Today was a very special Valentine's Day. It turned out differently than I would have thought a week ago, when I was listening to dj's on the radio mention Valentine's every time they were on and was starting to get that sinking feeling...
I've always been a little fascinated with Valentines Day, even though I didn't have much reason to. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've had Valentine's decorations at every birthday party I've ever had, and my first stuffed animal was a cute little white teddy bear with hearts on its paws from my Dad.
But I'm not going to lie...I'm a hopeless romantic at heart (albeit quietly) and that's part of the fascination. I never went for the cute little kiddie valentines and chocolate from my grandmother...well, I ate it, but it didn't MEAN much. I was waiting for the real deal.
So last week I started feeling a little grumpy about it. A little jealousy crept in...not that many other people I know are really having a terribly romantic Valentine's Day either, but you know how envy works.
But all that is changed now. I don't need to miss out on Valentine's after all. What have I been thinking? Jesus has satisfied every desire and need I have, and just because I can't see Him now doesn't mean He's not my sweetheart. I'm not going to be left out of the fun. So this afternoon, I went to Walmart and bought Him a Valentine's card.
You should have seen me, turning all red there in front of the card rack. I poked through the cards that looked like they'd be appropriate until I foudn one I liked. It felt awkward at first, but then I started getting excited when I thought of the things I'd write to Him (that He already knows).
It's crazy how I always thought the longing in my heart needed a person to satisfy it, but truly, when I'm with Him, He's everything. I can be giddy and silly for Him and it makes Him happy. This year has been one of becoming very weak and discovering his amazing, loving strength.
This is what He's like...
"You are the most excellent of men
and your lips have been anointed with grace,
since God has blessed you forever.
Gird Your sword apon your side, oh mighty one,
clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.
In your majesty ride forth victoriously
In behalf of truth, humility, and righteousness;
let your right hand display awesome deeds.
Let your arrows pierce the hearts of the king's enemies;
Let the nations fall beneath your feet...
You love righteousness and hate wickedness
therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions,
by anointing you with the oil of joy.
All your robes are fragrant with myrrh and aloes and cassia;
from palaces adorned with ivory
the music of strings makes you glad..."
Psalm 45
"This is my lover, this is my friend;
oh daughters of Jerusalem." Song of Solomon 5:16
I didn't write this to be sappy, and I'm not writing it to convince myself I'm happy that I'm at home with my two brothers on Valentine's day. I wrote it because Jesus has truly captured my heart, and I want you to know how very impressive He is. If anyone has been tender, it's Him. If anyone has been patient, it's Him. If anyone has ever been faithful to come through for me, yep, it's Him. I am part of His bride, His church, and so are you! If I thought I was jealous...well he's jealous! He's waiting for her with a passion He can hardly contain.
"Because Your love is better than life, my lips will praise You." Ps. 63:3
Happy Valentine's Day!
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Birthday
Yesterday was my birthday, and I started it out with a bang. We were up peeling potatoes for Mom at dawn (not a usual occurance...it was an unusual day all the way around). I got vicious with the potato peeler and almost ripped of my fingernail. Ok, so I didn't rip it off. I cut it very deeply so that it was bleeding out the middle. In all my (now nineteen) years, I've never broken a bone or had a surgery (well, since I was born), so the sight of my own blood kind freaks me out. I got it all bandaged up though. Dad was comforting me with thoughts of what would happen if I got it hung on something. *Shudders* As you can imagine, hair twisting has been sorely impeded.
But on to better things...it really was a very good birthday. I worked, but then got to go to Mrs. Burklin's for our usual second Monday teatime, with a birthdayish twist. And since Mom was very busy, Mattie saved the day and made a nice spaghetti-bread-and-olive oil meal and a super delicious birthday cake. With GREEN filling! I was too impressed. I ate so much I felt sick. But it was scrumptious.
To top it off, there was a beautiful crescent moon last night, which seemed to be a particular birthday gift from God, since He knows I like them so much and I can't recall telling anyone else :)
I don't have time for any profound thoughts...some other time...
But on to better things...it really was a very good birthday. I worked, but then got to go to Mrs. Burklin's for our usual second Monday teatime, with a birthdayish twist. And since Mom was very busy, Mattie saved the day and made a nice spaghetti-bread-and-olive oil meal and a super delicious birthday cake. With GREEN filling! I was too impressed. I ate so much I felt sick. But it was scrumptious.
To top it off, there was a beautiful crescent moon last night, which seemed to be a particular birthday gift from God, since He knows I like them so much and I can't recall telling anyone else :)
I don't have time for any profound thoughts...some other time...
