Happy Birthday Bailey!!!
Best birthday wishes...and for moving too :) I hope you've had a happy day.
Your friend, Cass
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Sunday Morning, Part 2
If you're going to bother to read this, you might as well start with part 1...(the last post)
So, after Sunday School, where I became very excited about how God is going to show us things we haven't encountered before (in my case, I'm thinking of His glory in the church, His people) we went into the sanctuary for the worship service. That was when we sang the song about the mountains trembling...and I loved it!
So, after Sunday School, where I became very excited about how God is going to show us things we haven't encountered before (in my case, I'm thinking of His glory in the church, His people) we went into the sanctuary for the worship service. That was when we sang the song about the mountains trembling...and I loved it!
"We can see that God You're moving a mighty river through the nations..."
"For I will pour out water on the thirsty land,
and streams on dry ground;
I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring,
and my blessing on your descendants.
They will spring up like grass in a meadow,
like poplar trees by flowing streams.
One will say 'I belong to the Lord;'
another will call himself by the name of Jacob;
still another will write on his hand, 'The Lord's,'
and will take the name Israel. " Isaiah 44:3-4
We have brothers and sisters all over the world...and God's Spirit connects us, even when we can't speak the same language. Just like when I look at the pictures of Compassion International, I have to adjust when I think of the church in other nations. In so many places, she is suffering...and yet it's that suffering that brings them close to God, to each other. It's hard to accept, and maybe that's part of the huge struggle for me and so many others in America's churches...we have such comfortable lives...sometimes if we are going to suffer, we have to actually choose it- choose to get outside of the comfort. This is the place I am: a place of longing to be like Christ and share with His people, but struggling to lay down my life and my comfort to come and die. Hearing about the three believers who were martyred in Turkey last week and praying for them as a church body just brought this in a lot closer. It's not just Turkey...it's India, where people I know and love and have fellowshipped with are in danger every day for the sake of the gospel. It's in Pakistan, its in Afghanistan, in Niger, Indonesia, Egypt, China. So many places.
There's such beauty in store for His precious saints! When I think of the people who die for His sake, I feel so ashamed of my own small struggles. My giving up my life is giving smiles to children, is giving mere minutes to do someone a favor, is battling over whether I should give ten dollars to this or that. But I am not ashamed, because Colossians 1:12 says that the Father has "qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light." I'm qualified! His grace qualifies me. I share with those who overcome, and I will overcome these things because of His great strength.
Sunday Morning, Part 1
Did You Feel The Mountains Tremble?
Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar?
When the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one
Did you feel the people tremble?
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one
And we can see that God you're moving
A mighty river through the nations
And young and old will turn to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord
Open up the doors and let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing
Songs that bring your hope
Songs that bring your joy
Dancers who dance upon injustice
Did you feel the darkness tremble?
When all the saints join in one song
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our brokeness
And here we see that God you're moving
A time of Jubilee is coming
When young and old return to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord
by Martin Smith
People, if I were a more punky person, I would say that the lyrics of this song totally rock my socks off. Ok. Maybe I'll just say it. THIS SONG TOTALLY ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF!!! (Sorry, sophisticated friends.) I love this song, and what it means to me. We sang it yesterday morning at church...oh, excuse me, "with church" (because the church is God's people, right?) My TotalSocksRockedOffness started earlier in the morning, actually, when we walked into church (you know what I'm talking about...the building) and this sweet brown face with these fuzzy little curls and captivating brown eyes met me in the foyer. The little girl wasn't really there. She was in Africa, but her picture was on a poster for Compassion International. A dozen other faces were pictured on the table...its very hard to look at them. They rouse my compassion, and yet there's a painful challenge to wake up for real...to open up somewhere inside and dig out the holes that are filled with me so that these little children can fit in my heart. There isn't room there yet. They've been tapping on the door of my heart, and sometimes pounding, and sometimes squeezing in when I'm not watching. But these children are dirty, and smelly, and they are so, so poor, and their needs are so huge...I'm afraid. If I let them in, they will trample my nice clean spot in here, and they'll want something from me...they'll take my time, my money, my energy, my health...everything. If I give something, I have to give everything, and there's no holding back. If you give a mouse a muffin, you know! But I want to love them, because Jesus does, and because I know that the only way to get real life is to give mine away. So I continue looking at the pictures. I refuse to flinch and turn away, though I stand by the blaze to be branded.
