Cassie to live IS CHRIST! No matter how you look or feel or perform. There is no other Cassie. He is your only life. He is one with you! Yes, it is a mystery, for you are still you and He is still He, but ONE nonetheless. So enter into His REST and cease from the laboring. Give up yourself entirely as your point of reference and get up there with Him and how He sees. He's really not looking for accomplishment and effort...He's looking for trust. There is so much freedom and joy from His perspective! Do you love Him enough to obey His command to trust Him to live through you where and when and how He needs to to build His Kingdom in the little 'kingdom' where you find yourself for such a time as this?
I love you and am so excited about what He's doing to reveal and to form His Son in you, Lauren, Gracie & other young-uns. It's downright amazin'. What would Sarah and the girls say!?! Heehee...
What great encouragement!
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