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Extreme Room Makeover and a Picnic
My room is going orange. At least, the one sheet rock wall is being painted orange, and I think that pretty much takes care of the rest of the room! Thanks to Mattie, Dad, and Mom, our room is getting a makeover. An extreme makeover.
I don't really know what started it-- the psychedelic new bedspread Mattie Kate got for Christmas, or the new rug someone gave us for Connor's room, which also produced a string of renovations. Having a house painter for a dad helped. Even though he painted the wall purple just last spring, he dove in cheerfully and did it over in orange to match the bedspread. And of course the curtains no longer match, so Mom and Mattie have spent the day making new ones out of a bedsheet purchased for the purpose. Mattie seems to be financing the operation. I haven't had anything to do with it, besides dazedly granting permission for my nook to be blitzed. The changes are quite drastic, and I can't say I would have chosen those exact colors myself, but I have to admit, it's...well...stunning. Blinding, in fact.
I figure that, by lamplight (when I spend most of my awake-time in my room) the orange should be muted to a warm, tranquil glow, and by letting Mattie have her way for a change I can sooth an achy conscience for all the miserly space-hogging I've done since she came to share the room with me! Oh, and the very best part is the floor-- imitation wood laminate to replace the depressing carpet. Dad bartered for it. It's smooth and cool, and mercifully un-hunter green :) Wow, thinking about all this makes me really thankful! And Dad is so sweet to redo the room for his girls.
Ethan and I had a picnic earlier by the creek. It was a perfect day, and I was off of work earlier than I expected. He went dressed to the hilt in his jeans, cowboy hat, checkered flannel shirt, and pretend pistols (in holsters). He sat on the stream bank, placidly chewing his peanut butter and banana sandwich. He really is such a contemplative little personage. He chewed and thought, and asked odd questions, and chewed and thought again. Consequently, I could've built a second Taj Mahal before he finished eating. So I sat sunning myself like a turtle, pondering the chocolate residing beneath my right thumbnail and wishing I'd remembered the napkins.
By the way, the world is a very geometric place. Extremely geometric. It took making mosaics for a couple of weeks for me to figure that out. Take corn chips for example. Edible geometry. All shapes and sizes. Then, try laying under a tree in February, before the leaves are out. Not only is the trunk more or less a cylinder, but the branches splay out in all directions, fracturing the sky into a big, frenzied mosaic. Mosaics haunt me now...shadows on the wall, bits of cookie, peoples' teeth...
I'm going to quit now and either study math or sew. It may be an awfully inconvenient time for it to happen, but I think another mad little sewing frenzy is developing. We shall see.
I don't really know what started it-- the psychedelic new bedspread Mattie Kate got for Christmas, or the new rug someone gave us for Connor's room, which also produced a string of renovations. Having a house painter for a dad helped. Even though he painted the wall purple just last spring, he dove in cheerfully and did it over in orange to match the bedspread. And of course the curtains no longer match, so Mom and Mattie have spent the day making new ones out of a bedsheet purchased for the purpose. Mattie seems to be financing the operation. I haven't had anything to do with it, besides dazedly granting permission for my nook to be blitzed. The changes are quite drastic, and I can't say I would have chosen those exact colors myself, but I have to admit, it's...well...stunning. Blinding, in fact.
I figure that, by lamplight (when I spend most of my awake-time in my room) the orange should be muted to a warm, tranquil glow, and by letting Mattie have her way for a change I can sooth an achy conscience for all the miserly space-hogging I've done since she came to share the room with me! Oh, and the very best part is the floor-- imitation wood laminate to replace the depressing carpet. Dad bartered for it. It's smooth and cool, and mercifully un-hunter green :) Wow, thinking about all this makes me really thankful! And Dad is so sweet to redo the room for his girls.
Ethan and I had a picnic earlier by the creek. It was a perfect day, and I was off of work earlier than I expected. He went dressed to the hilt in his jeans, cowboy hat, checkered flannel shirt, and pretend pistols (in holsters). He sat on the stream bank, placidly chewing his peanut butter and banana sandwich. He really is such a contemplative little personage. He chewed and thought, and asked odd questions, and chewed and thought again. Consequently, I could've built a second Taj Mahal before he finished eating. So I sat sunning myself like a turtle, pondering the chocolate residing beneath my right thumbnail and wishing I'd remembered the napkins.
By the way, the world is a very geometric place. Extremely geometric. It took making mosaics for a couple of weeks for me to figure that out. Take corn chips for example. Edible geometry. All shapes and sizes. Then, try laying under a tree in February, before the leaves are out. Not only is the trunk more or less a cylinder, but the branches splay out in all directions, fracturing the sky into a big, frenzied mosaic. Mosaics haunt me now...shadows on the wall, bits of cookie, peoples' teeth...