So my heart was already beyond our borders for the morning, not that I was ignoring everyone here (I hope), but my heart was already stirred. Then we went into Sunday School...there was Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things which you do not know."
Lately I've been longing for fellowship...the kind where you are in God's word and sharing it, giving thanks and testimonies, and "psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs." Its something I've only tasted...I haven't fully known God's power this way. The power of His healing for people and nations...children in the city streets. The power of Acts, the power of the disciples following Jesus and then coming together to be His church. I see this happening in other countries...China, and India, and Afghanistan, and others. Great and mighty things. I've been disconcerted by, and critical towards, America's institutionalized church with its programs and structure and big buildings and affluence...so dissatisfied with the coldness and separation of churchy church...but I have to confess my hard heart.
Forgive me, Lord, and forgive me dear friends, for condemning the church as I've experienced it. I only condemn myself. I don't think any of us want to be apathetic or stagnant...but we've been lulled into this. I've grieved the Lord with my complaining, and even now I want to be careful of generalizing and stereotyping American Church...because its not all apathetic and even yesterday I was just so blessed by the body of Christ, by those around me and God's Spirit. I'm ready to quit pointing my finger. "We war not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Eph. 6:12. This sounds pretty stiff, but its God's word. And honestly, it encourages me because I don't have to be so disappointed and resentful towards the church! I can't be offended or depressed by the apparent apathy or reserve conerning spiritual things that I sense form others... I am no better...I walk into a crowd at church and sometimes feel very lost and alone. And sometimes I feel just as lost and alone, or more so, when I am face to face talking with friends because I know there is so much more to talk about than what we did yesterday, but I don't know how. I don't want to be that way...and I don't think they want to either. Something besides flesh and blood holds us back. But isn't God's power much greater? And doesn't He come visit us when we repent?
For long enough now I've held this judgement in my heart, and God is slowly turning that outstretched finger inward. I just want to take the forgiveness He offers, to live in that grace, and to lavish that grace on my brothers and sisters. We are all followers of Jesus, struggling with the same problems.
I've been pondering Isaiah 58 a lot lately...
6 Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: To loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn and your healing will quickly appear...
9 then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and He will say: Here am I. If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry, and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like noonday.
11 The Lord will guide you always, and satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters do not fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
13 If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath, and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight, the holy day of the Lord honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
14 then you will find your joy in the Lord, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land, and to feast on the inheritance of your Father Jacob. The mouth of the Lord has spoken."
Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar?
When the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one
Did you feel the people tremble?
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one
And we can see that God you're moving
A mighty river through the nations
And young and old will turn to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord
Open up the doors and let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing
Songs that bring your hope
Songs that bring your joy
Dancers who dance upon injustice
Did you feel the darkness tremble?
When all the saints join in one song
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our brokeness
And here we see that God you're moving
A time of Jubilee is coming
When young and old return to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord
by Martin Smith
People, if I were a more punky person, I would say that the lyrics of this song totally rock my socks off. Ok. Maybe I'll just say it. THIS SONG TOTALLY ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF!!! (Sorry, sophisticated friends.) I love this song, and what it means to me. We sang it yesterday morning at church...oh, excuse me, "with church" (because the church is God's people, right?) My TotalSocksRockedOffness started earlier in the morning, actually, when we walked into church (you know what I'm talking about...the building) and this sweet brown face with these fuzzy little curls and captivating brown eyes met me in the foyer. The little girl wasn't really there. She was in Africa, but her picture was on a poster for Compassion International. A dozen other faces were pictured on the table...its very hard to look at them. They rouse my compassion, and yet there's a painful challenge to wake up for real...to open up somewhere inside and dig out the holes that are filled with me so that these little children can fit in my heart. There isn't room there yet. They've been tapping on the door of my heart, and sometimes pounding, and sometimes squeezing in when I'm not watching. But these children are dirty, and smelly, and they are so, so poor, and their needs are so huge...I'm afraid. If I let them in, they will trample my nice clean spot in here, and they'll want something from me...they'll take my time, my money, my energy, my health...everything. If I give something, I have to give everything, and there's no holding back. If you give a mouse a muffin, you know! But I want to love them, because Jesus does, and because I know that the only way to get real life is to give mine away. So I continue looking at the pictures. I refuse to flinch and turn away, though I stand by the blaze to be branded.
