The Re-enchantment

What do I have to be happy about?

What do I have to be happy about? I have to admit that I'm guilty of asking that question. My world seems to come to an end at least once a week. April streams in green sunlight all around me, and life's horizons are bursting with the same bloom and blessing every time I turn around- how dare I say such an ungrateful thing! How in tarnation do I get so depressed? How can I wake up in the morning to shower, dress, breakfast, and then be sunk in the unexplainable dread of another day, and the longing to go back to bed? I'm not even sleep deprived, and there isn't even a specific activity in the day I dread. After talking with Deb the other day (who most certainly has more reason that I to crawl back to bed!) I kind of got a clue.

She told me how she once compiled a bunch of verses on joy and pondered them. Its such a good idea, and we're going to try to do it together. The clue I got about my "depressedness" though, is that I'm not rejoicing in God my Savior, trusting Him with whatever comes, and resting in the love He shows me. Instead of choosing joy, I choose misery; judging and feeling judged.

At the Mother\Daughter conference we went to recently, Christianna Reed Moss talked about disappointments and how they make us grow old. So many times, my family has jokingly refered to me as an "old lady"... not that I took offense, it was true! In what I tenderly refer to as the "vest-wearing stage" of my life (don't ask) I was an introverted, critical, scared little old lady whose sole interests were crocheting and babying her beloved pet cat, Emily. And reading fantasy stories. (Nothing against fantasy, there- I just mean that it pretty much consumed my life!) I'm not sure what I was like outside- on the inside I was afraid of growing up, afraid to try anything new, and so, so afraid of disappointment. Somehow I'd decided that growing up was going to turn me into an evil teenager, or perhaps what my subconscious dreaded far more- a bored, disenchanted adult. Somewhere along the way, I had come to the conclusion that grownups have to go through all sorts of horrible inevitable things like work, divorce, seeing loved ones die, etc. Although my family hadn't really been through anything tragic, it seemed that adults in general were a suffering lot, and worst of all, could never predict when catastrophe might fall on them, or do anything to prevent it. And it also seemed like they were never particularly interested in the world I found so fascinating and was loath to leave- one of silvery fantasy stories, of miraculous litters of silky kittens, of shining, almost unearthly beautiful new leaves that came out every spring. I was afraid of losing that and becoming bored with life, and so I tried to retreat into Neverland. I can even remember kneeling by my bed, weeping, distraught with God that I was already about to be in sixth grade! What I didn't realize, in all my retreating and rejecting the new opportunities in my life, was that I was shunning life and the people around me and becoming the narrow, disappointed person I so dreaded. In fear over losing my childhood, I was becoming an old woman...old of soul!

So when Christianna began to talk about this, something deep within me was stirred. By the grace of God alone, through the avenue of my parents intervention, my heart changed and began opening up to new things, places, and people. I had become a Christian at age six, but you could say that my testimony throughout my teen years has been one of becoming "re-enchanted" with my Savior. Christianna spoke about how we can give up our disappointments with God, people, and life, and He makes things new. Suddenly it dawned on me that life is not so limited as I thought. Life is more than what is right in front of my face. Just because I've seen one thing doesn't mean I've seen it all! God is so much bigger than that! God was saying to me, quietly, where that clinging bit of old self could hear, "The old can grow young, in Me." Yes! The old can grow young! "He satisfies your youth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle..." (Ps. 103) The sun rises every morning...new. The leaves come out every Spring...new. His mercies are new every morning...NEW! Disappointment is not the end...He can always surprise us! When Christ Jesus was buried in the tomb, the disciples, everyone, was disappointed, heartbroken. All their hopes were crushed. But He did stay down, did He? There He was, that morning on the shore of Tiberias, saying "Come and have breakfast." And He's been saying that to me.

So why was I unhappy? Why was I wondering What to be happy about? Because I'd forgotten, plain and simple. Today I read Romans 5:2 "We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." That's what we have to be happy about. Every single morning! Hope, and sunrises. The constant knowledge that He can surprise us at any moment with glory. For us who are bought with the price of His blood, and have been captivated by glimpses of His love, we will be surprised one day when He comes for us, dresses us in white, and calls us by a new, sweet name. And we'll be with Him forever...a neverending childhood of wonder with the one who conceived every wonderful thing ever created or thought of. Jesus, I love You! Never let me forget!