I'm going to quit now and either study math or sew. It may be an awfully inconvenient time for it to happen, but I think another mad little sewing frenzy is developing. We shall see.
Friday, February 8, 2008
The Annie Moses Concert
Last night I was spontaneously whisked away for an evening of delight by my good friend Gracie and her Mom. It was just before supper when Gracie called and said, "I know this is short notice, but..." and within half an hour we were on our way to the Belcher center for the Annie Moses concert. It's so pleasant to have a friend who sounds giddy over being with you. It's a complete miracle.
Wow. I guess it was a night of miracles, because that concert was amazing! I was a little apprehensive when we walked in and the only people in the auditorium were elderly couples clustered here and there. And when the band began playing sort of gospelish style hymns and singing "weirdly." But I just wasn't used to it yet.
Soon the auditorium filled up (with an audience of varied ages), and the band started playing. They are definitely a curiosity. The band is comprised of a family (six kids and both parents) and two other guys. They play a variety of instruments VERY WELL, including (but probably not limited to) violin, mandolin, harp, cello, keyboard, piano, drums, base guitar, and electric guitar. And the oldest daughter, Annie, sings. Like Bernadette Peters. It's crazy. It's like a mini orchestra gone crazy. And they were all in red and black. The curtains (those gorgeous curtains!) were red and black too. Even the drums were red with silver. After a while I just wanted to close my eyes and drift away on the sheer beauty of that dancing violin and moaning cello...everything combined into one glorious chorus. I always forget how beautiful music really is until I hear it in a performance like that. And then I end up wishing I could sit at a symphony every night for the rest of my life. (Or something.)
Just like when I went to the art museum, I found myself walking away saying, "God, please, please let me bring beauty into the world somehow." We humans just can't quit craving it.
Some of the songs were about heaven, and what it's going to be like. At first, I almost thought them cheesy (just because I'm not used to that style of music) but then, as I sat there, my heart was tugged. Heaven isn't just a fluffy, clouds-and-harps place to me any more. It's more like a Person, a Reunion, a stained-glass cathedral being prepared for a wedding. Hearing that beauty is just pressing my ear up to the door.
Wow. I guess it was a night of miracles, because that concert was amazing! I was a little apprehensive when we walked in and the only people in the auditorium were elderly couples clustered here and there. And when the band began playing sort of gospelish style hymns and singing "weirdly." But I just wasn't used to it yet.
Soon the auditorium filled up (with an audience of varied ages), and the band started playing. They are definitely a curiosity. The band is comprised of a family (six kids and both parents) and two other guys. They play a variety of instruments VERY WELL, including (but probably not limited to) violin, mandolin, harp, cello, keyboard, piano, drums, base guitar, and electric guitar. And the oldest daughter, Annie, sings. Like Bernadette Peters. It's crazy. It's like a mini orchestra gone crazy. And they were all in red and black. The curtains (those gorgeous curtains!) were red and black too. Even the drums were red with silver. After a while I just wanted to close my eyes and drift away on the sheer beauty of that dancing violin and moaning cello...everything combined into one glorious chorus. I always forget how beautiful music really is until I hear it in a performance like that. And then I end up wishing I could sit at a symphony every night for the rest of my life. (Or something.)
Just like when I went to the art museum, I found myself walking away saying, "God, please, please let me bring beauty into the world somehow." We humans just can't quit craving it.
Some of the songs were about heaven, and what it's going to be like. At first, I almost thought them cheesy (just because I'm not used to that style of music) but then, as I sat there, my heart was tugged. Heaven isn't just a fluffy, clouds-and-harps place to me any more. It's more like a Person, a Reunion, a stained-glass cathedral being prepared for a wedding. Hearing that beauty is just pressing my ear up to the door.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
My Brother, the Thug
Here's a peek into my life, fresh off the reel of, um, life...
Mom and "us kids" are at church doing the cleaning job there (Mom and Mattie usually do it, but today Connor and I are helping/getting other things done. So I walked into the coffee room to find Connor moving chairs for Mom. He looked up at me and said, "I look like I'm about to go rob a convenient store." Huh. Funny, he did kind of have a thuggish look about him! He was wearing his usual slightly rugged jeans and what I mentally refer to as his Jason Bourne sweater (it's a black pullover sweater thing with a zipper at the neck and a turned-up collar). To top it all of, he was wearing a grey and black toboggan. So he did look a little menacing. I told him he'd better lose the toboggan next time. At least there was no bling.