So my heart was already beyond our borders for the morning, not that I was ignoring everyone here (I hope), but my heart was already stirred. Then we went into Sunday School...there was Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things which you do not know."
Lately I've been longing for fellowship...the kind where you are in God's word and sharing it, giving thanks and testimonies, and "psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs." Its something I've only tasted...I haven't fully known God's power this way. The power of His healing for people and nations...children in the city streets. The power of Acts, the power of the disciples following Jesus and then coming together to be His church. I see this happening in other countries...China, and India, and Afghanistan, and others. Great and mighty things. I've been disconcerted by, and critical towards, America's institutionalized church with its programs and structure and big buildings and affluence...so dissatisfied with the coldness and separation of churchy church...but I have to confess my hard heart.
Forgive me, Lord, and forgive me dear friends, for condemning the church as I've experienced it. I only condemn myself. I don't think any of us want to be apathetic or stagnant...but we've been lulled into this. I've grieved the Lord with my complaining, and even now I want to be careful of generalizing and stereotyping American Church...because its not all apathetic and even yesterday I was just so blessed by the body of Christ, by those around me and God's Spirit. I'm ready to quit pointing my finger. "We war not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Eph. 6:12. This sounds pretty stiff, but its God's word. And honestly, it encourages me because I don't have to be so disappointed and resentful towards the church! I can't be offended or depressed by the apparent apathy or reserve conerning spiritual things that I sense form others... I am no better...I walk into a crowd at church and sometimes feel very lost and alone. And sometimes I feel just as lost and alone, or more so, when I am face to face talking with friends because I know there is so much more to talk about than what we did yesterday, but I don't know how. I don't want to be that way...and I don't think they want to either. Something besides flesh and blood holds us back. But isn't God's power much greater? And doesn't He come visit us when we repent?
For long enough now I've held this judgement in my heart, and God is slowly turning that outstretched finger inward. I just want to take the forgiveness He offers, to live in that grace, and to lavish that grace on my brothers and sisters. We are all followers of Jesus, struggling with the same problems.
I've been pondering Isaiah 58 a lot lately...
6 Is this not the kind of fasting I have chosen: To loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn and your healing will quickly appear...
9 then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and He will say: Here am I. If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry, and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like noonday.
11 The Lord will guide you always, and satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters do not fail.
12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
13 If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath, and from doing as you please on my holy day, if you call the Sabbath a delight, the holy day of the Lord honorable, and if you honor it by not going your own way and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
14 then you will find your joy in the Lord, and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land, and to feast on the inheritance of your Father Jacob. The mouth of the Lord has spoken."
Friday, April 20, 2007
The Greatness Thrust Apon Me
Today I went fullblown grocery shopping for the first time, at Walmart. I'm not sure if I was born for this Greatness or if this Greatness was thrust apon me (I think the latter), but I could warm to it. It was with a queer sense of adventure and responsible delight that I selected a buggy (yes, I do call it that) and charged into the store, smiling shyly at everyone. I never do know how to behave in public. I feel like I'm moving in a bubble and I'm going to break things...and...I don't know...like I'm in a completely other world. Its crazy and a bit disconcerting being in the same building for two and a half hours with a so many people and hardly talking to a soul. But- the shopping. Mom's precise list and instructions made my job incredibly easy and to the point...among all the food choices in this incredibly wealthy country, it was kind of a relief to go Great Value Brand all the way (nearly). The produce department was my hairiest moment. I haven't figured out if I was born for Grocery Shopping Greatness yet, but I was most definitely born a pennypincher...encouraged by a certain budget, of course. Decisions... math too, I'm afraid. Is it better to get five pears or four pears and two mangoes? Mangos won. They were on sale, and they're so...exotic :) Well, I sailed through with flying colors, a few cell phone calls, and slightly achy feet. I had 15 cents leftover, which made me very proud of my dear little column of figures, and so excited that God knew what was in my pocket. I just love Him!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Creechy Sandcastles, etc.
