Attempts at a Stiff Upper Lip Fail, to My Unforseen Relief

It's a cloudy cold day...the sky is the color of very old mashed potatoes, but the trees make up for the dullness with glowing leaves. The water is off and the electricity has been on and off because guys are working on the house. I don't know what they're doing exactly, but I think it has something to do with getting gas on...a very good thing! It's been a little chilly the past few days. Not unbearable, just chilly.

This is going to be a very long post, just so you know...

Yesterday I finally broke down and cried at the ladies' Bible study. I kept trying to hold it back but it just wouldn't, and I'm very glad. Life is just too much for me. I didn't realize it, but I was trying to keep a "stiff upper lip" and keep the struggle to myself because I didn't want to bother anyone else, make a scene, or interrupt a prayer meeting...I figured that I always have a problem of some kind, and since my tendency is to want to rely on other people to fix my loneliness or insecurity, I needed to just take it to God instead. But, as I found out yesterday, sometimes God's way of touching us is through other people.

I confessed yesterday that I even though I know and often tell myself that Jesus is sufficient to meet my needs, lately He doesn't seem to be there when I need Him most.

When I'm enjoying life, it's easy to say that He is able to fill the empty hole where my family and friends were before, that He can be my warmth, security, and leadership, that He can supply the sense of safety and schedule that has been ripped out of my life, that He can fill the voids where familiarity has disappeared. But when I'm sick or hurting or down, I need Him to be more than those thoughts. A lot more.

My neck and jaw have been hurting from all the stress, and I've literally grown weary of holding my head up. Every time I stand in faith and say that He is enough for me and I trust Him, I feel like I'm thrusting a heavy sword against an unseen foe, and with every thrust I grow wearier, not just spiritually and emotionally, but physically, too. I find myself saying, "If I could just have one hour completely at rest..." No neck pain, no confusion, no anxiety to fight off...

I told the ladies some of these things. It was the "foreign ladies'" Bible study, so they all knew what I was going through, more or less. I hadn't thought of it as culture shock, but they pointed out that I was still adjusting to being here. Duh.

I guess I thought things should just keep getting better and better and I should be "over it" by now. Haha. I'm learning differently. I have seen progress in the last few months. I'm not painfully shy of the folks at church any more, and I feel a lot more comfortable with them. I'm closer to the Crowes. I know a few more Russian words and I'm not afraid that something will jump out and get me when I'm walking down the road (always a nice feeling.) But that doesn't mean no more culture shock.

Adjusting to living in a foreign country is so much more complicated and huge than I would have dreamed. I have a growing respect for people who go for long term and stick it out. I mean, I have it easy. I don't have to build a house, go through stacks of documents, do the grocery shopping...I don't even have to speak the language that much if I don't want to (but I do want to). Ukraine may be very different, but it is still Western in a lot of ways. I can still eat a lot of the foods I would at home and wear the same clothes (no burkas) We have electricity and hot water and internet (most of the time). I keep thinking, so what's my problem?

My problem is that by outward appearances, it doesn't look that hard to live here, but there are subtle differences that have creeped and creeped in on my until I'm like the frog in the pot...not in culture shock, but in culture boil, you might say...just when I think I'm adjusting quite nicely, some new trauma crops up.

Annaliese, who was at the Bible study, said she had read a statistic that said that the level of stress a person experiences when they move to a foreign country is greater than that of someone losing a spouse or finding out they have cancer. That's really hard for me to believe...my reaction was, "But that's a matter of grief! It almost seems dishonoring to compare those thing. I'm not grieving. I like being here!" I don't know. It just made me realize that maybe I'm going through more than I thought I was. Maybe I can stop telling myself to suck it up and quit being a wimp :)

Priscilla shared that it's ok if I feel depressed. Not that I should wallow in it, but that God lets us go through storms and it's not always going to feel good. We just have to keep clinging to Him. She said, "Just enjoy it."

I've heard her say this on different occasions about unpleasant tasks or circumstances..."Just learn to enjoy it." At first I was really taken aback by that. It doesn't immediately make sense, but the idea fascinated me. Enjoy something you are naturally inclined to hate? Is that possible? But it dawned on me that, if I'm understanding what she meant correctly, it goes right along with what James said in chapter one of his book..."Consider it pure joy, my brethen, when you suffer various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance..." It's weird, but I'm starting to actually see joy as a possibility in the things I don't like. And it's really freeing.

It reminds me of Much Afraid in Hannah Hurnard's book, Hind's Feet on High Places. The Good Shepherd gave her Sorrow and Suffering as her companions, and at first she loathed them and shrank back from them. But after a time, she grew to love them as they helped and led her, and in the end their veils were cast of and they were revealed as Grace and Glory. Yes!

Even as I write this, tears are springing to my eyes, because that's what God does with His beloved saints. Sometimes it's easy to look down on the ones who are suffering or just can't seem to pick themselves up off the floor (I'm sorry that I have done it), when actually they are the ones who are honored, because God has given them these disguised companions out of His love and purpose for them.

Each woman had something to say that was really encouraging, and I just sat there, soaking it in...soaking kleenexes... They were very merciful and compassionate. I'm glad Deb and I both got to be there and hear those things, because since we're both new here and going through the same chaos, I guess we both feel helpless together at times.

It was hard to let myself cry. It felt complicated just breathing. I desperately needed to let it out, but at first it's not easy to be that vulnerable with a group of people you don't know that well. But as they talked to me and prayed, I felt like they were lifting me out of a pit I had been sinking into. They were taking up my sword and fighting off those invisible enemies that have worn me out. It was such a relief to have someone fighting for me, almost literally lifting a burden off my shoulders.

Jesus did not fail me. He was right there. He wasn't there in physical form to be seen and felt, but He touched me through His hands and feet, the church. She's beautiful! Not perfect, but beautiful still. Like one of the ladies said, our longings for fulfillment can't quite be met here on earth because this is not our home. We look forward to knowing Jesus fully in heaven.

So I'm still fighting the battle, but I no longer feel like I'm alone and sinking. This morning wasn't easy, but I'm so relieved to know that it's ok if I feel disoriented and confused. A big part of the stress comes from the thoughts like, "I'm always going to be like this. If I haven't changed by now, I'm not going to. Am I ever going to have more than half my brain capacity again? Will I ever wake up in the morning feeling rested? Will I ever...?" But recognizing that this is a season in my life and that I don't have to "get over it" helps so much. God isn't standing there, aloof, waiting for me to get my act together. He's so merciful, and He still has plans and purposes for me that He will accomplish, no matter what I feel like.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, for once he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12