My hands are cold. They're always cold. I was just noticing it more than usual because my left hand was resting in the stream of the warm damp breath of my laptop. If the laptop wasn't so hard and square, it might actually be cozy. It's so warm. Well, the epitome of cozy is the furry blanket Grammie gave me for Christmas. Sleeping with it is like curling up with a cat. It even smells like a cat...which may not be a good thing at all!
Mom and "us kids" are at church doing the cleaning job there (Mom and Mattie usually do it, but today Connor and I are helping/getting other things done. So I walked into the coffee room to find Connor moving chairs for Mom. He looked up at me and said, "I look like I'm about to go rob a convenient store." Huh. Funny, he did kind of have a thuggish look about him! He was wearing his usual slightly rugged jeans and what I mentally refer to as his Jason Bourne sweater (it's a black pullover sweater thing with a zipper at the neck and a turned-up collar). To top it all of, he was wearing a grey and black toboggan. So he did look a little menacing. I told him he'd better lose the toboggan next time. At least there was no bling.
My hands are cold. They're always cold. I was just noticing it more than usual because my left hand was resting in the stream of the warm damp breath of my laptop. If the laptop wasn't so hard and square, it might actually be cozy. It's so warm. Well, the epitome of cozy is the furry blanket Grammie gave me for Christmas. Sleeping with it is like curling up with a cat. It even smells like a cat...which may not be a good thing at all!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Contemplating the Gnarled Family Tree
I will get to blog again. Getting used to working more is crazy, and yesterday, when everything suddenly cleared out of my schedule, I just layed on the couch all day with a brutal headache, too limp to read or anything. But, I'm happy to say, it went away, and today I got back to everything just fine.
I just got back from a pleasant little coffee time with my Mom and grandparents (Grammie and Paw Paw live next door, but I wasn't sure I'd ever get to spend time with THEM again either!) I sat and sipped strong coffee from a delicate tea cup while they discussed various ancestors and their eccentric names, colorful history, etc. There was the red-headed French aunt who tried to trip her older sister and sister's bridegroom at their wedding dance, Uncle Menos, who almost got horsewhipped for becoming Methodist in a very stout Catholic family, and then the six sisters on the other side of the family somewhere with names like Mattie Fay, Nelda Kay, Dorothy Lee, and Patsy Nell. Yikes. How can I be so normal when I have such tangled roots? And then, it dawns on me...maybe I'm not very normal at all! But then, none of us actually are.
Connor is standing over me with the cattle prod, goading me on to the next event of the day (youth group), so I guess I should go. And there's the dinner call. That, I can more readily obey :)
I just got back from a pleasant little coffee time with my Mom and grandparents (Grammie and Paw Paw live next door, but I wasn't sure I'd ever get to spend time with THEM again either!) I sat and sipped strong coffee from a delicate tea cup while they discussed various ancestors and their eccentric names, colorful history, etc. There was the red-headed French aunt who tried to trip her older sister and sister's bridegroom at their wedding dance, Uncle Menos, who almost got horsewhipped for becoming Methodist in a very stout Catholic family, and then the six sisters on the other side of the family somewhere with names like Mattie Fay, Nelda Kay, Dorothy Lee, and Patsy Nell. Yikes. How can I be so normal when I have such tangled roots? And then, it dawns on me...maybe I'm not very normal at all! But then, none of us actually are.
Connor is standing over me with the cattle prod, goading me on to the next event of the day (youth group), so I guess I should go. And there's the dinner call. That, I can more readily obey :)
Friday, February 1, 2008
A Memo from the Dungeon
I have a hard time concentrating on writing when I'm listening to music. Argh. I'm typing this on my laptop in Connor's room because he needs someone to keep him company in "the Dungeon." Doing schoolwork. He thrives while listening to music, whereas it cuts my academic productivity by at least 50%, even if I like the music. First we were listening to Desperation Band, and then the newest Caedmon's Call CD, which has ended up driving us both crazy.
"Two weeks, and we all can feel the calling
To make the world a little smaller
So a girl got on a plane..."
All the Caedmon's Call music does, besides distract me, is remind how much I want to go on a missions trip this Spring Break. But I'm thinking it may simply be a selfish seeking for a reason to "escape" normal life and the struggles of pressing into God. It's a little wierd to put it like that, maybe. I have such a desire to go that it's like I need a calling to stay sometimes. It's harder to stay and be the prayer support or the one who "holds down the fort." Last year I stayed home because I felt like the continual short term missions trips were kind of rupturing my life too much. All that picking up and going and making relationships and leaving them again and coming home and adjusting...it kind of hurts. And then my consistency of seeking God is interrupted by the "high" and subsequent low.