So, Ethan asked me out today. Asked me out to play cows on the bridge in our woods, that is. We ended up building sand castles by the creek. It was pretty, peaceful, and cool out there...the cool, squishable, grainy sand felt so good between my fingers...like cold brown sugar. Anyone who takes time out to be with Ethan is his hero of the hour, and since I haven't done it much at all lately, it surprised me a little to find how lovable and sweet he is...although he still already knows everything I know, and more, at age four... and tells me so at every opportunity. I still find that I have influence though. The Bad Indian Fortress suddenly became a Good Indian Fortress when I began building one, and as soon as I planted a tree in my castle, he had to have one too.
The poor kid must be desperate if he thinks its fun to build sandcastles with me. I didn't even sit down in the sand, for heaven's sake...or take off my shoes. Actually, it would have felt good to sink my toes into some of that perfect dirt. As it was, I just mentally planned a creekside picnic (in swim suits) when I'll be happy to dive in and get in the dirt for a change. Yes, somebody please hold me accountable to this!
The other reason I don't see why Ethan can tolerate me as a playmate is that my architechtural and strategic capabilities are sorely lacking. My castles are partially cylindrical blobs with something akin to roads leading out of them...no fortifications, really...and random seedlings *ahem*, trees up at high points. But, can you believe it? He wants to copy my ideas! Its a good thing the poor little fella spends more time with Connor than with me. In the end we had a bunch of mysterious sandy mounds with little or no comprehensive order or use...a passing woodsman might have viewed them with the same puzzlement and awe inspired by Stonehenge (if they had been a bit bigger, that is.) Hey, maybe that's the explaination for Stonehenge after all...providing,
a) that giants did exist
and
b) that giants had the same sort of family life
maybe a sister giant went out in the woods with her little brother giant and they made sandcastles...and then the sandcastles petrified, the creek dried up (and the trees got cut down), and wa-la! Stonehenge! Yes, I'm sure that's how it happened.
Spending quality time with Ethan is something I don't do very much, and want to do more...even if its hard sometimes to pull myself out of my own little (quite little) world. There are definitely some rich rewards. I think one of my favorite things about spending time with kids in general is hearing the hilarious things they have to say- and their honest, sometimes quite humbling, opinion! I've been told recently that its much more fun to jump on the trampoline with heavy people like me, that my earrings are "very cool and look like little light bulbs," and that when I read aloud my collarbone moves up and down (in an apparently inexcusably wierd way!) Ethan told me that his Bad Indian Fortress (until it became the Good Indian Fortress) was where the indians who were "mean and creechy" lived. From my understanding, "creechy" is fits somewhere between "creepy" and "creature."
Time for supper now...adios!
The poor kid must be desperate if he thinks its fun to build sandcastles with me. I didn't even sit down in the sand, for heaven's sake...or take off my shoes. Actually, it would have felt good to sink my toes into some of that perfect dirt. As it was, I just mentally planned a creekside picnic (in swim suits) when I'll be happy to dive in and get in the dirt for a change. Yes, somebody please hold me accountable to this!
The other reason I don't see why Ethan can tolerate me as a playmate is that my architechtural and strategic capabilities are sorely lacking. My castles are partially cylindrical blobs with something akin to roads leading out of them...no fortifications, really...and random seedlings *ahem*, trees up at high points. But, can you believe it? He wants to copy my ideas! Its a good thing the poor little fella spends more time with Connor than with me. In the end we had a bunch of mysterious sandy mounds with little or no comprehensive order or use...a passing woodsman might have viewed them with the same puzzlement and awe inspired by Stonehenge (if they had been a bit bigger, that is.) Hey, maybe that's the explaination for Stonehenge after all...providing,
a) that giants did exist
and
b) that giants had the same sort of family life
maybe a sister giant went out in the woods with her little brother giant and they made sandcastles...and then the sandcastles petrified, the creek dried up (and the trees got cut down), and wa-la! Stonehenge! Yes, I'm sure that's how it happened.
Spending quality time with Ethan is something I don't do very much, and want to do more...even if its hard sometimes to pull myself out of my own little (quite little) world. There are definitely some rich rewards. I think one of my favorite things about spending time with kids in general is hearing the hilarious things they have to say- and their honest, sometimes quite humbling, opinion! I've been told recently that its much more fun to jump on the trampoline with heavy people like me, that my earrings are "very cool and look like little light bulbs," and that when I read aloud my collarbone moves up and down (in an apparently inexcusably wierd way!) Ethan told me that his Bad Indian Fortress (until it became the Good Indian Fortress) was where the indians who were "mean and creechy" lived. From my understanding, "creechy" is fits somewhere between "creepy" and "creature."
Time for supper now...adios!
Friday, April 13, 2007
This Moment
Thank You, God
For bringing me to this day
And blessing me with this moment.
I don't know if my subconscious picked these words up somewhere or if God just gave them to me one day...but they just draw the thankfulness out of my heart to God. He's been faithful to lead me all my days, and today He is faithful once more. It's raining and I'm getting to blog after a day of housework and English assignments (My last ones, by the way...I'm very proud of that and at the same time kinda sad...I've enjoyed Mrs. Burklin's teaching so much and I'm so thankful for her selfless labor in teaching us...but its exciting to think of what's ahead.) Relient K is on in the other room...I can here my siblings yakking about something. Time to go and dig up some supper and go to Lauren and Gracie's waltzing\cha cha performance. Just today we decided to go, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them. Waltzing is really amazing when you find out what goes into it! I always just thought it was moving around on the floor! Now I have a very deep respect for it. Well...someday maybe I'll try, when performance isn't required :) Blessings to all.
For bringing me to this day
And blessing me with this moment.
I don't know if my subconscious picked these words up somewhere or if God just gave them to me one day...but they just draw the thankfulness out of my heart to God. He's been faithful to lead me all my days, and today He is faithful once more. It's raining and I'm getting to blog after a day of housework and English assignments (My last ones, by the way...I'm very proud of that and at the same time kinda sad...I've enjoyed Mrs. Burklin's teaching so much and I'm so thankful for her selfless labor in teaching us...but its exciting to think of what's ahead.) Relient K is on in the other room...I can here my siblings yakking about something. Time to go and dig up some supper and go to Lauren and Gracie's waltzing\cha cha performance. Just today we decided to go, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them. Waltzing is really amazing when you find out what goes into it! I always just thought it was moving around on the floor! Now I have a very deep respect for it. Well...someday maybe I'll try, when performance isn't required :) Blessings to all.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Re-enchantment
What do I have to be happy about?
What do I have to be happy about? I have to admit that I'm guilty of asking that question. My world seems to come to an end at least once a week. April streams in green sunlight all around me, and life's horizons are bursting with the same bloom and blessing every time I turn around- how dare I say such an ungrateful thing! How in tarnation do I get so depressed? How can I wake up in the morning to shower, dress, breakfast, and then be sunk in the unexplainable dread of another day, and the longing to go back to bed? I'm not even sleep deprived, and there isn't even a specific activity in the day I dread. After talking with Deb the other day (who most certainly has more reason that I to crawl back to bed!) I kind of got a clue.
She told me how she once compiled a bunch of verses on joy and pondered them. Its such a good idea, and we're going to try to do it together. The clue I got about my "depressedness" though, is that I'm not rejoicing in God my Savior, trusting Him with whatever comes, and resting in the love He shows me. Instead of choosing joy, I choose misery; judging and feeling judged.