And schedule is a question, since I think I have a job now. Mrs. Castleberry said "see you on Monday," so I don't know if that means I'm hired or what. Anyway, I can trust that God sees my heart and my desires. It seems that His clearest, most audible direction to me when I'm asking Him about missions trips is when He says no. It's like Chris Rice says, "I'd take no for an answer just to know I heard you speak." Just knowing He cares is enough, and He's assured me of that.
I have to ask, though, is it selfish to seek fellowship with other people, sharing a similar heart and purpose? That's probably my honest reason for wanting to go. Huh. I just want to follow God in company. Not alone. So I don't believe the desire is wrong, but the Lord still might have some reasons He wants me to be here. Reasons I readily submit to.
"Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine
To do what You will...
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what you will
I'm ready now..." (Desp. Band)
Yeah. He's so good.
Today I did some unusual things (for me). The first was eating sausage links and old cake for breakfast (ok, that's probably weird for most people).
And then, this afternoon, I played basketball with Mattie and Connor. We needed exercise. It was sort of fun to be a little agressive, since it was just my brother to play against. Waxing a little athletic there, *haha,* even if I dribbled with two hands and was winded in five minutes. Gasp. My heart usually doesn't pound like that except for expressly emotional reasons :)
Then we (Mattie, Ethan, and I) rolled down the big hill. I haven't done that in a long time, and it wasn't as miserable as I anticipated. In fact, it would have been quite a delight if the world hadn't kept spinning for five minutes afterward :) Which also usually only happens for expressly emotional reasons. Blah.
Mattie and I are going to spend the night next door at my grandparents' house tonight. (They're gone and said we could invite someone over and have a slumber party there if we wanted...how sweet). So we asked Bailey and Emma over. It will be fun. Games, giggles, movies, munchies...hopefully a little sleep thrown in there as well. I'm lookign forward to spending a little time with Bailey, since I don't see her that much. Of course, I also don't spend that much time with my own sister...so that will be good to be with her too!
"Two weeks, and we all can feel the calling
To make the world a little smaller
So a girl got on a plane..."
All the Caedmon's Call music does, besides distract me, is remind how much I want to go on a missions trip this Spring Break. But I'm thinking it may simply be a selfish seeking for a reason to "escape" normal life and the struggles of pressing into God. It's a little wierd to put it like that, maybe. I have such a desire to go that it's like I need a calling to stay sometimes. It's harder to stay and be the prayer support or the one who "holds down the fort." Last year I stayed home because I felt like the continual short term missions trips were kind of rupturing my life too much. All that picking up and going and making relationships and leaving them again and coming home and adjusting...it kind of hurts. And then my consistency of seeking God is interrupted by the "high" and subsequent low.
And schedule is a question, since I think I have a job now. Mrs. Castleberry said "see you on Monday," so I don't know if that means I'm hired or what. Anyway, I can trust that God sees my heart and my desires. It seems that His clearest, most audible direction to me when I'm asking Him about missions trips is when He says no. It's like Chris Rice says, "I'd take no for an answer just to know I heard you speak." Just knowing He cares is enough, and He's assured me of that.
I have to ask, though, is it selfish to seek fellowship with other people, sharing a similar heart and purpose? That's probably my honest reason for wanting to go. Huh. I just want to follow God in company. Not alone. So I don't believe the desire is wrong, but the Lord still might have some reasons He wants me to be here. Reasons I readily submit to.
"Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine
To do what You will...
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what you will
I'm ready now..." (Desp. Band)
Yeah. He's so good.
Today I did some unusual things (for me). The first was eating sausage links and old cake for breakfast (ok, that's probably weird for most people).
And then, this afternoon, I played basketball with Mattie and Connor. We needed exercise. It was sort of fun to be a little agressive, since it was just my brother to play against. Waxing a little athletic there, *haha,* even if I dribbled with two hands and was winded in five minutes. Gasp. My heart usually doesn't pound like that except for expressly emotional reasons :)
Then we (Mattie, Ethan, and I) rolled down the big hill. I haven't done that in a long time, and it wasn't as miserable as I anticipated. In fact, it would have been quite a delight if the world hadn't kept spinning for five minutes afterward :) Which also usually only happens for expressly emotional reasons. Blah.
Mattie and I are going to spend the night next door at my grandparents' house tonight. (They're gone and said we could invite someone over and have a slumber party there if we wanted...how sweet). So we asked Bailey and Emma over. It will be fun. Games, giggles, movies, munchies...hopefully a little sleep thrown in there as well. I'm lookign forward to spending a little time with Bailey, since I don't see her that much. Of course, I also don't spend that much time with my own sister...so that will be good to be with her too!
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