At the Mother\Daughter conference we went to recently, Christianna Reed Moss talked about disappointments and how they make us grow old. So many times, my family has jokingly refered to me as an "old lady"... not that I took offense, it was true! In what I tenderly refer to as the "vest-wearing stage" of my life (don't ask) I was an introverted, critical, scared little old lady whose sole interests were crocheting and babying her beloved pet cat, Emily. And reading fantasy stories. (Nothing against fantasy, there- I just mean that it pretty much consumed my life!) I'm not sure what I was like outside- on the inside I was afraid of growing up, afraid to try anything new, and so, so afraid of disappointment. Somehow I'd decided that growing up was going to turn me into an evil teenager, or perhaps what my subconscious dreaded far more- a bored, disenchanted adult. Somewhere along the way, I had come to the conclusion that grownups have to go through all sorts of horrible inevitable things like work, divorce, seeing loved ones die, etc. Although my family hadn't really been through anything tragic, it seemed that adults in general were a suffering lot, and worst of all, could never predict when catastrophe might fall on them, or do anything to prevent it. And it also seemed like they were never particularly interested in the world I found so fascinating and was loath to leave- one of silvery fantasy stories, of miraculous litters of silky kittens, of shining, almost unearthly beautiful new leaves that came out every spring. I was afraid of losing that and becoming bored with life, and so I tried to retreat into Neverland. I can even remember kneeling by my bed, weeping, distraught with God that I was already about to be in sixth grade! What I didn't realize, in all my retreating and rejecting the new opportunities in my life, was that I was shunning life and the people around me and becoming the narrow, disappointed person I so dreaded. In fear over losing my childhood, I was becoming an old woman...old of soul!
So when Christianna began to talk about this, something deep within me was stirred. By the grace of God alone, through the avenue of my parents intervention, my heart changed and began opening up to new things, places, and people. I had become a Christian at age six, but you could say that my testimony throughout my teen years has been one of becoming "re-enchanted" with my Savior. Christianna spoke about how we can give up our disappointments with God, people, and life, and He makes things new. Suddenly it dawned on me that life is not so limited as I thought. Life is more than what is right in front of my face. Just because I've seen one thing doesn't mean I've seen it all! God is so much bigger than that! God was saying to me, quietly, where that clinging bit of old self could hear, "The old can grow young, in Me." Yes! The old can grow young! "He satisfies your youth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle..." (Ps. 103) The sun rises every morning...new. The leaves come out every Spring...new. His mercies are new every morning...NEW! Disappointment is not the end...He can always surprise us! When Christ Jesus was buried in the tomb, the disciples, everyone, was disappointed, heartbroken. All their hopes were crushed. But He did stay down, did He? There He was, that morning on the shore of Tiberias, saying "Come and have breakfast." And He's been saying that to me.
So why was I unhappy? Why was I wondering What to be happy about? Because I'd forgotten, plain and simple. Today I read Romans 5:2 "We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." That's what we have to be happy about. Every single morning! Hope, and sunrises. The constant knowledge that He can surprise us at any moment with glory. For us who are bought with the price of His blood, and have been captivated by glimpses of His love, we will be surprised one day when He comes for us, dresses us in white, and calls us by a new, sweet name. And we'll be with Him forever...a neverending childhood of wonder with the one who conceived every wonderful thing ever created or thought of. Jesus, I love You! Never let me forget!
What do I have to be happy about? I have to admit that I'm guilty of asking that question. My world seems to come to an end at least once a week. April streams in green sunlight all around me, and life's horizons are bursting with the same bloom and blessing every time I turn around- how dare I say such an ungrateful thing! How in tarnation do I get so depressed? How can I wake up in the morning to shower, dress, breakfast, and then be sunk in the unexplainable dread of another day, and the longing to go back to bed? I'm not even sleep deprived, and there isn't even a specific activity in the day I dread. After talking with Deb the other day (who most certainly has more reason that I to crawl back to bed!) I kind of got a clue.
She told me how she once compiled a bunch of verses on joy and pondered them. Its such a good idea, and we're going to try to do it together. The clue I got about my "depressedness" though, is that I'm not rejoicing in God my Savior, trusting Him with whatever comes, and resting in the love He shows me. Instead of choosing joy, I choose misery; judging and feeling judged.
At the Mother\Daughter conference we went to recently, Christianna Reed Moss talked about disappointments and how they make us grow old. So many times, my family has jokingly refered to me as an "old lady"... not that I took offense, it was true! In what I tenderly refer to as the "vest-wearing stage" of my life (don't ask) I was an introverted, critical, scared little old lady whose sole interests were crocheting and babying her beloved pet cat, Emily. And reading fantasy stories. (Nothing against fantasy, there- I just mean that it pretty much consumed my life!) I'm not sure what I was like outside- on the inside I was afraid of growing up, afraid to try anything new, and so, so afraid of disappointment. Somehow I'd decided that growing up was going to turn me into an evil teenager, or perhaps what my subconscious dreaded far more- a bored, disenchanted adult. Somewhere along the way, I had come to the conclusion that grownups have to go through all sorts of horrible inevitable things like work, divorce, seeing loved ones die, etc. Although my family hadn't really been through anything tragic, it seemed that adults in general were a suffering lot, and worst of all, could never predict when catastrophe might fall on them, or do anything to prevent it. And it also seemed like they were never particularly interested in the world I found so fascinating and was loath to leave- one of silvery fantasy stories, of miraculous litters of silky kittens, of shining, almost unearthly beautiful new leaves that came out every spring. I was afraid of losing that and becoming bored with life, and so I tried to retreat into Neverland. I can even remember kneeling by my bed, weeping, distraught with God that I was already about to be in sixth grade! What I didn't realize, in all my retreating and rejecting the new opportunities in my life, was that I was shunning life and the people around me and becoming the narrow, disappointed person I so dreaded. In fear over losing my childhood, I was becoming an old woman...old of soul!
So when Christianna began to talk about this, something deep within me was stirred. By the grace of God alone, through the avenue of my parents intervention, my heart changed and began opening up to new things, places, and people. I had become a Christian at age six, but you could say that my testimony throughout my teen years has been one of becoming "re-enchanted" with my Savior. Christianna spoke about how we can give up our disappointments with God, people, and life, and He makes things new. Suddenly it dawned on me that life is not so limited as I thought. Life is more than what is right in front of my face. Just because I've seen one thing doesn't mean I've seen it all! God is so much bigger than that! God was saying to me, quietly, where that clinging bit of old self could hear, "The old can grow young, in Me." Yes! The old can grow young! "He satisfies your youth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle..." (Ps. 103) The sun rises every morning...new. The leaves come out every Spring...new. His mercies are new every morning...NEW! Disappointment is not the end...He can always surprise us! When Christ Jesus was buried in the tomb, the disciples, everyone, was disappointed, heartbroken. All their hopes were crushed. But He did stay down, did He? There He was, that morning on the shore of Tiberias, saying "Come and have breakfast." And He's been saying that to me.
So why was I unhappy? Why was I wondering What to be happy about? Because I'd forgotten, plain and simple. Today I read Romans 5:2 "We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." That's what we have to be happy about. Every single morning! Hope, and sunrises. The constant knowledge that He can surprise us at any moment with glory. For us who are bought with the price of His blood, and have been captivated by glimpses of His love, we will be surprised one day when He comes for us, dresses us in white, and calls us by a new, sweet name. And we'll be with Him forever...a neverending childhood of wonder with the one who conceived every wonderful thing ever created or thought of. Jesus, I love You! Never let me forget!
Friday, April 6, 2007
That Country Shall Be My Home...
"I have but one passion - it is He, it is He alone. The world is the field and the field is the world; and henceforth that country shall be my home where I can be most used in winning souls for Christ." - Count Zinzindorf
That's my quote for the day...about all I can eek out the time to post right now. I stole it from the Crowe's website http://www.liftupyoureyes.org/ . Whichever country. Honestly, I'm a bit weak on the passion part, but it's growing. Its faith, not feelings :) Oh, and please don't ask who Count Zinzindorf is...but he does have a cool name!
That's my quote for the day...about all I can eek out the time to post right now. I stole it from the Crowe's website http://www.liftupyoureyes.org/ . Whichever country. Honestly, I'm a bit weak on the passion part, but it's growing. Its faith, not feelings :) Oh, and please don't ask who Count Zinzindorf is...but he does have a cool name!
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